Unpopular Opinion: I'm not concerned about whether my kid will grow up to resent me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a huge relief to know that I am the only one. I don't live for my kids, but for myself, as I hope they will one day do. Striving to create these childhoods of artisanal perfection for our children, who already enjoy so much privilege, protects them from the disappointment and failure in life that spur growth. Parenting a neurotypical child in financial security is not necessarily the hardest or most important thing a person can ever do. Their needs should not always take primacy. Otherwise, why am I alive?

Lol. You’re alive to reproduce and pass on your genes. Anything more is not necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one ever tells high achieving men that their kids will resent them.

Do you live under a rock? Yes they do. “Parenting” as a verb and a serious endeavor, broadened to including fathers, has changed radically in the last 20 years. Where have you been?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really OP? There are real, material reasons to wonder about the impact of a biglaw career on your kids. Those jobs are often so demanding that you literally have no time in the day to see your kid. It’s a reasonable question to ask how that’s going to impact your child. Most people don’t go into parenthood intending to spend 3 hrs/week with their kids.

Many men do and nobody thinks anything of it.

Actually lots of people talk about that.

My aunt’s husband was a successful oncologist who was raised in a culture where basically the man makes money, then does whatever he wants with his time. His job didn’t even require that much time after a certain point, he just wanted to watch tv when he got home, not deal with anything else. His wife and kids vocally expressed frustration with his attitude for his entire career and I’m sure if you asked my cousins they would say they hated it.

[Anonymous]

You’re right that all adult children have some complaints about how they were parented but there’s a lot of difference between “they should have let me quit piano a year sooner” and “I wasn’t a priority to them” or “my parents are narcissists.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Several people in the big law thread wrote about how "your kids will come to resent that time you spent away from them." I don't quite understand the logic of trying to predict how your children will react to your lifestyle and trying to prevent "resentment." We all resent our parents for various reasons and there is now way to raise a child that doesn't resent something you've done. You can stay home with them all day and they can grow up to resent that you didn't give them more independent. You can have a fulfilling career and they can resent that you didn't make that one basketball game. Once a child is well care for, feed, not neglected, has emotional needs met (and yes, this can mean by a village of people and not just you) then your job is mostly done. Being a parent is ONE aspect of your life and your child needs to understand that you are also a wife, husband, daughter, son, a coworker, a book club member, a friend and that your life does not revolve around them. If they resent you, then fine, they can do it better with their own kids.

TL;DR: basically stop trying to live your life in this way. You are likely a great parent already if you are concerned with making it all work. Just do your best because either way your child will resent you in some way.

Guess you shouldn't care what strangers think then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re right that all adult children have some complaints about how they were parented but there’s a lot of difference between “they should have let me quit piano a year sooner” and “I wasn’t a priority to them” or “my parents are narcissists.”

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really OP? There are real, material reasons to wonder about the impact of a biglaw career on your kids. Those jobs are often so demanding that you literally have no time in the day to see your kid. It’s a reasonable question to ask how that’s going to impact your child. Most people don’t go into parenthood intending to spend 3 hrs/week with their kids.

Many men do and nobody thinks anything of it.

Actually lots of people talk about that.

Exactly. That argument may have been true in the past, not so much anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really OP? There are real, material reasons to wonder about the impact of a biglaw career on your kids. Those jobs are often so demanding that you literally have no time in the day to see your kid. It’s a reasonable question to ask how that’s going to impact your child. Most people don’t go into parenthood intending to spend 3 hrs/week with their kids.

Many men do and nobody thinks anything of it.

Actually lots of people talk about that.

"And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon"

[Anonymous]

Their relationship with you is the basis of their sense of self. I care a lot about the relationship ship for that reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quality and quantity both is necessary.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several people in the big law thread wrote about how "your kids will come to resent that time you spent away from them." I don't quite understand the logic of trying to predict how your children will react to your lifestyle and trying to prevent "resentment." We all resent our parents for various reasons and there is now way to raise a child that doesn't resent something you've done. You can stay home with them all day and they can grow up to resent that you didn't give them more independent. You can have a fulfilling career and they can resent that you didn't make that one basketball game. Once a child is well care for, feed, not neglected, has emotional needs met (and yes, this can mean by a village of people and not just you) then your job is mostly done. Being a parent is ONE aspect of your life and your child needs to understand that you are also a wife, husband, daughter, son, a coworker, a book club member, a friend and that your life does not revolve around them. If they resent you, then fine, they can do it better with their own kids.

TL;DR: basically stop trying to live your life in this way. You are likely a great parent already if you are concerned with making it all work. Just do your best because either way your child will resent you in some way.

People who say that are jealous of the life they don't have. It's usually someone who doesn't work who secretly resents that you have an identity outside being a mom. So just ignore them. And I agree with the rest of your post.

LOL if you think anyone is jealous of BigLaw hours and demands Talk about a grind. You’re a 🤡

Seriously, what working 60-80 hours a week? Far different than 40 hours a week. Sounds like PP and OP above are trying to justify never seeing their kids as OK because kids with parents who work normal hours can be resentful about something else.

Really bad justification all around. My friend knew a guy whose dad was a lawyer. Their quality time was his dad taking him to the office on the weekends. Yes this is for real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several people in the big law thread wrote about how "your kids will come to resent that time you spent away from them." I don't quite understand the logic of trying to predict how your children will react to your lifestyle and trying to prevent "resentment." We all resent our parents for various reasons and there is now way to raise a child that doesn't resent something you've done. You can stay home with them all day and they can grow up to resent that you didn't give them more independent. You can have a fulfilling career and they can resent that you didn't make that one basketball game. Once a child is well care for, feed, not neglected, has emotional needs met (and yes, this can mean by a village of people and not just you) then your job is mostly done. Being a parent is ONE aspect of your life and your child needs to understand that you are also a wife, husband, daughter, son, a coworker, a book club member, a friend and that your life does not revolve around them. If they resent you, then fine, they can do it better with their own kids.

TL;DR: basically stop trying to live your life in this way. You are likely a great parent already if you are concerned with making it all work. Just do your best because either way your child will resent you in some way.

People who say that are jealous of the life they don't have. It's usually someone who doesn't work who secretly resents that you have an identity outside being a mom. So just ignore them. And I agree with the rest of your post.

LOL if you think anyone is jealous of BigLaw hours and demands Talk about a grind. You’re a 🤡

Seriously, what working 60-80 hours a week? Far different than 40 hours a week. Sounds like PP and OP above are trying to justify never seeing their kids as OK because kids with parents who work normal hours can be resentful about something else.

Really bad justification all around. My friend knew a guy whose dad was a lawyer. Their quality time was his dad taking him to the office on the weekends. Yes this is for real.

I'm the PP. I'm a lawyer. I don't work 60-80 hours a week, and I don't have to justify anything about my life to you. I see my kids a lot, but they also know I have a job, and that sometimes means I can't help them with their homework some nights.

People who make blanket statements about someone else's kids resenting the time they spent away from them is full of BS. They don't know anything about the time spent away from their kids. Do YOU spend all day with your kids? You must not send them to school or ever let them play at someone else's house or go visit their grandparents alone, right? Oh wait, you do? So you also spend time away from them. I wonder if they resent you for that...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything I do is for my kids. I work for THEM. I work to send them to private school, to tennis classes, to Europe with parents, grandparents and siblings.

If we were super rich, maybe I would not work, but I think that giving them all the opportunities I am giving them, is much more important than spending more time with them. Kids, in my opinion, need to be exposed to a lot of things and people. This is how they grow and become more intelligent. They have a strong family unit and we spend weekends and vacations together. I put them to sleep every night, make sure they do their reading, ask them about their friends, etc.

I truly know and care about my kids and I never put ME before them. I do enjoy the fact that working makes me a more interesting and fulfilled human being, but if I did not need the money to give my kids all I think they need, I probably would not be working.

My mom raised me this way (she actually spent less time with us). Quality vs quantity is always better and her and I are super close. I don’t resent her for anything she did because I know she did it all for me (and my brother).

You never felt guilt or pressure knowing that all your mom's choices were because of you? There's a difference between a mom who prioritizes her kids, and a mom who literally says that she NEVER puts herself before her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several people in the big law thread wrote about how "your kids will come to resent that time you spent away from them." I don't quite understand the logic of trying to predict how your children will react to your lifestyle and trying to prevent "resentment." We all resent our parents for various reasons and there is now way to raise a child that doesn't resent something you've done. You can stay home with them all day and they can grow up to resent that you didn't give them more independent. You can have a fulfilling career and they can resent that you didn't make that one basketball game. Once a child is well care for, feed, not neglected, has emotional needs met (and yes, this can mean by a village of people and not just you) then your job is mostly done. Being a parent is ONE aspect of your life and your child needs to understand that you are also a wife, husband, daughter, son, a coworker, a book club member, a friend and that your life does not revolve around them. If they resent you, then fine, they can do it better with their own kids.

TL;DR: basically stop trying to live your life in this way. You are likely a great parent already if you are concerned with making it all work. Just do your best because either way your child will resent you in some way.

People who say that are jealous of the life they don't have. It's usually someone who doesn't work who secretly resents that you have an identity outside being a mom. So just ignore them. And I agree with the rest of your post.

LOL if you think anyone is jealous of BigLaw hours and demands Talk about a grind. You’re a 🤡

Seriously, what working 60-80 hours a week? Far different than 40 hours a week. Sounds like PP and OP above are trying to justify never seeing their kids as OK because kids with parents who work normal hours can be resentful about something else.

Really bad justification all around. My friend knew a guy whose dad was a lawyer. Their quality time was his dad taking him to the office on the weekends. Yes this is for real.

I'm the PP. I'm a lawyer. I don't work 60-80 hours a week, and I don't have to justify anything about my life to you. I see my kids a lot, but they also know I have a job, and that sometimes means I can't help them with their homework some nights.

People who make blanket statements about someone else's kids resenting the time they spent away from them is full of BS. They don't know anything about the time spent away from their kids. Do YOU spend all day with your kids? You must not send them to school or ever let them play at someone else's house or go visit their grandparents alone, right? Oh wait, you do? So you also spend time away from them. I wonder if they resent you for that...

FYI, we are talking big law here. Not lawyers who work for the feds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re right that all adult children have some complaints about how they were parented but there’s a lot of difference between “they should have let me quit piano a year sooner” and “I wasn’t a priority to them” or “my parents are narcissists.”

You forgot to include “my parents are oppressive in their expectation that they will be the center of my life.” Obviously parents should be meeting their kids’ physical, mental and emotional needs, but if you contort your entire life around trying to cultivate a certain relationship with your child, it can be very disappointing when your don’t have exactly the relationship with your child that you planned on. So yes, prioritize quality time with your kids. But if you’re giving up a career you love because you think you and your child will be close as a adults if you never missed a field trip or a soccer practice, that’s a dicey proposition too. Kids are people, not cake recipes.