Team Chemistry

[Anonymous]

I have three kids doing travel and this has only happened one year to one of them. I had basically been telling my kid to suck it up and make the situation work for him, put his head down and work hard kind of thing. When it was all vague, certain kids only pass it to one another, unfriendly teasing kind of thing, the coach didn't lift a finger. Actually, I'd say, he pretended not to see it.

But eventually I realized that there was actual real bullying going on (not with my kid--with another, but my son told me.) The bully kids were not only making fun of this one kid and constantly telling him he was the worst player on the team and that he "sucked" but also kicking his ball into trees and down hills. When I heard that, I went straight to the coach and told the other kid's parents. Long story short, when the coach intervened, it ended immediately. When the season ended, the bully kids got demoted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[b]How important is team chemistry to your DC? Does your team have it?

My DC loves playing soccer, but lately has been coming home crying. DC feels not to belong to the team, and that the coach is not doing much to address it.

As a parent I try to remain objective, and I do not know what is happening while at practice. I do see clicks among kids, and that kids are excluding other kids that do not have “playdates”.

I keep telling my DC to toughen, play this season and we will reassess for the next year. At the same time I fee that from a motivated, talented kid, I now have a kid that lost self confidence (as teammates are not passing the ball, other to their “friends”), and lost an interest in playing.

Have you had a similar situation? I just feel we are investing too much time and money to be dealing with this drama.

No offense meant here but. Every parent thinks their kid is "talented". Even if you think that most of the time its not true. So its best to keep that part to yourself. Next once you start competitive soccer you need to have your child learn to advocate for themselves. It looks bad when mommy and daddy telling the coach instead of the player addressing it. Its up to the coach and players to find a chemistry that works not the parents. Your child may need to find a team where they fit in better. We have the luxury living in this area to have an over abundance of clubs. Many choices find the right one. Reality hits for everyone at some point and you start to see my kid isn't as great as I think and there's nothing wrong with that. You just find a level where your kid can still be challenged to get better but not in over their head where they will never be good enough to be productive.

[Anonymous]

Team chemistry is one of the most important aspect of team sports. One tough kid can ruin a team. If it is really bad, then consider moving. Go practice now with other teams to see if you can get an idea of the chemistry. One thing that does help teams is off the field events. Hard to do with Covid, but that does seem to build up teams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team chemistry is one of the most important aspect of team sports. One tough kid can ruin a team. If it is really bad, then consider moving. Go practice now with other teams to see if you can get an idea of the chemistry. One thing that does help teams is off the field events. Hard to do with Covid, but that does seem to build up teams.

And when the Coach and parents (his own) don't crack down on that kid---it is a lost cause. If the kid is good, they will treat him like a prima donna and let him get away with ANYTHING.

The best teams we have been on are when a Coach sets a tone for behavior and respect at the start of the season and FOLLOWS THROUGH. If this means best kid on the team gets benched because he's been an a-hole. Then--so be it. No special treatment for anyone. All equals.

We watch a lot of old school sports movies with my kids---Hoosiers and the like that show Coaches that don't put up with BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids doing travel and this has only happened one year to one of them. I had basically been telling my kid to suck it up and make the situation work for him, put his head down and work hard kind of thing. When it was all vague, certain kids only pass it to one another, unfriendly teasing kind of thing, the coach didn't lift a finger. Actually, I'd say, he pretended not to see it.

But eventually I realized that there was actual real bullying going on (not with my kid--with another, but my son told me.) The bully kids were not only making fun of this one kid and constantly telling him he was the worst player on the team and that he "sucked" but also kicking his ball into trees and down hills. When I heard that, I went straight to the coach and told the other kid's parents. Long story short, when the coach intervened, it ended immediately. When the season ended, the bully kids got demoted.

We had one prima donna 12-year old yelling at kids on the field that they 'sucked like sh*t'...and some of these kids were top players/starters that were as good if not better. This kids was constantly getting away with stuff because the Club set a tone for lionizing this kid since he started playing. We had a talk with my own son who had been a team captain to shut this kid down. Once the other kids saw my kid standing up to him---and sticking up for all the others, there was a definite turnaround in team chemistry.

I told my kid who in the heat of the moment could be negative too--that 'look--the teammate that made a mistake already knows it. Yelling at him about it does nothing to help. A leader will tell them it's okay, shake it off and motivate their teammates'.

[Anonymous]

The MS years for boys are tough for this and it's a learning experience. Lots of hormones. I am seeing it again with my younger son. My other one is now U16 and there isn't the same BS--even on top team.

We were in one really toxic environment that the Club never addressed and they lost 5 players the following year due to it. These were really good players too. One kid was eventually kicked off the team after his dad made a death threat to the ref in a tournament. The team turned around after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids doing travel and this has only happened one year to one of them. I had basically been telling my kid to suck it up and make the situation work for him, put his head down and work hard kind of thing. When it was all vague, certain kids only pass it to one another, unfriendly teasing kind of thing, the coach didn't lift a finger. Actually, I'd say, he pretended not to see it.

But eventually I realized that there was actual real bullying going on (not with my kid--with another, but my son told me.) The bully kids were not only making fun of this one kid and constantly telling him he was the worst player on the team and that he "sucked" but also kicking his ball into trees and down hills. When I heard that, I went straight to the coach and told the other kid's parents. Long story short, when the coach intervened, it ended immediately. When the season ended, the bully kids got demoted.

How to recognize bullying?
Yes my kid gets yelled at, his ball is kicked to trees, and when we brought this up with the coach she said my DD was negative and other kids do not want to play with her. Huh?!

[Anonymous]

We had a similar issue on our team with a group of 5 kids that had played together for years. Two of them were the better kids on the team, but all 5 were just terrible kids to teammates and other team players. They only passed to each other, yelled at other kids for not passing or losing the ball (even though they lost it all the time), and were generally just annoying. One of the parents on our team brought it up to the coach and he didn't seem to care or even want to address. We left after two years and the new team we are on has been wonderful with very accepting kids. I've realized, like most things, it's all about the coach. A good coach would never let what happened on our last team go unchecked. My recommendation is to find somewhere else for next year. It's only going to get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a similar issue on our team with a group of 5 kids that had played together for years. Two of them were the better kids on the team, but all 5 were just terrible kids to teammates and other team players. They only passed to each other, yelled at other kids for not passing or losing the ball (even though they lost it all the time), and were generally just annoying. One of the parents on our team brought it up to the coach and he didn't seem to care or even want to address. We left after two years and the new team we are on has been wonderful with very accepting kids. I've realized, like most things, it's all about the coach. A good coach would never let what happened on our last team go unchecked. My recommendation is to find somewhere else for next year. It's only going to get worse.

A good coach also weeds out the the players that are helping the team succeed . Sometime you have to have A Holes to be successful. Every kid has a risk vs reward value. Its up to the coach to determine that balance. We get all up in arms when we dont win. but we rarely tell the kid he's not good enough because it will hurt their feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC is 9, and has been playing soccer since 4. This is the first year we do travel soccer, so maybe we were not prepared for this.
1. No, I think DC has regressed this year;
2. Playtime seems ok, but it looks more like running on the field time.
3. Kids simply do not pass the ball other than to the “friends”.

I guess my DC (and a few other kids) is not in the inner circle. This is the first year we have this situation; maybe it is travel level; maybe it is competitive; maybe it is about entitled kids; maybe I see the coach not managing the situation well; maybe I am exaggerating and do not understand what is going on. We tried talking to the coach but I feel it helped nothing.

Good this is an anonymous forum and I need to vent, but it hurts to see my kid crying and I do not know what to do.

Serious question: does your kid move off the ball and put self into good positions to receive passes? Does your kid check to teammates and demand the ball? I'm not talking about running up and down the field to follow the play. Also, I acknowledge at U9/U10, this is rare to see many players doing these things, but if they're simply not open or there is no passing lane they are unilikely to ever get the ball passed to them.

My DS does none of these things and while when he does touch the ball he is very effective, his number of touches while on the field is limited, and so the same players often are passing to each other and not to him as a result. He seems to be okay with this but at some point may be in for a rude awakening if his playing time diminishes and/or he gets cut in the future because of this. Fortunately he doesn't complain about not getting the ball.

Long way of saying consider what habits your DC may or many not be showing at this age and the context. The coaching can correct it, but, as is case with my DS, it hasn't--my DS simply hasn't embraced it yet or face the consequences of not embracing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC is 9, and has been playing soccer since 4. This is the first year we do travel soccer, so maybe we were not prepared for this.
1. No, I think DC has regressed this year;
2. Playtime seems ok, but it looks more like running on the field time.
3. Kids simply do not pass the ball other than to the “friends”.

I guess my DC (and a few other kids) is not in the inner circle. This is the first year we have this situation; maybe it is travel level; maybe it is competitive; maybe it is about entitled kids; maybe I see the coach not managing the situation well; maybe I am exaggerating and do not understand what is going on. We tried talking to the coach but I feel it helped nothing.

Good this is an anonymous forum and I need to vent, but it hurts to see my kid crying and I do not know what to do.

if the coach is not teaching them to make the optimal pass instead of the pass to their friends - I would find a better coach. That is not quality instruction.

[Anonymous]

see post above yours--maybe the "friend" is the optimal pass

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a similar issue on our team with a group of 5 kids that had played together for years. Two of them were the better kids on the team, but all 5 were just terrible kids to teammates and other team players. They only passed to each other, yelled at other kids for not passing or losing the ball (even though they lost it all the time), and were generally just annoying. One of the parents on our team brought it up to the coach and he didn't seem to care or even want to address. We left after two years and the new team we are on has been wonderful with very accepting kids. I've realized, like most things, it's all about the coach. A good coach would never let what happened on our last team go unchecked. My recommendation is to find somewhere else for next year. It's only going to get worse.

A good coach also weeds out the the players that are helping the team succeed . Sometime you have to have A Holes to be successful. Every kid has a risk vs reward value. Its up to the coach to determine that balance. We get all up in arms when we dont win. but we rarely tell the kid he's not good enough because it will hurt their feelings.

I get your point there and don't think you are necessarily wrong. Sometimes the A holes are needed, but it definitely was toxic and I think if the coach would have stepped in it would have been helpful. You can't change a kid from being who they are, but a coach could improve that risk/reward by having a conversation to help improve the team. In my experience those teams continue to become toxic when those kids take over. I heard from a friend that stayed on the team that the one kid told the ref to f'off in a championship and was red carded. They lost the game after being up by 1 and having to play last 15 minutes man down. Tough lesson.

[Anonymous]

even at the highest levels and in college teammates despise each other. it happens, not everyone is going to be like they were on the bumble bees in 1st grade. Coaches want the best players and those that can deal with not having all their friends on the team.

Coaches need to recognize this and address it as best they can but on a college team-not saying any of these kids will get there it is ugly, very ugly.

[Anonymous]

Wait, but my kid won a medal last weekend and other teams' kids didn't. Did they just forget to hand them out?

And coaches tell teams plenty of times they other team was better when they were. There also are kids who get cut from teams because they aren't good enough.

Where's the cancel culture in all of that again?