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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.

The ADHD suggestion is interesting. It could be this. It does also feel like a learned behavior that a lot of men engage in though, especially the thing where he just checks out and can't hear a child three feet away who is asking repeatedly for a snack or help with the bathroom or whatever. That one really gets me because I honestly can't tell if he really can't hear DC or is just incredibly good at tuning things out. I feel like he's tuning it out because, for instance, if he hears the laundry or the oven timer go off, he definitely hears it and will get up to deal with it. So it is strange and frustrating to me when my kid is asking over and over and he's just a brick wall. So I feel like it could be ADHD but I do think there is also some willful behavior in there, too. But maybe investigating ADHD as a diagnosis could open the door to talking about it in a way where he is less defensive. Maybe.

I really relate to what PP said, though, about just being the parent on call 100% of the time. And yes, I work, too. But I sometimes feel, especially on the weekends, like my time and my life just doesn't belong to me at all, that every second of my waking hours is dedicated to parenting or thinking about parenting and I just desperately need a break. And it's frustrating that my DH seems to be able to take breaks all the time, whenever he feels like it, but just checking out mentally. I sometimes try to check out mentally but it rarely works because my kid just comes to me. I've had the situation where my DH is supposed to be on "kid duty" so that I can take a nap or get a workout or something, and then he will ignore DC (usually while staring at his phone) so DC will come to me and interrupt whatever I'm doing, and then I'll say "go ask your dad" and then DH will blame DC for "making [him] look bad." It's such a frustrating dynamic because (1) it's gross to watch your spouse blame your kid for their own neglectful behavior, and (2) when this stuff happens I don't even want to have the debate about it, I just want to be left alone.

And yes, the pandemic has made it a million times worse, with all the shortened daycare hours and the months where daycare wasn't even open and also limited ability to travel or do other things to break up the monotony. It's making my DH even more checked out, and it's making me feel even more frustrated when I wind up picking up the slack. I think if we all got a bit of a break, this would still be an issue but it wouldn't be quite so infuriating.[/quote]

I'm the PP that suggested ADHD. It sounds like MANY men act this way, and I'm sure they don't all have ADHD. But if there are other signs in your DH it might be worth looking at.

In my DH's case, it was actually pretty obvious that he has ADHD. But he's extremely intelligent and able to compensate so it was not flagged in his school days in the 80s and 90s. And now he's very successful in his career. (I was always like, how can he do so well at work when he is like this?? And it's kinda like everyone puts up with his quirks because he can do things that other people can't.) So he was doing better than getting by. But his behavior was causing issues in our relationship. And for my part, I didn't know enough about ADHD to know that these particular annoying behaviors were attributable to that. Once I learned more and put it all together ... it was a real epiphany. He went to the doctor, got diagnosed, now takes medicine, and I do see a difference, but it's only been a couple months, and it's not like he's perfect now, haha. But I notice that he's more patient and more available. More able to make changes. Less irritable.

Anyway, if you take a look at the diagnostic criteria and read a bit about it, you'll probably get a good idea whether this is your DH's issue or not.

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