Helping friend whose child died

[Anonymous]

OP I just read this book called "It's OK that you're not OK"

The author's husband drowned in a freak accident.

The book is really for anyone, but focuses on speaking to those who have lost someone in an untimely way, i.e. young husband or a child.

It is SO helpful for someone both in your friend's situation AND in your situation to read this book.

So I would order this book and send it to her, and order one for yourself.

If you look at the reviews, you will see that people are so grateful for this book, which deviates from the "stages of grief" model etc.

The summary is, our culture does not teach about grief, so friends/family of people in grief often make the situation worse by trying to help, but saying and doign the wrong things.

People in grief do NOT want others telling them it will be okay, that they will get past this, that thank God they have two other children, that the child is in a better place, etc. etc.

What people in grief want is someone to witness their pain. To sit there and listen and not try and argue it away.

We all want to do that because we want our loved one to feel better, but it just makes them feel unheard. So we need to just be there, and say things like, "I can't make it better for you, but I'm here to listen."

[Anonymous]

So heartbreaking. If you’re really close to her, I’d suggest going now and later. Sometimes presence alone provides significant comfort. Maybe you can connect with her local support to determine what she might need and how you can help.

[Anonymous]

Talk to HER, not just the mutual friend

[Anonymous]

I recently lost my 10 year old, not due to covid, but during covid.

Unless she specifically says that she wants you to go, please don't. One of the things about losing your child is that it makes you so anxious about another loss. I have always been a parent who let my kids take age appropriate risks, but after my son died, I couldn't. I'd sit in the backyard to watch my 13 year old shoot hoops, because having him out of eyeshot was too much. I could not watch my other child, an experienced baker, take cookies out of the oven, it was just too scary. When I've talked to other parents who have lost a child, many of them told me they did the same thing.

At the same time, I second guess every decision I make. I no longer have confidence in my ability to make even day to day decisions, and so I end up getting bogged down on the simplest decisions. If you called me and said you were going to visit, I'd probably feel frozen and overwhelmed. I might not tell you no, but when you arrived, I'd panic about covid in my house. I'd probably feel the need to quarantine for a couple weeks afterwards, separating my other kids from their grandparents at a point when they desperately need that security.

So, email her or call her and say "I want you to know that if it wasn't covid, I'd be on a plane to see you. If you want me to come despite covid, all you need to do is decide when and tell me. Otherwise, please know that I'm sending my love from here." Make not coming the default unless she specifically asks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently lost my 10 year old, not due to covid, but during covid.

Unless she specifically says that she wants you to go, please don't. One of the things about losing your child is that it makes you so anxious about another loss. I have always been a parent who let my kids take age appropriate risks, but after my son died, I couldn't. I'd sit in the backyard to watch my 13 year old shoot hoops, because having him out of eyeshot was too much. I could not watch my other child, an experienced baker, take cookies out of the oven, it was just too scary. When I've talked to other parents who have lost a child, many of them told me they did the same thing.

At the same time, I second guess every decision I make. I no longer have confidence in my ability to make even day to day decisions, and so I end up getting bogged down on the simplest decisions. If you called me and said you were going to visit, I'd probably feel frozen and overwhelmed. I might not tell you no, but when you arrived, I'd panic about covid in my house. I'd probably feel the need to quarantine for a couple weeks afterwards, separating my other kids from their grandparents at a point when they desperately need that security.

So, email her or call her and say "I want you to know that if it wasn't covid, I'd be on a plane to see you. If you want me to come despite covid, all you need to do is decide when and tell me. Otherwise, please know that I'm sending my love from here." Make not coming the default unless she specifically asks.

NP. Yes to the bold, and also, go once COVID is over (like, numbers are crazy low, most of the population has been vaccinated, all schools everywhere are in person, etc). Not unannounced obviously, but make a point to visit when its safe to do so if she doesn't want a visit during COVID.