Reply to In search of therapist or resources to cope with neices’s reactive attachment disorder

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: 
OP---the kindest thing you can do is to try to create a safe space for your sister's other kids. You will have to be strategic about it in order not to create further disruption, i.e., don't invite all of her biologicals over at once while not asking her adopted child but instead do things like ask her DD to come watch a movie with your DD (if ages are similar). If your sister is struggling with guilt over what effect your niece might be having on her kids, then she will likely welcome the chance to let her kids get out of the house and visit with you. If she truly has her head in the sand and resists the idea, then don't offer again, because keeping your own children safe is Priority #1.

I feel for your sister. We did not have biological children in the home before adopting. If we had, then I would have been devastated at having my bio-kids subjected to some of the scenes we dealt with. But at same time, your niece is a traumatized child who is a hurting person as well. It is easy to lose sight of that when the hurting person is hard to like, let alone love. It is a hard situation all around.

How the kids joined her home doesn't matter. Differentiating between bio and adoption is pretty telling of a person doing that. You don't invite some kids over regularly and not others.

Spoken from someone who has likely never had to deal with this situation. Think about it from the children's perspective. If OP's niece's behavior has alienated friends and family, then those children are being negatively impacted. When there is a difficult child in the house---for whatever reason--a child who experienced trauma before joining the family, a bio child with challenging behavioral special needs--the rest of the family needs respite from time to time---otherwise the children will grow increasingly (and justifiably) resentful. You have no idea how emotionally draining it is to deal with a RAD or FASD child on a daily basis.

Actually I have. And I’d never ever refer to my child as adopted. Adoption has nothing to do with it. The child’s behavior does. Two different things. No wonder the child acts out. They know they are really not a part of the family. Sending the child away will do more harm.
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I have dealt with it too.  And whether or not the child is referred to as adopted is the least of the issues when you are dealing with a child whose behavior constantly creates disruption and  potentially danger for the other children around them.  (though I would hope that neither OP nor her sister refers to the child as adopted in front of them).  And I wasn't advocating sending the child away (though I will tell you that sometimes that is what needs to be done in terms of residential treatment if the child's behavior escalates to that level)---I was advocating trying to create some respite opportunities for other children in the household.  When I was experiencing issues similar to those of OP's sister---the best advice I was given was not to let the disruptive behavior of one child become the driver of the entire family dynamic.  Nor was I recommending that OP say, "Hey bio-nieces and nephews come on over while you adopted niece stays home."  I was recommending that OP try to figure out a way to invite children individually to her house---that could also include OP taking niece out alone for ice cream.   One of the most difficult things I have struggled with as a parent of an FASD affected child is trying to find that balance so that my neurotypical children get enough attention too.[/quote]

This is a lovely idea to give the sister with the difficult child a break. However if the sister is still not willing to accept that her child is a problem with other sibling and cousins, it will only alienate the relationship further.[/quote]

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