Requesting thoughtful or loving gesture suggestions - spin off of 30+ thread

[Anonymous]

One of the posts on the sex frequency of people of 30+ year olds thread got me thinking. It was, if a woman doesn't feel loved, their desire for sex drops to very low or non-existent. There was another post that said that men "woo" their wives before marriage (dates, flowers, etc) and enjoy a high frequency of sex. And that after marriage, the "wooing" stops and sex frequency plummets.

I am beginning to understand that many times a low frequency DW is due to other reasons (bored with one partner, hormones, etc) and that is out of my contro as a DHl. But I would like to step up my post marriage "woo" game to make my DW feel appreciated and loved since that is within my control. I feel like after so many years of marriage, I haven't cultivated that thoughtfulness and love that I did when we were dating and if I'm honest with myself, it is more centered around doing the dishes, grocery shopping, driving the kids around, etc, basically household or family things. I need to step up my game to show my wife that I value her and appreciate her.

If you are a DH, can you tell me what you do to make your DW feel loved?

If you are a DW, can you tell me what your DH does that makes you feel appreciated?

The results in the bedroom are going to be the results regardless and that's not my primary goal (but I am not going to turn down appreciation sex if that comes up) but I would like to do my best during these kid years so that there is some spark left after the kids fly the coop. I love my DW and know that she is tired and beat up in this season of life and I have to do better to help carry our relationship through this tough season.

[Anonymous]

Have you read the 5 Love Languages book? Everyone has their own language and you have to find out what your wife's is. You buying her expensive jewelry will backfire if she wants Quality Time or vice versa.

My love language is Acts of Service. And yeah, choreplay really shows me that he care. Nothing else makes me feel as respected and loved as when he does things for me.

[Anonymous]

I'm a DW who made some of those comments and I love this post. It makes me think of ways that I should step up my game too. Although I don't think that appreciated = loved?

Anyways, DH makes me feel appreciated when he says thank you for things that I don't feel like even deserve a thank you, like playing with the kids or making him a sandwich along with my own if I know he's going to be hungry.

He makes me feel loved when he says things like "wait stay, I want to talk" and then just chats about his day. When I walk into the room and he looks happy to see me. When he plays with my hair as we sit together and watch a show. When, after I'm interrupted by a kid in the middle of telling him something, he later returns and asks me what I was going to say. When he sympathizes with my frustrations, even when we both know I shouldn't really be frustrated. When we argue and I can tell he is really frustrated but is trying his hardest to get where I'm coming from. When he listens to all my frustrations and then gives good advice if I need it. I also feel really loved when he leans on me for emotional support; I really admire him and the fact that he would go to me for advice means a lot.

I would feel more loved if we cuddled more, but I have asked him and he forgets, which he feels bad about. So I have just taken it upon myself to scooch over to his side of the bed at night and cuddle as he checks work emails. No, it's not romantic, but it works.

[Anonymous]

He is my biggest fan and supporter and my adult children and friends know it. He lets me be me and he’s never wanted me to be anything but what I am. He’s not a hand holder but he is always very sweet with me and he has a way of looking and smiling at me that says everything to me. I definitely know he appreciates me, though he could do more around the house! And I really appreciate that he stills desires me as a woman even if I am a grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW who made some of those comments and I love this post. It makes me think of ways that I should step up my game too. Although I don't think that appreciated = loved?

Anyways, DH makes me feel appreciated when he says thank you for things that I don't feel like even deserve a thank you, like playing with the kids or making him a sandwich along with my own if I know he's going to be hungry.

He makes me feel loved when he says things like "wait stay, I want to talk" and then just chats about his day. When I walk into the room and he looks happy to see me. When he plays with my hair as we sit together and watch a show. When, after I'm interrupted by a kid in the middle of telling him something, he later returns and asks me what I was going to say. When he sympathizes with my frustrations, even when we both know I shouldn't really be frustrated. When we argue and I can tell he is really frustrated but is trying his hardest to get where I'm coming from. When he listens to all my frustrations and then gives good advice if I need it. I also feel really loved when he leans on me for emotional support; I really admire him and the fact that he would go to me for advice means a lot.

I would feel more loved if we cuddled more, but I have asked him and he forgets, which he feels bad about. So I have just taken it upon myself to scooch over to his side of the bed at night and cuddle as he checks work emails. No, it's not romantic, but it works.

This is OP. Thank you for these examples. These are extremely helpful to a knuckle head like me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you read the 5 Love Languages book? Everyone has their own language and you have to find out what your wife's is. You buying her expensive jewelry will backfire if she wants Quality Time or vice versa.

My love language is Acts of Service. And yeah, choreplay really shows me that he care. Nothing else makes me feel as respected and loved as when he does things for me.

Op here. Thank you for the reminder of this book. I have a copy from when we were dating that I need to dig up or buy a new copy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW who made some of those comments and I love this post. It makes me think of ways that I should step up my game too. Although I don't think that appreciated = loved?

Anyways, DH makes me feel appreciated when he says thank you for things that I don't feel like even deserve a thank you, like playing with the kids or making him a sandwich along with my own if I know he's going to be hungry.

He makes me feel loved when he says things like "wait stay, I want to talk" and then just chats about his day. When I walk into the room and he looks happy to see me. When he plays with my hair as we sit together and watch a show. When, after I'm interrupted by a kid in the middle of telling him something, he later returns and asks me what I was going to say. When he sympathizes with my frustrations, even when we both know I shouldn't really be frustrated. When we argue and I can tell he is really frustrated but is trying his hardest to get where I'm coming from. When he listens to all my frustrations and then gives good advice if I need it. I also feel really loved when he leans on me for emotional support; I really admire him and the fact that he would go to me for advice means a lot.

I would feel more loved if we cuddled more, but I have asked him and he forgets, which he feels bad about. So I have just taken it upon myself to scooch over to his side of the bed at night and cuddle as he checks work emails. No, it's not romantic, but it works.

another DW here, and think this PP summed it up great (for my love languages at least). Especially the distinction being feeling appreciated vs loved.

[Anonymous]

He was fiercely supportive of me starting my own business. He would brag about me to anyone who would listen. He would make me coffee every morning, and he always said everything I made was the best meal he ever had. He was always more than ready to do dad duties, and he's probably a better dad than I am a mom. We're divorced now, but those are the reasons I loved him.

[Anonymous]

I think there is some reversed cause and effect sometimes though. If your wife is attracted to you, she'll regard all kinds of acts and gestures as "wooing." If she is not attracted to you, the same acts and gestures will often be disregarded, ignored, or taken for granted.

[Anonymous]

I’m a DW who commented in the other thread about how my DH used to take me on dates and buy flowers (and how that has fallen off and lo and behold, so has our sex life). Obviously it’s harder now that we’re juggling young kids and busy careers, but mostly I just want him to make some semblance of effort to treat me like he did when we were dating: like a desirable, interesting person and less like a business partner.

Like, if I arrange a sitter and make a dinner reservation he’s happy to go out and we have a good time, but he never initiates that himself (and if I have to ask him to, it defeats the purpose). And flowers/little gifts? Initiating a real conversation about something other than who is taking Larla to karate? Telling me I’m beautiful? Forget about it. Mostly I miss the effort/genuine interest.

I said it in the other thread - everyone wants to blame wives for changing without wanting to acknowledge that husbands change, too. I didn’t actually change all the much - if I wasn’t the kind of girl you could ignore all day then text at midnight for Netflix & Chill while we were dating, what makes you think I’ll turn into that after a decade plus of marriage?

[Anonymous]

Gottman’s Seven Principles hits the nail on the head for what I need to want sex. Love maps, turning towards, and creating shared meaning were all really important for me.

One moment that sticks out is when I was having a stressful/anxious day, my H brought me over to the couch, held me and stroked my hair while I cried about everything. What was great is I didn’t have to ask him for it, he anticipated what I needed. He’s gotten very good at that, when I’m upset he can tell exactly what I need before I have to ask for it. We usually have very good sex afterwards

“Wooing” as in dates or flowers don’t really do much for me. I need something that feels specific to *me*, not something generic that he’d get for any woman. I need to feel special.

[Anonymous]

When he runs to the grocery he picks up things that weren't on the list but knows I love. He kisses me on the head. We hold hands. He does the dishes even when I say I can do them. When he sees my glass is empty, he asks if I would like more.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't rush me when I'm getting ready or doing my night routine, just says, "Take all the time you need."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was fiercely supportive of me starting my own business. He would brag about me to anyone who would listen. He would make me coffee every morning, and he always said everything I made was the best meal he ever had. He was always more than ready to do dad duties, and he's probably a better dad than I am a mom. We're divorced now, but those are the reasons I loved him.

Sounds like a nice relationship. Why are you divorced?

[Anonymous]

DH here

First off I trust her, I don’t check up on her spending or where she going etc.

I try to take as much of the scheduling off her plate as I can, Drs appointments, school stuff etc.

She loves having fresh flowers in the house so get flowers 2-3 times a week.

I do 90% or the grocery shopping.

Schedule /plan date night every Wednesday

Take notes or what she wants or needs and order/get for her

Every Saturday I get up early to go get her favorite breakfast

Give her a massage almost weekly

Take DS out for something fun just so she can have a little alone time

Research and pay attention to her needs to make sure sex is always great