Tips for mommy tantrums

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure where to post this so please move if needed.

I’m struggling. I don’t think I have PPD/PPA but lately I am short tempered and I just screamed at my 3 year old. I pick her up from school and her 6month old brother needs to eat right around the same time. DD is over tired and needs to rest, DS is over hungry and needs to eat and it just blows up. Well, I blow up. I just screamed in frustration because exhausted DD was literally crying because she didn’t want to go potty- she just wanted to lay on the floor.

So- how do you calm yourself down when we feel you’re about to lose it? I blew up and shuffled her into her room so I could walk away but the damage was done. She was crying because she was scared when I yelled and I was crying because I scared her and DS was crying because he was hungry.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. What a rough day.

One thing that helps me is to close my eyes and count to ten, allowing the noise to fade for a moment while I catch my breath. And then I force myself to look directly into my kids eyes and get down on his level, while physically touching him even the smallest bit like a hand on the arm; making that reconnection helps us, we can all reset in a way and I try to say something that shows I empathize or say something to distract. I can't lose my sh!t when looking into his eyes and having a physical connection; it just doesn't happen. I can be frustrated or a bit terse, but I don't lose control of my temper.

[Anonymous]

PP rage is real AND super not talked about.

You are not alone. You need to find a psych and a therapist. Youll need to set aside 30 minutes of alone time a day that is not showering, not grocery shopping- talk to your partner or family. This is so very important.

Work on meditation.

Feed the 6mo before you pick up your kid. Having 2 is so very difficult and it is easy to feel overwhelmed and then internalize that, which builds that internal volcano.

And by eat you mean nurse/formula or solids? Solids can be done after "lunch". If its a bottle or nursing, start having her lay down and nurse/bottle feed while she falls asleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. What a rough day.

One thing that helps me is to close my eyes and count to ten, allowing the noise to fade for a moment while I catch my breath. And then I force myself to look directly into my kids eyes and get down on his level, while physically touching him even the smallest bit like a hand on the arm; making that reconnection helps us, we can all reset in a way and I try to say something that shows I empathize or say something to distract. I can't lose my sh!t when looking into his eyes and having a physical connection; it just doesn't happen. I can be frustrated or a bit terse, but I don't lose control of my temper.

This is a great response but I will say that the trigger in PP rage will just build. I could do that 2 out of 3 times but the 3rd I just was too anxious. Its a sub-form of PPA.

[Anonymous]

I take a time-out, and I tell my kids why. I tell them that I am feeling very angry and frustrated, and so I am going to go into another room or area so I can take some deep breaths and calm down. After all, it's what I'm telling them they should do, so this is my chance to model it.

Also, if I do lose my temper, I always apologize and acknowledge that I shouldn't have yelled even if I was really mad. And then we hug or snuggle to re-establish connection.

[Anonymous]

No advice, but sympathy! You're not alone.
Something "simple" like driving a 6 mo to go pick up a 3 yo when everyone needs lunch and nap can't honestly be really difficult. I sometimes think about how just 2 generations ago, moms didn't really "have" to do stuff that involved transporting kids all of the place and dealing with all these scheduling things. The only time kids went places was if they were school age, and they usually took the bus. Moms didn't have to drive babies everywhere.
Anyway.... I would just apologize to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice, but sympathy! You're not alone.
Something "simple" like driving a 6 mo to go pick up a 3 yo when everyone needs lunch and nap can't honestly be really difficult. I sometimes think about how just 2 generations ago, moms didn't really "have" to do stuff that involved transporting kids all of the place and dealing with all these scheduling things. The only time kids went places was if they were school age, and they usually took the bus. Moms didn't have to drive babies everywhere.
Anyway.... I would just apologize to your daughter.

*can honestly* - not can't

[Anonymous]

OP, oh man. Those ages are tough. I definitely remember screaming at my 3 year old when I had a baby too. It all just sucked some times, especially after work and daycare.

I would always apologize for yelling and explain I was feeling frustrated (don't add a "because" on that, just end it there). Then explain after work/daycare is hard for all of you.

Also, cut yourself some slack. I found sometimes I was holding too rigidly to these ideas that I didn't want to get into bad habits, but looking back I should have just let more stuff go. Like just turning on Little Baby Bum to get everyone calmed down and settled.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I'd feed the baby before you get in the car, even if it's not a full feed and just "tops off" the baby until you get home and can do a full feed.

and, when you just can't plan ahead and both are crying, unless someone is in danger, I tend to the youngest first. Feed the baby. disengage from th 3 year old who is lying on the floor sreaming about going potty.

Walk away, go to another room and feed the baby. then you have one problem solved. By the time you finish with the baby your older one will have gotten over her potty trantrum and will either have gone potty herself, fallen asleep on the floor out of tiredness or (more likely) come and find you. The walk from the room down the stairs or down the long hallway to where you are nursing baby willl help to calm her down.

then when baby is fed, you put baby down (or carry in Ergo if won't be put down) and you can tend to your daughter - insist she goes potty, then help her into bed, sing her a song and she can go to sleep.

And if these techniques of

1) pre-plan to feed baby to head those things off AND
2) dealing with the youngest (unless in danger) first, whose problem will be immediately be solved by feeding.

don't work and the rage builds, then it's PPD and you really should see someone. No harm, no foul, many women get it, get help and you'll move through it with help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. What a rough day.

One thing that helps me is to close my eyes and count to ten, allowing the noise to fade for a moment while I catch my breath. And then I force myself to look directly into my kids eyes and get down on his level, while physically touching him even the smallest bit like a hand on the arm; making that reconnection helps us, we can all reset in a way and I try to say something that shows I empathize or say something to distract. I can't lose my sh!t when looking into his eyes and having a physical connection; it just doesn't happen. I can be frustrated or a bit terse, but I don't lose control of my temper.

This is a great response but I will say that the trigger in PP rage will just build. I could do that 2 out of 3 times but the 3rd I just was too anxious. Its a sub-form of PPA.

+2. What helped me? A low dose Zoloft Rx 25mg. My depression manifested as pure blind rage. Even if you can’t get a therapist please consider an exception. And I’m not a pill pusher. But if someone would have urged me sooner, it would have made my interactions a lot more manageable.


Tell your 3yo that you need a mommy time out to handle your emotions. As if she can be a bug helper - read a big to your baby brother while holding this bottle as mommy makes dinner. Step away die a minute. The same way they take a time out if they have a tantrum. It also shows that you practice what you preach. When you come out, explain, apologize, and move on. That teaches that you respect them and they won’t accept intolerable behaviour. They’ll also see your growth.

Ask the 3yo to help with the 6mo. Who cares if they make a little bit of a mess. Let 3yo spoon feed the rice, or wipe off his mouth and hands, help wipe down the table. She may feel important and not excluded. You can also just set a destress time when you get home. Get home, don’t rush into routine - sit 10 minutes listening to music together before getting up. Talk about their day.

You’re in a tough stage. I don’t know your personality but these are things that helped. Hang in there!! Are you a single parent? If so, a babysitter that comes to your house fro. 4-8pm makes a world of a difference. You can also look into that. It changed my life and wasn’t too expensive. Even 2 days a week helped. I found someone in my neighborhood that would pick up from daycare 2x a week, come to the house and help with feeding, evening settle down, dinner, and bath prep. It gave me a few hours to plop on the couch, or lock myself in my bedroom, or go outside for a walk, or to the gym or to run an errand.

I hope you find helpful ideas here OP!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I'd feed the baby before you get in the car, even if it's not a full feed and just "tops off" the baby until you get home and can do a full feed.

and, when you just can't plan ahead and both are crying, unless someone is in danger, I tend to the youngest first. Feed the baby. disengage from th 3 year old who is lying on the floor sreaming about going potty.

Walk away, go to another room and feed the baby. then you have one problem solved. By the time you finish with the baby your older one will have gotten over her potty trantrum and will either have gone potty herself, fallen asleep on the floor out of tiredness or (more likely) come and find you. The walk from the room down the stairs or down the long hallway to where you are nursing baby willl help to calm her down.

then when baby is fed, you put baby down (or carry in Ergo if won't be put down) and you can tend to your daughter - insist she goes potty, then help her into bed, sing her a song and she can go to sleep.

And if these techniques of

1) pre-plan to feed baby to head those things off AND
2) dealing with the youngest (unless in danger) first, whose problem will be immediately be solved by feeding.

don't work and the rage builds, then it's PPD and you really should see someone. No harm, no foul, many women get it, get help and you'll move through it with help!

+1 this is good advice too OP! If the 3yo is cranky while you’re nursing give her a special something to look forward to. I don’t know. A gummy treat die listening to an audio story while she turns the page. A snack in the car during pickup while you give a nurse in the backseat. You can also ask the daycare to feed a bottle close to your pickup time of expressed milk.

[Anonymous]

That's not good Op. You need to talk to a therapist if there is an inbuilt rage about this or anything else. Please don't put your kid through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's not good Op. You need to talk to a therapist if there is an inbuilt rage about this or anything else. Please don't put your kid through this.

What about the OP makes you think she thinks it is good? Way to uselessly pile on someone asking for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's not good Op. You need to talk to a therapist if there is an inbuilt rage about this or anything else. Please don't put your kid through this.

Have you honestly never yelled at your kids?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been there. I’m sorry. I feel real guilt about the times I yelled at my 3 year old when my infant was needy. But thankfully she’s 13 now and we are really close. you need to stop yourself when you hear yourself yelling. Think “if someone saw me, would they be proud or horrified?” If it’s horrified then stop mid sentence and take some deep breaths.