Explicitly asked for money by couple that’s getting married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bad manners part to me is demanding that guests give a gift in a particular way. I think it is fine to indicate your preference through a registry, fund link etc.. but to cross over into a requirement v.s suggestion is what I think is bad manners. Same for people who demand a gift card for birthdays etc..

At my wedding i had to carry a purse for cash gifts that were handed to me and my mom had a decorated antique bird cage for envelopes with checks and we also had a registry - this was back in the late '90s but there was no note to guests anywhere that they had to give at all or in any format

This is every bit as tacky as asking outright for cash. Your "satin cash purse and birdcage" screamed " give me cash."

I also had the birdcage at my New York wedding in 1999. Cash was the typical wedding gift in our family circles -- half Jewish, half Catholic (not Italian though).

This is a common practice in the NE. It’s considered incredibly tacky and cringeworthy in other parts of the country. In wealthy circles it’s still considered bad manners to have a family member throw the bride a shower. I think that’s now standard in the NE.

Not my experience in the NE (wasp). Are you talking about Italian communities/NY per the above? Maybe specify a culture instead of a location?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s pretty common now. And how is it any more gauche than a registry?

IMO it just seems over the top - didn’t realize this is standard. I think I would be less turned off if there were a registry - I would truly rather get the couple new kitchen supplies or whatever than just give them a check.

Why though? It's the same $100 or whatever it is your spending. Shouldn't the gift be about what the receiver wants? It's a gift, after all. My mother is like you - if there's a registry and she doesn't like what's on it, she gets something she likes better. It's so bizarre to me.

No. This is one step from simply charging entry to the wedding.

You are supposed to give a gift for a wedding, even if you don’t go. That is the custom in this country and has been for years and years. People who are offended by this don’t enlightened to me, they sound cheap.

Why, and according to whom?

I know lots of people feel this way. It's a hot topic of conversation here, among other places: "Attending this wedding would be horribly inconvenient/weird because we hardly know the bride and groom -- do we still have to give a present?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s pretty common now. And how is it any more gauche than a registry?

IMO it just seems over the top - didn’t realize this is standard. I think I would be less turned off if there were a registry - I would truly rather get the couple new kitchen supplies or whatever than just give them a check.

Why though? It's the same $100 or whatever it is your spending. Shouldn't the gift be about what the receiver wants? It's a gift, after all. My mother is like you - if there's a registry and she doesn't like what's on it, she gets something she likes better. It's so bizarre to me.

No. This is one step from simply charging entry to the wedding.

Isn’t expecting gifts off a registry charging entry as well, only it’s items instead of the cash used to purchase the items.

It is if you include registry information in the invitation. If you just have a registry, no.

Traditionally, the registry would be at The One Store Where Everyone Registers in the bride's hometown, and locals would know to go to Lazarus or whatever. Out-of-towners would call the bride's mother or a bridesmaid -- but not the bride!-- and ask.

These days, you can usually find where a couple is registered online.

[Anonymous]

Let's look at the other side of this. You are so offended they had the nerve to tell you what they actually want, that you decide to protest with no gift or some gift YOU think is perfect that they don't want and will donate. Will you feel better? Will you then create drama when you don't know if they received it, don't get your thank you note fast enough, don't like what was written in thank you note. Will you go to their home and stew and obsess because you don't your unwanted gift displayed? You no how to avoid all this angst? Write a check and give a card. Want to know if it was received? See if they deposited it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's look at the other side of this. You are so offended they had the nerve to tell you what they actually want, that you decide to protest with no gift or some gift YOU think is perfect that they don't want and will donate. Will you feel better? Will you then create drama when you don't know if they received it, don't get your thank you note fast enough, don't like what was written in thank you note. Will you go to their home and stew and obsess because you don't your unwanted gift displayed? You no how to avoid all this angst? Write a check and give a card. Want to know if it was received? See if they deposited it.

Let's look at this yet another way: Weddings have gotten completely out of hand. Couples should throw themselves the wedding they can afford, and the festivities associated with them should be no more complicated or elaborate than the parties the couples usually throw for themselves: a dinner, a cookout, a rowdy New Year's bash. Presents are not just theoretically optional, they're truly optional, because these are adults who have their lives, including their finances, under control. Will your absolutely closest friends want to give you something, just as they would give you something for a milestone birthday? Sure, probably. And they can either look for your registry, give cash, or give you something they know (because they know you that well) you will like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece and her fiancé only allowed contributions to their luxurious Maldives honeymoon. The gifts were given during the couples shower. Lol. That’s what the registry was for , the honeymoon was broken down into categories, couples massages, room, dinners, resort credits, etc. I drew the line when my sister started delegating who would purchase what and how much she deemed you could afford to spend. This couple could well afford this honeymoon and then some. I made a charitable donation in their name. My niece still ignores me at family function. IDGAF.

My next door neighbors were also invited to a wedding that only allowed for contributions to the luxurious Maldives honeymoon.
The bride and groom and their family live in a poor part of Maryland. My next door neighbor's husband is the CEO of a company. She thought this was incredibly tacky and she said she and her husband could not afford to go to the Maldives nor could most of the wedding guests. The next door neighbor bought a physical gift and card. She wrapped it and delivered it to the bride in advance.

Good for her and exactly what I would do.

Hopefully the two of you include a gift receipt so they can take your dumb gift back and get cash. There's literally zero reason to be so self righteous and give a physical gift when you can give cash, which is what they need, instead. Did you get an award or the parade you wanted?

It's weird how the defenders of cash gifts are so unconcerned about how bad they're making their side look. But then, the shakedown couples don't seem to care how bad they look, either.

Just to piss you off more, I did not have a registry or ask for cash. I got married in my 30s. Why bother buying me kitchen crap that I already have or don’t want instead of just giving cash so I can actually use your gift that you worked so hard for and so graciously gave me? You’d rather me just give it away? Again your self righteousness about this is so asinine.

Because the point of a gift isn’t to give something that’s the most needed and practical item ever. It’s a gesture.

Bullcrap. Don’t give me your crap gesture gift, don’t come to my wedding and don’t complain about not being invited you cheap self righteous douche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece and her fiancé only allowed contributions to their luxurious Maldives honeymoon. The gifts were given during the couples shower. Lol. That’s what the registry was for , the honeymoon was broken down into categories, couples massages, room, dinners, resort credits, etc. I drew the line when my sister started delegating who would purchase what and how much she deemed you could afford to spend. This couple could well afford this honeymoon and then some. I made a charitable donation in their name. My niece still ignores me at family function. IDGAF.

My next door neighbors were also invited to a wedding that only allowed for contributions to the luxurious Maldives honeymoon.
The bride and groom and their family live in a poor part of Maryland. My next door neighbor's husband is the CEO of a company. She thought this was incredibly tacky and she said she and her husband could not afford to go to the Maldives nor could most of the wedding guests. The next door neighbor bought a physical gift and card. She wrapped it and delivered it to the bride in advance.

Good for her and exactly what I would do.

Hopefully the two of you include a gift receipt so they can take your dumb gift back and get cash. There's literally zero reason to be so self righteous and give a physical gift when you can give cash, which is what they need, instead. Did you get an award or the parade you wanted?

It's weird how the defenders of cash gifts are so unconcerned about how bad they're making their side look. But then, the shakedown couples don't seem to care how bad they look, either.

Just to piss you off more, I did not have a registry or ask for cash. I got married in my 30s. Why bother buying me kitchen crap that I already have or don’t want instead of just giving cash so I can actually use your gift that you worked so hard for and so graciously gave me? You’d rather me just give it away? Again your self righteousness about this is so asinine.

Because the point of a gift isn’t to give something that’s the most needed and practical item ever. It’s a gesture.

Bullcrap. Don’t give me your crap gesture gift, don’t come to my wedding and don’t complain about not being invited you cheap self righteous douche.

The bride is glowing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's look at the other side of this. You are so offended they had the nerve to tell you what they actually want, that you decide to protest with no gift or some gift YOU think is perfect that they don't want and will donate. Will you feel better? Will you then create drama when you don't know if they received it, don't get your thank you note fast enough, don't like what was written in thank you note. Will you go to their home and stew and obsess because you don't your unwanted gift displayed? You no how to avoid all this angst? Write a check and give a card. Want to know if it was received? See if they deposited it.

Let's look at this yet another way: Weddings have gotten completely out of hand. Couples should throw themselves the wedding they can afford, and the festivities associated with them should be no more complicated or elaborate than the parties the couples usually throw for themselves: a dinner, a cookout, a rowdy New Year's bash. Presents are not just theoretically optional, they're truly optional, because these are adults who have their lives, including their finances, under control. Will your absolutely closest friends want to give you something, just as they would give you something for a milestone birthday? Sure, probably. And they can either look for your registry, give cash, or give you something they know (because they know you that well) you will like.

So you have the authority to completely rewrite all societal rules around weddings because you don’t want to give a gift. All time DUM brilliance right here. No more weddings, just BBQs and picnics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s pretty common now. And how is it any more gauche than a registry?

IMO it just seems over the top - didn’t realize this is standard. I think I would be less turned off if there were a registry - I would truly rather get the couple new kitchen supplies or whatever than just give them a check.

Why though? It's the same $100 or whatever it is your spending. Shouldn't the gift be about what the receiver wants? It's a gift, after all. My mother is like you - if there's a registry and she doesn't like what's on it, she gets something she likes better. It's so bizarre to me.

No. This is one step from simply charging entry to the wedding.

Isn’t expecting gifts off a registry charging entry as well, only it’s items instead of the cash used to purchase the items.

It is if you include registry information in the invitation. If you just have a registry, no.

Traditionally, the registry would be at The One Store Where Everyone Registers in the bride's hometown, and locals would know to go to Lazarus or whatever. Out-of-towners would call the bride's mother or a bridesmaid -- but not the bride!-- and ask.

These days, you can usually find where a couple is registered online.

This is bizarre to me (or just stuck in the 1950s). I’d much rather they include the registry information than make me do a Google search for Susie and John’s wedding to track the registry down. This is also why I prefer to just give cash. I do not understand why people get all in their feeling about this issue. If I am giving you a wedding gift anyway, I could not care less if you prefer cash to an item bought with that same amount of cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually follow my cultural practice of giving a check instead of buying things like towels etc.

However, I do not give the money to the nephew or niece who get married. I make the check out to my sibs or cousins ( parents of the bride or groom) who fund the wedding and write on the memo - on the occasion of xyz’s wedding! The parents can pass on that money to their children or use the money to offset their costs.

I always prefer to give money but to the person who is throwing the wedding or who I am closer to. For example, if I am invited to the wedding of a friends offspring, I make out the check to my friend.

This is really nasty. No one is asking you to pay for the wedding, you’re just being condescending to the couple…driving home the point that they didn’t pay for their own wedding, like shaming them.

If you were invited to my kid’s wedding and did this, I would send your check back and tell you to shove it up your butt.

There is cultural context here you are missing. In communities that do this, people know that parents are paying for the wedding and often provide gifts to their friends (the parents) to offset the costs. The young couple is usually showered with gifts from their family but the thought is the family would know what’s needed. I agree it feels odd in American culture.

What country's culture does this? It's odd in any culture let alone those who decide to live in the USA. I never heard of it from anyone who is or their parents were new to the USA. Hah. I can only imagine if I gave parents checks when sibs, nieces, nephews, etc the check.

Sounds Chinese to me. Wouldn't be that far out of line in the culture I come from, but it would be odd.

But the hyperventilation about it I am seeing in the thread is something else. Y'all are going to need to navigate the friction of much, much more severe cultural differences. The borders are open.

+1
It is a function of culture and who invited the guests. If the bride and groom do not know the guests who are friends of the parents and the cultural practice allow this, then it is perfectly in line to give a check made out to parents for the newlyweds. The idea is the parents will explain to the newlyweds who gave them the gift and the relationship.

In practical sense, the guests want to let their host know the amount that gave as gift. Gift giving is a complex social act, at least in some cultures.

[Anonymous]

I love the idea of giving money and if I can do it online even better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s pretty common now. And how is it any more gauche than a registry?

IMO it just seems over the top - didn’t realize this is standard. I think I would be less turned off if there were a registry - I would truly rather get the couple new kitchen supplies or whatever than just give them a check.

Why though? It's the same $100 or whatever it is your spending. Shouldn't the gift be about what the receiver wants? It's a gift, after all. My mother is like you - if there's a registry and she doesn't like what's on it, she gets something she likes better. It's so bizarre to me.

No. This is one step from simply charging entry to the wedding.

Isn’t expecting gifts off a registry charging entry as well, only it’s items instead of the cash used to purchase the items.

It is if you include registry information in the invitation. If you just have a registry, no.

Traditionally, the registry would be at The One Store Where Everyone Registers in the bride's hometown, and locals would know to go to Lazarus or whatever. Out-of-towners would call the bride's mother or a bridesmaid -- but not the bride!-- and ask.

These days, you can usually find where a couple is registered online.

This is bizarre to me (or just stuck in the 1950s). I’d much rather they include the registry information than make me do a Google search for Susie and John’s wedding to track the registry down. This is also why I prefer to just give cash. I do not understand why people get all in their feeling about this issue. If I am giving you a wedding gift anyway, I could not care less if you prefer cash to an item bought with that same amount of cash.

Maybe your grandchildren can teach you how to Google. It's not that hard for The Youth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's look at the other side of this. You are so offended they had the nerve to tell you what they actually want, that you decide to protest with no gift or some gift YOU think is perfect that they don't want and will donate. Will you feel better? Will you then create drama when you don't know if they received it, don't get your thank you note fast enough, don't like what was written in thank you note. Will you go to their home and stew and obsess because you don't your unwanted gift displayed? You no how to avoid all this angst? Write a check and give a card. Want to know if it was received? See if they deposited it.

Let's look at this yet another way: Weddings have gotten completely out of hand. Couples should throw themselves the wedding they can afford, and the festivities associated with them should be no more complicated or elaborate than the parties the couples usually throw for themselves: a dinner, a cookout, a rowdy New Year's bash. Presents are not just theoretically optional, they're truly optional, because these are adults who have their lives, including their finances, under control. Will your absolutely closest friends want to give you something, just as they would give you something for a milestone birthday? Sure, probably. And they can either look for your registry, give cash, or give you something they know (because they know you that well) you will like.

So you have the authority to completely rewrite all societal rules around weddings because you don’t want to give a gift. All time DUM brilliance right here. No more weddings, just BBQs and picnics.

Oh, the irony!