Uninvited from Super Bowl party

[Anonymous]

Is it possible for someone to organize some basic social skills lessons for the unit? Contact the special education department of your kids’ school and see if they can put something together. Only partly kidding here! If the host didn’t know this was terrifyingly rude, what other d—- moves is he pulling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry OP. The military can be cruel to spouses snd children. Your husband's career may be in jeopardy because his underlings obviously think he is a doormat. I have never heard of an officer in charge taking a shift so underlings can celebrate and the underlings in question are complete jerks in return. Usually you would attend and everyone would talk about how awesome your DH is. This isn't normal and I hope your DH gets a new assignment soon and you PCS far away from these people.

Yeah these people have no respect for your DH. Is your DH’s career doing ok?

I guess? He just got promoted and took this position. The fill-in thing is because his predecessor used to do the same, and he hasn't found a way to rightly end it. That's all.

So Op's DH is new to the position. His predecessor never attended the party. Let's assume, then, predecessor's family never did either. People like it when the boss isn't there, and there was worry when it suddenly seemed that DH, OP, and family would attend the party. Forcing DH out was easy, because tradition, but then they wanted to be sure OP and kids wouldn't attend either. Hence the somewhat rude disinvite.

OP, I'm sorry you are lonely. But it's very possible that, given your DH's position, they never expected you to attend the party, and once they found out you were planning to attend, they figured out how to explicitly uninvite you. That's rude and it sucks, but if that's the case it's because of your DH's position as boss. I say this as someone who once watched my entire 10 person staff attempt to all casually and silently leave for lunch at the same time without me noticing because they were going to celebrate something and didn't want me there. I was hurt and annoyed, but I understood. Hopefully you can make some other social connections.

I guess this is the only reasonable explanation. Still harsh!

[Anonymous]

I think your husband needs to reach out to his predecessor and others of his rank currently stationed there now. And you need to do the same to those people’s spouses. There is something very important that is getting missed, and you both need to figure out the norms and expectations.

I have a hard time believing that anyone in such a hierarchical culture would deliberately disinvite the boss’s wife and kids unless there was a very good reason. Somewhere, someone is violating an unspoken rule. Is it that you guys weren’t supposed to go in the first place? Were they not supposed to invite you at all? Are you supposed to offer to host? (That aside about space limitations makes me wonder…) There’s a weird kabuki dance going on, but people are missing steps.

Fix the hidden problem. Then start inviting people over for coffee, starting with whomever dropped off a casserole/spare folding chairs/their kid’s phone number for lawn-mowing or babysitting. If you are in the military, arrivals are very ritualized because EVERYONE has been the new kid and knows how it feels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Focus on the bigger picture - why are you isolated? Work on that issue.

This. Why are you so lonely? Can you work on fixing that? That would help! Good luck, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry OP. The military can be cruel to spouses snd children. Your husband's career may be in jeopardy because his underlings obviously think he is a doormat. I have never heard of an officer in charge taking a shift so underlings can celebrate and the underlings in question are complete jerks in return. Usually you would attend and everyone would talk about how awesome your DH is. This isn't normal and I hope your DH gets a new assignment soon and you PCS far away from these people.

Yeah these people have no respect for your DH. Is your DH’s career doing ok?

I guess? He just got promoted and took this position. The fill-in thing is because his predecessor used to do the same, and he hasn't found a way to rightly end it. That's all.

So Op's DH is new to the position. His predecessor never attended the party. Let's assume, then, predecessor's family never did either. People like it when the boss isn't there, and there was worry when it suddenly seemed that DH, OP, and family would attend the party. Forcing DH out was easy, because tradition, but then they wanted to be sure OP and kids wouldn't attend either. Hence the somewhat rude disinvite.

OP, I'm sorry you are lonely. But it's very possible that, given your DH's position, they never expected you to attend the party, and once they found out you were planning to attend, they figured out how to explicitly uninvite you. That's rude and it sucks, but if that's the case it's because of your DH's position as boss. I say this as someone who once watched my entire 10 person staff attempt to all casually and silently leave for lunch at the same time without me noticing because they were going to celebrate something and didn't want me there. I was hurt and annoyed, but I understood. Hopefully you can make some other social connections.

I guess this is the only reasonable explanation. Still harsh!

So they initially invited the boss and his family, but expected them to decline? Even though he had attended this same gathering years ago (when he wasn’t the boss)?

[Anonymous]

OP is a troll.

Who would be "Uninviting" someone family members from a party? What reason is there to do so? Unless it is a swinger party and couples must come to partner up with other couples?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband needs to reach out to his predecessor and others of his rank currently stationed there now. And you need to do the same to those people’s spouses. There is something very important that is getting missed, and you both need to figure out the norms and expectations.

I have a hard time believing that anyone in such a hierarchical culture would deliberately disinvite the boss’s wife and kids unless there was a very good reason. Somewhere, someone is violating an unspoken rule. Is it that you guys weren’t supposed to go in the first place? Were they not supposed to invite you at all? Are you supposed to offer to host? (That aside about space limitations makes me wonder…) There’s a weird kabuki dance going on, but people are missing steps.

Fix the hidden problem. Then start inviting people over for coffee, starting with whomever dropped off a casserole/spare folding chairs/their kid’s phone number for lawn-mowing or babysitting. If you are in the military, arrivals are very ritualized because EVERYONE has been the new kid and knows how it feels.

This is all great advice. OP at this point in your DH’s career, you really need to find friends amongst similar ranked couples. It stinks, but that is the way; but that is the culture. But also, learn to read the room with this crowd. The disinvite was so oddly worded that there is something else at play here. Learn the dynamics.

If you are lonely, have you tried making some friends outside the military world? Sometimes being around people who are separate from that way of life can be refreshing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since OP was included on the email I honestly would be tempted to respond "Dear xxx, For the record, that email is breathtakingly rude. Not to worry, we won't attend."

I might be tempted to do that for a purely social event. Since it’s related to a spouse’s work, and a new position at that, I’d leave it up to the spouse to determine an appropriate response.

+1 -which is why it was weird to include her in the email in the first place!

I haven't been in this exact situation, but if this is all about hierarchy, etc., keep it to the chain of command. I'm wondering if the rest of the unit/spouses even know this was done.

Also, as a spouse, you know how to show up, have fun, and then depart at an appropriate time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband needs to reach out to his predecessor and others of his rank currently stationed there now. And you need to do the same to those people’s spouses. There is something very important that is getting missed, and you both need to figure out the norms and expectations.

I have a hard time believing that anyone in such a hierarchical culture would deliberately disinvite the boss’s wife and kids unless there was a very good reason. Somewhere, someone is violating an unspoken rule. Is it that you guys weren’t supposed to go in the first place? Were they not supposed to invite you at all? Are you supposed to offer to host? (That aside about space limitations makes me wonder…) There’s a weird kabuki dance going on, but people are missing steps.

Fix the hidden problem. Then start inviting people over for coffee, starting with whomever dropped off a casserole/spare folding chairs/their kid’s phone number for lawn-mowing or babysitting. If you are in the military, arrivals are very ritualized because EVERYONE has been the new kid and knows how it feels.

Great post. I feel for you, OP. Good luck on finding a community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband needs to reach out to his predecessor and others of his rank currently stationed there now. And you need to do the same to those people’s spouses. There is something very important that is getting missed, and you both need to figure out the norms and expectations.

I have a hard time believing that anyone in such a hierarchical culture would deliberately disinvite the boss’s wife and kids unless there was a very good reason. Somewhere, someone is violating an unspoken rule. Is it that you guys weren’t supposed to go in the first place? Were they not supposed to invite you at all? Are you supposed to offer to host? (That aside about space limitations makes me wonder…) There’s a weird kabuki dance going on, but people are missing steps.

Fix the hidden problem. Then start inviting people over for coffee, starting with whomever dropped off a casserole/spare folding chairs/their kid’s phone number for lawn-mowing or babysitting. If you are in the military, arrivals are very ritualized because EVERYONE has been the new kid and knows how it feels.

Is this a thing? We've never been officially welcomed before. Maybe it depends on the service and if you live on/off base.

[Anonymous]

It seems very obvious to me that this is supposed to be a “staff” (insert appropriate military term) party to which the “boss” receives a courtesy invitation but is supposed to know better than to accept.

Still rude, though - if you and kids wanted to attend they should have sucked it up and received you gracefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for someone to organize some basic social skills lessons for the unit? Contact the special education department of your kids’ school and see if they can put something together. Only partly kidding here! If the host didn’t know this was terrifyingly rude, what other d—- moves is he pulling?

Although the faux pas might have been the OP’s for not bowing out gracefully once her husband made it clear that he wouldn’t be attending. The email was rude, but it might not have been the only display of less than ideal social skills in the mix.

There’s something off about this though. If the OP really was at that post before, then why not mention it in the original post? Does she still know people there? Does she have any sense of the social boundaries and traditions that often accompany differences in rank?

[Anonymous]

Very odd. There is nothing you can do. But whoever dreamed this up has zero social skills.

You did nothing wrong, and when the weather gets nicer, I am sure there will be more invitations.

If not, plan a potluck picnic in the park and invite other couples/neighbors/ whoever to join in 😀

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me preface this by saying I don't care about the Super Bowl, but I'm very isolated and lonely and take social interactions where I can get them.

That being said, DH's unit has a pretty fantastic party every year, and I look forward to going. This year, the host ended up being assigned to work, so DH offered to take his shift so he could host (he reports directly to DH). A day later, DH got an email uninviting me and our kids, for the sole reason that it was a family party, and since DH wasn't going, we weren't welcome.

Part of me gets it, but most of me...DH isn't going so the host can host! I was crushed, but DH thinks I'm overreacting and should just watch the game at home. I know he's right, but again, I don't care about the game. I wanted to see other human beings.

Just needed to vent. I know there's no solution.

What a glassbowl!!!!! i would find a way to fire this jerk!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I just say that it's pretty shitty that you and your husband didn't offer to host the party, given that he's the boss and presumably makes more money.

He's only been at the unit three weeks. It was planned before he got here.

in your OP you said they have a fantastic party every year and you always look forward to going? Now he’s only been with the unit 3 weeks?

Whelp, was trying to not add identifying details, but yeah, he was at this unit once before. We enjoyed the party. Now he's back in a different role.

Troll.