Anyone else think their raging, angry DH might be on the spectrum? How do you cope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah - I could have written this. My husband worsened as he got older. I’d listen to him speaking with others on the phone - so kind, charming, warm - nothing at all how he spoke to me in private. Was like had two sides. I thought was Asperger’s - self absorbed, no empathy, has to know everything and always be right. I’m genuinely sorry you are caught in the middle, as have a young child. Asperger’s don’t/can’t change. I’d look at paths to a separation, heading toward divorce. Maybe living separately for awhile will give you both some breathing room and you’ll be able to make decisions in your own best interest.

On Ho. I have a husband like that.really hard and it’s getting worse. Thinks he is better than everyone. Uses people. Treats others like crazy less they can help him

pro tip: social skills deficits in autism are in all domains, and “being a jerk” is not one of the criteria. it’s not autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH isn’t ADHD. He’s BPD or even NPD (treating you like an object, wtf). The explosive rage is classics BPD. Criticism and splitting etc.

Your DS may have genetic factors for ADHD, but his BPD rage is learned at his father knee.

Definitely divorce and re-marry better to provide better role model stat.

Hopefully he’s wealthy enough a divorce won’t be a huge hiccup. I’m guessing you didn’t date long before marriage and he love bombed you up to “I do”?

No he has ADHD. Explosive rage IS a symptom of ADHD. it stems from lack of impulse control and feelings of failure. It’s a classic symptom.

Medication for her DH is the answer.

BPD is rare, ADHD is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I read posts like this, I think to myself that the person on the receiving end does not need to live with this. To the OP, I implore you to seek out alternatives. Theee are better men out there. Trust me. You deserve better.

And you don’t even need a man to make a good life for yourself.

You need therapy.

Your child and you both sound damaged from living as you have. Seek counseling to find a way to improve your situation. You DO NOT have to live this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah - I could have written this. My husband worsened as he got older. I’d listen to him speaking with others on the phone - so kind, charming, warm - nothing at all how he spoke to me in private. Was like had two sides. I thought was Asperger’s - self absorbed, no empathy, has to know everything and always be right. I’m genuinely sorry you are caught in the middle, as have a young child. Asperger’s don’t/can’t change. I’d look at paths to a separation, heading toward divorce. Maybe living separately for awhile will give you both some breathing room and you’ll be able to make decisions in your own best interest.

This is totally narcissistic personality disorde.r Asperger's and ADHD do not present with only one person. This man is making a deliberate choice to mistreat you to make himself feel more powerful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah - I could have written this. My husband worsened as he got older. I’d listen to him speaking with others on the phone - so kind, charming, warm - nothing at all how he spoke to me in private. Was like had two sides. I thought was Asperger’s - self absorbed, no empathy, has to know everything and always be right. I’m genuinely sorry you are caught in the middle, as have a young child. Asperger’s don’t/can’t change. I’d look at paths to a separation, heading toward divorce. Maybe living separately for awhile will give you both some breathing room and you’ll be able to make decisions in your own best interest.

Yup. I’m the one who emotes though. My husband stays really pleasant on the surface then the mask drops and the real demon comes out. Last night it was about my parents literally in the process of dying cross country, and then finding out my aunt probably has cancer. Sympathetic on the surface till I got noticeably weepy and told him that’s why I didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with our adult child’s pronoun issues with me right now. He got real dark and made it clear that my priority was the pronouns and not the impending loss of my folks, who I haven’t seen now for two years. I’m afraid to go because he will file for desertion if I go out there. No one sees this in him because he hides it well.

[Anonymous]

My guess would be NPD or close to it. Sounds like Jekyll and Hyde.

[Anonymous]

Are you the only one he treats this way? Does it continue to work colleagues, friends and family? If it’s only with you, maybe he is simply an a$$?

[Anonymous]

Mine was like that for couple years, then he started an affair and it's gotten even worse. He is super nice to co-workers, friends, but the aggression and anger he now shows during the divorce is devastating. Disconnects accounts, rips off son's computer cables, threatens to my relatives - you continue the list!

I only regret staying with him longer "for the son". I should have found a better job and left, like, 10 years ago.

RUN!

[Anonymous]

Divorce. His mental problems are not yours to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah - I could have written this. My husband worsened as he got older. I’d listen to him speaking with others on the phone - so kind, charming, warm - nothing at all how he spoke to me in private. Was like had two sides. I thought was Asperger’s - self absorbed, no empathy, has to know everything and always be right. I’m genuinely sorry you are caught in the middle, as have a young child. Asperger’s don’t/can’t change. I’d look at paths to a separation, heading toward divorce. Maybe living separately for awhile will give you both some breathing room and you’ll be able to make decisions in your own best interest.

Yup. I’m the one who emotes though. My husband stays really pleasant on the surface then the mask drops and the real demon comes out. Last night it was about my parents literally in the process of dying cross country, and then finding out my aunt probably has cancer. Sympathetic on the surface till I got noticeably weepy and told him that’s why I didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with our adult child’s pronoun issues with me right now. He got real dark and made it clear that my priority was the pronouns and not the impending loss of my folks, who I haven’t seen now for two years. I’m afraid to go because he will file for desertion if I go out there. No one sees this in him because he hides it well.

DP and former family law attorney here. In order to file for divorce with desertion as grounds, you have to be gone *uninterrupted* for 12 months. Going to see your folks who are dying does. not. count. If he is telling you this, he is being nothing but emotionally abusive. And that's on top of everything else. This is not ADHD. This is not autism or "on the spectrum". Your husband is abusing you. GET OUT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH isn’t ADHD. He’s BPD or even NPD (treating you like an object, wtf). The explosive rage is classics BPD. Criticism and splitting etc.

Your DS may have genetic factors for ADHD, but his BPD rage is learned at his father knee.

Definitely divorce and re-marry better to provide better role model stat.

Hopefully he’s wealthy enough a divorce won’t be a huge hiccup. I’m guessing you didn’t date long before marriage and he love bombed you up to “I do”?

No he has ADHD. Explosive rage IS a symptom of ADHD. it stems from lack of impulse control and feelings of failure. It’s a classic symptom.

Medication for her DH is the answer.

BPD is rare, ADHD is not.

My ADHD husband was 1000x worse on adderall. He was more productive but wat more hair trigger raging, controlling, and anxious. Stimulants make everything worse for us but he loves how they make him feel. Medications are not always “the answer”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH isn’t ADHD. He’s BPD or even NPD (treating you like an object, wtf). The explosive rage is classics BPD. Criticism and splitting etc.

Your DS may have genetic factors for ADHD, but his BPD rage is learned at his father knee.

Definitely divorce and re-marry better to provide better role model stat.

Hopefully he’s wealthy enough a divorce won’t be a huge hiccup. I’m guessing you didn’t date long before marriage and he love bombed you up to “I do”?

What's BPD? Can you describe?

Borderline Personality Disorder. Read Walking on Egg Shells

My spouse is ASD and Bipolar (the rages). I disassociate from him, so everything and once the kids were in school fulltime upgraded jobs. Work and my kids save my sanity. My spouse is a deadweight and usually has a temper tantrum about what little he is asked to do and forgets to do for the family. Once the kids were each in grade 2 they saw completely through him. I may still divorce since the bad days are truly a nightmare when he rages.

Kathy Marshack group online is helpful for NTs living with ASD spouses.

[Anonymous]

All of OPs posts sound like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) to me, which some other posters have mentioned.

My dad had it, and while I was the light of his life, there was a reason he had multiple wives. My stepmom bore the brunt of it, I later realized.

So sorry, OP. It’s very unlikely someone with BPD can/will get help.

[Anonymous]

Op, all of this resonates with me. My DH was diagnosed with ADHD, mild bipolar (hypomania) and as being on the spectrum after years of this trauma and immense difficulty. He refuses to be involved in our household, and rages at me if I ask him to be involved beyond some very minor and haphazard things. I have lost friends from not leaving him yet. But I don't have close family and am really struggling to cope as is, how would I be able to be a single parent on top of all of this? I would not be able to get sole custody, so I am afraid the mistreatment would only get worse.

Anyway, it sucks, and I only wish I knew people like you in real life so that we had each other. It would be good to know people who understood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH isn’t ADHD. He’s BPD or even NPD (treating you like an object, wtf). The explosive rage is classics BPD. Criticism and splitting etc.

Your DS may have genetic factors for ADHD, but his BPD rage is learned at his father knee.

Definitely divorce and re-marry better to provide better role model stat.

Hopefully he’s wealthy enough a divorce won’t be a huge hiccup. I’m guessing you didn’t date long before marriage and he love bombed you up to “I do”?

What's BPD? Can you describe?

Borderline Personality Disorder. Read Walking on Egg Shells

My spouse is ASD and Bipolar (the rages). I disassociate from him, so everything and once the kids were in school fulltime upgraded jobs. Work and my kids save my sanity. My spouse is a deadweight and usually has a temper tantrum about what little he is asked to do and forgets to do for the family. Once the kids were each in grade 2 they saw completely through him. I may still divorce since the bad days are truly a nightmare when he rages.

Kathy Marshack group online is helpful for NTs living with ASD spouses.

Yes! Also AANE. High recommend. I like them way more than Kathy's set up which is pretty random and hard to track.