Why do parents feel they have a say in the choices their adult children make?

[Anonymous]

I am 34yo and my husband is 35. We have successful careers and a great kid. We own a home. We’re responsible adults.

And yet my parents apparently feel they have a say in what we do. Why? If we were doing something that was truly dangerous or awful, I’d understand, but we are not.

Latest example: DH bought a Vespa scooter to drive around the neighborhood and on rural roads near our house. He won’t take it on the highway; it can’t even really go on the highway (it tops out at 70mph). He used to use a scooter as his main form of transportation, so he has a lot of experience driving. He has a full-face helmet, armored jacket and gloves, etc.

Well, I mentioned to my parents that he bought one (probably my first mistake) and they went on and on about how irresponsible it is, and how clearly we don’t care about what they think, “but oh well.”

I just told them, “You don’t have to like it.” It’s not like we’re putting our kid on it. I’m not even going to ride on it. DH will take it out for drives on the weekends.

I’m just sick of the whole “clearly you don’t care what we think.” I’m not going to consult them on every decision my husband and I make. We are adults, not kids.

Rant over.

[Anonymous]

When I was a teenager I tore a ligament and ended up in the hospital for several days. My hospital roommate was a guy in his 20s who'd been in a motorcycle accident. He was in excruciating pain and it left quite an impression on me that the fun associated with riding a scooter or motorcycle might come at a high cost. So if my kid mentioned that he was buying a Vespa or thinking about it I'd have a hard time not sharing that story again, but at the end of the day it wouldn't be my decision. Adult children are responsible for their own decisions just like other adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was a teenager I tore a ligament and ended up in the hospital for several days. My hospital roommate was a guy in his 20s who'd been in a motorcycle accident. He was in excruciating pain and it left quite an impression on me that the fun associated with riding a scooter or motorcycle might come at a high cost. So if my kid mentioned that he was buying a Vespa or thinking about it I'd have a hard time not sharing that story again, but at the end of the day it wouldn't be my decision. Adult children are responsible for their own decisions just like other adults.

I’m sorry that happened to him.

Motorcycles—especially ones that go on the highway—are a bit of a different story than a scooter that is only used on sparsely driven side roads, but I understand your personal reservations.

[Anonymous]

Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.

Because they love you and are worried about you.

Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.

Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.

Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.

Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.

Because they love you and are worried about you.

Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.

Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.

Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.

Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.

Sure, I get that. What’s ironic is that they have zero problem supporting my downhill skiing habit — hell, my dad paid for ski trips for me as late as when I was in my mid-20s and had a job. I think this comes down to perception of relative danger as opposed to actual danger, since downhill skiing is a pretty dangerous sport (especially the way I ski, which isn’t exactly on bunny slopes).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 34yo and my husband is 35. We have successful careers and a great kid. We own a home. We’re responsible adults.

And yet my parents apparently feel they have a say in what we do. Why? If we were doing something that was truly dangerous or awful, I’d understand, but we are not.

Latest example: DH bought a Vespa scooter to drive around the neighborhood and on rural roads near our house. He won’t take it on the highway; it can’t even really go on the highway (it tops out at 70mph). He used to use a scooter as his main form of transportation, so he has a lot of experience driving. He has a full-face helmet, armored jacket and gloves, etc.

Well, I mentioned to my parents that he bought one (probably my first mistake) and they went on and on about how irresponsible it is, and how clearly we don’t care about what they think, “but oh well.”

I just told them, “You don’t have to like it.” It’s not like we’re putting our kid on it. I’m not even going to ride on it. DH will take it out for drives on the weekends.

I’m just sick of the whole “clearly you don’t care what we think.” I’m not going to consult them on every decision my husband and I make. We are adults, not kids.

Rant over.

at least that means that like their SiL. They could have been perfectly and just asked you to double check that he's responsible enough to be an organ donor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because old habits die hard. They had a say in what you did -- indeed, they were responsible for your safety and well-being -- for two decades, give or take.

Because they love you and are worried about you.

Because they are afraid of something bad happening to you.

Because it's really hard to watch people make mistakes, or what you think are mistakes, and not say anything.

Because they want to share their experience and wisdom with you.

Because they feel like no one values their experience and wisdom any more.

Sure, I get that. What’s ironic is that they have zero problem supporting my downhill skiing habit — hell, my dad paid for ski trips for me as late as when I was in my mid-20s and had a job. I think this comes down to perception of relative danger as opposed to actual danger, since downhill skiing is a pretty dangerous sport (especially the way I ski, which isn’t exactly on bunny slopes).

Eh, people aren't always perfectly rational. You surely have some hang-up that isn't 100 percent consistent with the actual risk. They can't actually stop you doing what you want, so just take their comments as an expression of concern and love and brush off the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 34yo and my husband is 35. We have successful careers and a great kid. We own a home. We’re responsible adults.

And yet my parents apparently feel they have a say in what we do. Why? If we were doing something that was truly dangerous or awful, I’d understand, but we are not.

Latest example: DH bought a Vespa scooter to drive around the neighborhood and on rural roads near our house. He won’t take it on the highway; it can’t even really go on the highway (it tops out at 70mph). He used to use a scooter as his main form of transportation, so he has a lot of experience driving. He has a full-face helmet, armored jacket and gloves, etc.

Well, I mentioned to my parents that he bought one (probably my first mistake) and they went on and on about how irresponsible it is, and how clearly we don’t care about what they think, “but oh well.”

I just told them, “You don’t have to like it.” It’s not like we’re putting our kid on it. I’m not even going to ride on it. DH will take it out for drives on the weekends.

I’m just sick of the whole “clearly you don’t care what we think.” I’m not going to consult them on every decision my husband and I make. We are adults, not kids.

Rant over.

at least that means that like their SiL. They could have been perfectly and just asked you to double check that he's responsible enough to be an organ donor

Ha! That’s true.

FWIW he is an organ donor.

[Anonymous]

Generally I agree with you and your parents sound unreasonable but your example of the scooter isn’t very compelling. —worked on a trauma unit for years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Generally I agree with you and your parents sound unreasonable but your example of the scooter isn’t very compelling. —worked on a trauma unit for years

I appreciate your perspective on it. I really do. One could apply that to a lot of relatively dangerous sports (skiing, hardcore skateboarding, bungee jumping, etc.).

People just have different risk tolerances. For me, a firm condition of him buying it was that it could not go on the highway. Maybe that’s just my irrational sense of risk, but I feel more comfortable with him on side roads than on the Beltway.

[Anonymous]

Probably a fear of the unknown. They know downhill skiing can be done safely and accept the risks because they are skiers. If they don’t know anything about scooters, they probably inflate the risk. I myself am a downhill skier but would be fearful if my loved one wanted to buy a motorcycle for example. I agree your parents are over-reacting, but if they leave it alone after voicing their opinion once, I would shrug it off to them being concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 34yo and my husband is 35. We have successful careers and a great kid. We own a home. We’re responsible adults.

And yet my parents apparently feel they have a say in what we do. Why? If we were doing something that was truly dangerous or awful, I’d understand, but we are not.

Latest example: DH bought a Vespa scooter to drive around the neighborhood and on rural roads near our house. He won’t take it on the highway; it can’t even really go on the highway (it tops out at 70mph). He used to use a scooter as his main form of transportation, so he has a lot of experience driving. He has a full-face helmet, armored jacket and gloves, etc.

Well, I mentioned to my parents that he bought one (probably my first mistake) and they went on and on about how irresponsible it is, and how clearly we don’t care about what they think, “but oh well.”

I just told them, “You don’t have to like it.” It’s not like we’re putting our kid on it. I’m not even going to ride on it. DH will take it out for drives on the weekends.

I’m just sick of the whole “clearly you don’t care what we think.” I’m not going to consult them on every decision my husband and I make. We are adults, not kids.

Rant over.

How old is your kid? I agree it is annoying but, I think we all will do this at one point. Even you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 34yo and my husband is 35. We have successful careers and a great kid. We own a home. We’re responsible adults.

And yet my parents apparently feel they have a say in what we do. Why? If we were doing something that was truly dangerous or awful, I’d understand, but we are not.

Latest example: DH bought a Vespa scooter to drive around the neighborhood and on rural roads near our house. He won’t take it on the highway; it can’t even really go on the highway (it tops out at 70mph). He used to use a scooter as his main form of transportation, so he has a lot of experience driving. He has a full-face helmet, armored jacket and gloves, etc.

Well, I mentioned to my parents that he bought one (probably my first mistake) and they went on and on about how irresponsible it is, and how clearly we don’t care about what they think, “but oh well.”

I just told them, “You don’t have to like it.” It’s not like we’re putting our kid on it. I’m not even going to ride on it. DH will take it out for drives on the weekends.

I’m just sick of the whole “clearly you don’t care what we think.” I’m not going to consult them on every decision my husband and I make. We are adults, not kids.

Rant over.

How old is your kid? I agree it is annoying but, I think we all will do this at one point. Even you!

She’s 4. Clearly she will not be going on the Vespa!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 34yo and my husband is 35. We have successful careers and a great kid. We own a home. We’re responsible adults.

And yet my parents apparently feel they have a say in what we do. Why? If we were doing something that was truly dangerous or awful, I’d understand, but we are not.

Latest example: DH bought a Vespa scooter to drive around the neighborhood and on rural roads near our house. He won’t take it on the highway; it can’t even really go on the highway (it tops out at 70mph). He used to use a scooter as his main form of transportation, so he has a lot of experience driving. He has a full-face helmet, armored jacket and gloves, etc.

Well, I mentioned to my parents that he bought one (probably my first mistake) and they went on and on about how irresponsible it is, and how clearly we don’t care about what they think, “but oh well.”

I just told them, “You don’t have to like it.” It’s not like we’re putting our kid on it. I’m not even going to ride on it. DH will take it out for drives on the weekends.

I’m just sick of the whole “clearly you don’t care what we think.” I’m not going to consult them on every decision my husband and I make. We are adults, not kids.

Rant over.

How old is your kid? I agree it is annoying but, I think we all will do this at one point. Even you!

She’s 4. Clearly she will not be going on the Vespa!

That is not my point. When your four year old is 34 don't you think you will feel free with your advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 34yo and my husband is 35. We have successful careers and a great kid. We own a home. We’re responsible adults.

And yet my parents apparently feel they have a say in what we do. Why? If we were doing something that was truly dangerous or awful, I’d understand, but we are not.

Latest example: DH bought a Vespa scooter to drive around the neighborhood and on rural roads near our house. He won’t take it on the highway; it can’t even really go on the highway (it tops out at 70mph). He used to use a scooter as his main form of transportation, so he has a lot of experience driving. He has a full-face helmet, armored jacket and gloves, etc.

Well, I mentioned to my parents that he bought one (probably my first mistake) and they went on and on about how irresponsible it is, and how clearly we don’t care about what they think, “but oh well.”

I just told them, “You don’t have to like it.” It’s not like we’re putting our kid on it. I’m not even going to ride on it. DH will take it out for drives on the weekends.

I’m just sick of the whole “clearly you don’t care what we think.” I’m not going to consult them on every decision my husband and I make. We are adults, not kids.

Rant over.

How old is your kid? I agree it is annoying but, I think we all will do this at one point. Even you!

She’s 4. Clearly she will not be going on the Vespa!

That is not my point. When your four year old is 34 don't you think you will feel free with your advice?

TBH I probably will. Even though I want to think I won’t.