Life is built on a house of cards

[Anonymous]

Life here in DC seemingly is built on a house of cards. We are doing okay day to day but when one major catastrophe hits we are thrown for a loop and it takes us weeks to recover. I think this is mostly due to the fact that we have no family help in the area. We have friends and neighbors but family help is completely different. Obviously we are all stuck home right now with the pandemic but we also recently had a stomach virus that wreaked havoc on our family and I realized that we have nobody to help when push comes to shove.

My family lives 6 hours away and DH's family isn't really of any help. Has this past year made you realize it might be worth it to move closer to family? My whole family lives in the same place, grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins. We would have a ton of help if we moved to my hometown but I am reluctant to uproot our whole family (3 kids - 1 in kindergarten) to somewhere I haven't lived since I was 18.

[Anonymous]

I think this is just a signal to you that you need to invest more in your neighborhood or other local friendships, and create that sense of community you need. I haven't lived in my hometown since high school and DH's parents live several states away. We prioritized making those friendships over the years, even though we are both pretty introverted people. We volunteer in the community, joined a church, were active in the newcomers club in our town when we arrived, served as Girl Scout troop leader etc. The type of friends that you can count on when you are sick take a lot of effort in the beginning and time to develop. Family doesn't have to fill all those helping roles, but when it comes to non-family, it does mean you have to give as much as you take, if that makes sense.

Another thing to keep in mind is that for some people, even living near relatives doesn't mean those relatives are necessarily warm helpful people who help out, whether with the kids or when you are sick.

[Anonymous]

I moved closer to family thinking the same. We don't see them much and they are not really there to help. Like the PP said, develop friendships.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we plan to move this year. DH is interviewing now. We would still be a plane ride away from one set of grandparents, but the other set would be within a 5 hour drive. I never bought that “It takes a village!” feel good stuff, but I did grow up with cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents within a couple of hours and I want that for my kid too.

[Anonymous]

I think in general people in my age range don’t value staying close to family enough (I’m a millennial). Your neighbors are never going to become as helpful as extended family. Unless your extended family sucks, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life here in DC seemingly is built on a house of cards. We are doing okay day to day but when one major catastrophe hits we are thrown for a loop and it takes us weeks to recover. I think this is mostly due to the fact that we have no family help in the area. We have friends and neighbors but family help is completely different. Obviously we are all stuck home right now with the pandemic but we also recently had a stomach virus that wreaked havoc on our family and I realized that we have nobody to help when push comes to shove.

My family lives 6 hours away and DH's family isn't really of any help. Has this past year made you realize it might be worth it to move closer to family? My whole family lives in the same place, grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins. We would have a ton of help if we moved to my hometown but I am reluctant to uproot our whole family (3 kids - 1 in kindergarten) to somewhere I haven't lived since I was 18.

If you are able to recover in weeks after major catastrophe, you are doing better than most people here and anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Stomach virus is a major catastrophe?

[Anonymous]

OP here - no its not just a stomach virus - a series of unfortunate events have happened this year that have made me re-think living so far from home.

Also we have had many very close friends in the DC area but they have all moved away for some reason or another. It is a very transient area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life here in DC seemingly is built on a house of cards. We are doing okay day to day but when one major catastrophe hits we are thrown for a loop and it takes us weeks to recover. I think this is mostly due to the fact that we have no family help in the area. We have friends and neighbors but family help is completely different. Obviously we are all stuck home right now with the pandemic but we also recently had a stomach virus that wreaked havoc on our family and I realized that we have nobody to help when push comes to shove.

My family lives 6 hours away and DH's family isn't really of any help. Has this past year made you realize it might be worth it to move closer to family? My whole family lives in the same place, grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins. We would have a ton of help if we moved to my hometown but I am reluctant to uproot our whole family (3 kids - 1 in kindergarten) to somewhere I haven't lived since I was 18.

You don’t have to be near family, but moving to a smaller city with a lower cost of living and less traffic would help a lot. That’s what we did. We can afford a bigger house now, a 2nd car, and a nanny, plus weekend babysitters. Life is much better than when we lived in the DMV.

[Anonymous]

Is your family capable of helping? Parents may be dealing with their own issues, especially health issues that come with aging and may not be able to help.

[Anonymous]

My family, who lived 5 minutes away, rarely helped my parents with anything when we were younger. Just depends on your family.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. This last year has made me consider moving near my family in a way that I never contemplated before. And, that's saying something, because they live an hour west of Indianapolis, a.k.a the middle of nowhere.

But, we won't, because DH cannot do his job remotely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your family capable of helping? Parents may be dealing with their own issues, especially health issues that come with aging and may not be able to help.

Op here - yes parents can help. They are young (early 60s) and capable and willing. Mom already watches the kids for a week or two a year during the summer. Extended family helps with kids as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - no its not just a stomach virus - a series of unfortunate events have happened this year that have made me re-think living so far from home.

Also we have had many very close friends in the DC area but they have all moved away for some reason or another. It is a very transient area.

Same. Or have moved so far out that we just don't see them like we used to, and certainly can't help eachother easily in emergency situations. I find this area to be exhausting in terms of forming more than casual friendships.

We wouldn't move to where DH's family is for a few reasons, but I wouldn't mind being closer to my family. But the job situation is tricky. So we just stay here and spin our wheels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your family capable of helping? Parents may be dealing with their own issues, especially health issues that come with aging and may not be able to help.

Op here - yes parents can help. They are young (early 60s) and capable and willing. Mom already watches the kids for a week or two a year during the summer. Extended family helps with kids as well.

Then why not go live near them if you can?