Requesting thoughtful or loving gesture suggestions - spin off of 30+ thread

[Anonymous]

I wish I could say that it’s little gestures, but for me, it’s really the big things that color how I interpret the small things. When we have agreed or compromised on the big things, I have seen the little things as sweet and romantic, and the times he has just done what he wants without considering my opinion, I have seen any romantic gestures as cloying and coercive.

Big things: Where to live (what city/which house), what religion to practice, how many children to have, if/how much we both work (this includes actually providing real support in managing the house/kids if you are both working full time or taking on the lion’s share of it if you are a SAHD), what to do when someone in your immediate family (you, your wife, or one if the kids) has a serious of life threatening illness

I know that men have trouble talking about these things, and it may seem easier to just give in or to say “my way or the highway,” but I really think there are only so many times that someone can make a unilateral decision on these big issues. A good marriage can withstand if a couple of times, but if you do it too often, your marriage will crumble, and no amount of cuddling, thanking her, or buying flowers “just because” is going to bring it back.

[Anonymous]

If she digs you, no gesture is too small. If she does not, no gesture will suffice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a DW who commented in the other thread about how my DH used to take me on dates and buy flowers (and how that has fallen off and lo and behold, so has our sex life). Obviously it’s harder now that we’re juggling young kids and busy careers, but mostly I just want him to make some semblance of effort to treat me like he did when we were dating: like a desirable, interesting person and less like a business partner.

Like, if I arrange a sitter and make a dinner reservation he’s happy to go out and we have a good time, but he never initiates that himself (and if I have to ask him to, it defeats the purpose). And flowers/little gifts? Initiating a real conversation about something other than who is taking Larla to karate? Telling me I’m beautiful? Forget about it. Mostly I miss the effort/genuine interest.

I said it in the other thread - everyone wants to blame wives for changing without wanting to acknowledge that husbands change, too. I didn’t actually change all the much - if I wasn’t the kind of girl you could ignore all day then text at midnight for Netflix & Chill while we were dating, what makes you think I’ll turn into that after a decade plus of marriage?

OP here. I remember your post from the other thread. You make very valid points - especially about being less like a business partner. I can't speak for your DH obviously but for me, I think I've stopped doing a lot of that stuff because the chase has ended and I got the girl, so to speak. I am trying to change that in my marriage. GL with your marriage and hopefully in a few years, we'll be writing posts about how our marriages have changed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here

First off I trust her, I don’t check up on her spending or where she going etc.

I try to take as much of the scheduling off her plate as I can, Drs appointments, school stuff etc.

She loves having fresh flowers in the house so get flowers 2-3 times a week.

I do 90% or the grocery shopping.

Schedule /plan date night every Wednesday

Take notes or what she wants or needs and order/get for her

Every Saturday I get up early to go get her favorite breakfast

Give her a massage almost weekly

Take DS out for something fun just so she can have a little alone time

Research and pay attention to her needs to make sure sex is always great

OP here. This list is great and it sounds like your DW is very lucky. I am going to reread the Love Languages book and then come up with a list of things to do to fill her love tank based on what I think my DW would appreciate and begin the process of strengthening my relationship. Thank you for sharing your list with me. It's encouraging for me to hear how other guys do it and that it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here

First off I trust her, I don’t check up on her spending or where she going etc.

I try to take as much of the scheduling off her plate as I can, Drs appointments, school stuff etc.

She loves having fresh flowers in the house so get flowers 2-3 times a week.

I do 90% or the grocery shopping.

Schedule /plan date night every Wednesday

Take notes or what she wants or needs and order/get for her

Every Saturday I get up early to go get her favorite breakfast

Give her a massage almost weekly

Take DS out for something fun just so she can have a little alone time

Research and pay attention to her needs to make sure sex is always great

OP here. This list is great and it sounds like your DW is very lucky. I am going to reread the Love Languages book and then come up with a list of things to do to fill her love tank based on what I think my DW would appreciate and begin the process of strengthening my relationship. Thank you for sharing your list with me. It's encouraging for me to hear how other guys do it and that it works.

DP here but my two cents is that the Gottman books are more worthwhile than the love language book. Gottman is an actual researcher in the field, and you can get the idea of the love languages book basically just from the title. Plus it seems a tad superficial to me; it’s like find out my currency, pay me, and I’ll pay you in your currency. But of course both are really helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she digs you, no gesture is too small. If she does not, no gesture will suffice.

OP here. Agreed but you are talking about the "after" state. This is what happens when there is no investment in the relationship. I'm headed down this path and while I can't directly control how my DW feels about me, I can control what I do which will hopefully impact the way she feels about me.

As I read some of the posts, I see that kindness and thoughtfulness is a common theme when these small gestures are well received and I'm examining whether I can increase my level of thoughtfulness is all aspects of my life, which would obviously include my interactions with DW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she digs you, no gesture is too small. If she does not, no gesture will suffice.

OP here. Agreed but you are talking about the "after" state. This is what happens when there is no investment in the relationship. I'm headed down this path and while I can't directly control how my DW feels about me, I can control what I do which will hopefully impact the way she feels about me.

As I read some of the posts, I see that kindness and thoughtfulness is a common theme when these small gestures are well received and I'm examining whether I can increase my level of thoughtfulness is all aspects of my life, which would obviously include my interactions with DW.

Definitely do this. Improving yourself and how you treat others will make you happier about yourself regardless. Is she doing these things for you currently? If so, then I predict your efforts will be well received. If not, I'd anticipate that she won't notice or will think you're up to something manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she digs you, no gesture is too small. If she does not, no gesture will suffice.

OP here. Agreed but you are talking about the "after" state. This is what happens when there is no investment in the relationship. I'm headed down this path and while I can't directly control how my DW feels about me, I can control what I do which will hopefully impact the way she feels about me.

As I read some of the posts, I see that kindness and thoughtfulness is a common theme when these small gestures are well received and I'm examining whether I can increase my level of thoughtfulness is all aspects of my life, which would obviously include my interactions with DW.

Definitely do this. Improving yourself and how you treat others will make you happier about yourself regardless. Is she doing these things for you currently? If so, then I predict your efforts will be well received. If not, I'd anticipate that she won't notice or will think you're up to something manipulative.

She might think OP is up to something manipulative but if he keeps at it for a long time that will probably assuage any suspicions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the posts on the sex frequency of people of 30+ year olds thread got me thinking. It was, if a woman doesn't feel loved, their desire for sex drops to very low or non-existent. There was another post that said that men "woo" their wives before marriage (dates, flowers, etc) and enjoy a high frequency of sex. And that after marriage, the "wooing" stops and sex frequency plummets.

I am beginning to understand that many times a low frequency DW is due to other reasons (bored with one partner, hormones, etc) and that is out of my contro as a DHl. But I would like to step up my post marriage "woo" game to make my DW feel appreciated and loved since that is within my control. I feel like after so many years of marriage, I haven't cultivated that thoughtfulness and love that I did when we were dating and if I'm honest with myself, it is more centered around doing the dishes, grocery shopping, driving the kids around, etc, basically household or family things. I need to step up my game to show my wife that I value her and appreciate her.

If you are a DH, can you tell me what you do to make your DW feel loved?

If you are a DW, can you tell me what your DH does that makes you feel appreciated?

The results in the bedroom are going to be the results regardless and that's not my primary goal (but I am not going to turn down appreciation sex if that comes up) but I would like to do my best during these kid years so that there is some spark left after the kids fly the coop. I love my DW and know that she is tired and beat up in this season of life and I have to do better to help carry our relationship through this tough season.

i'm crying reading this. i wish you were my DH. i feel so unseen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a DW who commented in the other thread about how my DH used to take me on dates and buy flowers (and how that has fallen off and lo and behold, so has our sex life). Obviously it’s harder now that we’re juggling young kids and busy careers, but mostly I just want him to make some semblance of effort to treat me like he did when we were dating: like a desirable, interesting person and less like a business partner.

Like, if I arrange a sitter and make a dinner reservation he’s happy to go out and we have a good time, but he never initiates that himself (and if I have to ask him to, it defeats the purpose). And flowers/little gifts? Initiating a real conversation about something other than who is taking Larla to karate? Telling me I’m beautiful? Forget about it. Mostly I miss the effort/genuine interest.

I said it in the other thread - everyone wants to blame wives for changing without wanting to acknowledge that husbands change, too. I didn’t actually change all the much - if I wasn’t the kind of girl you could ignore all day then text at midnight for Netflix & Chill while we were dating, what makes you think I’ll turn into that after a decade plus of marriage?

100000000x this.

Dates, flowers, telling me my hair looks nice, that color top is pretty on you....anything.
I have arranged and planned for all of the dates I can last remember.
Initiation and planning by him, nonexistent.

I don't have any motivation to keep planning these attempts at connection and fun loving outings if no effort is reciprocated.
I'd rather take myself out on a date- nice lunch, bring a book to read, get a massage, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the posts on the sex frequency of people of 30+ year olds thread got me thinking. It was, if a woman doesn't feel loved, their desire for sex drops to very low or non-existent. There was another post that said that men "woo" their wives before marriage (dates, flowers, etc) and enjoy a high frequency of sex. And that after marriage, the "wooing" stops and sex frequency plummets.

I am beginning to understand that many times a low frequency DW is due to other reasons (bored with one partner, hormones, etc) and that is out of my contro as a DHl. But I would like to step up my post marriage "woo" game to make my DW feel appreciated and loved since that is within my control. I feel like after so many years of marriage, I haven't cultivated that thoughtfulness and love that I did when we were dating and if I'm honest with myself, it is more centered around doing the dishes, grocery shopping, driving the kids around, etc, basically household or family things. I need to step up my game to show my wife that I value her and appreciate her.

If you are a DH, can you tell me what you do to make your DW feel loved?

If you are a DW, can you tell me what your DH does that makes you feel appreciated?

The results in the bedroom are going to be the results regardless and that's not my primary goal (but I am not going to turn down appreciation sex if that comes up) but I would like to do my best during these kid years so that there is some spark left after the kids fly the coop. I love my DW and know that she is tired and beat up in this season of life and I have to do better to help carry our relationship through this tough season.

i'm crying reading this. i wish you were my DH. i feel so unseen.

You are seen. Just flip the narrative. You can only control what you can control. Start investing into the relationship with your DH.

[Anonymous]

My husband fills my car with gas. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve been to a gas station. It is a small gesture but it makes me feel cared for and loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the posts on the sex frequency of people of 30+ year olds thread got me thinking. It was, if a woman doesn't feel loved, their desire for sex drops to very low or non-existent. There was another post that said that men "woo" their wives before marriage (dates, flowers, etc) and enjoy a high frequency of sex. And that after marriage, the "wooing" stops and sex frequency plummets.

I am beginning to understand that many times a low frequency DW is due to other reasons (bored with one partner, hormones, etc) and that is out of my contro as a DHl. But I would like to step up my post marriage "woo" game to make my DW feel appreciated and loved since that is within my control. I feel like after so many years of marriage, I haven't cultivated that thoughtfulness and love that I did when we were dating and if I'm honest with myself, it is more centered around doing the dishes, grocery shopping, driving the kids around, etc, basically household or family things. I need to step up my game to show my wife that I value her and appreciate her.

If you are a DH, can you tell me what you do to make your DW feel loved?

If you are a DW, can you tell me what your DH does that makes you feel appreciated?

The results in the bedroom are going to be the results regardless and that's not my primary goal (but I am not going to turn down appreciation sex if that comes up) but I would like to do my best during these kid years so that there is some spark left after the kids fly the coop. I love my DW and know that she is tired and beat up in this season of life and I have to do better to help carry our relationship through this tough season.

i'm crying reading this. i wish you were my DH. i feel so unseen.

You are seen. Just flip the narrative. You can only control what you can control. Start investing into the relationship with your DH.

I have been. I'm the same pp who said I've planned executed coordinated all the last dates I can remember. DH has a good time, we usually have a good time, but nothing is reciprocated.
He used to be the most doting man. flowers, love notes, dates, etc
When i said to him straight up- Its your turn to plan the next date...he says yes i'm up next. Then nothing. He is checked out and admits it. And then wonders why we are not intimate..

How many times do I keep throwing time money effort at a dead fish? It's a one way street and I am over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here

First off I trust her, I don’t check up on her spending or where she going etc.

I try to take as much of the scheduling off her plate as I can, Drs appointments, school stuff etc.

She loves having fresh flowers in the house so get flowers 2-3 times a week.

I do 90% or the grocery shopping.

Schedule /plan date night every Wednesday

Take notes or what she wants or needs and order/get for her

Every Saturday I get up early to go get her favorite breakfast

Give her a massage almost weekly

Take DS out for something fun just so she can have a little alone time

Research and pay attention to her needs to make sure sex is always great

If you’re for real, you’re a g.d. unicorn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the posts on the sex frequency of people of 30+ year olds thread got me thinking. It was, if a woman doesn't feel loved, their desire for sex drops to very low or non-existent. There was another post that said that men "woo" their wives before marriage (dates, flowers, etc) and enjoy a high frequency of sex. And that after marriage, the "wooing" stops and sex frequency plummets.

I am beginning to understand that many times a low frequency DW is due to other reasons (bored with one partner, hormones, etc) and that is out of my contro as a DHl. But I would like to step up my post marriage "woo" game to make my DW feel appreciated and loved since that is within my control. I feel like after so many years of marriage, I haven't cultivated that thoughtfulness and love that I did when we were dating and if I'm honest with myself, it is more centered around doing the dishes, grocery shopping, driving the kids around, etc, basically household or family things. I need to step up my game to show my wife that I value her and appreciate her.

If you are a DH, can you tell me what you do to make your DW feel loved?

If you are a DW, can you tell me what your DH does that makes you feel appreciated?

The results in the bedroom are going to be the results regardless and that's not my primary goal (but I am not going to turn down appreciation sex if that comes up) but I would like to do my best during these kid years so that there is some spark left after the kids fly the coop. I love my DW and know that she is tired and beat up in this season of life and I have to do better to help carry our relationship through this tough season.

i'm crying reading this. i wish you were my DH. i feel so unseen.

You are seen. Just flip the narrative. You can only control what you can control. Start investing into the relationship with your DH.

You really don't know that.