Life is built on a house of cards

[Anonymous]

DH and I have thought many, many, many times about moving closer to family. This past year has driven home that we need to stay a comfortable distance. We have grown away from our families. I am an only child, and was never close to extended family. So, its less of an issue for me. DH has siblings and a large extended family. At one point years ago we seriously thought about and tried to move closer to family (both families are relatively close to each other). We rely on my salary and I would have to take a serious pay cut to move closer to extended family. I seriously doubted that DH's family would actually help. They talk a lot about family, but I haven't actually seen them acting like a family beyond their own immediate family bubble. This past year with the pandemic and the volatile political and social environment has made us realize that moving closer to family wouldn't work for the people we are now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think in general people in my age range don’t value staying close to family enough (I’m a millennial). Your neighbors are never going to become as helpful as extended family. Unless your extended family sucks, I guess.

Your neighbors aren't going to add drama and conflict to your life either- as extended family often does. The help from family isn't worth everything else that comes with living close IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do often wish we had a more reliable support network but not enough to live near our families, which honestly are less help than I think people expect. As a PP pointed out, there are also a lot of obligations that come with it. And for me, my family has a lot of crazy that I am happy to be far away from. Even when I talk to them on the phone, there’s this edge of anxiety that they all have, all these unresolved issues that no one addresses but infect everything. No thank you. I will take my distance and therapist, please.

But the issue with friends and neighbors is that while we help each other, the threshold for help is high. We just don’t have a culture of everyday help. Oh sure, we shovel the sidewalks of older neighbors and do neighborhood cleanups. But in order to invoke an “I need help” you need to have cancer or a new baby or a death in the family. Which we have had, and people stepped up and I was so appreciative. But the more mundane help OP is talking about? It happens, but it’s awkward to ask and you need to be very careful not to overburden others. Everyone is strapped for time and energy. It’s tough.

You have to be resilient in this world. I’m a “all feelings are valid” person so I’d never fault anyone for complaining or wondering, like OP, if there’s a better way. But in the end, the only person you can guarantee is going to show up for you is you.

Agree with this. It's just not the same- and before anyone chimes in with the "oh you just want free childcare" spiel, it's more about missing the connections I grew up with. I spent lots of time with my aunts/uncles/cousins and grandparents without my parents around and think that's part of the reason I am still close to them. DH lived away from all of his extended family and has almost zero contact with them as an adult- we've been married 10 years and I've only met one of his extended family members!

Also, I want to be able to help in return. When you have a supportive extended family, it's not all one sided, you help eachother. My sister is childless but my parents or my aunt watch her dog when she goes out of town- she's literally never had to hire a petsitter. But in return, she'll dogsit my aunt's dog, and helped my parents out in many ways when my mom recently had surgery.

I also think that asking for help now is even harder as every family has a different set of covid precautions.

[Anonymous]

Family won't necessarily fix it. I had a friend who moved back to her hometown after her divorce based on a promise from her sister and mom they would help her extensively. She even moved in with her sister and her adult daughter with great enthusiasm. Less than 6 months later, she had to move to her own home and her sisters and mom help was really no where to be found. She regretted the move because there were less job opportunities. She can't afford to move again so she stays but she says in hind sight she made a decision when she was at a really low point and the decision just gave her something to look forward to and she didn't really think it through.

[Anonymous]

I can understand why you would want to move if you knew for sure you were receive help. We are dearly missing my mom and my in-laws who retired and relocated. My mom lived with us and we have always had help. The transition has been hard but I understand this is normal for many.

A few weeks ago we had to leave the house in an emergency situation for a few hours and it was sleeting outside. I have extended family close by but did not know what their precautions were during COVID and did not want to be a bother.

[Anonymous]

All of DH's family and my family are 3,000 miles away, so no help. It was so hard to make friends in NOVA over the decade we lived there. It always felt like people were sizing you up for how useful you were to them, either professionally or as free babysitting.

We left NOVA for another part of Virginia recently. Stress was instantly more than halved for everyone in our family. Kids happier, parents happier, a lot more house with a big yard, schools just as good if not better, a lot of money left at the end of the month, no more credit card debt, can get anywhere locally in 15 minutes, tops. I highly recommend considering a move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of DH's family and my family are 3,000 miles away, so no help. It was so hard to make friends in NOVA over the decade we lived there. It always felt like people were sizing you up for how useful you were to them, either professionally or as free babysitting.

We left NOVA for another part of Virginia recently. Stress was instantly more than halved for everyone in our family. Kids happier, parents happier, a lot more house with a big yard, schools just as good if not better, a lot of money left at the end of the month, no more credit card debt, can get anywhere locally in 15 minutes, tops. I highly recommend considering a move.

Did you make close friends where you are? Do you feel you have people who could help you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - no its not just a stomach virus - a series of unfortunate events have happened this year that have made me re-think living so far from home.

Also we have had many very close friends in the DC area but they have all moved away for some reason or another. It is a very transient area.

Living near family doesn't mean you'll be close and they'll step in to help you. That's totally based on your current dynamic and relationship. Even if you are far apart, if they are going to help you then they will, even if it is just sending gifts or huge boxes of frozen food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think in general people in my age range don’t value staying close to family enough (I’m a millennial). Your neighbors are never going to become as helpful as extended family. Unless your extended family sucks, I guess.

Not true. They aren’t neighbors, but they are people we’ve become close to from sports over the years. Their kids are “difficult” and my DH and I are pretty patient people. And our kids play well together. So for a few years, we did play dates, etc, with kids that a lot of folks would have written off.

When my husband was on his deathbed, they took care of my kids for nearly a week until my mom could get here. No questions asked.

Friends are out there, but you have to make them.

[Anonymous]

We moved out of DC because our friends kept moving away also! We realized it was eventually our turn. We didn’t move close to family, but where we moved was just...nicer. We have found a wonderful community and finally feel “home”.

[Anonymous]

I’ll be the lone dissenter here and say that having family nearby (both sets of grandparents) has been invaluable. The distinguishing factor is that they are all incredibly helpful AND respect boundaries. We see my in laws every weekend and they babysit and my FIL fixes stuff around the house. They are in their early 70s but super active and healthy. We do have a few good friends in the area, but there’s no comparison to the kind of help our family provides. I recently considered a job offer in another city but it just isn’t worth giving up the love, affection and yes, help, that family gives us. Unrelatedly, as my mom gets older, I want to be nearby in the last phase of her life so I can do everything possible to help if her health worsens, etc.

[Anonymous]

I’ve lived on and off in DC for many years and never felt like I’ve had a “village” there. In fact, even though it’s the place I’ve spent the most time, it’s the only one where I’ve felt that way.

[Anonymous]

Op I feel like you’re hearing from a lot of folks that don’t like their family much or have family who wouldn’t be helpful. It’s true that in these scenarios it’s not great I’m sure. But it sounds like you have a really supportive family you are close with. I have the same and am lucky that my husband’s family is also in the same area. We moved back to the dc area to be close to both families and I’m grateful probably weekly. We are at one set of parents right now so we can work while daycare is closed because of the snow. Are there some added complications and responsibilities at times? Sure. But being nearby vastly outweighs that. And there is just no way our friends with kids could come close to the support. So, take what folks are saying with a grain of salt as it’s pretty dependent on the family and sounds like you have a good one. It’s also been absolutely amazing for my kids. Their relationships with their grandparents are incredibly close and it’s really special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be the lone dissenter here and say that having family nearby (both sets of grandparents) has been invaluable. The distinguishing factor is that they are all incredibly helpful AND respect boundaries. We see my in laws every weekend and they babysit and my FIL fixes stuff around the house. They are in their early 70s but super active and healthy. We do have a few good friends in the area, but there’s no comparison to the kind of help our family provides. I recently considered a job offer in another city but it just isn’t worth giving up the love, affection and yes, help, that family gives us. Unrelatedly, as my mom gets older, I want to be nearby in the last phase of her life so I can do everything possible to help if her health worsens, etc.

+1 I just posted something similar but you captured it very well. Invaluable to have helpful family with good boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be the lone dissenter here and say that having family nearby (both sets of grandparents) has been invaluable. The distinguishing factor is that they are all incredibly helpful AND respect boundaries. We see my in laws every weekend and they babysit and my FIL fixes stuff around the house. They are in their early 70s but super active and healthy. We do have a few good friends in the area, but there’s no comparison to the kind of help our family provides. I recently considered a job offer in another city but it just isn’t worth giving up the love, affection and yes, help, that family gives us. Unrelatedly, as my mom gets older, I want to be nearby in the last phase of her life so I can do everything possible to help if her health worsens, etc.

+1 I just posted something similar but you captured it very well. Invaluable to have helpful family with good boundaries.

+2. Grandparents and aunts/uncles who are invested in your children’s future are in a whole other level than paid help. No comparison whatsoever. I would happily leave my kids with family for a week, but never with a nanny (even though we like our nanny a lot).