How do you know you have picked the right partner

[Anonymous]

It was a gut reaction. I have very good instincts about people. I knew I would marry him if he asked. I knew this within three months of dating him. He was different from other men I had dated. It felt different being with him. We didn’t have to do anything or go out anywhere to have a good time. I enjoyed just hanging out with him and that’s something I didn’t have with others. He and I could talk about anything. He has a great sense of humor and doe t take himself seriously. He’s kind and decent. He’s the kind of person you can call for an emergency. He’s very calm and reliable. We are very compatible. It’s corny but quote from Wuthering Heights comes to mind. “He is more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”

[Anonymous]

I was 26 and classic live at first sight and off the charts chemistry. He was 25. I had just ended a relationship and was looking forward to being single. He always said he would never get married before 30s (prior to meeting me at a happy hour).

We were compatible in every way—intelligence, humor, athletic/fitness big deal, $/non-materialistic, love of travel, etc. My friends loved him instantly and vice versa. Same with family.

I admit I was naive in not truly studying his own family more—some issues over time because of that—but we always have seen eye to eye on how we raise our kids too. We disagree infrequently.

I used to ask constantly “how do you know if someone is ‘the one’”and my mom, family members, older relatives always said “you just know”. Until I met my husband I had no idea what that meant. It’s been 24 years together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was it a gut reaction or something very logical?



What I am struggling with is I tend to look at partners. I know one thing that will be in my head if/when I find someone is ‘each of us has failed a lot up until this point’. This makes sense or we would t be single, but it is a nagging thought in my head and I don’t know how to get pass it.

There are many reasons why people are not married at 33 (or whatever age) -- it's not a matter of failing. If you're able to switch your perspective and be able to accept that it isn't "failure" but that it was something else. People have other priorities and aren't ready for a life partner or know they aren't grown up/mature/able to handle a serious relationship. That is far from failing.

DH and I were from different religions and but also had pretty clear ideas of what we were looking for. The religion part forced us both to really think about what we wanted and what was important to us in a marriage and family. So, no room for a gut reaction there. We had to think it through and understand what we were getting in each other and what we wouldn't have. Also, seeing what his parents relationship was like was important for me--because our parents model what marriage looks like--for good or bad. How can you know what a healthy relationship looks like if you didn't group up seeing one lived out every day? As unromantic as all this sounds, I've got a marriage that of course isn't perfect, but it's solid. We've been married 13 years although have known each other for over 20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you let your hair down and be yourself? Can you be silly, vulnerable? Do they “get” your quirks? If you’re constantly regulating yourself in order to present some image, this isn’t the person for you.

Is this person a “safe place to fall?” If something happened to you—lost a job, death or serious illness with a parent—would this person be there as a support, or would they be inconvenienced?

Also agree with this.

[Anonymous]

I met DH quite young (19) and married at 29. We’ve been married almost 13 years. At first i just had a lot of fun, then he was supportive and a good sounding board when I went through hard times, and generally it was just easy if that makes any sense. We have a fulfilling sex life but it was not a “wow, love at first sight” situation. Partially because we met so young I regularly wonder what I may or may not have found if I’d dated more - I get pretty frustrated by things he does at least a few times a month - but my friends who met / married later get frustrated too. The fact that he’s still my good friend, and now a good dad, after over 20 years later makes me think I chose well. But I don’t believe in “the one” and think you can meet a variety of people who could be a good fit for you. If you want a long term partner sometimes you have to be okay with the slight annoyances. But look to make sure you’re compatible on the deal beakers (ie we both wanted children, we treated each other with respect etc).

[Anonymous]

New poster. Married nearly 30 years. OP, I've copied two of the earlier posts from above to emphasize them:

"It’s a combination. It’s important to have a partner who meets a few of your key needs and is on the same page about big things you want in life- marriage, kidsC where to live, religion, whatever. I wouldn’t get too caught up in the more abstract things like what his parents marriage looks like. It’s nice to fall madly in love but as we get older it’s just naturally a calmer process.

Focus on the things that are really important to you- and I don’t mean things like height or income- and the rest is gravy."

"Can you let your hair down and be yourself? Can you be silly, vulnerable? Do they “get” your quirks? If you’re constantly regulating yourself in order to present some image, this isn’t the person for you.

Is this person a “safe place to fall?” If something happened to you—lost a job, death or serious illness with a parent—would this person be there as a support, or would they be inconvenienced?"

The above posts are good. Especially the "safe place to fall" post. I would add that it's not just about losing a job, having a death in the family or going through a parent's serious illness -- it's also about knowing that this person is going to be there for you even if YOU are the one who gets ill and possibly is altered permanently. Will your partner stay if you were injured or ill and it profoundly changed your body and looks, sex life, ability to work and earn, ability to help care for your kids, prospects for both your futures forever (maybe unable to travel much if at all, etc.)? If the answer is "I don't know" or "I doubt it" you need to do some very serious talking. It's not a scenario people want to picture in their heads but it's a very real one.

[Anonymous]

The only sure things are death and taxes. After that it’s a crap shoot even when your due diligence is stellar. Life is an ongoing series of bets and you just pray that you made a good bet. I’ve had GF’s who have fallen madly in love with someone and they are so blinded that they can’t see his flaws. Some wake up and move on while others have gotten married and end up being miserable. There is no easy answer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster. Married nearly 30 years. OP, I've copied two of the earlier posts from above to emphasize them:

"It’s a combination. It’s important to have a partner who meets a few of your key needs and is on the same page about big things you want in life- marriage, kidsC where to live, religion, whatever. I wouldn’t get too caught up in the more abstract things like what his parents marriage looks like. It’s nice to fall madly in love but as we get older it’s just naturally a calmer process.

Focus on the things that are really important to you- and I don’t mean things like height or income- and the rest is gravy."

"Can you let your hair down and be yourself? Can you be silly, vulnerable? Do they “get” your quirks? If you’re constantly regulating yourself in order to present some image, this isn’t the person for you.

Is this person a “safe place to fall?” If something happened to you—lost a job, death or serious illness with a parent—would this person be there as a support, or would they be inconvenienced?"

The above posts are good. Especially the "safe place to fall" post. I would add that it's not just about losing a job, having a death in the family or going through a parent's serious illness -- it's also about knowing that this person is going to be there for you even if YOU are the one who gets ill and possibly is altered permanently. Will your partner stay if you were injured or ill and it profoundly changed your body and looks, sex life, ability to work and earn, ability to help care for your kids, prospects for both your futures forever (maybe unable to travel much if at all, etc.)? If the answer is "I don't know" or "I doubt it" you need to do some very serious talking. It's not a scenario people want to picture in their heads but it's a very real one.

+100.

[Anonymous]

It’s not about being eight the right person. Instead you should focus on being the right person.