Tips for mommy tantrums

[Anonymous]

Normal. You're angry because you're stressed, no vacations, no downtime like you used to have. A year ago you likely had friends you'd meet up with, happy hours, dinners with dh, babysitters on the weekend, fun trips with the kids to museums or play places... and now there's just nothing. It's cold outside and even hiking/stroller walks aren't doing it.

Something that helped me immensely (I cut out all alcohol and needed a new routine)- I get in bed at 8:30 and read some awesome new books (Netflix on an ipad would work too). I make sure I've already brushed my teeth and pajamas on. So when I get tired, I just fall asleep. I've been getting 10-11 hours a night. And I think I needed it!!! I'm like a new mom.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for the really helpful tips and replies. I definitely need to take a step back and breathe when I can feel myself getting frustrated. It’s just so hard sometimes, when they both need you at once. And I feel like I’m asking my three-year-old something relatively simple, like going potty but it makes it into a big deal. It’s frustration that boils over and then I explode. But I so appreciate everyone’s kind responses to let me know I’m not alone, I’m not a terrible mother, and this is unfortunately somewhat normal. Here’s to being better tomorrow than I was today

I’m so thankful, that my three-year-old is understanding and is kind to me when I’ve had a bad day.

Thanks also the the poster who pointed out “this isn’t good”. That was the whole point of the post- I know it isn’t good and I needed advice. Wouldn’t be DCUM without you

[Anonymous]

Postpartum Support Virginia— check out their website

Hugs. It will get better!

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you! I get these, as well. I only have one (also a 3 yr old), which I'm sure makes it easier. I don't yell at my kid but really take it out on my partner sometimes. It just builds up and then I pop off and can be vicious. And while I'm not yelling at my kid, she can hear it, and that's not great either.

The thing I've found most helpful is communication with my partner so that we can find ways to keep it from building up like that. I was in a pattern for a while where every time I was under a lot of work stress, this would happen. We figured out that the reason why is that I tend to take on a lot more of the household and childcare stuff, which is manageable when work is quiet, but I become very resentful when I'm on a tight deadline. So we've reallocated some of our tasks to make it more even, and that's helped a lot. I also have gotten better at telling my partner when I'm about to get busy with work, and he's gotten better at actually hearing me when I say that and asking how he can help to make sure I have the time I need to do my work and also take care of myself.

I've also gotten better at building time into my day when I get a break -- my morning tea, my evening run, my quiet time without my partner after the kid goes to bed. 3 yr olds are relentless and even when my kid is being sweet and wonderful, sometimes I just get so worn out by the constant questions, requests for snacks, big emotions, and sometimes rigid behavior. I've been told by friends that it's the hardest year and I think I agree. I certainly hope 4 is easier!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the really helpful tips and replies. I definitely need to take a step back and breathe when I can feel myself getting frustrated. It’s just so hard sometimes, when they both need you at once. And I feel like I’m asking my three-year-old something relatively simple, like going potty but it makes it into a big deal. It’s frustration that boils over and then I explode. But I so appreciate everyone’s kind responses to let me know I’m not alone, I’m not a terrible mother, and this is unfortunately somewhat normal. Here’s to being better tomorrow than I was today

I’m so thankful, that my three-year-old is understanding and is kind to me when I’ve had a bad day.

Thanks also the the poster who pointed out “this isn’t good”. That was the whole point of the post- I know it isn’t good and I needed advice. Wouldn’t be DCUM without you

You seem very sweet op. Good for you knowing to reach out and hope things get better soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's not good Op. You need to talk to a therapist if there is an inbuilt rage about this or anything else. Please don't put your kid through this.

Just shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the really helpful tips and replies. I definitely need to take a step back and breathe when I can feel myself getting frustrated. It’s just so hard sometimes, when they both need you at once. And I feel like I’m asking my three-year-old something relatively simple, like going potty but it makes it into a big deal. It’s frustration that boils over and then I explode. But I so appreciate everyone’s kind responses to let me know I’m not alone, I’m not a terrible mother, and this is unfortunately somewhat normal. Here’s to being better tomorrow than I was today

I’m so thankful, that my three-year-old is understanding and is kind to me when I’ve had a bad day.

Thanks also the the poster who pointed out “this isn’t good”. That was the whole point of the post- I know it isn’t good and I needed advice. Wouldn’t be DCUM without you

I've been there, OP, with the same aged children. I hope you don't mind if I throw out some ideas to help with the kids, which will in turn hopefully help with your frustration?

- Can you feed the baby before you pick up your three year old? Even if it's just a 2oz bottle or some solids?
- And if three year old is hangry, can you bring her a stick of cheese in the car? I was no-food-in-the-car until my 2nd was born and then it was "whatever it takes to keep everyone happy". Three is such a hard age, I really, really feel for you.
- And finally, iPad time/TV time. Again, whatever it takes.

I promise it gets so much better. Right now, my 4 and 7 year olds are quietly playing legos together before bedtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. What a rough day.

One thing that helps me is to close my eyes and count to ten, allowing the noise to fade for a moment while I catch my breath. And then I force myself to look directly into my kids eyes and get down on his level, while physically touching him even the smallest bit like a hand on the arm; making that reconnection helps us, we can all reset in a way and I try to say something that shows I empathize or say something to distract. I can't lose my sh!t when looking into his eyes and having a physical connection; it just doesn't happen. I can be frustrated or a bit terse, but I don't lose control of my temper.

This is good advice, I do this as well. When I'm at my breaking point I hug my kid, take some deep breaths, tell them I love them and if I can't calm down, I tell them I need a few minutes and leave. I'm sorry, OP. We've all been there. I hope tomorrow is better for you.

[Anonymous]

Hire a nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure where to post this so please move if needed.

I’m struggling. I don’t think I have PPD/PPA but lately I am short tempered and I just screamed at my 3 year old. I pick her up from school and her 6month old brother needs to eat right around the same time. DD is over tired and needs to rest, DS is over hungry and needs to eat and it just blows up. Well, I blow up. I just screamed in frustration because exhausted DD was literally crying because she didn’t want to go potty- she just wanted to lay on the floor.

So- how do you calm yourself down when we feel you’re about to lose it? I blew up and shuffled her into her room so I could walk away but the damage was done. She was crying because she was scared when I yelled and I was crying because I scared her and DS was crying because he was hungry.

You feed the six month old. If he is nursing put he on the other side of you and talk to her. You have a damn brain so use it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure where to post this so please move if needed.

I’m struggling. I don’t think I have PPD/PPA but lately I am short tempered and I just screamed at my 3 year old. I pick her up from school and her 6month old brother needs to eat right around the same time. DD is over tired and needs to rest, DS is over hungry and needs to eat and it just blows up. Well, I blow up. I just screamed in frustration because exhausted DD was literally crying because she didn’t want to go potty- she just wanted to lay on the floor.

So- how do you calm yourself down when we feel you’re about to lose it? I blew up and shuffled her into her room so I could walk away but the damage was done. She was crying because she was scared when I yelled and I was crying because I scared her and DS was crying because he was hungry.

You feed the six month old. If he is nursing put he on the other side of you and talk to her. You have a damn brain so use it!

F off, PP.

[Anonymous]

OP, my heart goes out to you. I had twins when I was working a super stressful job and when people asked how I did it I always said--actually, twins is easier than a toddler than an infant. You are in one of the HARDEST stages, one kid nursing/waking you up at night so you are sleep deprived, and toddler in demanding stage PLUS pandemic.

A few suggestions--SLEEP! Remember that sleep deprivation is a form of torture that leads to psychosis. Literally, it can be used in that way. So the way you are behaving can be super heavily influenced by that. Ask DH if there is a way you can switch off on sleeping in on a weekend morning or one of you take both kids out so the other can sleep.
--LEAVE EXTRA TIME. I am the kind of person who hates to be late, and I find that I tend to freak out when it takes forever to get the kids in the car and then we are late and I lose it. Plus something is always bad about DC traffic. I developed a pre-pandemic rule that I would check the google maps time and then add 10 extra minutes to every trip That way I am less stressed getting out the door and in the car when I hit traffic.
--FOOD.heartily endorse the "bring snacks/let them eat in the car"
--DISTRACTION. your oldest is not quite there, but maybe she is close--something like CD books/audible books where there is a picture book that goes along? Plop her in the car with that, even if it's only a short ride home. Amazon sells a bunch that are short versions of Moana/Frozen/Lion King, etc.
--EAR PLUGS. This is my gift to all new parents. I personally find screaming or crying, esp. if you have a colicky baby, puts me over the edge when I am already tired. I always put in ear plugs when holding/walking a crying baby. You can still hear them, but it makes it less ear-splitting. Same for dealing with toddler tantrum. Plus put them in whenever you try to take a nap or it is your turn to go to bed early/sleep in. You'll still hear if there is real screaming, but it makes you less likely to wake up at small noises.

I know it seems super far away, but in about two years one morning you will wake up and wonder why no kid came to get you. And you will find that your children woke up and are playing quietly together. And that will happen more and more and things will just seem delightful. Hang in there, OP, you got this!