WWYD? or what should I do? Boyfriend crying

[Anonymous]

Op here. I do like him a lot, maybe even starting to love him. I hope he doesn't feel embarrassed about crying in front of me! I don't have a problem with the crying at all. It just came on so suddenly. The topic of his wife has come up before and he's never cried, so I was surprised. I'm more just concerned and wanted to make sure he was ok. I can understand if he needs some space. But i do want to continue seeing him, if that's what he wants.

And someone asked, his wife passed 3 years ago.

[Anonymous]

You sound so sweet and caring OP. He is lucky to have you. I hope you both can find happiness in each other. I would imagine it is triggering for him to fall in love again with you, almost feeling disloyal to her. It’s a lot and I wish you peace and joy.

[Anonymous]

Give him space. Let him reach out first. Agree that he is grieving, there’s nothing you could’ve done differently. However, if you don’t give him space right now (which he’s signaling to you that he needs) that could be a mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give him space. Let him reach out first. Agree that he is grieving, there’s nothing you could’ve done differently. However, if you don’t give him space right now (which he’s signaling to you that he needs) that could be a mistake.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be prepared to move on.

Sounds like he hasn’t processed his baggage or seen a therapist to talk w someone else on it.

[Anonymous]

He may not be ready to have a relationship. Or if you are his first gf since his wife died he probably has a lot of conflicting feelings. Maybe yesterday was an anniversary? Who knows
I'd give him some space, but if you like him and want to see him again send him a text maybe Wednesday asking about weekend plans. Don't bring up the crying unless he does!

[Anonymous]

Know that he may always cry about his late wife, that isn’t a reflection on how he feels about you.

Don’t worry about triggering anything, we’ve all lost people and pets, and part of that process is knowing how to live in a world where people talk about their dogs, their dogs, ttheir spouses, their parents and sometimes even their children.

I’d be more concerned with him canceling a date with you. You are a girlfriend, so you kind of just have to go home and… sit.. and wait for him to reach out. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who treated me that way.
It’s fine to cry about a beloved person who is no longer in our lives. It’s fine to talk about a person who has passed on. It’s fine to say to your girlfriend “If I’m quieter then normal, I’m not mad at you”.

Canceling plans is not fine.. nobody is forcing him to date, nobody is forcing him to date you, this isn’t middle school where you are forced to work in a group to do a project.

The older I get, the more I realize how I want to be treated. There is no reason why he couldn’t have watched the movie with you, or said “I’d like to go outside and enjoy the day” or even “I need to be alone, go enjoy yourself, I’ll talk to you this evening” and then actually did that. He shouldn’t make you feel that there is a topic you can’t discuss and you have to literally wait around for him to get back to you. He isn’t a boss telling you if you can go home, don’t treat him like one.

Sending you home and expecting you to just sit and wait wouldn’t be something I’d put up with.
Like it or not, grief doesn’t give him a pass to treat a woman who is coming to love him poorly. As the girlfriend, you have no authority to say “I think you/we need to see a grief counselor”. You’re expected to accomidate him. Find out what you are willing to put up taking his loss out of it and go from there.

Canceling plans with a romantic partner on a beautiful Sunday would trigger me to say “I think you need to talk to someone”. That’s the only triggering you need to worry about here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Know that he may always cry about his late wife, that isn’t a reflection on how he feels about you.

Don’t worry about triggering anything, we’ve all lost people and pets, and part of that process is knowing how to live in a world where people talk about their dogs, their dogs, ttheir spouses, their parents and sometimes even their children.

I’d be more concerned with him canceling a date with you. You are a girlfriend, so you kind of just have to go home and… sit.. and wait for him to reach out. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who treated me that way.
It’s fine to cry about a beloved person who is no longer in our lives. It’s fine to talk about a person who has passed on. It’s fine to say to your girlfriend “If I’m quieter then normal, I’m not mad at you”.

Canceling plans is not fine.. nobody is forcing him to date, nobody is forcing him to date you, this isn’t middle school where you are forced to work in a group to do a project.

The older I get, the more I realize how I want to be treated. There is no reason why he couldn’t have watched the movie with you, or said “I’d like to go outside and enjoy the day” or even “I need to be alone, go enjoy yourself, I’ll talk to you this evening” and then actually did that. He shouldn’t make you feel that there is a topic you can’t discuss and you have to literally wait around for him to get back to you. He isn’t a boss telling you if you can go home, don’t treat him like one.

Sending you home and expecting you to just sit and wait wouldn’t be something I’d put up with.
Like it or not, grief doesn’t give him a pass to treat a woman who is coming to love him poorly. As the girlfriend, you have no authority to say “I think you/we need to see a grief counselor”. You’re expected to accomidate him. Find out what you are willing to put up taking his loss out of it and go from there.

Canceling plans with a romantic partner on a beautiful Sunday would trigger me to say “I think you need to talk to someone”. That’s the only triggering you need to worry about here.

Holy crap! You need to relax. I agree with you there are better ways he could have communicated his needs with op, this sounds like this is a one off not a pattern. People aren't perfect sometimes we get overwhelmed with emotions and aren't our best selves don't always say exactly what we should. I would hope someone I'm seeing would give my enough grace to be flawed sometimes.
I think op should give him another chance this is an opportunity to grow closer. Unlike some I think she should ask if anything in particular brought on the tears. Was it an anniversary? Then op can know in the future he might be extra sensitive around the date. She can also let him know that if he's ever not feeling up to it he can be honest with her he doesn't have to hide..

[Anonymous]

Cancelling plans is fine and normal in this situation. It is a reflection of him realizing that he is in an emotional space and needs to sit in it right now. It is not negative treatment of you. Just give him time. I agree with the PP that said don’t reach out again until Wed if you don’t hear from him.

[Anonymous]

I do think that after a day or two goes by, he should respond to OP’s text, even if it’s to explain that he needs some space; that’s basic kindness and consideration, especially when it’s clear that OP cares deeply for him. If he doesn’t reach out, I don’t fault him and understand that’s he’s grieving, but it is a sign that perhaps he’s not ready to date and OP shouldn’t put herself in a situation where her investment in the relationship can’t be reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

Have you heard from him yet, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cancelling plans is fine and normal in this situation. It is a reflection of him realizing that he is in an emotional space and needs to sit in it right now. It is not negative treatment of you. Just give him time. I agree with the PP that said don’t reach out again until Wed if you don’t hear from him.

+1 I think it would be foolish for op to have a tantrum over the canceled plans and issuing ultimatums. There's positives here he and op are enjoying a shared interest they are able to discuss a difficult subject. He was able to be vulnerable with op and she was supportive. He also apologized for needing to change plans.
It's a good thing op has more empathy than some of these posters. Having empathy doesn't make her a doormat. In a few days she can reach out if she hasn't heard from him. If he continues to not respond that's a different issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound so sweet and caring OP. He is lucky to have you. I hope you both can find happiness in each other. I would imagine it is triggering for him to fall in love again with you, almost feeling disloyal to her. It’s a lot and I wish you peace and joy.

+1 and I hope you keep us posted!

[Anonymous]

Op here. He actually called me tonight and apologized for yesterday, leaving abruptly and canceling the rest of our date, and for not responding to my text. He just needed some time to clear his head. His wife's birthday was on Saturday. He wasn't sure how to tell me about that. It seems he was just overcome with a lot of emotions at once. He does want to keep seeing me, and I'd like to keep seeing him so we'll see where this goes. Thank you to everyone who took the time to give me some feedback.

[Anonymous]

Good news.

Take care of yourself. But be guarded, because he is not over his ex. If in a few months he is not the one, then he isn't. Men are like street cars, if you miss one, you catch the next.