Anyone else think their raging, angry DH might be on the spectrum? How do you cope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just once, can we get an ‘I think my partner has ASD’ thread without it being that the partner is an awful person.
ASD is genetic. If your spouse has it- your kids have it. And it’s awesome they’ll get to see you associating ASD with awful/demeaning.
Sigh
ASD doesn’t make people awful. Your spouse might be awful AND have ASD.

I disagree that ASD is genetic. It has a genetic component, but it's a physical illness that can be treated. In some cases, no, it will not improve, but in other cases, biomedical interventions can result in a rapid improvement or even a cure.

I agree that OPs spouse is BPD or NPD, not ASD.

Read Walking on Eggshells. Your DH may not have all the traits, but he has some. It's a helpful book.

Yes, think about leaving. You do not have to put up with a spouse whose behavior makes you want to end your life.

Narcissists do this to you. The only cure for you is to get away from them.

A close friend was married to a narcissist. It was pure perfection at first, but deteriorated during the first year of marriage. By the third year of marriage, it was total Hell, and she finally had the courage to leave. No kids, fortunately, but she has scars. Her ex just went on with his life. He has no remorse, no empathy, no actual feelings. Narcissists care only about themselves and no one else.

[Anonymous]

+1 to the above.

Asd if you learn good habits and communication patterns when young works ok. You learned POsItIvE coping mechanisms.

Untreated ASD often means you made up your own coping mechanisms to deal with your (executive functioning) deficiencies and these can be very NEGATiVE. Lying, gaslighting, yelling, defensiveness. Those eventually turn into bipolar (also on the spectrum) or presenting like a narcissist.

The worst are the ones who’s parents never told them they were asd but that that are the best in the room, at achool and then also made up handy excuses for every deficient and failure (kicked off team, not graduating on time, fired again, dumped again). Instead of getting their child or adult child professional help they enabled them by making excuses and blaming others. It’s sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH isn’t ADHD. He’s BPD or even NPD (treating you like an object, wtf). The explosive rage is classics BPD. Criticism and splitting etc.

Your DS may have genetic factors for ADHD, but his BPD rage is learned at his father knee.

Definitely divorce and re-marry better to provide better role model stat.

Hopefully he’s wealthy enough a divorce won’t be a huge hiccup. I’m guessing you didn’t date long before marriage and he love bombed you up to “I do”?

No he has ADHD. Explosive rage IS a symptom of ADHD. it stems from lack of impulse control and feelings of failure. It’s a classic symptom.

Medication for her DH is the answer.

BPD is rare, ADHD is not.

My ADHD husband was 1000x worse on adderall. He was more productive but wat more hair trigger raging, controlling, and anxious. Stimulants make everything worse for us but he loves how they make him feel. Medications are not always “the answer”

Adder all and stimulant medications are not the only choices. I have a kid in NON-stimulate medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH isn’t ADHD. He’s BPD or even NPD (treating you like an object, wtf). The explosive rage is classics BPD. Criticism and splitting etc.

Your DS may have genetic factors for ADHD, but his BPD rage is learned at his father knee.

Definitely divorce and re-marry better to provide better role model stat.

Hopefully he’s wealthy enough a divorce won’t be a huge hiccup. I’m guessing you didn’t date long before marriage and he love bombed you up to “I do”?

No he has ADHD. Explosive rage IS a symptom of ADHD. it stems from lack of impulse control and feelings of failure. It’s a classic symptom.

Medication for her DH is the answer.

BPD is rare, ADHD is not.

This sounds nothing like adhd. And explosive rage is not particularly associated with adhd (impulsivity can be there which means outbursts can happen, but it’s not remotely universal and in any case adhd losing one’s cool doesn’t look like a 3 day rage bender. Stay in your lane.

[Anonymous]

So much misinformation here!!

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read the whole thread but honestly, the people I know with ASD are very gentle. They are anxious, and awkward, and can seem rude or abrupt at times, but it’s not usually intentional. And they are really unable to “mask” the way PPs describe. I think these awful husbands are NPD or there are other co-morbid things going on.

[Anonymous]

Also. It’s always there. A person with ASD can’t “mask” for the duration of dating/early marriage the way people with NPD can. Women are better at masking/blending than men, though.

I do believe that rage can develop with the stress of having kids, life hardship, etc. But not in the cold and calculated way that you see with BPD. I do think it would be very challenging to be married to someone with ASD.

[Anonymous]

With *NPD^

[Anonymous]

PP here and OP, whatever the cause of your DH’s behavior, it sound truly horrific. It’s like living in a war zone day and night, indefinitely, and I loathe him for abusing you like that, and getting away with it. Please leave him, for your own survival and the well-being of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP might not be reading this, because the thread was from 2021!

Looks like someone revived a whole bunch of ASD/Asperger's threads from way back yesterday.