I’ve started yelling at my child

[Anonymous]

I have become a mom who yells. My daughter is 4. Somehow I’m finding this age very aggravating. I ask her not to do something (like “don’t step on that [food you just dropped on the floor]”) and she does the EXACT thing I just asked her not to do. So I yell. Or she has a meltdown and starts screaming, actually screaming, and I get concerned about the neighbors complaining, so I yell at her to JUST STOP. I know it doesn’t help and won’t make her stop. My behavior it’s rational. And I feel awful afterwards. But I’m not sure how to do better. When I feel myself getting to the point of yelling, I have tried telling her that I need to take a break, and she freaks out and has a meltdown. She doesn’t want me to remove myself. If I try to go into another room, she starts screaming and shrieking and will beat on the door for me to come out. I am a single mom, so there is no other parent who can intervene. Time outs also don’t work well with her. She also screams and shrieks, which is a problem in an apartment. And honestly it’s part of what’s triggering me. When she’s having a meltdown she will repeat the same phrase over and over (like “I don’t want you to leave”) — but she might say it 200 times and it drives me mad, until I snap and yell at her to JUST STOP BECAUSE I’M LOSING MY MIND. So, what do I do here?

[Anonymous]

I meant my behavior isn’t rational.

[Anonymous]

It takes about 30 times for someone to see the results of a choice - so switching up things means you won't see results. Currently it seems like she screams or bangs and you feel the need to change course, so she sees that strategy as successful. "I will come out when you are quiet - let's take ten belly breaths together now" rinse and repeat. As soon as she stops screaming you come out. The time will shorten for the screaming over time as she sees that you don't come when she screams but come immediately when it is quiet.

She is exerting control - which is good and normal. Can you try to phrase things in the affirmative (and I am not a don't say no it damages kids believer, but I do believe you can win the game against toddlers). So not, don't step on the food, but " can you take two monster hops to the fridge - in the direction away from the food ?? Great work! Do you want to sweep the crackers up or use the dust buster? Great choice. Basically limit the times she can defy you by not telling her what will piss you off.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like maybe both of you have anxiety and it’s feeding off of each other. One thing that helps my anxious kid before he got out of control is to grab him and give him a tight, tight hug. He craved connection but would engage in irritating behaviors unless physically stopped.

One of my kids used to make this high-pitched squealing sound that got into my head and drove me crazy, so I get that part.

Maybe some pep classes or books re parenting challenging kids?

[Anonymous]

"How to Talk So Little Kids will Listen" (or whatever, can't remember the title) has a good chapter about recovering from angry outbursts.

We all yell sometimes. It doesn't make you a bad person. At least you're not yelling insults or saying things like I wish you weren't born. It is human to get angry and raise your voice.

I hate to say this, but maybe just don't worry so much about your neighbors? Kids have meltdowns and are noisy. If your neighbors are that concerned about it, they should live in a detached house or an adults-only complex.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand. My kid yells so I yell too. I'm supposed to be the adult and better behaved/more mature but it's really hard.

Can you spend more time outside? It's cold but today was sunny and tomorrow should be sunny too. Walking around the neighborhood, playing at a playground, anything. It helps when my kids are on my last nerve.

[Anonymous]

Verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse.

[Anonymous]

OP, I found Janet Lansbury to help me so much with this type of thing. I would highly recommend her book "No Bad Kids".

It's a tough time OP. Give yourself some grace. Maybe start doing daily meditation while DD is watching a video or something?

[Anonymous]

OP, on one point-- I have ADHD/anxiety/sensory issues and found that I needed literal earplugs when my kid was melting down. I could still hear, but it didn't make me want to literally rip my skin off. I would tell her that I needed them but could still hear her. Might be one small part of the solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse.

Super helpful. OP knows she shouldn't be yelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"How to Talk So Little Kids will Listen" (or whatever, can't remember the title) has a good chapter about recovering from angry outbursts.

We all yell sometimes. It doesn't make you a bad person. At least you're not yelling insults or saying things like I wish you weren't born. It is human to get angry and raise your voice.

I hate to say this, but maybe just don't worry so much about your neighbors? Kids have meltdowns and are noisy. If your neighbors are that concerned about it, they should live in a detached house or an adults-only complex.

This is OP. I have read this book but didn’t remember that it had this chapter. I will go back to re-read. When I read the book, I wasn’t a yeller! This is new for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, on one point-- I have ADHD/anxiety/sensory issues and found that I needed literal earplugs when my kid was melting down. I could still hear, but it didn't make me want to literally rip my skin off. I would tell her that I needed them but could still hear her. Might be one small part of the solution.

Thank you. I actually ordered both ear plugs and one of those door stoppers that blocks the air. I’m hoping it will also block some sound. I am quite sure DD will take offense at the ear plugs but I will have to figure out some way to cross that bridge when we get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse.

It wasn't for me. My dad was a mean drunk and would hit me but not my older brother. Yelling didn't even make me raise an eyebrow since it happened so frequently in our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse.

It wasn't for me. My dad was a mean drunk and would hit me but not my older brother. Yelling didn't even make me raise an eyebrow since it happened so frequently in our house.

This is OP. I’m sorry you experienced all of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse.

Super helpful. OP knows she shouldn't be yelling.

And really, "STOP SCREAMING!" or "I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT!" is not going to get the behavior you want, but it's not verbal abuse which tears a child down.

I have a kid who sounds a lot like yours and mine has not grown out of it like many of her peers. It is so incredibly hard when I try to take a break and she is outside my door screaming or pounding on the door. Her therapist suggested noise canceling headphones for those moments. I also lived in an apt and that is extra stress that will put your nerves on edge. When my daughter was younger, I found that getting out of the apt, even for a short time really helped. I also told her when we were both calm that if she screamed a lot, one of the neighbors might think I was being mean to her and call the police. Clearly, you don't want to put fears in a kid's head, but it was a real concern. I 2nd the book How to talk so kids will listen and other books on positive parenting. You have all my sympathies, OP. It's tough and being hard on yourself will just make you more stressed and more on edge.