In search of therapist or resources to cope with neices’s reactive attachment disorder

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My sister and her DH went into this very naively and would not take any advice from other people we knew who had adopted either internationally or within the US with children who had special circumstances. This is attitude has carried over into my nieces care and upbringing in the sense that they will do everything to make it appear that she is emotionally and physically ok, despite a diagnosis and glaring signs.

I’ve had to pull away to protect my kids and they miss their 2 other cousins terribly. My niece had always been manipulative and unremorseful. I work with children how have been abused know that what she threatened my children with in our last visit was indicative of her past Abuse or potential to do it to someone else, potentially sexually. I can’t take this lightly.

However I don’t know how to talk to my sister about any of this without completely destroying our relationship. She knows we’re pulling away already but her defensiveness is a concern. How can I approach this?

My friend has an adopted son from overseas and he was officially diagnosed with RAD but she was still unable to accept it. As the years passed and his behavior became more dangerous, she would shuffle him around to different schools because he is very charming at first to strangers but once the school caught on and kids were getting hurt they would always ask her to move him to another school. Unfortunately, the answer to your question about how to approach this is exactly what you already know it to be- you can't engage with your niece on anything more than a very superficial level and you must keep your children away from her. Sorry.

Was she in denial or doing the best she could? If its RAD there isn't much that can be done as therapy might help but usually not that effective.

[Anonymous]

OP---the kindest thing you can do is to try to create a safe space for your sister's other kids. You will have to be strategic about it in order not to create further disruption, i.e., don't invite all of her biologicals over at once while not asking her adopted child but instead do things like ask her DD to come watch a movie with your DD (if ages are similar). If your sister is struggling with guilt over what effect your niece might be having on her kids, then she will likely welcome the chance to let her kids get out of the house and visit with you. If she truly has her head in the sand and resists the idea, then don't offer again, because keeping your own children safe is Priority #1.

I feel for your sister. We did not have biological children in the home before adopting. If we had, then I would have been devastated at having my bio-kids subjected to some of the scenes we dealt with. But at same time, your niece is a traumatized child who is a hurting person as well. It is easy to lose sight of that when the hurting person is hard to like, let alone love. It is a hard situation all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP---the kindest thing you can do is to try to create a safe space for your sister's other kids. You will have to be strategic about it in order not to create further disruption, i.e., don't invite all of her biologicals over at once while not asking her adopted child but instead do things like ask her DD to come watch a movie with your DD (if ages are similar). If your sister is struggling with guilt over what effect your niece might be having on her kids, then she will likely welcome the chance to let her kids get out of the house and visit with you. If she truly has her head in the sand and resists the idea, then don't offer again, because keeping your own children safe is Priority #1.

I feel for your sister. We did not have biological children in the home before adopting. If we had, then I would have been devastated at having my bio-kids subjected to some of the scenes we dealt with. But at same time, your niece is a traumatized child who is a hurting person as well. It is easy to lose sight of that when the hurting person is hard to like, let alone love. It is a hard situation all around.

How the kids joined her home doesn't matter. Differentiating between bio and adoption is pretty telling of a person doing that. You don't invite some kids over regularly and not others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP---the kindest thing you can do is to try to create a safe space for your sister's other kids. You will have to be strategic about it in order not to create further disruption, i.e., don't invite all of her biologicals over at once while not asking her adopted child but instead do things like ask her DD to come watch a movie with your DD (if ages are similar). If your sister is struggling with guilt over what effect your niece might be having on her kids, then she will likely welcome the chance to let her kids get out of the house and visit with you. If she truly has her head in the sand and resists the idea, then don't offer again, because keeping your own children safe is Priority #1.

I feel for your sister. We did not have biological children in the home before adopting. If we had, then I would have been devastated at having my bio-kids subjected to some of the scenes we dealt with. But at same time, your niece is a traumatized child who is a hurting person as well. It is easy to lose sight of that when the hurting person is hard to like, let alone love. It is a hard situation all around.


How the kids joined her home doesn't matter. Differentiating between bio and adoption is pretty telling of a person doing that. You don't invite some kids over regularly and not others.

Spoken from someone who has likely never had to deal with this situation. Think about it from the children's perspective. If OP's niece's behavior has alienated friends and family, then those children are being negatively impacted. When there is a difficult child in the house---for whatever reason--a child who experienced trauma before joining the family, a bio child with challenging behavioral special needs--the rest of the family needs respite from time to time---otherwise the children will grow increasingly (and justifiably) resentful. You have no idea how emotionally draining it is to deal with a RAD or FASD child on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP---the kindest thing you can do is to try to create a safe space for your sister's other kids. You will have to be strategic about it in order not to create further disruption, i.e., don't invite all of her biologicals over at once while not asking her adopted child but instead do things like ask her DD to come watch a movie with your DD (if ages are similar). If your sister is struggling with guilt over what effect your niece might be having on her kids, then she will likely welcome the chance to let her kids get out of the house and visit with you. If she truly has her head in the sand and resists the idea, then don't offer again, because keeping your own children safe is Priority #1.

I feel for your sister. We did not have biological children in the home before adopting. If we had, then I would have been devastated at having my bio-kids subjected to some of the scenes we dealt with. But at same time, your niece is a traumatized child who is a hurting person as well. It is easy to lose sight of that when the hurting person is hard to like, let alone love. It is a hard situation all around.


How the kids joined her home doesn't matter. Differentiating between bio and adoption is pretty telling of a person doing that. You don't invite some kids over regularly and not others.

Spoken from someone who has likely never had to deal with this situation. Think about it from the children's perspective. If OP's niece's behavior has alienated friends and family, then those children are being negatively impacted. When there is a difficult child in the house---for whatever reason--a child who experienced trauma before joining the family, a bio child with challenging behavioral special needs--the rest of the family needs respite from time to time---otherwise the children will grow increasingly (and justifiably) resentful. You have no idea how emotionally draining it is to deal with a RAD or FASD child on a daily basis.

Actually I have. And I’d never ever refer to my child as adopted. Adoption has nothing to do with it. The child’s behavior does. Two different things. No wonder the child acts out. They know they are really not a part of the family. Sending the child away will do more harm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
OP---the kindest thing you can do is to try to create a safe space for your sister's other kids. You will have to be strategic about it in order not to create further disruption, i.e., don't invite all of her biologicals over at once while not asking her adopted child but instead do things like ask her DD to come watch a movie with your DD (if ages are similar). If your sister is struggling with guilt over what effect your niece might be having on her kids, then she will likely welcome the chance to let her kids get out of the house and visit with you. If she truly has her head in the sand and resists the idea, then don't offer again, because keeping your own children safe is Priority #1.

I feel for your sister. We did not have biological children in the home before adopting. If we had, then I would have been devastated at having my bio-kids subjected to some of the scenes we dealt with. But at same time, your niece is a traumatized child who is a hurting person as well. It is easy to lose sight of that when the hurting person is hard to like, let alone love. It is a hard situation all around.


How the kids joined her home doesn't matter. Differentiating between bio and adoption is pretty telling of a person doing that. You don't invite some kids over regularly and not others.


Spoken from someone who has likely never had to deal with this situation. Think about it from the children's perspective. If OP's niece's behavior has alienated friends and family, then those children are being negatively impacted. When there is a difficult child in the house---for whatever reason--a child who experienced trauma before joining the family, a bio child with challenging behavioral special needs--the rest of the family needs respite from time to time---otherwise the children will grow increasingly (and justifiably) resentful. You have no idea how emotionally draining it is to deal with a RAD or FASD child on a daily basis.


Actually I have. And I’d never ever refer to my child as adopted. Adoption has nothing to do with it. The child’s behavior does. Two different things. No wonder the child acts out. They know they are really not a part of the family. Sending the child away will do more harm.

I have dealt with it too. And whether or not the child is referred to as adopted is the least of the issues when you are dealing with a child whose behavior constantly creates disruption and potentially danger for the other children around them. (though I would hope that neither OP nor her sister refers to the child as adopted in front of them). And I wasn't advocating sending the child away (though I will tell you that sometimes that is what needs to be done in terms of residential treatment if the child's behavior escalates to that level)---I was advocating trying to create some respite opportunities for other children in the household. When I was experiencing issues similar to those of OP's sister---the best advice I was given was not to let the disruptive behavior of one child become the driver of the entire family dynamic. Nor was I recommending that OP say, "Hey bio-nieces and nephews come on over while you adopted niece stays home." I was recommending that OP try to figure out a way to invite children individually to her house---that could also include OP taking niece out alone for ice cream. One of the most difficult things I have struggled with as a parent of an FASD affected child is trying to find that balance so that my neurotypical children get enough attention too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
OP---the kindest thing you can do is to try to create a safe space for your sister's other kids. You will have to be strategic about it in order not to create further disruption, i.e., don't invite all of her biologicals over at once while not asking her adopted child but instead do things like ask her DD to come watch a movie with your DD (if ages are similar). If your sister is struggling with guilt over what effect your niece might be having on her kids, then she will likely welcome the chance to let her kids get out of the house and visit with you. If she truly has her head in the sand and resists the idea, then don't offer again, because keeping your own children safe is Priority #1.

I feel for your sister. We did not have biological children in the home before adopting. If we had, then I would have been devastated at having my bio-kids subjected to some of the scenes we dealt with. But at same time, your niece is a traumatized child who is a hurting person as well. It is easy to lose sight of that when the hurting person is hard to like, let alone love. It is a hard situation all around.


How the kids joined her home doesn't matter. Differentiating between bio and adoption is pretty telling of a person doing that. You don't invite some kids over regularly and not others.


Spoken from someone who has likely never had to deal with this situation. Think about it from the children's perspective. If OP's niece's behavior has alienated friends and family, then those children are being negatively impacted. When there is a difficult child in the house---for whatever reason--a child who experienced trauma before joining the family, a bio child with challenging behavioral special needs--the rest of the family needs respite from time to time---otherwise the children will grow increasingly (and justifiably) resentful. You have no idea how emotionally draining it is to deal with a RAD or FASD child on a daily basis.


Actually I have. And I’d never ever refer to my child as adopted. Adoption has nothing to do with it. The child’s behavior does. Two different things. No wonder the child acts out. They know they are really not a part of the family. Sending the child away will do more harm.

I have dealt with it too. And whether or not the child is referred to as adopted is the least of the issues when you are dealing with a child whose behavior constantly creates disruption and potentially danger for the other children around them. (though I would hope that neither OP nor her sister refers to the child as adopted in front of them). And I wasn't advocating sending the child away (though I will tell you that sometimes that is what needs to be done in terms of residential treatment if the child's behavior escalates to that level)---I was advocating trying to create some respite opportunities for other children in the household. When I was experiencing issues similar to those of OP's sister---the best advice I was given was not to let the disruptive behavior of one child become the driver of the entire family dynamic. Nor was I recommending that OP say, "Hey bio-nieces and nephews come on over while you adopted niece stays home." I was recommending that OP try to figure out a way to invite children individually to her house---that could also include OP taking niece out alone for ice cream. One of the most difficult things I have struggled with as a parent of an FASD affected child is trying to find that balance so that my neurotypical children get enough attention too.

This is a lovely idea to give the sister with the difficult child a break. However if the sister is still not willing to accept that her child is a problem with other sibling and cousins, it will only alienate the relationship further.