Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.

Because they love you and are worried about you.

Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.

Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.

Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.

Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.

+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.

+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded

Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.

1. A Vespa scooter is not a motorcycle.

2. I’m very sorry for your friend’s loss, but it does not mean you get to dictate your kids’ decisions.

It is the same concept. It is the lack of personal protection that is at issue - same as a motorcycle. Should you be in an accident, the result would be the same.
As to #2, yes it does. Sorry, but that's parenting. I can't dictate what they do but I sure as hell will voice my opinion. I also come from a large family background where we're very close. Everyone is in everyone's business all the time so I don't get the idea that adult children think that they're entirely independent of their parents. Maybe it's a cultural thing.

That said, I don't think you want to hear anyone backing up your parents or any opinions other than, "yeah, your parents were wrong. They need to GET OUT of your life". I get this is your personal anger rant at your parents. It seems that their concerns are fairly reasonable but I don't think OP wants to hear that. So, rant away.

You can voice your opinion, but yes — your adult children are independent from you. Sorry, that’s how it works.

If you are white, yes. 100%. There is no family structure there so I'd absolutely agree with you.

The way you worded that last sentence is pretty much racist stereotyping but then I think you know that and intended it that way.

I would agree that many white families do not value the very close relationships some other cultures have but it is also true that many of the young people in those other cultures do not really value that dynamic either. Especially when it involves freely telling each other what to do as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 34yo and my husband is 35. We have successful careers and a great kid. We own a home. We’re responsible adults.

And yet my parents apparently feel they have a say in what we do. Why? If we were doing something that was truly dangerous or awful, I’d understand, but we are not.

Latest example: DH bought a Vespa scooter to drive around the neighborhood and on rural roads near our house. He won’t take it on the highway; it can’t even really go on the highway (it tops out at 70mph). He used to use a scooter as his main form of transportation, so he has a lot of experience driving. He has a full-face helmet, armored jacket and gloves, etc.

Well, I mentioned to my parents that he bought one (probably my first mistake) and they went on and on about how irresponsible it is, and how clearly we don’t care about what they think, “but oh well.”

I just told them, “You don’t have to like it.” It’s not like we’re putting our kid on it. I’m not even going to ride on it. DH will take it out for drives on the weekends.

I’m just sick of the whole “clearly you don’t care what we think.” I’m not going to consult them on every decision my husband and I make. We are adults, not kids.

Rant over.

dONOR CYcLE!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 34yo and my husband is 35. We have successful careers and a great kid. We own a home. We’re responsible adults.

And yet my parents apparently feel they have a say in what we do. Why? If we were doing something that was truly dangerous or awful, I’d understand, but we are not.

Latest example: DH bought a Vespa scooter to drive around the neighborhood and on rural roads near our house. He won’t take it on the highway; it can’t even really go on the highway (it tops out at 70mph). He used to use a scooter as his main form of transportation, so he has a lot of experience driving. He has a full-face helmet, armored jacket and gloves, etc.

Well, I mentioned to my parents that he bought one (probably my first mistake) and they went on and on about how irresponsible it is, and how clearly we don’t care about what they think, “but oh well.”

I just told them, “You don’t have to like it.” It’s not like we’re putting our kid on it. I’m not even going to ride on it. DH will take it out for drives on the weekends.

I’m just sick of the whole “clearly you don’t care what we think.” I’m not going to consult them on every decision my husband and I make. We are adults, not kids.

Rant over.

dONOR CYcLE!!

? Is this a reference to organ donation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.

Because they love you and are worried about you.

Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.

Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.

Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.

Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.

+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.

+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded

Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.

You think this is evidence of a very close, healthy family, but it's actually terribly dysfunctional. I know I'll never convince you of that, of course . . . but that's just another symptom of the lack of boundaries.

I laughed out loud at this post. If you think keeping kids off of a motorcycle is terribly dysfunctional, I'd say that your grasp on reality is wanting. It's a dangerous vehicle which has high incidences of death when in accidents. This is not keeping kids from going on spring break or majoring in art history. Secondly, I've at no point come to DCUM to rant and rail against my parents. I've not moaned about my relationship with them and/or how they are in or out of my life. So tell me again about family dysfunction, OP.

This post is not talking about keeping kids off a motorcycle. You are talking about undermining the decisions of adults - adults that you raised, by the way. That fact that said adults are your children does not make them "kids."

And I did tell you about your family dysfunction - it's the lack of appropriate boundaries that you revel in.

[Anonymous]

Honor thy father and thy mother is one of the commandments. Clearly your supposed to listen to them your entire life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 34yo and my husband is 35. We have successful careers and a great kid. We own a home. We’re responsible adults.

And yet my parents apparently feel they have a say in what we do. Why? If we were doing something that was truly dangerous or awful, I’d understand, but we are not.

Latest example: DH bought a Vespa scooter to drive around the neighborhood and on rural roads near our house. He won’t take it on the highway; it can’t even really go on the highway (it tops out at 70mph). He used to use a scooter as his main form of transportation, so he has a lot of experience driving. He has a full-face helmet, armored jacket and gloves, etc.

Well, I mentioned to my parents that he bought one (probably my first mistake) and they went on and on about how irresponsible it is, and how clearly we don’t care about what they think, “but oh well.”

I just told them, “You don’t have to like it.” It’s not like we’re putting our kid on it. I’m not even going to ride on it. DH will take it out for drives on the weekends.

I’m just sick of the whole “clearly you don’t care what we think.” I’m not going to consult them on every decision my husband and I make. We are adults, not kids.

Rant over.

Rant away. But then ignore. Parents do this b/c, well, you're their child. It's habit, concern, or whatever.

This is not a problem.

[Anonymous]

OP what you cited was nothing in the grand scheme of annoying things parents do. My parents thought they could tell me when to get married (staying single was not an option) and when to have kids. It strained our relationship for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what you cited was nothing in the grand scheme of annoying things parents do. My parents thought they could tell me when to get married (staying single was not an option) and when to have kids. It strained our relationship for years.

OP here. Wow, I’m so sorry.

My parents told me to divorce DH when he got a diagnosis of MS. Don’t know which one is worse, but I’m really sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what you cited was nothing in the grand scheme of annoying things parents do. My parents thought they could tell me when to get married (staying single was not an option) and when to have kids. It strained our relationship for years.

OP here. Wow, I’m so sorry.

My parents told me to divorce DH when he got a diagnosis of MS. Don’t know which one is worse, but I’m really sorry.

First, that’s an awful thing for them to say, far worse than the scooter advice you don’t want. I’d have a hard time respecting people who gave me that advice. Second, perhaps they infantilize you because you were fine with them doing things like paying for your vacations well into your adulthood. If it’s fine for them to treat you like a child in some respects, why not in others. Nothing is ever free.

[Anonymous]

Your parents sound difficult but you sound really dense about the risks of a scooter. They are not all that different from a motorcycle despite your repeated attempts to make it seem like they are night and day. That’s weird. Just own your dumb choice. But if you have any friends who work in the ER maybe ask them if the motorcycle vs scooter argument is compelling! (Spoiler: it’s not, dummy.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents sound difficult but you sound really dense about the risks of a scooter. They are not all that different from a motorcycle despite your repeated attempts to make it seem like they are night and day. That’s weird. Just own your dumb choice. But if you have any friends who work in the ER maybe ask them if the motorcycle vs scooter argument is compelling! (Spoiler: it’s not, dummy.)

There are differences. In some ways motorcycles are safer; in some ways they’re not. But a 150cc scooter is absolutely different than a motorcycle that can go 140mph.

Doesn’t make a scooter safe and that wasn’t my point. It only makes it different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what you cited was nothing in the grand scheme of annoying things parents do. My parents thought they could tell me when to get married (staying single was not an option) and when to have kids. It strained our relationship for years.

OP here. Wow, I’m so sorry.

My parents told me to divorce DH when he got a diagnosis of MS. Don’t know which one is worse, but I’m really sorry.

First, that’s an awful thing for them to say, far worse than the scooter advice you don’t want. I’d have a hard time respecting people who gave me that advice. Second, perhaps they infantilize you because you were fine with them doing things like paying for your vacations well into your adulthood. If it’s fine for them to treat you like a child in some respects, why not in others. Nothing is ever free.

Sigh. You’re probably right. No such thing as a free lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.

Because they love you and are worried about you.

Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.

Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.

Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.

Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.

+1, especially the "old habits die hard" part. Many parents have trouble seeing their adult child as a grownup. My parents openly tell me they still see me (40 year old CPA and married mother of two) as that same pigtailed 6 year old in the photo on their mantel.

+2, OP will definitely do the same when she is older. Her kids will be on a similar forum complaining. We all do it. It's part of the cycle. In short, they do it to annoy you. And they have succeeded

Plus, I'll say right now that I will never let my kids on a motorcycle. I don't care how old they are. They can be 50 and I'll drag my 80 year old butt over there to scream at them. A dear friend was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle. It was a brutal death. To this day, I will never forget the sound of his mother screaming, and it is why I purposefully break the engine of any motorcycle my kids ever try to buy. They'll always be your babies.

What are you going to do, disown your 45YO?

If they want a motorcycle, they'll buy one and hide it from you. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

“We do care what you think. We listen and consider what you say. But I’m the end we make our own decisions. It doesn’t mean we don’t care what you think, because otherwise WE could turn it around and say YOU don’t care what WE think. But we know that’s not true.”

[Anonymous]

One thing I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older is that age does not equal wisdom. A lot of the advice my parents gave me over the years was wrong, if not totally counterproductive.

My dad has always had a distrust of stocks, for example, so he kept his 401k in bonds and money market accounts (with crappy returns). If I’d followed his advice, my retirement account would probably be half of what it is today.