Life is built on a house of cards

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your family capable of helping? Parents may be dealing with their own issues, especially health issues that come with aging and may not be able to help.

Op here - yes parents can help. They are young (early 60s) and capable and willing. Mom already watches the kids for a week or two a year during the summer. Extended family helps with kids as well.

Then why not go live near them if you can?

+1 If you are living in a transient area where the connections are very difficult to form, but you also have loving, young (!) and helpful grandparents/relatives who could help you, I'd seriously consider moving if the job situation would allow it and the educational options for your kids is acceptable (two big conditions).

[Anonymous]

stomach virus is tough. I can remember getting the kids through it and then lying on the bathroom floor myself all night and then having to get it together in the morning to function. Parenting has some tough moments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life here in DC seemingly is built on a house of cards. We are doing okay day to day but when one major catastrophe hits we are thrown for a loop and it takes us weeks to recover. I think this is mostly due to the fact that we have no family help in the area. We have friends and neighbors but family help is completely different. Obviously we are all stuck home right now with the pandemic but we also recently had a stomach virus that wreaked havoc on our family and I realized that we have nobody to help when push comes to shove.

My family lives 6 hours away and DH's family isn't really of any help. Has this past year made you realize it might be worth it to move closer to family? My whole family lives in the same place, grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins. We would have a ton of help if we moved to my hometown but I am reluctant to uproot our whole family (3 kids - 1 in kindergarten) to somewhere I haven't lived since I was 18.

No. Our friends are like family. We absolutely have friends who would drop off soup, tissues, and ice pops if needed. Just because you're biologically related to people doesn't mean they're good people for you to be around. If you don't have friends or neighbors who would help you out a bit then that means you're not doing those things for friends or neighbors either.

[Anonymous]

Could anyone that says this is a transient area, just go ahead and move back to wherever you came from already? I am weary of hearing all the complaining. Decide if you’re going to put down roots here or not and then go from there.

[Anonymous]

Remember nothing is free. You will get more help but there will be more obligations. Some of which you may love, some may be burdensome.

[Anonymous]

I have a sibling like you OP and I resent the whole “help me, I have kids” spiel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life here in DC seemingly is built on a house of cards. We are doing okay day to day but when one major catastrophe hits we are thrown for a loop and it takes us weeks to recover. I think this is mostly due to the fact that we have no family help in the area. We have friends and neighbors but family help is completely different. Obviously we are all stuck home right now with the pandemic but we also recently had a stomach virus that wreaked havoc on our family and I realized that we have nobody to help when push comes to shove.

My family lives 6 hours away and DH's family isn't really of any help. Has this past year made you realize it might be worth it to move closer to family? My whole family lives in the same place, grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins. We would have a ton of help if we moved to my hometown but I am reluctant to uproot our whole family (3 kids - 1 in kindergarten) to somewhere I haven't lived since I was 18.

You don’t have to be near family, but moving to a smaller city with a lower cost of living and less traffic would help a lot. That’s what we did. We can afford a bigger house now, a 2nd car, and a nanny, plus weekend babysitters. Life is much better than when we lived in the DMV.

+1. We also left the DMV searching for this and our lives are waaay better.

[Anonymous]

We have paid help.

[Anonymous]

What could family have done for a stomach virus had they been closer? I would never want to knowingly get my parents sick, so I wouldn’t have them come over. I guess they could drop off some Gatorade and ice pops. But don’t you have any friends or neighbors willing to do that? We’re close with our neighbors who have same aged kids, so we rely on each other in a pinch. I’d happily drop off some food/medicine to a sick friend/neighbor who lives near by. Worst case there is instacart.

I get the draw to be near family, I do. I miss my parents a lot and when they visit they are amazing with babysitting so we can have a night out, helping out around the house, etc. But I just don’t want to move back down south for so many reasons.

Like a PP said, get involved here and form your own support network. Remember it goes both ways so offer to help others when they’re in need. As a last resort, order things online.

[Anonymous]

Op here - yes we of course have neighbors and friends who can help with grocery drop offs and whatnot but in reality nothing beats family. At least my family when push comes to shove. We doing monthly birthday get togethers even though the “kids” are all in their 20s and 30s now. We do big sleep over Christmases. I wish we could move closer but are here because of DHs job. I think the pandemic has really brought this to the forefront. We have only interacted with my family (covid testing beforehand) since the pandemic has started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - yes we of course have neighbors and friends who can help with grocery drop offs and whatnot but in reality nothing beats family. At least my family when push comes to shove. We doing monthly birthday get togethers even though the “kids” are all in their 20s and 30s now. We do big sleep over Christmases. I wish we could move closer but are here because of DHs job. I think the pandemic has really brought this to the forefront. We have only interacted with my family (covid testing beforehand) since the pandemic has started.

And to clarify - “we do monthly birthday parties” means those of us who live close by. I don’t get to go to these get togethers because we are 6 hours away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - yes we of course have neighbors and friends who can help with grocery drop offs and whatnot but in reality nothing beats family. At least my family when push comes to shove. We doing monthly birthday get togethers even though the “kids” are all in their 20s and 30s now. We do big sleep over Christmases. I wish we could move closer but are here because of DHs job. I think the pandemic has really brought this to the forefront. We have only interacted with my family (covid testing beforehand) since the pandemic has started.

And to clarify - “we do monthly birthday parties” means those of us who live close by. I don’t get to go to these get togethers because we are 6 hours away.

That’s no different than many of us right now. Remember, this is not forever. It’s a temporary discomfort.

[Anonymous]

Family nearby doesn’t equal substantial help. My parents live 30 min away and all they did when my kid was born was bring over takeout and hold the baby for 15 min. My friends did more for me than that. And I don’t expect anything more. They give what they can abs that’s fine. They already raised 2 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life here in DC seemingly is built on a house of cards. We are doing okay day to day but when one major catastrophe hits we are thrown for a loop and it takes us weeks to recover. I think this is mostly due to the fact that we have no family help in the area. We have friends and neighbors but family help is completely different. Obviously we are all stuck home right now with the pandemic but we also recently had a stomach virus that wreaked havoc on our family and I realized that we have nobody to help when push comes to shove.

My family lives 6 hours away and DH's family isn't really of any help. Has this past year made you realize it might be worth it to move closer to family? My whole family lives in the same place, grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins. We would have a ton of help if we moved to my hometown but I am reluctant to uproot our whole family (3 kids - 1 in kindergarten) to somewhere I haven't lived since I was 18.

So you really just want free babysitting and house cleaning. Family owes you nothing.

[Anonymous]

I do often wish we had a more reliable support network but not enough to live near our families, which honestly are less help than I think people expect. As a PP pointed out, there are also a lot of obligations that come with it. And for me, my family has a lot of crazy that I am happy to be far away from. Even when I talk to them on the phone, there’s this edge of anxiety that they all have, all these unresolved issues that no one addresses but infect everything. No thank you. I will take my distance and therapist, please.

But the issue with friends and neighbors is that while we help each other, the threshold for help is high. We just don’t have a culture of everyday help. Oh sure, we shovel the sidewalks of older neighbors and do neighborhood cleanups. But in order to invoke an “I need help” you need to have cancer or a new baby or a death in the family. Which we have had, and people stepped up and I was so appreciative. But the more mundane help OP is talking about? It happens, but it’s awkward to ask and you need to be very careful not to overburden others. Everyone is strapped for time and energy. It’s tough.

You have to be resilient in this world. I’m a “all feelings are valid” person so I’d never fault anyone for complaining or wondering, like OP, if there’s a better way. But in the end, the only person you can guarantee is going to show up for you is you.