Helping friend whose child died

[Anonymous]

My friend's 11 year old son is about to die from the most horrific incident imaginable. He's being taken off life support and it's a matter of days, I believe. I've talked to a mutual friend but not her. She lives in another city (flying distance).

How on earth can I be there for her, particularly in times of Covid? I had Covid in the spring, but am worried a little bit about fading immunity and getting on a plane. She has a huge network of family and friends where she lives, and our mutual friend (no kids, unmarried) is flying out there right now. I've texted my friend and got back a quick response. I know she is obviously spending every minute at the hospital and dealing with this horrible, horrible tragedy.

Should I fly out there? Should I go in a month after things settle down? I know there is obviously nothing I can do to make this better, but I hate feeling so helpless.

I should have more information later today about the timing and if/when there will be a service.

[Anonymous]

Go in a month. Once the immediate shock is past and daily support abates, she'll be suffering and in need.

[Anonymous]

Try to go to the service, and then go later when others are starting to drift away. Bonus points if you can figure out a way to get the vaccine first.

Your poor friend. I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

I would not go.

She knows you are holding her close in your heart.

She will be more lonely in the months to come, when the death sinks in (and she does not have care/death-related tasks to keep her busy).

Write her an amazing note about the child, if you knew him.

[Anonymous]

One small thing you can do is send her a text every day with a heart or praying hands or just the word love to let her know that you are on her mind. She never needs to reply to this it is just a small gesture of support and a reminder that she has not been forgotten and talk about him. Share your memories. You cannot make her feel better. Nothing can. She needs to grieve and that means she’s gonna feel bad for a long time and really forever. Meet her where she is. I am so sorry. One of the things they don’t tell you is how awful it is to watch people you love suffer while you can do nothing for their pain.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sad for that family. I’m so sorry.

Write notes, go later. She’ll be overwhelmed right now and probably doesn’t want to visit with people right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One small thing you can do is send her a text every day with a heart or praying hands or just the word love to let her know that you are on her mind. She never needs to reply to this it is just a small gesture of support and a reminder that she has not been forgotten and talk about him. Share your memories. You cannot make her feel better. Nothing can. She needs to grieve and that means she’s gonna feel bad for a long time and really forever. Meet her where she is. I am so sorry. One of the things they don’t tell you is how awful it is to watch people you love suffer while you can do nothing for their pain.

+1
Great advice/insight here, however I wouldn’t send her a text EVERY single day.

It just might overwhelm her in certain ways.
Maybe she will feel obligated to acknowledge or respond to you more often when she really is in too much pain.
This breaks my 💔.

[Anonymous]

When everyone has gone away is when she needs someone the most. In about a month+ or so, that is when reality sets in and she will continue to feel lost. That's when you reach out to her more. Right now, people don't expect others to be flying and gathering and getting sick.
And during holidays and Mother's Day. Those are the worse.

Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One small thing you can do is send her a text every day with a heart or praying hands or just the word love to let her know that you are on her mind. She never needs to reply to this it is just a small gesture of support and a reminder that she has not been forgotten and talk about him. Share your memories. You cannot make her feel better. Nothing can. She needs to grieve and that means she’s gonna feel bad for a long time and really forever. Meet her where she is. I am so sorry. One of the things they don’t tell you is how awful it is to watch people you love suffer while you can do nothing for their pain.

No. This is invasive and superficial. Please don't do it.

The PP who recommended going in a month when things are quieter - is spot on. That is when she will need you.

And I'm so sorry for your friend and her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go in a month. Once the immediate shock is past and daily support abates, she'll be suffering and in need.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When everyone has gone away is when she needs someone the most. In about a month+ or so, that is when reality sets in and she will continue to feel lost. That's when you reach out to her more. Right now, people don't expect others to be flying and gathering and getting sick.
And during holidays and Mother's Day. Those are the worse.

Best wishes.

This this this. The first everything is so unbelievably hard. His birthday, Mother’s Day, everything. Hell, even the one week anniversary of his death, one month, etc. I guarantee you that she will not forget those things. Knowing others care and haven’t “just gone on with their lives like normal” really helped.

[Anonymous]

Do not go there now.

After he dies send a note/letter/email describing in as much detail you can what you remember fondly about her child, any impact he had on you or others. Promise you will never forget him, etc. If you have any photos on her child dig them up and send them to her or save a couple of good ones to send to her on a future birthday of his.

Go to the service if/when there is one.

In a few months go visit her.

Stay in touch with her over the long run and always remember his birthday, etc.

Generally, do less now (when she is overwhelmed with attention) and more later (when she is adrift).

Signed, a mom who lost one of her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not go there now.

After he dies send a note/letter/email describing in as much detail you can what you remember fondly about her child, any impact he had on you or others. Promise you will never forget him, etc. If you have any photos on her child dig them up and send them to her or save a couple of good ones to send to her on a future birthday of his.

Go to the service if/when there is one.

In a few months go visit her.

Stay in touch with her over the long run and always remember his birthday, etc.

Generally, do less now (when she is overwhelmed with attention) and more later (when she is adrift).

Signed, a mom who lost one of her kids.

new poster here, just wanted to say that I'm so sorry, PP for your loss. And for any others on this thread who have experienced this heartbreaking loss. Sending you love and light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One small thing you can do is send her a text every day with a heart or praying hands or just the word love to let her know that you are on her mind. She never needs to reply to this it is just a small gesture of support and a reminder that she has not been forgotten and talk about him. Share your memories. You cannot make her feel better. Nothing can. She needs to grieve and that means she’s gonna feel bad for a long time and really forever. Meet her where she is. I am so sorry. One of the things they don’t tell you is how awful it is to watch people you love suffer while you can do nothing for their pain.

My husband died by suicide and nothing pissed me off more than the BS emoji texts. What a cop out to actually speaking to your friend.

[Anonymous]

Do not just go. That puts so much pressure on her.

OFFER to go in a month. If it were me, the last thing I would want is someone traveling during COVID on my behalf.