How do you know you have picked the right partner
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Anonymous
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Was it a gut reaction or something very logical?
Woman, 33 yr, single. Not seeing anyone right now, but have been pondering how I will ‘know’. I have had a couple serious bf’s where half of me was planning LT (wedding, where we would live, etc)....but I had reservations about all of them even the one I deeply loved (his parents marriage looked very different from what I wanted, our social lives were extremely different, etc). In some ways, I am very happy I saw some of the downsides to someone I loved and realized pretty early on we wouldn’t be good partners. What I am struggling with is I tend to look at partners. I know one thing that will be in my head if/when I find someone is ‘each of us has failed a lot up until this point’. This makes sense or we would t be single, but it is a nagging thought in my head and I don’t know how to get pass it. |
Anonymous
| You never really know! No matter how much you assess the pros and cons along with your intuition it’s still a gamble. I was lucky that my husband and I were good friends for a few years before we got together so I got to really know him without romance blinding me. |
Anonymous
| Gut reaction. We were best friends, he was an incredible man (worked hard, had ambitions, smart), kind, came from a happily married family similar to mine. We were in college, but I just knew. He’s everything I imagined he’d be and more. Glad I snagged him at 20. He had girls throwing themselves at him through our 20s. |
Anonymous
| You go by what you know today. You can't predict how people change over the course of a lifetime though |
Anonymous
+1 You never really can know. I married my best friend. He turned out to be an abusive malignant narcissist and I am still in the middle of battling the after effects that will linger in pieces my whole life. What I now believe and teach my friends and daughter is that you have to wait a period and watch how people change after every step of the way. Start dating and wait. Become exclusive and wait. Move in together and wait. Get engaged and wait. Move cities and wait. Get married and wait. Walk away at any time if you see changes that are red flags. Don't have kids until you are sure. And even then, men change after the kids come. The red flags can start early, or they can change overnight. Just keep your eye out. Know your boundaries and don't stay with anyone who crosses them. I communicate my boundaries clearly. I immediately stop engaging with people who cross them. When I moved in with my fiance, he started treating me differently. He had pressured me to move things quickly. It seemed to make sense, but looking back, rushing things is a huge red flag. I walk away now. |
Anonymous
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It’s a combination. It’s important to have a partner who meets a few of your key needs and is on the same page about big things you want in life- marriage, kidsC where to live, religion, whatever. I wouldn’t get too caught up in the more abstract things like what his parents marriage looks like. It’s nice to fall madly in love but as we get older it’s just naturally a calmer process.
Focus on the things that are really important to you- and I don’t mean things like height or income- and the rest is gravy. |
Anonymous
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Can you let your hair down and be yourself? Can you be silly, vulnerable? Do they “get” your quirks? If you’re constantly regulating yourself in order to present some image, this isn’t the person for you.
Is this person a “safe place to fall?” If something happened to you—lost a job, death or serious illness with a parent—would this person be there as a support, or would they be inconvenienced? |
Anonymous
| This is a really interesting question, and it would be great to hear what relationship experts would say about this. I suspect that they would agree with a lot of the PPs, that you can never really know for sure, and that the people who “just knew “are simply feeling strong emotions and making a decision to go with it. Relationships are risks and gambles. There is no perfect person. A lot of a relationship’s success or failure just comes down to your outlook and how you frame things. One person in a mediocre marriage with minimal compatibility might be able to frame it as an excellent marriage, because they are optimistic and see the best and really want the relationship to work. Whereas another person in a marriage with high compatibility might only see flaws and frame it as a bad relationship. Know what the things are that are really important to you, and then work on being a good partner every day. Pretty much any relationship can make it if two people want it to. |
Anonymous
| Sounds silly but I know because my partner feels like home. |
Anonymous
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I didn’t really think that much when I met DH. I lucked out mostly but it’s still not a perfect marriage. I don’t think I thought he was “the one”. I had a string of boyfriends and he was the one who stuck around and life happened and kept happening.
In hindsight these are traits that are important - respect for you and your feelings, good communication skills, motivation to work and do chores, some shared interests (doesn’t have to be a lot), decent at self-care (eating, drinking in moderation and exercising and having social outlets besides you), and shared values (religious or political, don’t have to be identical to yours but generally similar). |
Anonymous
| I read this and there’s a chapter on marriage: https://www.amazon.com/30-Lessons-Living-Advice-Americans/dp/0452298482 |
Anonymous
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I knew after seeing how he treated his family and after we went through a few hard times together. Seeing how he reacted when I was laid off, when my family was having issues and when I needed his support confirmed what I already knew, that he was the person made for me. DH is a true partner, we have fun together, and he is going to make an excellent father.
Would I have married a guy a few years ago had he asked? Yes, but I was young and infatuated. |
Anonymous
This is a great perspective. If you can’t truly be yourself and have to put up some kind of facade he/she is not the one for you. Take me as I am! |
Anonymous
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Read some John Gottman books. I read lots of his books through my 20’s. Really helped me make decisions about whether DH would make a good life partner.
And I evaluated using these different areas: Love Romance Sex Friendship Respect Business partner Roommate Parent So many people marry because the love, romance, sex and even friendship are good. But that’s not what makes a good marriage. You have to have those plus the other areas. I knew DH was a person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with is: —if the world blew up around us, I knew he could take care of things —if we got divorced, he would raise our children in a manner I wouldn’t worry about —I could deal with the worst of him. When he’s at his worst, I can handle it. And he always apologized when he was cranky and really tried to do better —he listened and respected my opinion — he went to a therapist at some point, so I knew if we ran into issues, he would be open to going again —he accepted and loved me, flaws and all |
Anonymous
| For me it was both - he checked all my boxes (mutual attraction/chemistry, fun, compatible life goals, same values, open and honest) and it just felt right. We met in our thirties, had both had lots of relationships, many of which were difficult decisions as to whether they were the right fit or to break up. And then we found each other and getting married was the easiest decision either of us had ever made. |