Overbearing mother

[Anonymous]

Hello! I’m new here! So I have a VERY overbearing mother. She has always been very manipulative and emotionally draining my entire life. I have struggled to set boundaries because the times that I have, she decided we “won’t have a relationship then.” So I have just tried to keep the peace even when she’s overstepping.

My ideal relationship with my mom would be a phone call/text here and there.. 3 times a week if that? I don’t know. She calls me EVERY DAY. So I just don’t answer because I have a newborn (FTM) and the times I can call are the 15 min I have to myself to listen to music or just hear the silence. I also forget she called. So into the next day she will call again.. and again.. and again.. sometimes 5 times back to back. With a “hello??” Text. Honestly it makes me want to shut my phone off for the rest of the day. Then when I finally do answer I have to hear it... “I was so worried. You can at least text me back. You would answer if your bf called.”

How do I handle this? Should I be responding to her phone calls/texts every time out of respect? Am I being a “brat?” (Her words not mine). Please help!

[Anonymous]

I would go ahead and give her what she threatens, no relationship.

What you want is not what you are getting. It isn't worth the effort to try. She isn't interested in what you want, what you need, or your child.

[Anonymous]

What have you done to put (or try) boundaries in place?

Honestly, I’d tell her to get off my ass cuz I’m a FTM and need to take advantage of whatever alone time I can get. Then I’d put her ass on DND/silent.

[Anonymous]

And NO - you’re NOT being a brat because you don’t want to me fckin smothered.

[Anonymous]

I’d be livid. Why don’t you put her on Do not disturb or just block her number? You need every minute of that 15 minutes to yourself. What part of “first time mom” does she not understand?

You are not being unreasonable. She is the one who acts like a toddler. I’d send a text stating that you need the constant calls and texts to stop because you have a baby and yourself to care for. And you will contact her if you need her. And then I’ll block her ass and take a good long time out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What have you done to put (or try) boundaries in place?

Honestly, I’d tell her to get off my ass cuz I’m a FTM and need to take advantage of whatever alone time I can get. Then I’d put her ass on DND/silent.

OP here. 1moregoaround said:
What have you done to put (or try) boundaries in place?

Honestly, I’d…
Well the last time I really tried was when she was being really nosey about an inheritance I received from my paternal grandmother. She was asking questions and when I told her it was none of her business she spent 4 days straight arguing with me over it and that was the conclusion. I didn’t talk to her for a month and when I felt like I made my point she asked if I was over my little phase. That was a year ago and I feel as though I’m unsure where my lines all went. As for this situation and since having the baby, I honestly don’t think I’ve set any boundaries and I’m sure if/when I do she will be VERY emotional about it and maybe hold against me how much she’s helped me with the baby. It honestly is making me sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be livid. Why don’t you put her on Do not disturb or just block her number? You need every minute of that 15 minutes to yourself. What part of “first time mom” does she not understand?

You are not being unreasonable. She is the one who acts like a toddler. I’d send a text stating that you need the constant calls and texts to stop because you have a baby and yourself to care for. And you will contact her if you need her. And then I’ll block her ass and take a good long time out.

OP here. I will try that, I can guarantee she will flip a lid and make me feel really bad. She’ll probably involve my SO if I ignore her. I’m so scared to put my foot down because it was so emotionally draining before and this is her first grandchild so it’s going to be reeeally bad.

[Anonymous]

You will need healthy boundaries going forward if you want to keep a relationship with her, it better start soon otherwise she’s going to try to be a third parent to LO. She’ll feel entitled to have a say on matters regarding LO. You need to put your foot down now and give consequences for her unwanted behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will need healthy boundaries going forward if you want to keep a relationship with her, it better start soon otherwise she’s going to try to be a third parent to LO. She’ll feel entitled to have a say on matters regarding LO. You need to put your foot down now and give consequences for her unwanted behavior.

OP here. I will do this. I’m finally feeling more myself again and I do need to draw those lines again. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Your mother is mentally perturbed, and it probably stems from untreated anxiety and the notion that you're not your own person, but a dependent she needs to hector about "for their own good".

You've actually got to repeat calmly "Mom, I'm exhausted and overwhelmed right now so I will call you once a week on X day at Y time (or whatever frequency you prefer)". Make it a standing date. I Facetime my parents every Sunday at 11am. Most news keeps for a week, except my grandmother's rapid decline this week and expected demise, for which we've been in more frequent communication.

If she gets upset or huffy or whatever, that's her prerogative but nothing you need to concern yourself with. You don't control her emotions, and don't need to take them personally. Ignore as best you can. If you call and she doesn't pick up because she's giving you the silent treatment, it's HER loss, not yours. You just call the week after. If relatives call because she's complaining about you to them, you can just tell them the truth succinctly, and "hm-mm" your way to the end of those conversations.

It's all really easy... unless you're dependent in some way on your mother, financially, or if she's a gatekeeper to another relative you want to contact, like a father, grandparent or sibling. In that case, you'll have to give her just enough to get what you want

[Anonymous]

That’s weird. She shouldn’t need so many calls a week. She needs to get her own life.

I thought my mom was overbearing while growing up but now I realize she had to do everything because my father had mental issues. So it wasn’t overbearing behavior she was the primary caregiver, schedule person, in charge of the visit, cars, vacations, school or sports. She was the one caring. But as a teen I confused the two.

Your situation sounds different but never hurts to try to figure out when and where it started.

[Anonymous]

Is she triggered worse with a new baby grandchild?

I fear you might have to block her number or get a phone just fir her and tell her you check it on thursdays or something.

[Anonymous]

Start small. Tell her you don’t want to talk daily. You’ve got a lot going on. You can commit to one text a day, maybe with a picture of the baby. And one 20 min phone call per week at xx time that you will hold open.

[Anonymous]

What everyone has said about setting boundaries, OP. Tell her exactly what level of communication you're willing to have and stick to it. Let her know that if she continues to harass you, you'll stop responding for a month. Each time she breaks a boundary, extend the no contact.

Please start doing this now, OP, and stick to it. You don't deserve it and you need to establish these boundaries before she starts treating your child the same way. You should be able to enjoy this time with your child without her ruining it.

Best wishes to you, OP. Sorry you got stuck with a toxic mother.

[Anonymous]

Borderline personality disorder OP...once you learn about it, it is liberating. I’ve been no contact with my own mom since Oct 2019 and I am loving it. Helps that I live in another country and she can never find me.