Unpopular Opinion: I'm not concerned about whether my kid will grow up to resent me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever tells high achieving men that their kids will resent them.

My husband is a big law partner. I had to quit my pretty intense career when we had kids so that they would see at least one parent. I wonder who they will grow up to resent. Me, probably.

Of course, you're a woman, nothing you do is right!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several people in the big law thread wrote about how "your kids will come to resent that time you spent away from them." I don't quite understand the logic of trying to predict how your children will react to your lifestyle and trying to prevent "resentment." We all resent our parents for various reasons and there is now way to raise a child that doesn't resent something you've done. You can stay home with them all day and they can grow up to resent that you didn't give them more independent. You can have a fulfilling career and they can resent that you didn't make that one basketball game. Once a child is well care for, feed, not neglected, has emotional needs met (and yes, this can mean by a village of people and not just you) then your job is mostly done. Being a parent is ONE aspect of your life and your child needs to understand that you are also a wife, husband, daughter, son, a coworker, a book club member, a friend and that your life does not revolve around them. If they resent you, then fine, they can do it better with their own kids.

TL;DR: basically stop trying to live your life in this way. You are likely a great parent already if you are concerned with making it all work. Just do your best because either way your child will resent you in some way.

People who say that are jealous of the life they don't have. It's usually someone who doesn't work who secretly resents that you have an identity outside being a mom. So just ignore them. And I agree with the rest of your post.

Of course someone who feels that their parents were not fully present are “jealous of a life they don’t have.” They wish they had a life with engaged parents. And in a discussion about the impact of having two working parents, that’s a legitimate concern.

[Anonymous]

There's a big grain of truth here, but it's also a bit absolutist. "Kids will resent you no matter what, so do whatever you want."

I don't think you should make decisions with future possible resentment at the forefront of your mind-- for sure. But just because kids will resent you for something, no matter what you do, doesn't mean the quality or quantity or validity (!) of their resentment is of no consequence.

With or without effort, you can end up doing everything in a way that fits your child 95% of the time, and they may still resent you for that 5% at some point (this really does shift throughout a child's life as they gain different perspectives). But I'm not sure that means it's therefore laudable not to consider how they feel about some of your potential life choices or how you spend your time. Some of what is being framed as their future resentment is actually... things they may be feeling and struggling with NOW, but they are too young to articulate them. At age 6 or 8 I would have told you I have the greatest mommy in the world and I only wanted maybe a little more time with her. As a very young adult, I resented her leaving me with my depressed dad so much. Now I have even more perspective and I wouldn't say I resent her-- but we could be a lot closer, too. And I use the feelings I really DID have at 6 or 8 to help guide some of my choices with my own kid.

[Anonymous]

Everything I do is for my kids. I work for THEM. I work to send them to private school, to tennis classes, to Europe with parents, grandparents and siblings.

If we were super rich, maybe I would not work, but I think that giving them all the opportunities I am giving them, is much more important than spending more time with them. Kids, in my opinion, need to be exposed to a lot of things and people. This is how they grow and become more intelligent. They have a strong family unit and we spend weekends and vacations together. I put them to sleep every night, make sure they do their reading, ask them about their friends, etc.

I truly know and care about my kids and I never put ME before them. I do enjoy the fact that working makes me a more interesting and fulfilled human being, but if I did not need the money to give my kids all I think they need, I probably would not be working.

My mom raised me this way (she actually spent less time with us). Quality vs quantity is always better and her and I are super close. I don’t resent her for anything she did because I know she did it all for me (and my brother).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really OP? There are real, material reasons to wonder about the impact of a biglaw career on your kids. Those jobs are often so demanding that you literally have no time in the day to see your kid. It’s a reasonable question to ask how that’s going to impact your child. Most people don’t go into parenthood intending to spend 3 hrs/week with their kids.

Many men do and nobody thinks anything of it.

[Anonymous]

Research actually shows that children of happy mothers do better, and that includes children of mothers who are happily working in particular. https://journalistsresource.org/economics/working-mother-employment-research/

[Anonymous]

People will interpret this as permission tk.start neglecting thier children's genuine needs.

Parent claim they are delegating their duties when in reality they are practicing dereliction of duties. I see more negligent parents than responsible ones. But whatever floats your boat.

[Anonymous]

Quality and quantity both is necessary.

[Anonymous]

Open the schools already. WOHMs are dying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People will interpret this as permission tk.start neglecting thier children's genuine needs.

Parent claim they are delegating their duties when in reality they are practicing dereliction of duties. I see more negligent parents than responsible ones. But whatever floats your boat.

Sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Research actually shows that children of happy mothers do better, and that includes children of mothers who are happily working in particular. https://journalistsresource.org/economics/working-mother-employment-research/

most big law attorneys are not “happily working.” Especially moms of young kids. There’s a world of difference between big law and other types of jobs.

[Anonymous]

I think your intention is well meaning, but it plays a bit justify your existence. Be the parent you want to be. Don’t worry about others approach/self identify within parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People will interpret this as permission tk.start neglecting thier children's genuine needs.

Parent claim they are delegating their duties when in reality they are practicing dereliction of duties. I see more negligent parents than responsible ones. But whatever floats your boat.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever tells high achieving men that their kids will resent them.

My husband is a big law partner. I had to quit my pretty intense career when we had kids so that they would see at least one parent. I wonder who they will grow up to resent. Me, probably.

Selfish workaholic Disney Dad wins again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really OP? There are real, material reasons to wonder about the impact of a biglaw career on your kids. Those jobs are often so demanding that you literally have no time in the day to see your kid. It’s a reasonable question to ask how that’s going to impact your child. Most people don’t go into parenthood intending to spend 3 hrs/week with their kids.

Many men do and nobody thinks anything of it.

Actually lots of people talk about that.