Reply to I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You and your husband definitely have major issues. You are making a mistake focusing on small things (like someone holding a baby) over the fundamentals. Fundamentally, your hsuband does not seem to respect you. [b]He thinks it is more important to make his mom happy than you. He is selfish enough to hold out for the perfect job over something that contributes to family.[/b]

The reality is that you have your own issues as well (we all do — no one is perfect).

The question is where do you go from here. Individual and marriage counseling might really help. But you have never responded that you are willing to try this. If you don’t want to try counseling, then your choices are to remain miserable or get a divorce.[/quote]

THIS. Exactly how I feel.
I will never proclaim to be a perfect person. But I consider my main family unit to be my spouse and child. That does not mean neglecting or cutting off my family of origin, but to me, it means making decisions that prioritize my spouse and child.
It means sometimes saying NO to my parents. It means considering my husband's opinion on a situation as more important than my mom's.
I am in individual counseling. We have done couple therapy before but ended it twice, with 2 different providers, because DH did not htink it was productive.
One counselor actually dared to use the enmeshed word and pointed out that dh did not have appropriate boundaries with his family. 
DH WALKED OUT of the appointment. It was mortifying.[/quote]

DP. Is this you above, OP? If so -- I note you say you are currently in individual counseling. What does your counselor say? Do you only vent there, or do you discuss coping strategies? 
I'm not actually asking you to report to us strangers what you discuss in counseling. I'm asking, really, if the counseling is helping you make any choices, see anything differently, or develop any specific strategies for coping when he does things that are problematic for you. In short, is the counseling just to vent or is it intended to help you cope day to day and also possibly assess whether to stay or go? Have you told the counselor everything you are telling us here? And if not -- why not, what's holding you back?

I'm sorry he walked out on that appointment. It sounds as if he cannot be open to hearing an objective third party question his relationship with his family of origin. Keep going to YOUR individual counseling, maybe even double down and do more if you need to. But be sure it's actually helping you move forward and cope, not just vent. [/quote]

Yes, OP here and I did post that. My counselor says if I want to leave, she will help work me thru it. If i want to stay (which is what I have said so far because of my child and custody) then we need to communicate. Obviously she can help me cope with how I act/react but without someone working with DH, I don't see much progress to be made.

I have an appt this week, and I will be sure to ask her for coping strategies and not just venting space. Thank you for that.

He is not open to hearing anything about his family of origin that is less than praise. And for everyone who jumped on me for using the terms copdependent, enmeshed, groupthink etc. Those terms were introduced to me by BOTH of the couples therapists we tried, As in, after listening to DH talk about his family, defend them without fail, consider their preferences as just as if not more important than OURS, both therapists suggested to him that his family dynamic showed enmeshed patterns. And he pulled the plug after that.[/quote]

They are giving you their perspective, which you asked for, not “jumping on you.” You react so angrily to anyone who doesn’t blow smoke up your skirt.[/quote]

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