ADHD husband struggles to tend to a child while doing housework

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I get what you’re saying and want to validate you even though I don’t have advice. My DH is like this. Even if my kids were sitting 100% still and not making a sound, knowing that he is both responsible for the kids AND making breakfast makes my DH a snarly, grouchy mess. His brain can do one task at a time, medicated or not. That’s it. Anything else short-circuits him and he’s basically an angry cartoon robot with smoke coming out of his ears.

My DH is medicated and I do a lot to support his deficits, but when you are alone remind yourself that “deficit” is part of the definition of ADHD. You’re not crazy- you’re trying to coparent worth someone who’s “co-“ will always be less than yours. It’s tough.

THIS. 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m NT and couldn’t do housework and care for small children at the same time. At least not well.

+1

Maybe I can't do this because I have twins? Getting them involved in things like folding the laundry always results in a fight over who owns the dinosaur socks or something, and then someone's hair gets pulled, and then they're both crying, and...

Props to you, OP, for being able to do this, but my NT self can't, and wouldn't expect anyone else to be able to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m NT and couldn’t do housework and care for small children at the same time. At least not well.

+1

We have a system for unloading the dishwasher while our son plays on a nearby blanket, but beyond that, I'm either doing childcare or doing housework. Can't do both.

Oh, and I'm a woman with one very chill toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What goes wrong? I don’t really get why this is related to adhd.

NP. I have ADHD as a woman. It’s the multitasking element. It’s nearly impossible for me to cook dinner AND watch the kids. It would make our lives so, so, so much easier. When I have attempted in the past, I either allow the kids to get into trouble or ruin dinner. Every time.

[Anonymous]

So many of you are reinforcing terrible gender stereotypes in your own home. "I'm just naturally better at multi-tasking." No. You are better at multi-tasking because as a woman this has always been required of you, so you are well practiced.

The poster with the DH that was a camp counselor illustrates this well. He is good at getting things done with children under foot because he is well practiced.

Don't save your husbands from this burden. Let them get their practice in.

[Anonymous]

I absolutely can't do this when my toddler (18 mos) is around. I can't cook AT ALL if someone else isn't actively distracting him because of his separation anxiety. Nor can I carry on a conversation or make a grocery list while the kids are playing loudly next to me. Nor can I leave the house without forgetting something major like my wallet if said toddler is hanging on my leg freaking out that I might leave without him. And I'm a woman who has never been diagnosed with ADHD, although honestly, threads like this make me wonder. Isn't it normal for childcare for very small kids to take your full attention?

[Anonymous]

My DH struggles with this and our kids are older. I have come to realization that he sucks at doing both at the same time/near same time. Its one or the other. So, while he's taking the kids outside I'm following up behind him or getting starting in the kitchen, or wherever he was supposed to be working if I have time. I'm the parent WFH full-time and tutoring the kids as needed, so housework is second, or third, or fourth on my agenda of things that need to get done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone questioning why this has to do with ADHD has never experienced a spouse or child with ADHD.

I'm an NT wife to an ADHD husband. Things that I can do simply are things he just can't do. I'm not knocking ADHD, but just that they have a lot of trouble with managing a couple tasks at a time that others would be able to do.

10.18 again.

I'm a nanny specializing in adhd, odd and ocd. While I understand his perspective and struggles, he can learn, he just has to choose to do so. It may take a lot of help from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m NT and couldn’t do housework and care for small children at the same time. At least not well.

+1

Maybe I can't do this because I have twins? Getting them involved in things like folding the laundry always results in a fight over who owns the dinosaur socks or something, and then someone's hair gets pulled, and then they're both crying, and...

Props to you, OP, for being able to do this, but my NT self can't, and wouldn't expect anyone else to be able to.

One does socks, the other does washcloths. Switch the next time. Do the same thing with dishes: one does silverware, the other does plastic kid dishes, and they switch next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are equally hands on with the kids and many household tasks. But we try to be aware of our own strengths and weaknesses and divide things accordingly; for example, I’m good at details and remembering things, he’s good at managing larger projects, interacting with people, and physical tasks.

But man oh man does he struggle to do any simple housework WHILE tending to a kid. If our oldest (elementary age) kid is doing something independently he’s fine, but we also have a preschooler and a toddler, and he cannot take care of them AND make breakfast or fold laundry without everyone in tears. To be clear he doesn’t refuse to do it, he does it, but inevitably he’s in a terrible mood afterward, the kids are grumpy, and the area where he was is a MESS that later has to be cleaned up when the kids are elsewhere.

I am sympathetic to his adhd, which he otherwise manages well, and was thinking about the other thread about parenting with adhd.

Any suggestions about what can be done to help him? Or should we just say this is something he’s bad at, and he has to either be doing housework or taking care of the little kids but not both at once?

I can't do this either and I don't have ADHD. What does "taking care" of the kids while doing housework mean to you? If it means plopping them in front of a screen while cooking breakfast, I can do that. But if it means actively engaging them while cooking, someone, or something, is getting burnt.

+1. Trying to cook and manage toddlers is torture. I couldn’t do it well either. Screens had to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone questioning why this has to do with ADHD has never experienced a spouse or child with ADHD.

I'm an NT wife to an ADHD husband. Things that I can do simply are things he just can't do. I'm not knocking ADHD, but just that they have a lot of trouble with managing a couple tasks at a time that others would be able to do.

10.18 again.

I'm a nanny specializing in adhd, odd and ocd. While I understand his perspective and struggles, he can learn, he just has to choose to do so. It may take a lot of help from you.

No (and yes re: the help piece). I have ADHD and there are many things we can't simply "learn" no matter how much we "want" to or "choose to do so." It's tremendously demoralizing!

What we CAN do...

-sometimes

-with a lot of effort

-and with just okay, but perhaps acceptable, results

...is to use tools and the support of other humans to get better at some things.

Not just "learn to do it" via practice or whatever. Or worse "sucking it up!" Most of us try to just brute force these things because we self-flagellate. "I'm a smart person! This shouldn't be that hard!"

But it doesn't work, or not consistently or for long.

For me, I turn into the grumpy mess others and the OP describe. It's sensory and attentional overload. Everything feels like a priority, so nothing is.

Folks w/ADHD seem like they'd be great at multitasking, and often think they are. But we're good at a specific kind of multi-tasking which is really just allowing or forcing our brains to focus by doing something active and which uses a different part of the brain. Writing or taking a meeting while on a treadmill. Discussing charged or complicated issues while putting laundry away. Typically we do something physically active and/or "mindless" while doing something that requires mindful concentration. This can work.

But even discussing a big planned expense with my husband while doing dishes is not the same as trying to keep track of multiple kids while doing dishes. (And dishes IMO are much more mindless than some other chores, like "picking things up and putting them away" which is a huge challenge to executive function for folks w/ADHD, even without any other distractions!)

Even if you aren't "engaging" little kids, and even if you set them up with some activity (and that takes executive function and planning!), small kids need to be monitored at least somewhat, they get into things, they fight at times, they say, "Mama, look!!" every two seconds. As many NT people said, this is hard for a lot of people. But for a person with ADHD, their brains CANNOT ignore that "Mama, look!!" and get irritable and frustrated. It feels urgent every single time, because a hallmark of ADHD is that we are great at taking in all kinds of information-- facts, sensory info, whatever-- but terrible at prioritizing it. It also takes executive function to figure out how to get kids to "help" in some way. It can be done, and I've done it with a lot of mental prep and buy-in that it's better for the kids in the long-term. But it's yet another thing it's hard to wrap an ADHD brain around.

I suspect the posters asking what any of this has to do with ADHD know very little about ADHD.

Anyway.

What would work best for me would be to not have to do both things at once. Period.

Second to that, to do the things that are the most rote and require the least conscious thought or proprioception skills (my biggest sensory issues). Making breakfast is a bit rough. The simpler it is, the better. Cereal, oatmeal, something prepped I can stick in the microwave. Breakfast foods placed in the same area of the kitchen every time, the same part of the fridge-- maybe even a short checklist-- "first pour three glasses of milk, then get fruit from the specific drawer, then get prepped oatmeal from the fridge and heat it up for exactly X seconds..." I have an IQ of 151, by the way.

Some things, like folding laundry-- I can do this, but I have developed a system over many years, so it IS mindless. But for others, it's not, because they don't know what's "hangy or foldy" as my husband says. Or they don't know which things belong to which kids (DH may need a primer). ADHDers, and especially men who haven't been conditioned, often can't tell, like... navy blue from black.

It's just not simple.

But those are the kinds of things that can help. Not just "practice." But actual tools and support.

Now, there's a whole 'nother issue in here about sexism and social conditioning. I am better-equipped to do some of these things than most men with ADHD because I've been more forced to learn them by exposure and societal expectations. Generally speaking, I firmly believe men shouldn't get a pass on ~*domestic duties*~ just because they traditionally have, or because "I really prefer grocery shopping anyway" or whatever. But people with ADHD really do have specific challenges and do need specific support for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I get what you’re saying and want to validate you even though I don’t have advice. My DH is like this. Even if my kids were sitting 100% still and not making a sound, knowing that he is both responsible for the kids AND making breakfast makes my DH a snarly, grouchy mess. His brain can do one task at a time, medicated or not. That’s it. Anything else short-circuits him and he’s basically an angry cartoon robot with smoke coming out of his ears.

My DH is medicated and I do a lot to support his deficits, but when you are alone remind yourself that “deficit” is part of the definition of ADHD. You’re not crazy- you’re trying to coparent worth someone who’s “co-“ will always be less than yours. It’s tough.

I'm the PP who just wrote a very long comment (info-dumping, ADHD, yay!)

I agree strongly with this except for the framing of the bolded. We do have deficits, and this is important to remember. I don't think that necessarily translates into being a poorer co-parent on the whole. At least not in a generalizable way for all-- or even most-- parents with ADHD. Because we often have great gifts that can be really helpful to parenting-- creativity, flexibility, empathy, being less judgmental (related to trouble prioritizing information, but the good side). And so on.

I think (and this may be how you meant it!) the bolded statement is more true regarding the compulsory parts of parenting-- and just home-related duties-- that keep the household stable and running smoothly. Basically because they require a lot of executive function! They are tremendously important-- and undervalued b/c they usually fall to women-- and I'm not knocking them at all! But they are also not the entirety of good parenting.

[Anonymous]

PP, I was the one who made the coparenting comment. The compulsory parts of parenting (laundry! Schedule! Chores! Good!) are the ones that happen over and over on a schedule that’s not fungible. So by definition, a spouse that can’t pull their fair share of weight in those areas is not coparenting equally. Sure, the traits you describe are important to parenting, but they’re not exclusive to people with ADHD and frankly many people with ADHD who do have talents in those areas have trouble deploying those emotional resources in a timely and effective way if there is any other practical demand on their plate.

So I will stand by my comment that ADHD parents are not equal coparents. They can be good parents for sure- no one here is arguing about that- but their deficits mean that their fellow parent will not have an equal partner in the work of parenting their children.

[Anonymous]

There's a lot of dumping on ADHD, but I also want to point out the flip side. People with ADHD often have laser focus on an issue, which is awesome! If you want something done really, really well, the ADHD person is often better at it. Give DH an engine or something broken and he'll figure it out. Loves to do puzzles, magnatiles and marble runs with the kids. He's really patient at teaching them how to fix things too.

But yeah, he can't cook, clean and watch kids at the same time (something I easily do). DHs should still pull their own weight, but our division of what is 50/50 looks a little different than just straight down the middle. We each have segments that we do really well with the kids, we each have chores, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot of dumping on ADHD, but I also want to point out the flip side. People with ADHD often have laser focus on an issue, which is awesome! If you want something done really, really well, the ADHD person is often better at it. Give DH an engine or something broken and he'll figure it out. Loves to do puzzles, magnatiles and marble runs with the kids. He's really patient at teaching them how to fix things too.

But yeah, he can't cook, clean and watch kids at the same time (something I easily do). DHs should still pull their own weight, but our division of what is 50/50 looks a little different than just straight down the middle. We each have segments that we do really well with the kids, we each have chores, etc.

PP here. What I'm trying to say is that ADHD isn't just a deficit, it's just a different way of thinking. They need to learn supports and how to find their focus