Would you decline family money to avoid their unspoken strings?

[Anonymous]

Yes but I can’t be guilt tripped by money. BTDT and it doesn’t work on me. If someone hands me money as a gift, then it’s mine. Yes it has pissed relatives off who felt their strings were attached but the only result was they were pissed of and I was happy (and a little bit richer) so that didn’t work out too well for them.

[Anonymous]

It's unspoken, right? So how do you know? A gift is something that is given with a loving heart and you don't expect anything in return. If you have been told there are expectations by a messenger, let the messenger know you only accept gifts. As we all know gifts are often used to manipulate. That is why people at their jobs cannot accept gifts worth more than a certain amount.

My family pulls this shit and I used to get drawn in. I stopped going along with unspoken strings. When those strings were spoken I said I don't accept gifts with strings. I give a thank you note and say thank you. That is all. Now my mother of all people goes out of her ways to make it clear at every birthday and holiday she is giving me nothing. I still do things for her, but not more than I am willing. I have boundaries. When she goes into her song and dance to make sure i know I am not getting her giftypoo I change the subject. She is old and unable to hide her true nature. I do want to be in her life and be there for her within limits, but the amount I do for her is based on my hectic life, not any amount of money she has or will never give me.

[Anonymous]

I almost forgot to mention...Dr. Ramani on youtube now has several videos dedicated to narcissists and gifts of money or money in general. I felt like she knew my family. They are bat shit crazy about their money and gifts. It was so freeing when I finally spelled out, I say thank you for gifts and write thank you notes, but that is it. They do not influence my behavior otherwise. I used to feel so much guilt and obligation.

[Anonymous]

Accept the gift and acknowledge with gratitude. Done.
Live your life and extend the kindness and love you normally would to her. I presume you aren't openly antagonizing her and just generally respecting her position just as one would do as a courtesy to anyone. If she someday finds something to object to, you politely respond that you are making decisions for your life and hope she can see past differences. If she then chooses to withhold future gifts, so be it. But for now don't look for problems that aren't there.

[Anonymous]

If it is unspoken then no I don't decline it. What is the worst that can happen?

[Anonymous]

I cannot figure out:
1) how an aunt can control you;
and
2) what her religious beliefs have to do with your life.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to give us more information about how these “unspoken” strings are affecting you. You should, of course, be kind and polite. If you just feel guilty because you think your beliefs should match hers, then you can keep the money. If you are being dishonest with her about anything in order to keep the money flowing, then you should decline.

Based on your language of “unspoken,” it sounds like she’s not actually saying anything to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in my late 20s now and I have an aunt who has been sending me around $1,000 year since my teens. However she is a strict Catholic and I am an atheist. Among other things, she is a bit controlling.

So does she have kids? Unless wealthy I assume no. In a later post OP wrote she lives next to or near OP's mom. Just be pleasant when you see them and get off the religion topic-diversion. I can't see a major problem until she asks about a priest at a wedding or baptism. Then she might speak the strings but meanwhile you will have accumulated the money. So priestly bad behavior has shredded expectations with/without strings ...

[Anonymous]

If at some point she says, "After all that money I gave you, how dare you not be more religious" or whatever ...you just say "I am so sorry. I thought that was a gift given out of generosity and kindness. Now that i understand these are not gifts, I will no longer accept them." You do not need to return any past money since you were not told the terms of acceptance. Done!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it is unspoken then no I don't decline it. What is the worst that can happen?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, blood money

That’s not blood money. Look it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Accept the gift and acknowledge with gratitude. Done.
Live your life and extend the kindness and love you normally would to her. I presume you aren't openly antagonizing her and just generally respecting her position just as one would do as a courtesy to anyone. If she someday finds something to object to, you politely respond that you are making decisions for your life and hope she can see past differences. If she then chooses to withhold future gifts, so be it. But for now don't look for problems that aren't there.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to go to church with her every Sunday, or do you just want to go have sex before marriage and get an abortion and live in sin but she lives across the country and doesn't know any of that?

OP here. She lives next to my mother (also pretty religious) and they talk about everything.

So what? How does that harm you in any way?! If the strings are “unspoken”…deal with your own feelings. If she wants to give you money, accept it graciously. You don’t have to agree to whatever strings you are imagining. And if she wants to cut you off at some point, she is free to do so.

I’d take the money and donate it to Planned Parenthood or funds for survivors of Church abuse, personally, but I’m a bitter former Catholic so there’s that. I don’t say no to free money that I can use for good in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's unspoken, right? So how do you know? A gift is something that is given with a loving heart and you don't expect anything in return. If you have been told there are expectations by a messenger, let the messenger know you only accept gifts. As we all know gifts are often used to manipulate. That is why people at their jobs cannot accept gifts worth more than a certain amount.

My family pulls this shit and I used to get drawn in. I stopped going along with unspoken strings. When those strings were spoken I said I don't accept gifts with strings. I give a thank you note and say thank you. That is all. Now my mother of all people goes out of her ways to make it clear at every birthday and holiday she is giving me nothing. I still do things for her, but not more than I am willing. I have boundaries. When she goes into her song and dance to make sure i know I am not getting her giftypoo I change the subject. She is old and unable to hide her true nature. I do want to be in her life and be there for her within limits, but the amount I do for her is based on my hectic life, not any amount of money she has or will never give me.

"giftypoo"

Gifts with strings really are poo, aren't they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Accept the gift and acknowledge with gratitude. Done.
Live your life and extend the kindness and love you normally would to her. I presume you aren't openly antagonizing her and just generally respecting her position just as one would do as a courtesy to anyone. If she someday finds something to object to, you politely respond that you are making decisions for your life and hope she can see past differences. If she then chooses to withhold future gifts, so be it. But for now don't look for problems that aren't there.

This

+2 and like the other PP said, you can donate any amount of the gifts wherever you chose to donate.