Dating A Man With Kids

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP? if you are in your early 20's I would say don't date him. On the other hand, if you are in your 30's I would say to date him because you are becoming limited in your choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he legally the kid’s parent? I think we need more details.

OP here. No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you OP? if you are in your early 20's I would say don't date him. On the other hand, if you are in your 30's I would say to date him because you are becoming limited in your choices.

OP here. I’m 31.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you OP? if you are in your early 20's I would say don't date him. On the other hand, if you are in your 30's I would say to date him because you are becoming limited in your choices.

Even in her 30s she should pass 9 times out of 10. Limiting your choices isn't a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the story with the child and, presumably, the ex?

OP here. No ex. He took over aiding his friends child with his family. The boy ( toddler) spends 2 weekends and 1 weekend with him.

I think you need to do a bit of research into this story because it doesn't seem right for just a friend of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he legally the kid’s parent? I think we need more details.

OP here. No.

So he's not legally the kids parent in anyway, Is not related to him in any way but has the child 2 days a week and one weekend?

[Anonymous]

This is weird, op.
I don’t understand why a single man would spend so much time with a toddler that isn’t his and that he has no legal relationship with.

Put another way, if he likes this kid so much, adopt him or become a legal guardian.

This will protect both him and the child. It will make it far easier to get medical care, especially if the care is not an emergency.

It will be easier for him to enroll him in activities that he might enjoy, and to get educational services the child may need, even something as simple as extra reading help in school.

Many men have adopted or obtained legal guardianship of children that are not biologically theirs. It used to be very very common, my great-grandfather was a lawyer who did just this sort of work.

What is strange is for a man to spend so much regular time, even taking a child into their home without a legally defined relationship. I wouldn’t date someone who did this.

I wouldn’t want the drama associated with doing all the work of caring for a child, having very good visibility into what that child liked, didn’t like, cared about, didn’t care about, needed, didn’t need, only to have a parent tell me I was doing it wrong. I wouldn’t want to bond with a child only to have the parent tell me I could no longer see the child. I wouldn’t want my plans messed up when the kid got sick. I wouldn’t want to be accused of neglect or abuse by the parent. I also wouldn’t want to deal with whatever issues made the parent not have the child in their life the way most parents do. It’d be too much for me, not when all these issues can go away with a legally defined relationship.

There is also the possibility that this man is lying to you. If you like him, (and I don’t know why you do), I’d swing by his house with some cookies and see what’s going on.


Toddlers are a lot of work. They are in between baby and big kid. My son plays like a little boy in that he has trucks and cars and knows exactly what he wants to play with. He does complex things with his toys that are really creative. He eats the same food we do, he asked me if we could make pizza dough again in our bread maker. On the other hand, he still drinks bottles, formula no less, and wears diapers. He still sleeps in a crib and has a car seat.

Why anybody who isn’t legally related to him would want to have all his stuff at their house or have duplicates of all his stuff is beyond me.

Also, toddlers are routine freaks. It can’t be good for the child to have two weekends and one week a month with this man who will do things differently then whoever else he’s with the rest of the time.

Finally, if he comes back with “I just like to help people” know that I wouldn’t want to date someone who is so involved with another family. I want to be my guy’s prime person. Note, once this family realizes his help may go away, be prepared for them not to like you and to do everything they can to ruin your relationship. There are many people who want to keep a friend or two single so they have free labor.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I didn’t what to divulge much information but he was very close friends ( like brothers) with the dad. They grew up together because their moms were close friends. His girlfriend ( casual) got pregnant ( not planned) and decided she didn’t want to be a mom. She left and signed over full rights to him. His friends passed away unexpectedly and he took over helping are for the toddler. The guys parents are elderly and don’t really have the energy to care for an active toddler. He is the god father and told his friend he would be there to help his parents raise his son. His parents are the child’s legal guardian but he helps them out whenever he can. I would say he’s more like an uncle, but he will get custody once the grandparents are gone.

I have so much respect for him. He’s a incredible guy to do such a thing but it’s a lot to take on. I don’t really know if I can be the woman he needs for this situation. I really like him but I don’t know if I want this responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the clarification. I think you have to be ready to step into a mom role, not even stepmom role, if you decide to date and become serious with this guy. You could always try it on for size and then walk away if it doesn't work. I think the guy would understand.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a nice guy. He can take the kid to dinner instead of me.

[Anonymous]

OP, this has nothing to do with whether this makes him a great guy or not, but everything to do with what you want your life to look like.

Do you want your own children? Can you both afford to take care of this child and also your own? Are there financial provisions for this child (living expenses, college, etc)? Are you comfortable becoming a parent to this child? Eventually the grandparents are likely to become incapacitated or die, leaving your BF as the primary caregiver. There's no way around this - if you marry him then you'll be a parent.

It would be a very different ballgame from meeting another single, childless man and getting married then having your own kids. It might be great, but understand that it would be very different, requiring you to take on similar responsibilities and challenges as with being a step parent.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I not only dated a man with two kids, I married him. And he married me, with four.

So you have 6 kids now??? All the time or does he not have his a lot of the time? How about you? I can imagine that's a lot for anyone to take on.

[Anonymous]

I’m 804, op.

If all this is true (and it could be) your guy needs to adopt the child… now. He is currently in a relationship which offers him as well as the child absolutely no legal protection. He is really no different then the sweet lady at the pound who feeds the cats, a real nice person, doing a good thing, but nothing more. Also, the psychology of being able to say and mean it when you do “this is my son” or “this is my dad” is huge.

Finally, as only a custodial parent, I’d be worried the kid’s mom would show up and try to adopt the kid, remember both men and women can adopt. If your boyfriend is the legal father, he is vastly more protected then he would be as the custodial parent.

As of now, I’d not date this man. Too much has gone on, and while it’s all possible, it isn’t at all probable. His best friend just happened to get a casual girlfriend pregnant, the casual girlfriend just happened to sign away her parental rights, the friend just happened to die, and the grandparents just happened to leverage their beloved son’s best friend yet won’t discuss this friend adopting the child? It doesn’t set well with me.

I’d be worried there is something dark with this friend. Have you mentioned this? If so, how did your boyfriend react? If he snapped at you or made excuses, he isn’t a nice person. Being nice is how you treat the person right in front of you not what you tell the person in front of you all about your good deeds.

If I were you, I’d move on. I might say “call me when you’ve adopted this child” the way a lady might tell a married man “call me when your are officially divorced” but I’d not date someone who is “helping” a family, and not even his family at that. This family has put both him and their grandson in a terrible position, for no good reason, and in a position that could be fixed within a matter of weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 804, op.

If all this is true (and it could be) your guy needs to adopt the child… now. He is currently in a relationship which offers him as well as the child absolutely no legal protection. He is really no different then the sweet lady at the pound who feeds the cats, a real nice person, doing a good thing, but nothing more. Also, the psychology of being able to say and mean it when you do “this is my son” or “this is my dad” is huge.

Finally, as only a custodial parent, I’d be worried the kid’s mom would show up and try to adopt the kid, remember both men and women can adopt. If your boyfriend is the legal father, he is vastly more protected then he would be as the custodial parent.

As of now, I’d not date this man. Too much has gone on, and while it’s all possible, it isn’t at all probable. His best friend just happened to get a casual girlfriend pregnant, the casual girlfriend just happened to sign away her parental rights, the friend just happened to die, and the grandparents just happened to leverage their beloved son’s best friend yet won’t discuss this friend adopting the child? It doesn’t set well with me.

I’d be worried there is something dark with this friend. Have you mentioned this? If so, how did your boyfriend react? If he snapped at you or made excuses, he isn’t a nice person. Being nice is how you treat the person right in front of you not what you tell the person in front of you all about your good deeds.

If I were you, I’d move on. I might say “call me when you’ve adopted this child” the way a lady might tell a married man “call me when your are officially divorced” but I’d not date someone who is “helping” a family, and not even his family at that. This family has put both him and their grandson in a terrible position, for no good reason, and in a position that could be fixed within a matter of weeks.

Other than the part about digging a little deeper to verify the story I disagree with almost all of this post. It's not his kid, there's no reason he should take full responsibility by adopting the child while the grandparents are still able to care for him. It's certainly possible to want to honor the friendship and wait to commit ones self until it is needed.

I agree with the other posts that you need to think about whether this is the life you are interested in.

[Anonymous]

I think his story is BS. That kid is his and he doesn't want the full time responsibility so he pawns the work off on mom and dad he'll get full custody when he finds a woman who will believe his bs and raise the kid for him. 2 nights a week and 1 weekend a month is a custody arrangement not a helpful godfather/ uncle

So I think he's feeding you duck tales or you are trying out your hallmark screenplay on us.