Unpopular Opinion: I'm not concerned about whether my kid will grow up to resent me

[Anonymous]

Several people in the big law thread wrote about how "your kids will come to resent that time you spent away from them." I don't quite understand the logic of trying to predict how your children will react to your lifestyle and trying to prevent "resentment." We all resent our parents for various reasons and there is now way to raise a child that doesn't resent something you've done. You can stay home with them all day and they can grow up to resent that you didn't give them more independent. You can have a fulfilling career and they can resent that you didn't make that one basketball game. Once a child is well care for, feed, not neglected, has emotional needs met (and yes, this can mean by a village of people and not just you) then your job is mostly done. Being a parent is ONE aspect of your life and your child needs to understand that you are also a wife, husband, daughter, son, a coworker, a book club member, a friend and that your life does not revolve around them. If they resent you, then fine, they can do it better with their own kids.

TL;DR: basically stop trying to live your life in this way. You are likely a great parent already if you are concerned with making it all work. Just do your best because either way your child will resent you in some way.

[Anonymous]

It's a huge relief to know that I am the only one. I don't live for my kids, but for myself, as I hope they will one day do. Striving to create these childhoods of artisanal perfection for our children, who already enjoy so much privilege, protects them from the disappointment and failure in life that spur growth. Parenting a neurotypical child in financial security is not necessarily the hardest or most important thing a person can ever do. Their needs should not always take primacy. Otherwise, why am I alive?

[Anonymous]

Absolutely. Also yes I want my daughter to be her own person not defined by her decision to have kids or marry or whatever. I want the same for myself.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you OP, and I think your opinion is traditionally/historically the norm. It's only recently (in the USA) that parents started allowing their lives and self-identities to be dictated by their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a huge relief to know that I am the only one. I don't live for my kids, but for myself, as I hope they will one day do. Striving to create these childhoods of artisanal perfection for our children, who already enjoy so much privilege, protects them from the disappointment and failure in life that spur growth. Parenting a neurotypical child in financial security is not necessarily the hardest or most important thing a person can ever do. Their needs should not always take primacy. Otherwise, why am I alive?

I disagree. Needs should be met. Wants are a different thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Several people in the big law thread wrote about how "your kids will come to resent that time you spent away from them." I don't quite understand the logic of trying to predict how your children will react to your lifestyle and trying to prevent "resentment." We all resent our parents for various reasons and there is now way to raise a child that doesn't resent something you've done. You can stay home with them all day and they can grow up to resent that you didn't give them more independent. You can have a fulfilling career and they can resent that you didn't make that one basketball game. Once a child is well care for, feed, not neglected, has emotional needs met (and yes, this can mean by a village of people and not just you) then your job is mostly done. Being a parent is ONE aspect of your life and your child needs to understand that you are also a wife, husband, daughter, son, a coworker, a book club member, a friend and that your life does not revolve around them. If they resent you, then fine, they can do it better with their own kids.

TL;DR: basically stop trying to live your life in this way. You are likely a great parent already if you are concerned with making it all work. Just do your best because either way your child will resent you in some way.

People who say that are jealous of the life they don't have. It's usually someone who doesn't work who secretly resents that you have an identity outside being a mom. So just ignore them. And I agree with the rest of your post.

[Anonymous]

My mom was a doctor and spent a huge amount of time away from me as a kid. I didn't resent it because the time she did spend with me was quality. Kids know when a parent cares and when a parent doesn't. Just make sure your kid knows you care, and that's that.

[Anonymous]

Really OP? There are real, material reasons to wonder about the impact of a biglaw career on your kids. Those jobs are often so demanding that you literally have no time in the day to see your kid. It’s a reasonable question to ask how that’s going to impact your child. Most people don’t go into parenthood intending to spend 3 hrs/week with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several people in the big law thread wrote about how "your kids will come to resent that time you spent away from them." I don't quite understand the logic of trying to predict how your children will react to your lifestyle and trying to prevent "resentment." We all resent our parents for various reasons and there is now way to raise a child that doesn't resent something you've done. You can stay home with them all day and they can grow up to resent that you didn't give them more independent. You can have a fulfilling career and they can resent that you didn't make that one basketball game. Once a child is well care for, feed, not neglected, has emotional needs met (and yes, this can mean by a village of people and not just you) then your job is mostly done. Being a parent is ONE aspect of your life and your child needs to understand that you are also a wife, husband, daughter, son, a coworker, a book club member, a friend and that your life does not revolve around them. If they resent you, then fine, they can do it better with their own kids.

TL;DR: basically stop trying to live your life in this way. You are likely a great parent already if you are concerned with making it all work. Just do your best because either way your child will resent you in some way.

People who say that are jealous of the life they don't have. It's usually someone who doesn't work who secretly resents that you have an identity outside being a mom. So just ignore them. And I agree with the rest of your post.

Lol, no. I chose to get a great government law job that is stimulating and provides a ton of responsibility and flexibility. I generally work 40 hrs/week and have plenty of time for other things. The Big Law grind seems truly awful to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a huge relief to know that I am the only one. I don't live for my kids, but for myself, as I hope they will one day do. Striving to create these childhoods of artisanal perfection for our children, who already enjoy so much privilege, protects them from the disappointment and failure in life that spur growth. Parenting a neurotypical child in financial security is not necessarily the hardest or most important thing a person can ever do. Their needs should not always take primacy. Otherwise, why am I alive?

So what would you do if your child wasn’t NT or had some other problems that took up your time? Parenting just can’t be outsourced 100%. It’s great to maintain your own interests, but someone needs to give the child structure and stability. That takes time - it just does.

[Anonymous]

Interestingly, DH (not me) has a VERY strong opinion on this. His parents actually worked very relaxed jobs and were very present for him and his sibling. His parents were the least successful people in families of high achievers and DH felt that his maternal cousins especially suffered from their parents not being present in their lives. Whenever I talk with DH about demanding jobs he always goes back to this, and it’s not because he’s jealous of something he didn’t have- he wants to give his kids what he had.

[Anonymous]

No one ever tells high achieving men that their kids will resent them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one ever tells high achieving men that their kids will resent them.

But they should. The reason they don’t resent them is that generally a mom is doing the hard work of parenting. I don’t agree with that, but I also don’t think that young women should think the answer is that they will be the ones who abdicate parenting. What will really happen is that they will not be able to detach from parenting the way men do, and it will be totally miserable and unsustainable. That said, there are a growing number of high achieving women supported by SAHD - I can think of at least 3 SAHD in my Ivy law school class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one ever tells high achieving men that their kids will resent them.

My husband is a big law partner. I had to quit my pretty intense career when we had kids so that they would see at least one parent. I wonder who they will grow up to resent. Me, probably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever tells high achieving men that their kids will resent them.

My husband is a big law partner. I had to quit my pretty intense career when we had kids so that they would see at least one parent. I wonder who they will grow up to resent. Me, probably.

lol so true. well hopefully you at least get to enjoy the $$$!