ADHD husband struggles to tend to a child while doing housework

[Anonymous]

My DH and I are equally hands on with the kids and many household tasks. But we try to be aware of our own strengths and weaknesses and divide things accordingly; for example, I’m good at details and remembering things, he’s good at managing larger projects, interacting with people, and physical tasks.

But man oh man does he struggle to do any simple housework WHILE tending to a kid. If our oldest (elementary age) kid is doing something independently he’s fine, but we also have a preschooler and a toddler, and he cannot take care of them AND make breakfast or fold laundry without everyone in tears. To be clear he doesn’t refuse to do it, he does it, but inevitably he’s in a terrible mood afterward, the kids are grumpy, and the area where he was is a MESS that later has to be cleaned up when the kids are elsewhere.

I am sympathetic to his adhd, which he otherwise manages well, and was thinking about the other thread about parenting with adhd.

Any suggestions about what can be done to help him? Or should we just say this is something he’s bad at, and he has to either be doing housework or taking care of the little kids but not both at once?

[Anonymous]

It a really hard thing to do. I don't do well either unless its 10-15 min or there is screen time involved. Toddlers and preschoolers (some bot all) need constant vigilance, attention and redirection. Some tasks with them are possible if they have "stations" where they play while you are busy but in the same room. I had the play kitchen in the kitchen for a year when it was me and only one toddler when dh was deployed. But with two it would have been much harder with squabbles snd wandering off.
Gated off safe areas are useful too.

[Anonymous]

We have a similar issue. For me, it was coming to acceptance that he just could not do both. He is still a major team player. As the kids get older, it gets easier.

There are things I simply don’t do — like deal with the yard or cars. So, it all sort of evens out over time.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? Mine are 2.5 and 4.5 and they're really helpful while cooking or folding laundry. You just have to get them working. They set the table (the 2 year old in particular likes doing silverware), get waters for everyone and they like helping to mix pancake mix or pour eggs onto the pan. They aren't the best folders, but they easily can put the clothes away and carry everything upstairs.

What my adhd DH struggles with is doing a task AND keeping the house clean at the same time. For instance, last week was our inhome daycare's vacation week and DH took off to watch the kids. He had lots of activities, they all were fed on time and napped on time... but the house was TRASHED every single day (I mean requiring 3-4 hours of cleaning after). I just don't get it. I make the kids clean with me as we go from task to task. Even while cooking I clean as I go and he can't seem to do it.

My only solution is to make my kids more helpful and cleaner, so there's 3 of us to counteract DH's lack of executive functioning skills.

[Anonymous]

What goes wrong? I don’t really get why this is related to adhd.

[Anonymous]

I do have ADHD, but I’m pretty high functioning.
I hold down a demanding executive role unmedicated. My husband is as non-ADHD and even keeled as they come and even he has trouble doing stuff at home with the kids underfoot.

We usually divide and conquer on weekends - one on kid duty and one on house stuff and then trade. My youngest still naps as I imagine your younger ones do. When the napping kid is asleep, one parent takes our elementary age child to do something or to run errands and the other parent gets 2 hours to work uninterrupted.

[Anonymous]

I’d suggest accepting it if things are otherwise balanced fairly well. However, little things that help me are when my husband leaves an empty dishwasher I can fill up through the day, or we remember to batch prep some muffins, oatmeal, vegetables etc. on Sunday night so less has to be done in the moment with the kids.

Preparation helps a lot in general with both adhd and small children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are equally hands on with the kids and many household tasks. But we try to be aware of our own strengths and weaknesses and divide things accordingly; for example, I’m good at details and remembering things, he’s good at managing larger projects, interacting with people, and physical tasks.

But man oh man does he struggle to do any simple housework WHILE tending to a kid. If our oldest (elementary age) kid is doing something independently he’s fine, but we also have a preschooler and a toddler, and he cannot take care of them AND make breakfast or fold laundry without everyone in tears. To be clear he doesn’t refuse to do it, he does it, but inevitably he’s in a terrible mood afterward, the kids are grumpy, and the area where he was is a MESS that later has to be cleaned up when the kids are elsewhere.

I am sympathetic to his adhd, which he otherwise manages well, and was thinking about the other thread about parenting with adhd.

Any suggestions about what can be done to help him? Or should we just say this is something he’s bad at, and he has to either be doing housework or taking care of the little kids but not both at once?

He needs to learn how to involve them.

The toddler is old enough to get the bread out of the bag for toast. The preschooler can help scramble the eggs, cut strawberries and bananas, etc. The elementary age child should be able to help with breakfast start to finish.

For laundry, the toddler can match socks and fold (or lay flat) washcloths and underwear. The preschooler can sort the whole basket into piles for each person, and they should be able to lay a towel or pair of pants out, then fold them. Again, the elementary age child should be able to do everything from loading the washer to hanging up clothes on hangers and folding shirts, but they may still need help with fitted sheets.

Kids who are involved can't get into trouble doing other things. They also learn to be productive members of the household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are equally hands on with the kids and many household tasks. But we try to be aware of our own strengths and weaknesses and divide things accordingly; for example, I’m good at details and remembering things, he’s good at managing larger projects, interacting with people, and physical tasks.

But man oh man does he struggle to do any simple housework WHILE tending to a kid. If our oldest (elementary age) kid is doing something independently he’s fine, but we also have a preschooler and a toddler, and he cannot take care of them AND make breakfast or fold laundry without everyone in tears. To be clear he doesn’t refuse to do it, he does it, but inevitably he’s in a terrible mood afterward, the kids are grumpy, and the area where he was is a MESS that later has to be cleaned up when the kids are elsewhere.

I am sympathetic to his adhd, which he otherwise manages well, and was thinking about the other thread about parenting with adhd.

Any suggestions about what can be done to help him? Or should we just say this is something he’s bad at, and he has to either be doing housework or taking care of the little kids but not both at once?

I can't do this either and I don't have ADHD. What does "taking care" of the kids while doing housework mean to you? If it means plopping them in front of a screen while cooking breakfast, I can do that. But if it means actively engaging them while cooking, someone, or something, is getting burnt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are equally hands on with the kids and many household tasks. But we try to be aware of our own strengths and weaknesses and divide things accordingly; for example, I’m good at details and remembering things, he’s good at managing larger projects, interacting with people, and physical tasks.

But man oh man does he struggle to do any simple housework WHILE tending to a kid. If our oldest (elementary age) kid is doing something independently he’s fine, but we also have a preschooler and a toddler, and he cannot take care of them AND make breakfast or fold laundry without everyone in tears. To be clear he doesn’t refuse to do it, he does it, but inevitably he’s in a terrible mood afterward, the kids are grumpy, and the area where he was is a MESS that later has to be cleaned up when the kids are elsewhere.

I am sympathetic to his adhd, which he otherwise manages well, and was thinking about the other thread about parenting with adhd.

Any suggestions about what can be done to help him? Or should we just say this is something he’s bad at, and he has to either be doing housework or taking care of the little kids but not both at once?

I can't do this either and I don't have ADHD. What does "taking care" of the kids while doing housework mean to you? If it means plopping them in front of a screen while cooking breakfast, I can do that. But if it means actively engaging them while cooking, someone, or something, is getting burnt.

Same here.

DH, however, can do this no problem. He was a camp counselor in high school and college, so I think he's much better at multitasking w/kids overall.

[Anonymous]

So tell him not to worry about cleaning up the breakfast dishes. That can wait. Instead, focus on getting out of the house to the playground before it gets too hot. The kids are antsy and the dishes aren't going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What goes wrong? I don’t really get why this is related to adhd.

+1 what happens exactly? Like what are the kids doing while he's trying to make breakfast?

I also don't really like making meals or folding laundry with kids around. Sometimes it's great and they "help" or busy themselves with something else, and sometimes they are swarming around me or throwing the clothes and it's super annoying.

I also think sometimes people are really good at this when the don't have to do it very often, because they can muster the energy to keep everyone happy, but when you're trying to multitask with kids around everyday, sometimes multiple times a day, sometimes you just get worn down.

[Anonymous]

Anyone questioning why this has to do with ADHD has never experienced a spouse or child with ADHD.

I'm an NT wife to an ADHD husband. Things that I can do simply are things he just can't do. I'm not knocking ADHD, but just that they have a lot of trouble with managing a couple tasks at a time that others would be able to do.

[Anonymous]

I’m NT and couldn’t do housework and care for small children at the same time. At least not well.

[Anonymous]

I think I get what you’re saying and want to validate you even though I don’t have advice. My DH is like this. Even if my kids were sitting 100% still and not making a sound, knowing that he is both responsible for the kids AND making breakfast makes my DH a snarly, grouchy mess. His brain can do one task at a time, medicated or not. That’s it. Anything else short-circuits him and he’s basically an angry cartoon robot with smoke coming out of his ears.

My DH is medicated and I do a lot to support his deficits, but when you are alone remind yourself that “deficit” is part of the definition of ADHD. You’re not crazy- you’re trying to coparent worth someone who’s “co-“ will always be less than yours. It’s tough.