Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?

[Anonymous]

This is why you move away from your parents and don't tell them everything you are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why you move away from your parents and don't tell them everything you are doing.

Preach! Although they were going to visit at some point and see it. Figured I’d rip the band-aid off now. They can be pissed. That’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.

Because they love you and are worried about you.

Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.

Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.

Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.

Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.

+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.

Because they love you and are worried about you.

Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.

Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.

Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.

Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.

+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.

Oh I totally agree on that.

My dad still calls me “little girl.” Part of that is endearment, but part of that is, I think, still seeing me as a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.

Because they love you and are worried about you.

Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.

Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.

Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.

Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.

+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.

+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 34yo and my husband is 35. We have successful careers and a great kid. We own a home. We’re responsible adults.

And yet my parents apparently feel they have a say in what we do. Why? If we were doing something that was truly dangerous or awful, I’d understand, but we are not.

Latest example: DH bought a Vespa scooter to drive around the neighborhood and on rural roads near our house. He won’t take it on the highway; it can’t even really go on the highway (it tops out at 70mph). He used to use a scooter as his main form of transportation, so he has a lot of experience driving. He has a full-face helmet, armored jacket and gloves, etc.

Well, I mentioned to my parents that he bought one (probably my first mistake) and they went on and on about how irresponsible it is, and how clearly we don’t care about what they think, “but oh well.”

I just told them, “You don’t have to like it.” It’s not like we’re putting our kid on it. I’m not even going to ride on it. DH will take it out for drives on the weekends.

I’m just sick of the whole “clearly you don’t care what we think.” I’m not going to consult them on every decision my husband and I make. We are adults, not kids.

Rant over.

How old is your kid? I agree it is annoying but, I think we all will do this at one point. Even you!

She’s 4. Clearly she will not be going on the Vespa!

That is not my point. When your four year old is 34 don't you think you will feel free with your advice?

NP - if she asks for it. I consider part of my job as a parent (perhaps the most important part of being a parent) to be teaching my kids to be self-sufficient, fully formed members of society. So I'm going to try very hard not to second-guess my 30-something kids' decisions. And I certainly will try not to get passive aggressive and snippy about it.

I have a few friends whose parents are overly involved in their lives, and it's difficult to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.

Because they love you and are worried about you.

Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.

Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.

Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.

Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.

+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.

+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded

Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.

Because they love you and are worried about you.

Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.

Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.

Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.

Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.

+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.

+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded

Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.

1. A Vespa scooter is not a motorcycle.

2. I’m very sorry for your friend’s loss, but it does not mean you get to dictate your kids’ decisions.

[Anonymous]

I don't think most parents think they have a say in what their adult children do, well, unless the parents are paying for things. But I think most parents just actually have an opinion and they foolishly think their adult children might care to hear it. Older adults have seen or experienced a lot more than their adult children have and it's tough not to speak up about some things. It comes from a position of love.

[Anonymous]

I get both sides. I think with some things if you are going to depend on them if things go badly, then they want to try to prevent it.

My sister announced she was having a baby on her own with a sperm donor. She has a good job, but a difficult personality-not a temperament for raising kids. Plus, she doesn't have many friends..or a significant other or family in the area. She flipped out when anyone suggested she needed a village. Now all she does is complain. She doesn't get along with her child. She's livid at the kids therapist's suggestions. People have filed complaints about her nastiness at work. She is a complete mess and she may move in with them.

My husband and I's philosophy has always been we are adults, we make our own choices and we deal with the consequences and don't expect anyone to help if things go south.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.

Because they love you and are worried about you.

Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.

Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.

Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.

Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.

+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.

+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded

Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.

1. A Vespa scooter is not a motorcycle.

2. I’m very sorry for your friend’s loss, but it does not mean you get to dictate your kids’ decisions.

It is the same concept. It is the lack of personal protection that is at issue - same as a motorcycle. Should you be in an accident, the result would be the same.
As to #2, yes it does. Sorry, but that's parenting. I can't dictate what they do but I sure as hell will voice my opinion. I also come from a large family background where we're very close. Everyone is in everyone's business all the time so I don't get the idea that adult children think that they're entirely independent of their parents. Maybe it's a cultural thing.

That said, I don't think you want to hear anyone backing up your parents or any opinions other than, "yeah, your parents were wrong. They need to GET OUT of your life". I get this is your personal anger rant at your parents. It seems that their concerns are fairly reasonable but I don't think OP wants to hear that. So, rant away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.

Because they love you and are worried about you.

Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.

Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.

Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.

Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.

+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.

+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded

Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.

They'll say, "sure mom, I don't want you to worry." And then you'll go back home and they'll shake their head and get on the motorcycle anyway.

Kinda what happened when I went skydiving in my mid 20s - my mom absolutely freaked out at the suggestion, and I assured her I had no immediate plans to do it, which was true at the moment and appeased her. I did it six months later and only told her afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get both sides. I think with some things if you are going to depend on them if things go badly, then they want to try to prevent it.

My sister announced she was having a baby on her own with a sperm donor. She has a good job, but a difficult personality-not a temperament for raising kids. Plus, she doesn't have many friends..or a significant other or family in the area. She flipped out when anyone suggested she needed a village. Now all she does is complain. She doesn't get along with her child. She's livid at the kids therapist's suggestions. People have filed complaints about her nastiness at work. She is a complete mess and she may move in with them.

My husband and I's philosophy has always been we are adults, we make our own choices and we deal with the consequences and don't expect anyone to help if things go south.

Sure, absolutely. We are fully financially independent—we live below our means and both have steady jobs. We do not expect any help from my parents if God forbid something happened.

I mean, I’m not thrilled with the fact that my sister has a PhD in the humanities and, at the age of 31, has yet to hold a job. She’s a post-doc and is looking for full-time jobs. In the meantime, she’s dependent on her husband for income. Would not be my choice, but she’s an adult. She makes her own choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.

Because they love you and are worried about you.

Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.

Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.

Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.

Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.

+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.

+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded

Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.

1. A Vespa scooter is not a motorcycle.

2. I’m very sorry for your friend’s loss, but it does not mean you get to dictate your kids’ decisions.

It is the same concept. It is the lack of personal protection that is at issue - same as a motorcycle. Should you be in an accident, the result would be the same.
As to #2, yes it does. Sorry, but that's parenting. I can't dictate what they do but I sure as hell will voice my opinion. I also come from a large family background where we're very close. Everyone is in everyone's business all the time so I don't get the idea that adult children think that they're entirely independent of their parents. Maybe it's a cultural thing.

That said, I don't think you want to hear anyone backing up your parents or any opinions other than, "yeah, your parents were wrong. They need to GET OUT of your life". I get this is your personal anger rant at your parents. It seems that their concerns are fairly reasonable but I don't think OP wants to hear that. So, rant away.

You can voice your opinion, but yes — your adult children are independent from you. Sorry, that’s how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.

Because they love you and are worried about you.

Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.

Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.

Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.

Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.

+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.

+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded

Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.

1. A Vespa scooter is not a motorcycle.

2. I’m very sorry for your friend’s loss, but it does not mean you get to dictate your kids’ decisions.

It is the same concept. It is the lack of personal protection that is at issue - same as a motorcycle. Should you be in an accident, the result would be the same.
As to #2, yes it does. Sorry, but that's parenting. I can't dictate what they do but I sure as hell will voice my opinion. I also come from a large family background where we're very close. Everyone is in everyone's business all the time so I don't get the idea that adult children think that they're entirely independent of their parents. Maybe it's a cultural thing.

That said, I don't think you want to hear anyone backing up your parents or any opinions other than, "yeah, your parents were wrong. They need to GET OUT of your life". I get this is your personal anger rant at your parents. It seems that their concerns are fairly reasonable but I don't think OP wants to hear that. So, rant away.

You can voice your opinion, but yes — your adult children are independent from you. Sorry, that’s how it works.

If you are white, yes. 100%. There is no family structure there so I'd absolutely agree with you.