I think I win the Thanksgiving 2023 petty vents already

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tea and cheese poster here. I am glad I entertained you all but sorry I inadvertently derailed the thread somewhat.
All I wanted to say that it’s not too much to welcome the guests (even if they are early! Which is, I agree, a major inconvenience, but they are old!) and offer them tea or coffee or whatever. Then it is perfectly fine to retreat!
Offering lunch would be nice, but not expected from a typical “modern woman”.
Did the ILs commit a faux pas? Yes. Did they do it on purpose? I doubt it! They are old and anxious. OP might be there one day as well.

Except that you also wanted to make clear that it wasn’t enough for your brother to welcome you in this way but rather berate your SIL for not being the one to do it.

That’s your interpretation.
My point is that whoever opens the door won’t die of being polite and maybe even - gasp!- offering tea or coffee!

Normal Americans don’t offer tea and coffee to a guest immediately upon their arrival…maybe a glass of water at most. this sounds like a cultural issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tea and cheese poster here. I am glad I entertained you all but sorry I inadvertently derailed the thread somewhat.
All I wanted to say that it’s not too much to welcome the guests (even if they are early! Which is, I agree, a major inconvenience, but they are old!) and offer them tea or coffee or whatever. Then it is perfectly fine to retreat!
Offering lunch would be nice, but not expected from a typical “modern woman”.
Did the ILs commit a faux pas? Yes. Did they do it on purpose? I doubt it! They are old and anxious. OP might be there one day as well.

My parents are in their late 70s and know to call if they are going to change plans. There is no excuse to be rude to your hosts when they are graciously opening their home to you for a visit and are cooking you a holiday meal.

All I am saying is that even though they weren’t perfectly polite and considerate, they do deserve basic politeness.
I don’t think anyone expected OP to do more than the basic greeting ritual?

Well at least one poster expected Op to serve tea and cheese!

[Anonymous]

My MIL would always offer coffee and pastry if you came over. She would make a fresh pot of coffee and always had something like coffeecake or a danish available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL would always offer coffee and pastry if you came over. She would make a fresh pot of coffee and always had something like coffeecake or a danish available.

Probably because she wasn't working full time. Who in the heck keeps coffeecake or danish around these days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tea and cheese poster here. I am glad I entertained you all but sorry I inadvertently derailed the thread somewhat.
All I wanted to say that it’s not too much to welcome the guests (even if they are early! Which is, I agree, a major inconvenience, but they are old!) and offer them tea or coffee or whatever. Then it is perfectly fine to retreat!
Offering lunch would be nice, but not expected from a typical “modern woman”.
Did the ILs commit a faux pas? Yes. Did they do it on purpose? I doubt it! They are old and anxious. OP might be there one day as well.

Except that you also wanted to make clear that it wasn’t enough for your brother to welcome you in this way but rather berate your SIL for not being the one to do it.

That’s your interpretation.
My point is that whoever opens the door won’t die of being polite and maybe even - gasp!- offering tea or coffee!

Except that it apparently HAS to be a woman that opens the door and offers you tea? Your brother must have no arms, poor guy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tea and cheese poster here. I am glad I entertained you all but sorry I inadvertently derailed the thread somewhat.
All I wanted to say that it’s not too much to welcome the guests (even if they are early! Which is, I agree, a major inconvenience, but they are old!) and offer them tea or coffee or whatever. Then it is perfectly fine to retreat!
Offering lunch would be nice, but not expected from a typical “modern woman”.
Did the ILs commit a faux pas? Yes. Did they do it on purpose? I doubt it! They are old and anxious. OP might be there one day as well.

My parents are in their late 70s and know to call if they are going to change plans. There is no excuse to be rude to your hosts when they are graciously opening their home to you for a visit and are cooking you a holiday meal.

All I am saying is that even though they weren’t perfectly polite and considerate, they do deserve basic politeness.
I don’t think anyone expected OP to do more than the basic greeting ritual?

Well at least one poster expected Op to serve tea and cheese!

Don't knock it til you've tried it. May I suggest a Darjeeling with smoked Dutch gouda?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL would always offer coffee and pastry if you came over. She would make a fresh pot of coffee and always had something like coffeecake or a danish available.

That’s lovely, but did she have a full time job and young children like op at that time and did you show up unannounced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL would always offer coffee and pastry if you came over. She would make a fresh pot of coffee and always had something like coffeecake or a danish available.

Probably because she wasn't working full time. Who in the heck keeps coffeecake or danish around these days?

She was actually a full-time educational sales vp but had schedule flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tea and cheese poster here. I am glad I entertained you all but sorry I inadvertently derailed the thread somewhat.
All I wanted to say that it’s not too much to welcome the guests (even if they are early! Which is, I agree, a major inconvenience, but they are old!) and offer them tea or coffee or whatever. Then it is perfectly fine to retreat!
Offering lunch would be nice, but not expected from a typical “modern woman”.
Did the ILs commit a faux pas? Yes. Did they do it on purpose? I doubt it! They are old and anxious. OP might be there one day as well.

You also inferred that it's the womans job to host her ILs, even if she's working. That doesnt make someone a "modern woman" it makes your brother a lazy POS.

+1, I can almost guarantee that tea and cheese’s SIL’s obvious deferral to her husband to offer refreshments is the direct result of a pattern of previous cases where she was forced to shoulder the burden of hosting her in-laws and that she is finally taking a stand.

Interesting, do you think its similar to certain cultures of DILs who feel that because they had to deal with awful MILs that they too can become awful MILs? So she is "fighting back" against her SIL who sets proper boundaries and doesnt deal with her sh!t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL would always offer coffee and pastry if you came over. She would make a fresh pot of coffee and always had something like coffeecake or a danish available.

That’s lovely, but did she have a full time job and young children like op at that time and did you show up unannounced?

Yes to all questions--she was Silent Gen so an older generation of women who were expected to be excellent hostess on top of the rest of her responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

^^Sorry, not young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL would always offer coffee and pastry if you came over. She would make a fresh pot of coffee and always had something like coffeecake or a danish available.

That’s lovely, but did she have a full time job and young children like op at that time and did you show up unannounced?

Yes to all questions--she was Silent Gen so an older generation of women who were expected to be excellent hostess on top of the rest of her responsibilities.

Why did you show up unannounced when visiting her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL would always offer coffee and pastry if you came over. She would make a fresh pot of coffee and always had something like coffeecake or a danish available.

Hopefully she passed on her recipe to the son she raised so he can do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love a petty vent thread!

Me too! But I don't think this is petty. This is a huge imposition and clear failure of communication on the in-laws part. How hard is it to send a text the night before saying "hey we're gonna start driving at 5am and get there earlier than planned".

Frankly, the ILs should figure out how to entertain themselves till their agreed upon arrival time. I've arrived early on a few occasions as I got a jump on travel due to traffic concerns, but it's on me to take care of myself when I do that.

[Anonymous]

This tea and cheese indeed makes me laugh because i can imagine what the SIL is thinking...
In my family people are so worried about being an imposition that we bring bags of food with us when staying with family so as not to cause any expense or trouble. My aunt showed up with a tin of coffee, a tupperware full of hardboiled eggs, oranges and a loaf of bread "so she wouldn't be a bother."