I’ve started yelling at my child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like maybe both of you have anxiety and it’s feeding off of each other. One thing that helps my anxious kid before he got out of control is to grab him and give him a tight, tight hug. He craved connection but would engage in irritating behaviors unless physically stopped.

One of my kids used to make this high-pitched squealing sound that got into my head and drove me crazy, so I get that part.

Maybe some pep classes or books re parenting challenging kids?

This is OP. Yes, we both have anxiety. And sensory issues. My little apple didn’t fall far from the tree on those things. I have taken a bunch of parenting classes and read a bunch of books, so I mostly know what I *should* do but the problem is that I’m as disregulated as she is in that moment when I yell. Janet Lansbury and others would say that it’s important for the adult to be emotionally regulated because the child isn’t. Ok. I believe that. But if I’m not, then how should I get there? I think most experts would say I should build in more “me” time and get more breaks because that’s probably the source of my disregulation, but covid. She’s in daycare but the hours are shortened and I use every second she’s in care for work, plus I work while she’s sleeping and sometimes while she’s watching tv just to get to full time hours.

The PP’s suggestion about mediation is a great one. That feels impossible but I should do it.

[Anonymous]

I second meditation. And be kind to yourself. You’re human. Apologize when you lose it and try to do better next time. You’re not the only one who yells. Especially now when it’s all just too much. But take timeouts when you need them. Count to 10 before you say anything. Breathe. And know she’s really really little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like maybe both of you have anxiety and it’s feeding off of each other. One thing that helps my anxious kid before he got out of control is to grab him and give him a tight, tight hug. He craved connection but would engage in irritating behaviors unless physically stopped.

One of my kids used to make this high-pitched squealing sound that got into my head and drove me crazy, so I get that part.

Maybe some pep classes or books re parenting challenging kids?

This is OP. Yes, we both have anxiety. And sensory issues. My little apple didn’t fall far from the tree on those things. I have taken a bunch of parenting classes and read a bunch of books, so I mostly know what I *should* do but the problem is that I’m as disregulated as she is in that moment when I yell. Janet Lansbury and others would say that it’s important for the adult to be emotionally regulated because the child isn’t. Ok. I believe that. But if I’m not, then how should I get there? I think most experts would say I should build in more “me” time and get more breaks because that’s probably the source of my disregulation, but covid. She’s in daycare but the hours are shortened and I use every second she’s in care for work, plus I work while she’s sleeping and sometimes while she’s watching tv just to get to full time hours.

The PP’s suggestion about mediation is a great one. That feels impossible but I should do it.

I think that a really limitation of parenting people like JL is that they won't acknowledge that some of us (adults and kids) are just more tightly wound than others.

[Anonymous]

Yes to wording requests in a positive not a negative way. When she spills something on the floor, if she is already stressed out and you say "don't step in it" she may hear, even unconsciously, "step in it." So instead, pause, think of how you want to say it, and say something like "please sit down while I get a towel" or "stand by the sink." She is so little--she doesn't know how to solve various problems yet, so you can give her directions. So instead of yelling at her "don't run" say "walk please!"

If she is screaming, show her how to calm down--this is called coregulation. The louder she gets, the quieter you get. Speak softly. Whisper. She will quiet down to hear you.

The more exercise you can give her, especially, outdoors, the better, so she will be tired and sleep well and stay calm. With warm clothes if you're moving around it's not too bad outside...for me the hardest part is getting the will to go out but once I do I'm glad I did.

Also agree with the PP who suggested hugging her tightly, and would add rocking her (do you have a rocking chair?), gently wrapping in a blanket, or swinging her (I like to stand behind and pick up under the arms--less chance of hurting her shoulders) or other ways to give her some sensory input and closeness with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes to wording requests in a positive not a negative way. When she spills something on the floor, if she is already stressed out and you say "don't step in it" she may hear, even unconsciously, "step in it." So instead, pause, think of how you want to say it, and say something like "please sit down while I get a towel" or "stand by the sink." She is so little--she doesn't know how to solve various problems yet, so you can give her directions. So instead of yelling at her "don't run" say "walk please!"

If she is screaming, show her how to calm down--this is called coregulation. The louder she gets, the quieter you get. Speak softly. Whisper. She will quiet down to hear you.

The more exercise you can give her, especially, outdoors, the better, so she will be tired and sleep well and stay calm. With warm clothes if you're moving around it's not too bad outside...for me the hardest part is getting the will to go out but once I do I'm glad I did.

Also agree with the PP who suggested hugging her tightly, and would add rocking her (do you have a rocking chair?), gently wrapping in a blanket, or swinging her (I like to stand behind and pick up under the arms--less chance of hurting her shoulders) or other ways to give her some sensory input and closeness with you.

This is OP. Thank you for these very specific suggestions. We already go outside every day. We have to. She’s very high energy. But I have never tried giving her sensory input as she’s amping up. She will sometimes agree to being “rocked like a baby” when I’m trying to get her out of a meltdown. I wrap her in a blanket and rock her. But once she’s amped up, she’s very hard to comfort. We were working on that with a psychologist and OT before the pandemic but then both moved online and she won’t zoom. It’s just been hard (not universally hard — things like smaller class size have been great for her). But a lot of it has been hard and I think I’ve hit a wall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like maybe both of you have anxiety and it’s feeding off of each other. One thing that helps my anxious kid before he got out of control is to grab him and give him a tight, tight hug. He craved connection but would engage in irritating behaviors unless physically stopped.

One of my kids used to make this high-pitched squealing sound that got into my head and drove me crazy, so I get that part.

Maybe some pep classes or books re parenting challenging kids?

This is OP. Yes, we both have anxiety. And sensory issues. My little apple didn’t fall far from the tree on those things. I have taken a bunch of parenting classes and read a bunch of books, so I mostly know what I *should* do but the problem is that I’m as disregulated as she is in that moment when I yell. Janet Lansbury and others would say that it’s important for the adult to be emotionally regulated because the child isn’t. Ok. I believe that. But if I’m not, then how should I get there? I think most experts would say I should build in more “me” time and get more breaks because that’s probably the source of my disregulation, but covid. She’s in daycare but the hours are shortened and I use every second she’s in care for work, plus I work while she’s sleeping and sometimes while she’s watching tv just to get to full time hours.

The PP’s suggestion about mediation is a great one. That feels impossible but I should do it.

I think that a really limitation of parenting people like JL is that they won't acknowledge that some of us (adults and kids) are just more tightly wound than others.

This is OP. I agree! So much of what Janet Lansbury suggests is or would be a disaster for my child. She says to tell the child what you want/expect/are asking them to do and then, if they don’t do it, “help” them do it by physically moving their body. Like ask DD to pick up toys and then take her hand and physically make her pick up the toys. DD would then have a 3 hour, hysterical fit if I did that. I like a lot of the principles about respecting the child, but a lot of what’s in Lansbury doesn’t work for my child (who admittedly isn’t neurotypical).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like maybe both of you have anxiety and it’s feeding off of each other. One thing that helps my anxious kid before he got out of control is to grab him and give him a tight, tight hug. He craved connection but would engage in irritating behaviors unless physically stopped.

One of my kids used to make this high-pitched squealing sound that got into my head and drove me crazy, so I get that part.

Maybe some pep classes or books re parenting challenging kids?

This is OP. Yes, we both have anxiety. And sensory issues. My little apple didn’t fall far from the tree on those things. I have taken a bunch of parenting classes and read a bunch of books, so I mostly know what I *should* do but the problem is that I’m as disregulated as she is in that moment when I yell. Janet Lansbury and others would say that it’s important for the adult to be emotionally regulated because the child isn’t. Ok. I believe that. But if I’m not, then how should I get there? I think most experts would say I should build in more “me” time and get more breaks because that’s probably the source of my disregulation, but covid. She’s in daycare but the hours are shortened and I use every second she’s in care for work, plus I work while she’s sleeping and sometimes while she’s watching tv just to get to full time hours.

The PP’s suggestion about mediation is a great one. That feels impossible but I should do it.

I think that a really limitation of parenting people like JL is that they won't acknowledge that some of us (adults and kids) are just more tightly wound than others.

This is OP. I agree! So much of what Janet Lansbury suggests is or would be a disaster for my child. She says to tell the child what you want/expect/are asking them to do and then, if they don’t do it, “help” them do it by physically moving their body. Like ask DD to pick up toys and then take her hand and physically make her pick up the toys. DD would then have a 3 hour, hysterical fit if I did that. I like a lot of the principles about respecting the child, but a lot of what’s in Lansbury doesn’t work for my child (who admittedly isn’t neurotypical).

That advice is for 18 month old children. And I think it is very sensible.

But for older children (5 or 8 or older), that time has passed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like maybe both of you have anxiety and it’s feeding off of each other. One thing that helps my anxious kid before he got out of control is to grab him and give him a tight, tight hug. He craved connection but would engage in irritating behaviors unless physically stopped.

One of my kids used to make this high-pitched squealing sound that got into my head and drove me crazy, so I get that part.

Maybe some pep classes or books re parenting challenging kids?

This is OP. Yes, we both have anxiety. And sensory issues. My little apple didn’t fall far from the tree on those things. I have taken a bunch of parenting classes and read a bunch of books, so I mostly know what I *should* do but the problem is that I’m as disregulated as she is in that moment when I yell. Janet Lansbury and others would say that it’s important for the adult to be emotionally regulated because the child isn’t. Ok. I believe that. But if I’m not, then how should I get there? I think most experts would say I should build in more “me” time and get more breaks because that’s probably the source of my disregulation, but covid. She’s in daycare but the hours are shortened and I use every second she’s in care for work, plus I work while she’s sleeping and sometimes while she’s watching tv just to get to full time hours.

The PP’s suggestion about mediation is a great one. That feels impossible but I should do it.

I think that a really limitation of parenting people like JL is that they won't acknowledge that some of us (adults and kids) are just more tightly wound than others.

This is OP. I agree! So much of what Janet Lansbury suggests is or would be a disaster for my child. She says to tell the child what you want/expect/are asking them to do and then, if they don’t do it, “help” them do it by physically moving their body. Like ask DD to pick up toys and then take her hand and physically make her pick up the toys. DD would then have a 3 hour, hysterical fit if I did that. I like a lot of the principles about respecting the child, but a lot of what’s in Lansbury doesn’t work for my child (who admittedly isn’t neurotypical).

That advice is for 18 month old children. And I think it is very sensible.

But for older children (5 or 8 or older), that time has passed.

This is OP. We don’t need to sort this out in this thread, but that advice has never worked for my child. I read Lansbury when she was a young toddler, and forcing her to do things sparked long, dramatic meltdowns back then as well. Some parenting methods work for some parents and kids and other parenting methods work better for other parents and kids.

[Anonymous]

When you need to regroup maybe just calmly say you need to pee & go regroup a bit in the washroom.

If she is into stories another tactic is to pick up a story and very quietly start reading it aloud. If she wants to hear it she will need to settle and draw near.

Or in the chaos maybe suggest a warm bubble bath to play in for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse.

Super helpful. OP knows she shouldn't be yelling.

but also the jump from yelling to... verbal abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like maybe both of you have anxiety and it’s feeding off of each other. One thing that helps my anxious kid before he got out of control is to grab him and give him a tight, tight hug. He craved connection but would engage in irritating behaviors unless physically stopped.

One of my kids used to make this high-pitched squealing sound that got into my head and drove me crazy, so I get that part.

Maybe some pep classes or books re parenting challenging kids?

This is OP. Yes, we both have anxiety. And sensory issues. My little apple didn’t fall far from the tree on those things. I have taken a bunch of parenting classes and read a bunch of books, so I mostly know what I *should* do but the problem is that I’m as disregulated as she is in that moment when I yell. Janet Lansbury and others would say that it’s important for the adult to be emotionally regulated because the child isn’t. Ok. I believe that. But if I’m not, then how should I get there? I think most experts would say I should build in more “me” time and get more breaks because that’s probably the source of my disregulation, but covid. She’s in daycare but the hours are shortened and I use every second she’s in care for work, plus I work while she’s sleeping and sometimes while she’s watching tv just to get to full time hours.

The PP’s suggestion about mediation is a great one. That feels impossible but I should do it.

I think that a really limitation of parenting people like JL is that they won't acknowledge that some of us (adults and kids) are just more tightly wound than others.

This is OP. I agree! So much of what Janet Lansbury suggests is or would be a disaster for my child. She says to tell the child what you want/expect/are asking them to do and then, if they don’t do it, “help” them do it by physically moving their body. Like ask DD to pick up toys and then take her hand and physically make her pick up the toys. DD would then have a 3 hour, hysterical fit if I did that. I like a lot of the principles about respecting the child, but a lot of what’s in Lansbury doesn’t work for my child (who admittedly isn’t neurotypical).

That advice is for 18 month old children. And I think it is very sensible.

But for older children (5 or 8 or older), that time has passed.

This is OP. We don’t need to sort this out in this thread, but that advice has never worked for my child. I read Lansbury when she was a young toddler, and forcing her to do things sparked long, dramatic meltdowns back then as well. Some parenting methods work for some parents and kids and other parenting methods work better for other parents and kids.

PP here. Of course JL won't work for everybody. There have been plenty of posters over the years who don't like her, for various reasons. Her key advice about parents providing the emotional regulation to dysregulated children is important and, often enough, the hardest part.

As for "making" a toddler put a toy away or, more relevantly, "preventing" a toddler from hitting or throwing a toy, it's not about forcing a child to do something, it was about showing them the proper behavior in language they can understand. For preverbal children, guiding their hand and stopping them from hitting is speaking their language, not forcing them to behave properly.

My kids are older and I have a lot of sympathy about the yelling child. I myself have hearing loss and don't always wear my hearing aids at home, it just makes everything more pleasant. If only I could convince DH to wear noise-reducing earphones...

[Anonymous]

OP, even if you aren't the parent you want to be for the next few months, your kid will be okay and you will be okay. You are clearly self-aware, you have sought out a lot of resources. Right now, it's just not possible to access some of those external resources and respites. But, things are going to start easing up and you will be able to get back to the support system you built, for now just survive. My kid is older, but sounds really similar. I just try to make sure we have some time each day when we really enjoy each others' company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse.

It wasn't for me. My dad was a mean drunk and would hit me but not my older brother. Yelling didn't even make me raise an eyebrow since it happened so frequently in our house.

+1

[Anonymous]

One thing I have always heard, whether it relates to adults or to children is that the more out of control someone else is, the more in control you have to be. When a child is having a tantrum, he/she is out of control and can no longer respond rationally. Little kids get out of control easily and need you, as the adult, to help them. Try it. Try to respond the exact opposite of what you have been doing. It might not change things immediately, but I promise you that you will start to see things change. And you won't damage the relationship you have with your daughter in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I have always heard, whether it relates to adults or to children is that the more out of control someone else is, the more in control you have to be. When a child is having a tantrum, he/she is out of control and can no longer respond rationally. Little kids get out of control easily and need you, as the adult, to help them. Try it. Try to respond the exact opposite of what you have been doing. It might not change things immediately, but I promise you that you will start to see things change. And you won't damage the relationship you have with your daughter in the process.

This is OP. To be clear, 98 percent of the time I stay calm while she’s melting down. And she just continues to flip her tiny little lid. But 2 percent of the time I am triggered.