Overbearing mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What everyone has said about setting boundaries, OP. Tell her exactly what level of communication you're willing to have and stick to it. Let her know that if she continues to harass you, you'll stop responding for a month. Each time she breaks a boundary, extend the no contact.

Please start doing this now, OP, and stick to it. You don't deserve it and you need to establish these boundaries before she starts treating your child the same way. You should be able to enjoy this time with your child without her ruining it.

Best wishes to you, OP. Sorry you got stuck with a toxic mother.

Too much emotional labor. Just go no contact.

[Anonymous]

Ok—can you get some therapy? She is responsible for her feelings, you are responsible for yours. If she throws a tantrum, that’s on her, not you. “No” is a complete sentence. And a one time “I can’t talk as much as I used to.” Is a complete sentence. “If you do x, bring up topic x, I will leave/hang up” is a sentence. You need to learn BOUNDARIES. If she decides not to speak with you as a result, it’s on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be livid. Why don’t you put her on Do not disturb or just block her number? You need every minute of that 15 minutes to yourself. What part of “first time mom” does she not understand?

You are not being unreasonable. She is the one who acts like a toddler. I’d send a text stating that you need the constant calls and texts to stop because you have a baby and yourself to care for. And you will contact her if you need her. And then I’ll block her ass and take a good long time out.

OP here. I will try that, I can guarantee she will flip a lid and make me feel really bad. She’ll probably involve my SO if I ignore her. I’m so scared to put my foot down because it was so emotionally draining before and this is her first grandchild so it’s going to be reeeally bad.

To successfully set boundaries you are going to have to get over letting her reaction affect you. That is exactly the point of her reaction - to get you to remove your boundaries.

You don't need to explain or get into a discussion. If she calls and you don't want to talk, then I'd probably send a text saying - can't talk now, call you soon. You don't HAVE to do that, but it cuts off the discussion of "you could have at least texted me!" And don't let yourself get into the situation where she's haranguing you about something like the inheritance. You tell her "I'm not discussing this anymore," and then don't. If she tries to involve your SO or friends tell them this is your relationship to handle and you'd appreciate it if they'd tell you mother the same.

It is VERY likely she will be angry and escalate all of this when you set limits. Stick to your guns.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a personality disordered parent. Please read about this. Also, I know you’re very busy with being a mom right now, but you need to seek therapy ASAP. These are not run of the mill parent/grown child issues.

There’s a Reddit group r/raisedbyborderlines, also the Out of the Fog website.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not sure if your mom has BPD, but she's definitely emotionally immature. I highly recommend that you read these books (in this order):
- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay Gibson
- Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents (Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy) by Lindsay Gibson

These books will hopefully help you set boundaries.

It's hard. She's going to take any boundaries you try to set as a total rejection. It also seems like your mom likes drama, and as a FTM you don't have time/energy for that. So stay calm! And if she wants threatens to cut you off, just say "ok" because we all know that she thrives on having relationships with everyone, you included. So she's not going to permanently go away. Or take responsibility for her actions.

Stay strong!

[Anonymous]

BF? You're not married. Strike. She doesn't see you as a functioning adult. She doesn't see you equal to her. In functioning. In decision making. Why is that? Are you financially independent from her? Are you completely supporting yourself? (I don't mean your "BF" supporting you). Mom worries about you. Have you given her reason to worry about you? Has she had to bail you out? She may be suffering from ptsd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BF? You're not married. Strike. She doesn't see you as a functioning adult. She doesn't see you equal to her. In functioning. In decision making. Why is that? Are you financially independent from her? Are you completely supporting yourself? (I don't mean your "BF" supporting you). Mom worries about you. Have you given her reason to worry about you? Has she had to bail you out? She may be suffering from ptsd

Well, it looks like mom has shown up to chime in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BF? You're not married. Strike. She doesn't see you as a functioning adult. She doesn't see you equal to her. In functioning. In decision making. Why is that? Are you financially independent from her? Are you completely supporting yourself? (I don't mean your "BF" supporting you). Mom worries about you. Have you given her reason to worry about you? Has she had to bail you out? She may be suffering from ptsd

Well, it looks like mom has shown up to chime in.

+1... this is hilarious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BF? You're not married. Strike. She doesn't see you as a functioning adult. She doesn't see you equal to her. In functioning. In decision making. Why is that? Are you financially independent from her? Are you completely supporting yourself? (I don't mean your "BF" supporting you). Mom worries about you. Have you given her reason to worry about you? Has she had to bail you out? She may be suffering from ptsd

Well, it looks like mom has shown up to chime in.

I'm the PP who predicts BPD in the OP"s mom. Whatever OP's shortcomings are, her mom is still personality-disordered. Whatever it is, they will twist things in their mind. Even if OP were married and financially successful, the mom would take all the credit and claim OP is ungrateful etc. Ask me how I know. You cannot reason with such a person. That's why I just decided to drop all contact and suggest OP do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BF? You're not married. Strike. She doesn't see you as a functioning adult. She doesn't see you equal to her. In functioning. In decision making. Why is that? Are you financially independent from her? Are you completely supporting yourself? (I don't mean your "BF" supporting you). Mom worries about you. Have you given her reason to worry about you? Has she had to bail you out? She may be suffering from ptsd

Well, it looks like mom has shown up to chime in.

I'm the PP who predicts BPD in the OP"s mom. Whatever OP's shortcomings are, her mom is still personality-disordered. Whatever it is, they will twist things in their mind. Even if OP were married and financially successful, the mom would take all the credit and claim OP is ungrateful etc. Ask me how I know. You cannot reason with such a person. That's why I just decided to drop all contact and suggest OP do the same.

+1000

[Anonymous]

No, you are not being a brat by setting healthy boundaries, and you deserve to prioritize yourself and your baby during this time. You are not responsible for your mom’s emotions, and you are not the cause of her pain and anguish, or whatever reaction she’s putting on you. It likely goes back to her own childhood or entail health diagnosis.

Decide what contact and frequency you can reasonably manage and stick to that.

[Anonymous]

^*mental* health diagnosis

[Anonymous]

Can you set a time to call her every other day and let her know you will call her at 9:00 and otherwise you are fine?

This is only if you want to continue the relationship. It's fine to set a harder boundary so long as you accept her childish consequences for that.

[Anonymous]

“Mom, I’m not willing to talk every day unless there is a true emergency. I will be available for short calls on Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays, or any 3 days of the week that you prefer. Barring emergencies, I can send a text or two every other day. If this doesn’t work for you and you would prefer not to have a relationship, I will respect your decision. I love you, but I do not appreciate your controlling and unreasonable behavior.”

[Anonymous]

Set healthy boundaries. She’s gonna push them to see if you’re for real but may eventually realize you mean business. Good luck, from a daughter of a narcissist mom who’s like this too.