Is yelling ever normal/acceptable?

[Anonymous]

My DH yells when very frustrated, and he yells directly at me and the kids. It’s an awful habit that he learned directly from his dad. They are both otherwise excellent human beings (truly). DH and I support each other in every area but this. I have made very clear to him that it is completely unacceptable and that his mom f’d up in not putting a stop to this (FIL yelled at DH and his sister, but never at MIL or their younger DS, the golden child). I have told him I will intercede on the kids’ behalf when he does this, and I ignore him and leave the room when he does it with me, even though these things enrage him. One of my sons has a titanic temper, and we have had scores of conversations about how to deal with anger appropriately, in a manner unlike his dad and grandfather. He gets that it’s not OK to lash out at his family no matter how angry he is. If DH just yelled generally, not at people like the OPs DH, I would find it annoying and ridiculous, but that’s a completely different and more innocuous situation.

Parents should work on teaching kids appropriate ways to deal with frustration. It’s disappointing (to put it extraordinarily mildly) when people feel like it’s just fine to dump their negative emotions on others.

[Anonymous]

I yell. Not all the time. It is normal. Never yelling is abnormal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am extraordinarily difficult to anger - I will get upset sometimes but I never raise my voice and don’t have a temper. DH tends to yell and get really mad when something frustrates him. As an example, we’ve been frequently losing internet lately and whenever this happens he will curse and yell. Is this normal? It’s not directed at me so I’m not afraid, but it’s unpleasant. Am I just weird and lacking in emotions or is this an emotional regulation issue?

Np here. I think that sometimes people meltdown out of frustration, and that’s okay. We are human. But constant yelling at every little frustration is a problem. He doesn’t yell directly at you now, but eventually he will. You will be better off addressing this issue now by telling him you don’t want to live in a house with constant yelling. Tell him he has to find other ways of dealing with frustration because this isn’t going to work. Don’t put it in explicit terms of an ultimatum, but make it clear you won’t deal with this long term. do it now before that day when he does yell and curse at you, because once that seal is broken, it’s a lot harder to change those behaviors.

And it is an emotion regulation issue, like a kid throwing a tantrum. I think that in general boys aren’t reprimanded as much as girls when they throw tantrums as children. The result is that more adult men think it’s okay to yell and curse and behave that way when they are frustrated. Society excuses that behavior in men. Address this now. It might save your marriage long term.

And he will eventually yell and curse at you. Get him to tackle the issue now before that happens.

[Anonymous]

It's not just whether or not he yells, it is whether he thinks he is "justified" in yelling.

I have yelling outbursts maybe twice a year and apologize when I cool down because I recognize that it is wrong and unhelpful, bad for the kids, bad for the relationship, disrespectful, etc.

If he think that it's OK to yell, that it is just his way of communication, then that is not so good.

[Anonymous]

You should have a temper, OP. You aren’t a Victorian housewife. You are supposed to get angry when someone blocks you from achieving an important goal or threatens you or a family member. And you are supposed to have important goals. There are things in life that should matter to you very much.
If you have children, and you are never angry with them, then they will either learn that it’s never okay to get angry, or you will be like pp and explode twice a year over mismatched socks, and your kids will learn that they have no control over what might make someone angry. Both are seriously detrimental to adult relationships.

I have no idea whether what your spouse is doing is problematic or not. But if it makes you feel unsafe, it’s okay to get angry at him over it.

[Anonymous]

No it’s not okay to yell at anybody.

I do yell, rarely like Go out side my house or yell on my balcony to let out anger. Or drive in my car and yell when I m alone. But not to anybody especially my family. They are not punching sand bag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No it’s not okay to yell at anybody.

I do yell, rarely like Go out side my house or yell on my balcony to let out anger. Or drive in my car and yell when I m alone. But not to anybody especially my family. They are not punching sand bag.

Getting angry or yelling at someone does not make them your punching sand bag.
Yes. Yelling at your family because you are frustrated with work is unacceptable and treating your family like punching bags. However, getting angry and even yelling at your spouse because they spent a lot of money you don’t have or put your child in physical danger is perfectly normal, and it is not treating anyone like a punching bag. In fact, I would say that letting your spouse off the hook and releasing your anger into the car is you letting yourself be treated like a punching bag.
If you are angry about something, then you *should* get angry and even yell (depending on the exact situation) at the person who is responsible for whatever upset you.

Good for you, OP, to have husband who is going to stand up for your family if someone tries to take advantage of you. It sounds like you are too meek and mild to do it yourself. I’m glad you found this man.
If it bothers you when he is angry at someone, then go for a walk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No it’s not acceptable. What kind of trashy family were you raised in?

You were raised by trash. Normal people don’t use that adjective, but garbage like you, your mom, and dad, do.