Can I send my in-laws home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, they have only been there two days. Not worth the hard feelings you would cause by getting upset and telling them to leave. DH can ask his parents directly for specific help with the kids. I’d tough it out and never ask them again.

Yeah. Consider it a lesson learned.

We had our last international move (the 6th!) a couple of years ago - my husband unexpectedly had to be out of town on moving day (another rant for another time) and my parents offered to come and help out. They had the kids with them at a hotel the night before the movers came, which was great.

I told them again and again that the one thing I REALLY needed was at least one other adult to be there when the movers came because it's chaos when the movers descend. They rolled up a good 2.5 hours later with the kids in tow and start asking a million questions about what they should do with the kids that day, what should they do for lunch, why was my cleaning lady there and all matter of ridiculousness. I wanted to rip my hair out. Never again.

[Anonymous]

DH handles

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? Do they really need full time attention, or can they be left to occupy themselves for a couple of hours at a time?

If you are willing to send your ILs home, it sounds like you can do fine without them, and were really just hoping for grandparents to do something with the kids. Perhaps you can ask them to do something structured with the kids outside of the house (zoo, pool, hike) for a few hours and get food to go and have a picnic somewhere. You expected a replacement nanny, they expected to be visitors. You (DH) have to be more clear about what you actually need from them in the way of help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. But you can leave and let H deal with this circus. I’d divide my day between working outside at Starbucks or whatever coffee shop, working outside at a restaurant of my choice for a leisurely lunch, and perhaps from a park for the remainder of the afternoon. Rinse and repeat.

This is precisely why we have declined to have the ILs come “watch” the children this summer. Our guest room doubles as our office and the person not using that space uses the dining room table, which is open to the entire first floor. Short of one of us working from our bedroom and the other camping out to work in one of the kids’ rooms, guests are just not a possibility this summer since it would mean giving up our one office space and trying to hide from 4 additional people in the house. Thanks, no thanks. The kids will go to camp. Happy (though not really) to have you “vacation” at our house once our offices are open. Also, the idea of coming to the home of two working parents with young kids and adding to that load, especially during this time is just baffling to me, always has been since the first time my ILs announced they loved “vacationing” at our house.

Well done, PP, and you have it down. OP, how old are the kids? The ILs can't be too elderly if MIL is still working. And if she's working, maybe she shouldn't offer to "help".

In my first year of widowhood, my MIL flew cross country to help me during a rough patch. She rented her own car at the airport 100 miles away and got herself to our house with no fanfare. Rental car had booster and babyseat. She put her purse down and was ready to assist. We had a family dinner, she took notes on legal pad and had her calendar out. Some of this stuff she already knew, but figured out five year old had nature camp 3 days a week, baby was in the middle of potty training, teen was finishing summer school and had activities. We went for ice cream and to show where highschool, camp, and main grocery store were. I was up to my neck in work and MIL just took over. Whipped the house into shape, nice meal every night, including vegetarian dinner for teen. Baby potty trained over her visit, spices alphabetized.

I fully get I am bragging, but it was like Mary Poppins showed up. And at the very least when anyone promises to help, they should not create more work for anyone - they need to take a load off. Whether it's to help with young kids, assisting with someone going through a medical crisis - whatever.

[Anonymous]

She sounds great. My in-laws just nap. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds great. My in-laws just nap. Whatever.

Mine sleep in until noon, and expect all meals prepared and paid for. Fun!

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are your kids? Sometimes is hard for grandparents to feel like they are in charge if the parents are around and the kids keep going to the parents.

Your DH should definitely have a conversation with them ASAP. Something like, “Mom and Dad, we are so, so grateful that you came to help out and I know it’s tough to get settled into a rhythm when we are all on top of each other. But neither Larla nor I have been able to get our work done with the nanny gone. Do you still feel you are able to help? Are there things we can do to make that easier for you? If you feel it’s too much, we are going to need to hire a sitter for the rest of the time - which is fine but we just need to get moving ASAP to make that happen.”

[Anonymous]

Agree that you or DH needs to be very specific about what’s expected. I’m on the other side of this — when the grandchildren come alone, we have no issues entertaining them all week. However, when their Mom comes with them, they naturally gravitate to her for anything they need. It would be awkward for us to insert ourselves in between them uninvited. But we’re fine when she tells us that she needs to work, and we need to take over. It works best for us to just get them out of the house entirely, but I don’t mind telling them that they can’t bug their Mom when I have explicit authority to do so. Don’t let FIL off the hook — my DH has gotten to be a great entertainer of grandkids, even though it wasn’t necessarily the thing he felt most comfortable with, at first.

[Anonymous]

I think this is classic case of very poor communication and planning.

My parents have come twice to help me postpartum and once to babysit when I was going to school. They came a few weeks before I needed them and they were able to figure out how my home was run and what my kid/kids needed. Yes, when they came to help us and stayed with us, there was an increase in work for us too because not only with additional groceries, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc, but also their other needs. It was worth it because I had their support and I had already figured out additional help like a cleaning lady, sending clothes to a laundry service and an hourly cook who used to prep food for us.

If your parents are not very organized to begin with, are set in their ways, cannot cook or clean up, have no sense of how to run a home...why do you think they can be helpful with your childcare and housecare needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. But you can leave and let H deal with this circus. I’d divide my day between working outside at Starbucks or whatever coffee shop, working outside at a restaurant of my choice for a leisurely lunch, and perhaps from a park for the remainder of the afternoon. Rinse and repeat.

This is precisely why we have declined to have the ILs come “watch” the children this summer. Our guest room doubles as our office and the person not using that space uses the dining room table, which is open to the entire first floor. Short of one of us working from our bedroom and the other camping out to work in one of the kids’ rooms, guests are just not a possibility this summer since it would mean giving up our one office space and trying to hide from 4 additional people in the house. Thanks, no thanks. The kids will go to camp. Happy (though not really) to have you “vacation” at our house once our offices are open. Also, the idea of coming to the home of two working parents with young kids and adding to that load, especially during this time is just baffling to me, always has been since the first time my ILs announced they loved “vacationing” at our house.

Well done, PP, and you have it down. OP, how old are the kids? The ILs can't be too elderly if MIL is still working. And if she's working, maybe she shouldn't offer to "help".

In my first year of widowhood, my MIL flew cross country to help me during a rough patch. She rented her own car at the airport 100 miles away and got herself to our house with no fanfare. Rental car had booster and babyseat. She put her purse down and was ready to assist. We had a family dinner, she took notes on legal pad and had her calendar out. Some of this stuff she already knew, but figured out five year old had nature camp 3 days a week, baby was in the middle of potty training, teen was finishing summer school and had activities. We went for ice cream and to show where highschool, camp, and main grocery store were. I was up to my neck in work and MIL just took over. Whipped the house into shape, nice meal every night, including vegetarian dinner for teen. Baby potty trained over her visit, spices alphabetized.

I fully get I am bragging, but it was like Mary Poppins showed up. And at the very least when anyone promises to help, they should not create more work for anyone - they need to take a load off. Whether it's to help with young kids, assisting with someone going through a medical crisis - whatever.

What an amazing MIL you have. Having just watched my mom deal with the untimely death of an adult child, I can say your MIL must have had tremendous emotional strength to be grieving and helpful at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, wth.

Agree. What a joke. FIL is useless and mil is awol with work.

h needs to tell them to go AND find a replacement sitter stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want them to babysit, you have to leave the house. I think this is an iron rule of grandparents. It’s true of my own parents and they are lovely.

If that possible for you, OP?

This feels like the right answer. It even helps with the phrasing. "Okay, so we are planning on working from the library tomorrow. MIL, I know you've had some work things come up - will you be able to watch the kids while we're gone? Or do you have more work meetings you'll need to tend to? We'll be gone from 9am to 5pm."

Then, see what she says.

That’s not fair. You really just need to have a conversation and find out what is realistic and make a plan together. It is generous that they agreed to help but it seems that things didn’t work out in their lives either. Dumping on them and/or sending them home are the equivalent of throwing a temper tantrum because things didn’t go your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. But you can leave and let H deal with this circus. I’d divide my day between working outside at Starbucks or whatever coffee shop, working outside at a restaurant of my choice for a leisurely lunch, and perhaps from a park for the remainder of the afternoon. Rinse and repeat.

This is precisely why we have declined to have the ILs come “watch” the children this summer. Our guest room doubles as our office and the person not using that space uses the dining room table, which is open to the entire first floor. Short of one of us working from our bedroom and the other camping out to work in one of the kids’ rooms, guests are just not a possibility this summer since it would mean giving up our one office space and trying to hide from 4 additional people in the house. Thanks, no thanks. The kids will go to camp. Happy (though not really) to have you “vacation” at our house once our offices are open. Also, the idea of coming to the home of two working parents with young kids and adding to that load, especially during this time is just baffling to me, always has been since the first time my ILs announced they loved “vacationing” at our house.

Well done, PP, and you have it down. OP, how old are the kids? The ILs can't be too elderly if MIL is still working. And if she's working, maybe she shouldn't offer to "help".

In my first year of widowhood, my MIL flew cross country to help me during a rough patch. She rented her own car at the airport 100 miles away and got herself to our house with no fanfare. Rental car had booster and babyseat. She put her purse down and was ready to assist. We had a family dinner, she took notes on legal pad and had her calendar out. Some of this stuff she already knew, but figured out five year old had nature camp 3 days a week, baby was in the middle of potty training, teen was finishing summer school and had activities. We went for ice cream and to show where highschool, camp, and main grocery store were. I was up to my neck in work and MIL just took over. Whipped the house into shape, nice meal every night, including vegetarian dinner for teen. Baby potty trained over her visit, spices alphabetized.

I fully get I am bragging, but it was like Mary Poppins showed up. And at the very least when anyone promises to help, they should not create more work for anyone - they need to take a load off. Whether it's to help with young kids, assisting with someone going through a medical crisis - whatever.

What an amazing MIL you have. Having just watched my mom deal with the untimely death of an adult child, I can say your MIL must have had tremendous emotional strength to be grieving and helpful at the same time.

+1 What a gift, I can't imagine having this kind of loving help and support even in the midst of a terrible crisis. How wonderful that you two have each other.

[Anonymous]

Agree with those saying you leave the house tomorrow, OP, and let DH deal with his parents and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with those saying you leave the house tomorrow, OP, and let DH deal with his parents and the kids.

Yup. This. And if the kids are bawling when you get home (which hopefully they won't be), just suck it up and hire a babysitter.