Really struggling with my 2 yr old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im at my wits end with my 2 year old. I know the terrible twos are supposed to be bad, but this is unbearable. Its just one tantrum or meltdown after another until bedtime. During the week she goes to daycare and I am only with her from when I pick her up at 5 until bedtime at 7:30. It is the most miserable 2.5 hours. She fights me on absolutely everything. Getting in the bath, getting out, brushing teeth, putting on pajamas, starting to read books, stopping reading books. Its never ending. The weekends are exhausting.

I try giving her choices. It makes no difference. She says no to both. She gets plenty of food, plenty of sleep and plenty of one-on-one time. She is our only child.

have you tried the Big Little Feelings course? We were struggling with our 3 year old, and just a few days in to some of the tactics and it's already helping.

[Anonymous]

This is so frustrating, I’m here too and getting my 2 yo through the nighttime series of activities is such a DRAG on me! Here’s the script I use over and over and over:

It’s time to [brush teeth [example but same for bath, potty, PJs, whatever.] go get your toothbrush.

[wait]

Ok, pretty soon mommy will get your toothbrush for you.

[usually she gets it at this point but if not...]

Ok, mommy is doing it now because you’re having trouble getting going.

And then keep the process moving, firmly, even if there’s a tantrum because they have to know you mean what you say. I never, ever negotiate or beg her bc I am the adult and in charge. (Yeah right. Lol)

I repeat this a mind numbing amount of times per day but I find that the tip off of hearing I am about to intervene is something that works for my daughter at this age.

I enjoy drbeckyatgoodinside on Instagram for similar scripts and toddler management tips.

Good luck, bedtime is the worst!

[Anonymous]

Oh and also, it’s not always possible but being silly and fun really really helps head the behavior off too some nights. Like I get a stuffed animal and make stupid voices and have the panda say how badly he wants to see my daughter put her PJs on and stuff.

[Anonymous]

Two tips, but also solidarity. 2.5 is tough - and that's ok - it really is a phase.

1. Use a timer for things like the bath. When the timer goes off, for some reason my 2.5 yo just goes with it and knows it's time for whatever we've said is next. I just use the one on my phone and pick the silliest sound!

2. My 2.5 is not hungry at dinner. I know she eats well at breakfast and lunch and has full snacks at preschool. It's ok to make dinner a smaller meal and even if she doesn't eat anything, we try to get her to sit with the family for routine.

When all else fails, I take her outside. For some reason, she calms down every time.

[Anonymous]

If you’re not already doing this, give her a snack as soon as she is out of daycare. Have a very predictable schedule so she knows what to expect. You will get through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreed on keeping consistent. My 2.5 year old will sometimes remind me what's next in our routine because we literally do the same things every night, down to the same Raffi song. Initiating bedtime can be hard but once we're on the pattern he calms down

Counting is also magic at two. Instead of saying "all done" immediately try "one more time" or counting down from five. I'm telling you, world of difference.

heads up for transitions, saying "one last time" and the use of sand timers have been really helpful for us!

[Anonymous]

Honestly, 2.5 hours with you each evening is not enough bonding time at this stage. Your child might be telling you in her own 2-year old way (the new found sense of independence) that she is not happy with something. There isn’t a whole lot you can do if you can’t change the daily schedule. The key is to not let it get to you personally and continue to be patient and calm.

At this stage the kids are feeling their boundaries (as they will do from here onwards) and learning the consequences of their actions/inactions. If they push and succeed, they will push more not understanding that something isn’t for them to push. Set very clear expectations (create a big chart w stickers) and stand firm. You are doing the right to big by giving some choices. If she picks none, then you get to decide. That should be made very clear to her.

On the reward and “punishments” (I dislike this word, hence the quotes), don’t use spending time with you as leverage. You don’t want her to associate negative emotions w spending time with you. If she doesn’t want to bath, shower, or hose her down (now that the weather is warmer) in the yard. Make it fun as if you are at the beach or the pool. I used to just wipe my DD’s hair down w a wet towel if she didn’t want to wash her hair. We pretended she was at the salon and getting her hair toweled and wrapped. She loved it because it would weigh her head down and she would rabble. We all have a good laugh and I would wait to give that hair a good wash a day or two later.

Pick your battles, I would take sitting down to read a book or play cars and horses (my DD’s favorite) as a bedtime routine. The hygiene part is just a quick detour before we get to that bedtime routine. Framing these routine in the way she could accept was my big breakthrough.

I feel for you and remember as other posters pointed out, this (phase) shall pass. Good luck.

- mom to two teens (15 & 18)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, 2.5 hours with you each evening is not enough bonding time at this stage. Your child might be telling you in her own 2-year old way (the new found sense of independence) that she is not happy with something. There isn’t a whole lot you can do if you can’t change the daily schedule. The key is to not let it get to you personally and continue to be patient and calm.

At this stage the kids are feeling their boundaries (as they will do from here onwards) and learning the consequences of their actions/inactions. If they push and succeed, they will push more not understanding that something isn’t for them to push. Set very clear expectations (create a big chart w stickers) and stand firm. You are doing the right to big by giving some choices. If she picks none, then you get to decide. That should be made very clear to her.

On the reward and “punishments” (I dislike this word, hence the quotes), don’t use spending time with you as leverage. You don’t want her to associate negative emotions w spending time with you. If she doesn’t want to bath, shower, or hose her down (now that the weather is warmer) in the yard. Make it fun as if you are at the beach or the pool. I used to just wipe my DD’s hair down w a wet towel if she didn’t want to wash her hair. We pretended she was at the salon and getting her hair toweled and wrapped. She loved it because it would weigh her head down and she would rabble. We all have a good laugh and I would wait to give that hair a good wash a day or two later.

Pick your battles, I would take sitting down to read a book or play cars and horses (my DD’s favorite) as a bedtime routine. The hygiene part is just a quick detour before we get to that bedtime routine. Framing these routine in the way she could accept was my big breakthrough.

I feel for you and remember as other posters pointed out, this (phase) shall pass. Good luck.

- mom to two teens (15 & 18)

BS. I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old and guess what? She's a nightmare at the end of the day too and has just gotten 12 hours of my individual attention.
Since your kids are much older I will kindly suggest you probably don't remember what this stage is like and keep your mom shaming to yourself.

[Anonymous]

My 2 year old went through this too, but lately has been better. Could she be teething? We realized with each of her molars coming in, our daughter was particularly hard for like 3-4 weeks! Such a long time, but they're such big teeth breaking through I think some of it was honestly discomfort and occasionally Tylenol would do wonders for her mood. Also, choices don't work for every kid. We still sometimes give my daughter choices, but if she struggles we say, you're having trouble making a choice, mommy will choose for you. Sometimes that gets her to choose or otherwise I just do it and we try to keep moving forward. Because at bedtime she'd always run away, she now gets to run one lap around the house before going down and it helps her get some energy out. Normally once we get through the struggle of getting her in pajamas, she calms down to let us read stories but she has always loved reading. Sometimes though, she'll choose her own book to hold and "read" and I just keep reading whatever book I have even if it feels like she's not paying attention and that works well for us too. Also, we've been battling a lot lately on getting dressed because she wants to do everything herself but sometimes physically can't or it takes so much longer. Starting earlier and giving her specific jobs has helped - i.e., you take off your pajama pants and then mommy will help you put on a new shirt. I also sometimes try to talk her through the task or model how to pull down pants if she's really trying to do it herself but having trouble. But building in like 20 min in the morning for her to get dressed rather than 5 has helped. We also sometimes set a timer and say, you can try until the timer goes off and then it's mommy's turn. Same with brushing teeth - I sing ABCs or count to a certain number and when it's over it's her turn, then I sing again and when it's over it's my turn to brush, sometimes she'll say it's daddy's turn, etc. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

What time does she go to daycare and is picked up?
I ask because kids are usually very, very tired at the end of the day.
This is likely what is causing all of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What time does she go to daycare and is picked up?
I ask because kids are usually very, very tired at the end of the day.
This is likely what is causing all of it.

This. My kid goes to daycare/PK (I do t care what you call it) three days a week. She is so much harder in the evenings on school days. And it’s not about missing me, because I’m home with her all day on her off day and she will often spend hours just playing on her own. She will also nap on those days, even though she rarely naps at school and will often claim not to be tired. But she is.

It’s not just that they are busy at daycare, it’s also just a lot of social input due them. Plus this is a “big feelings” age and they are spending the whole day dealing with not only their feelings but also those if everyone else at school. They have to share, they might not get to do something or play with something when they want. It can feel stressful for them.

I agree with bringing a snack to pickup. I also usually bring a favorite stuffed animal and book— she responds well to comfort items. And streamline the routine and aim for earlier bedtime. We only do baths 3 days a week, and one is always on Sunday. So much easier when it’s not a school day. Dinner on school days are simple favorites. Focus is on getting ready for bed and making sure we do reading and snuggle time. Brushing teeth is a non negotiable. But pajamas? Sometimes she wears them, sometimes she wears a (clean) dress from her closet, sometimes she just wears a pull up. It doesn’t matter.

I would actually caution against a super rigid routine. Yes to a routine (it’s necessary) but think critically about the pressure points and ask if they are necessary. Don’t fight over stuff that isn’t important, just because it’s part of the routine. Also, embrace “good enough”. It’s good to keep to a consistent pattern, but flexibility is vital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 2 year old went through this too, but lately has been better. Could she be teething? We realized with each of her molars coming in, our daughter was particularly hard for like 3-4 weeks! Such a long time, but they're such big teeth breaking through I think some of it was honestly discomfort and occasionally Tylenol would do wonders for her mood. Also, choices don't work for every kid. We still sometimes give my daughter choices, but if she struggles we say, you're having trouble making a choice, mommy will choose for you. Sometimes that gets her to choose or otherwise I just do it and we try to keep moving forward. Because at bedtime she'd always run away, she now gets to run one lap around the house before going down and it helps her get some energy out. Normally once we get through the struggle of getting her in pajamas, she calms down to let us read stories but she has always loved reading. Sometimes though, she'll choose her own book to hold and "read" and I just keep reading whatever book I have even if it feels like she's not paying attention and that works well for us too. Also, we've been battling a lot lately on getting dressed because she wants to do everything herself but sometimes physically can't or it takes so much longer. Starting earlier and giving her specific jobs has helped - i.e., you take off your pajama pants and then mommy will help you put on a new shirt. I also sometimes try to talk her through the task or model how to pull down pants if she's really trying to do it herself but having trouble. But building in like 20 min in the morning for her to get dressed rather than 5 has helped. We also sometimes set a timer and say, you can try until the timer goes off and then it's mommy's turn. Same with brushing teeth - I sing ABCs or count to a certain number and when it's over it's her turn, then I sing again and when it's over it's my turn to brush, sometimes she'll say it's daddy's turn, etc. Good luck!

NP here, I am in the same boat as OP. I have tried some of the things in the quote, but I will do more and schedule more time for her to dress self etc. She gets frustrated when she can’t accomplish a task by herself and then the tantrum ensues. Teeth brushing is a nightmare. I will try the timer. Thanks for the tips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, 2.5 hours with you each evening is not enough bonding time at this stage. Your child might be telling you in her own 2-year old way (the new found sense of independence) that she is not happy with something. There isn’t a whole lot you can do if you can’t change the daily schedule. The key is to not let it get to you personally and continue to be patient and calm.

At this stage the kids are feeling their boundaries (as they will do from here onwards) and learning the consequences of their actions/inactions. If they push and succeed, they will push more not understanding that something isn’t for them to push. Set very clear expectations (create a big chart w stickers) and stand firm. You are doing the right to big by giving some choices. If she picks none, then you get to decide. That should be made very clear to her.

On the reward and “punishments” (I dislike this word, hence the quotes), don’t use spending time with you as leverage. You don’t want her to associate negative emotions w spending time with you. If she doesn’t want to bath, shower, or hose her down (now that the weather is warmer) in the yard. Make it fun as if you are at the beach or the pool. I used to just wipe my DD’s hair down w a wet towel if she didn’t want to wash her hair. We pretended she was at the salon and getting her hair toweled and wrapped. She loved it because it would weigh her head down and she would rabble. We all have a good laugh and I would wait to give that hair a good wash a day or two later.

Pick your battles, I would take sitting down to read a book or play cars and horses (my DD’s favorite) as a bedtime routine. The hygiene part is just a quick detour before we get to that bedtime routine. Framing these routine in the way she could accept was my big breakthrough.

I feel for you and remember as other posters pointed out, this (phase) shall pass. Good luck.

- mom to two teens (15 & 18)

BS. I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old and guess what? She's a nightmare at the end of the day too and has just gotten 12 hours of my individual attention.
Since your kids are much older I will kindly suggest you probably don't remember what this stage is like and keep your mom shaming to yourself.

I am so sorry that you are frustrated as a SAHM. I have no intention to mom sham anyone during any stage of their motherhood experience. On the other hand, you are mom shaming me as someone who is not qualified to share my parenting experiences since my kids are now too old. Ironic isn't it. It is ok. Parenthood is not an easy road that comes with exact instructions. No one can prepare you for the emotional rollercoaster ride. You are probably in one of those foggy valleys that you can see past your nose. Majority of the time, everything will clear up and you will be in a different mode and mood. Your relationship with your child will go through many twist and turns. This is just one of those stops.

As I said in my post, 2 year old tantrums are these mini-people's way of trying to tell us something, be it they are in pain due to teething, or that they are overtired, over stimulated, or they really don't want to keep eating strawberries as a snack, or wear that certain pajama pants, etc. Your child could be telling you something or try to express him or herself. The evening hours are usually the most challenging. I remember my 2 year old having night terrors EVERY SINGLE night for 5 years straight after over stimulation during the day. We finally figure out the rhyme of when she would bolt up and stare blankly into space while screaming, and had to readjust her schedule to figure out just the right amount of downtime during the day to ease (simply not able to prevent) these episodes. Trust me, you just want to pull your hair out in that moment watching her going through that. My other one had reflux for the first 2 years and couldn't keep food down. YES, I remember all of it and I miss them even during those moments. It was a trying journey, but we were on it together.

So please breath and read these board with a positive attitude, taking what might work for you and leave the rest. Your resentment and frustration will show and kids are very astute.

Good luck....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, 2.5 hours with you each evening is not enough bonding time at this stage. Your child might be telling you in her own 2-year old way (the new found sense of independence) that she is not happy with something. There isn’t a whole lot you can do if you can’t change the daily schedule. The key is to not let it get to you personally and continue to be patient and calm.

At this stage the kids are feeling their boundaries (as they will do from here onwards) and learning the consequences of their actions/inactions. If they push and succeed, they will push more not understanding that something isn’t for them to push. Set very clear expectations (create a big chart w stickers) and stand firm. You are doing the right to big by giving some choices. If she picks none, then you get to decide. That should be made very clear to her.

On the reward and “punishments” (I dislike this word, hence the quotes), don’t use spending time with you as leverage. You don’t want her to associate negative emotions w spending time with you. If she doesn’t want to bath, shower, or hose her down (now that the weather is warmer) in the yard. Make it fun as if you are at the beach or the pool. I used to just wipe my DD’s hair down w a wet towel if she didn’t want to wash her hair. We pretended she was at the salon and getting her hair toweled and wrapped. She loved it because it would weigh her head down and she would rabble. We all have a good laugh and I would wait to give that hair a good wash a day or two later.

Pick your battles, I would take sitting down to read a book or play cars and horses (my DD’s favorite) as a bedtime routine. The hygiene part is just a quick detour before we get to that bedtime routine. Framing these routine in the way she could accept was my big breakthrough.

I feel for you and remember as other posters pointed out, this (phase) shall pass. Good luck.

- mom to two teens (15 & 18)

BS. I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old and guess what? She's a nightmare at the end of the day too and has just gotten 12 hours of my individual attention.
Since your kids are much older I will kindly suggest you probably don't remember what this stage is like and keep your mom shaming to yourself.

I am so sorry that you are frustrated as a SAHM. I have no intention to mom sham anyone during any stage of their motherhood experience. On the other hand, you are mom shaming me as someone who is not qualified to share my parenting experiences since my kids are now too old. Ironic isn't it. It is ok. Parenthood is not an easy road that comes with exact instructions. No one can prepare you for the emotional rollercoaster ride. You are probably in one of those foggy valleys that you can see past your nose. Majority of the time, everything will clear up and you will be in a different mode and mood. Your relationship with your child will go through many twist and turns. This is just one of those stops.

As I said in my post, 2 year old tantrums are these mini-people's way of trying to tell us something, be it they are in pain due to teething, or that they are overtired, over stimulated, or they really don't want to keep eating strawberries as a snack, or wear that certain pajama pants, etc. Your child could be telling you something or try to express him or herself. The evening hours are usually the most challenging. I remember my 2 year old having night terrors EVERY SINGLE night for 5 years straight after over stimulation during the day. We finally figure out the rhyme of when she would bolt up and stare blankly into space while screaming, and had to readjust her schedule to figure out just the right amount of downtime during the day to ease (simply not able to prevent) these episodes. Trust me, you just want to pull your hair out in that moment watching her going through that. My other one had reflux for the first 2 years and couldn't keep food down. YES, I remember all of it and I miss them even during those moments. It was a trying journey, but we were on it together.

So please breath and read these board with a positive attitude, taking what might work for you and leave the rest. Your resentment and frustration will show and kids are very astute.

Good luck....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, 2.5 hours with you each evening is not enough bonding time at this stage. Your child might be telling you in her own 2-year old way (the new found sense of independence) that she is not happy with something. There isn’t a whole lot you can do if you can’t change the daily schedule. The key is to not let it get to you personally and continue to be patient and calm.

At this stage the kids are feeling their boundaries (as they will do from here onwards) and learning the consequences of their actions/inactions. If they push and succeed, they will push more not understanding that something isn’t for them to push. Set very clear expectations (create a big chart w stickers) and stand firm. You are doing the right to big by giving some choices. If she picks none, then you get to decide. That should be made very clear to her.

On the reward and “punishments” (I dislike this word, hence the quotes), don’t use spending time with you as leverage. You don’t want her to associate negative emotions w spending time with you. If she doesn’t want to bath, shower, or hose her down (now that the weather is warmer) in the yard. Make it fun as if you are at the beach or the pool. I used to just wipe my DD’s hair down w a wet towel if she didn’t want to wash her hair. We pretended she was at the salon and getting her hair toweled and wrapped. She loved it because it would weigh her head down and she would rabble. We all have a good laugh and I would wait to give that hair a good wash a day or two later.

Pick your battles, I would take sitting down to read a book or play cars and horses (my DD’s favorite) as a bedtime routine. The hygiene part is just a quick detour before we get to that bedtime routine. Framing these routine in the way she could accept was my big breakthrough.

I feel for you and remember as other posters pointed out, this (phase) shall pass. Good luck.

- mom to two teens (15 & 18)

BS. I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old and guess what? She's a nightmare at the end of the day too and has just gotten 12 hours of my individual attention.
Since your kids are much older I will kindly suggest you probably don't remember what this stage is like and keep your mom shaming to yourself.

I am so sorry that you are frustrated as a SAHM. I have no intention to mom sham anyone during any stage of their motherhood experience. On the other hand, you are mom shaming me as someone who is not qualified to share my parenting experiences since my kids are now too old. Ironic isn't it. It is ok. Parenthood is not an easy road that comes with exact instructions. No one can prepare you for the emotional rollercoaster ride. You are probably in one of those foggy valleys that you can see past your nose. Majority of the time, everything will clear up and you will be in a different mode and mood. Your relationship with your child will go through many twist and turns. This is just one of those stops.

As I said in my post, 2 year old tantrums are these mini-people's way of trying to tell us something, be it they are in pain due to teething, or that they are overtired, over stimulated, or they really don't want to keep eating strawberries as a snack, or wear that certain pajama pants, etc. Your child could be telling you something or try to express him or herself. The evening hours are usually the most challenging. I remember my 2 year old having night terrors EVERY SINGLE night for 5 years straight after over stimulation during the day. We finally figure out the rhyme of when she would bolt up and stare blankly into space while screaming, and had to readjust her schedule to figure out just the right amount of downtime during the day to ease (simply not able to prevent) these episodes. Trust me, you just want to pull your hair out in that moment watching her going through that. My other one had reflux for the first 2 years and couldn't keep food down. YES, I remember all of it and I miss them even during those moments. It was a trying journey, but we were on it together.

So please breath and read these board with a positive attitude, taking what might work for you and leave the rest. Your resentment and frustration will show and kids are very astute.

Good luck....

+1000000 to the eye roll.