Christmas Family Drama— Multiple Choice Quiz!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not asking about this, but I'd work on apologizing better than accepting "full responsibility for doing whatever it was that had upset her." Clearly she must have told you, but you haven't owned it. This is your problem.

Or her sister has her own sh*t and is putting it on her.

Okay, OP. We'll see ya here next year with a new dose of drama!

Wait, OP has a sister who is so mad she won’t speak to her and she doesn’t know what for? Sorry, a bit slow, I was up really early.

This is what she's claiming. Obviously she knows....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A. You got her a gift. You told her about the gift. Give her the gift.

Then, drop the rope. Ball is in her court. If she makes no further effort or contact, follow that lead.

This. And, also, I'm very sorry. I have a sister. We've had our ups-and-downs...including a prolonged frost-out period (though not as long).

At some point, you forgive your sister. Or you at least you explain what happened and you talk it through and come to some kind of understanding. My sister and I have said (or, at a crucial moment, not said) things that might be unforgivable from a friend, but each time we found our way back. This is on your sister right now.

If I were you, I would probably keep buying gifts every year. Not because it's "right", but because that's how I would feel most like I keep trying...but also I would not expect anything in return. And I would also keep reminding myself that this is her issue, not mine.

[Anonymous]

^^PP again. My point in the above is that we're not always perfect siblings. You sound like you want to fix whatever's wrong. You sound like you love your sister. This is not your fault.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you want to reconcile, so she is a decent person in your eyes. I would continue giving gifts. You give because you want to, not for the return.

[Anonymous]

This is not about gifts! You "apparently said something" that offended her. You apologized many times for "whatever" that was. That is NOT "full responsibility"! So wt heck was it? Tell us, in your own words, what upset your sister four years ago.

A lot of times, people who "have no idea why!!" others have issues with them, have been told exactly why.

And, gifts are nothing. I am sure she doesn't care about your gift. It sounds like you care about her giving you gifts, but don't care about how you offended her.

[Anonymous]

A.

[Anonymous]

A. Be kind.

I have to ask if you were drunk or high during the bachelorette party? Do you honestly not remember?

Maybe in the new year, you could dig in and tell your sister that you can’t recall what you said—ask her to repeat what hurt her so deeply and go from there. Be as calm and as pragmatic as you can be with her - don’t get defensive.

Then come back here and post the conversation and we can collectively help you!

[Anonymous]

Wait, you don’t know where to send your sister her gift?

[Anonymous]

I don't vote for A before another option.

Just get her address from your parents and then send on the gift.

If that doesn't work, then I vote for option A.

[Anonymous]

So much to unpack here.

The obvious answer is A. But that's not even scratching the surface of the issues.

First, nobody writes someone out of their life over a single incident/statement/insult if they otherwise loved and cherished that person. My guess is that there is a long history of tension - whether you recognized it or acknowledged it or not - and whatever happened at the bachelorette party is just an excuse because she doesn't actually want to have a relationship with you too begin with. You need to go waaaaay further back to figure out why she dislikes you so much.

(Speaking as someone who had an on-again-off-again relationship with my own sister for about 15 years. She could apologize until the cows came home for any specific incident, but the bottom line is just that I hated dealing with her constant attitude and drama. Whenever it got to be too much, I'd take a break for a few years, and she'd go around acting like the victim because I wouldn't accept her apology for the latest insult when in fact it was years of minor things building up. We only truly reconciled when she mellowed in her 40s. I thank her husband for that, he does an amazing job of tempering down her drama.)

Second, you truly don't know her address? Ok, that's even worse than sis and I were at our worst. If she moved without somehow getting word to you, she clearly doesn't want a relationship. It's time to stop forcing it. Just give her the gift and let her move on. If and when she's ready, you'll know. But don't be petty and hold back a present that you told her is coming, that's just childish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, you don’t know where to send your sister her gift?

OP sent sister's gift to OP's address, because OP expected it to arrive in time to give in person at Christmas. But it was late. Now, OP has to receive and then send it out again.

Probably too much effort from OP. She would like to not have to do it, which is why OP started this thread hoping to get out of doing the decent thing. After all, OP's sister got OP nothing. And OP has a BABY! She is very important and must be recognized as such.

OP believes a flippant multiple choice quiz is where this is at. A gift-giving conundrum. How the hell did she not get a gift when she has a BABY??

Nevermind a four-years-long "misunderstanding" with her sister, who is still bent out of shape over absolutely nothing, according to OP's friends!! But sigh, I suppose OP will do the right thing and get her butt to the post office to resend the package, which clearly she would rather keep for herself, because she deserves it better.

It is all about OP!!

[Anonymous]

Sister found the thread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sister found the thread!

I WISH sister found the thread, so we could find out what the OP did to her.

OP says she is "always interested" in others' opinions and points of view! My point of view is that she is a vile narcissist, interested only in herself, and repricocity ( can't deal with re-sending a gift when she didn't get one herself) and her own status (a baby!). It is all there in OP's post. She did something she can't even admit. She calls it "something" and "whatever." Her poor sister does not need her gift. So here ya go, OP, I give you permission. Keep it. And shut up, and leave your sister alone. She is better off without your toxic ass.

[Anonymous]

A.

I then think you should call her and actually talk to her. Not in a voicemail or email but in person/over the phone. Ask her if she is upset with you. Listen. Make sure your apology is genuine ie not I'm sorry you were upset or I didn't mean it that way. Tell her that you are genuinely upset for hurting her and want to know how you can make things better. If she still doesn't accept your apology then I would leave it with her.

Listen to her, don't try to dismiss anything she says, just listen. If she doesn't want to talk about it then there isn't much you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much to unpack here.

The obvious answer is A. But that's not even scratching the surface of the issues.

First, nobody writes someone out of their life over a single incident/statement/insult if they otherwise loved and cherished that person. My guess is that there is a long history of tension - whether you recognized it or acknowledged it or not - and whatever happened at the bachelorette party is just an excuse because she doesn't actually want to have a relationship with you too begin with. You need to go waaaaay further back to figure out why she dislikes you so much.

(Speaking as someone who had an on-again-off-again relationship with my own sister for about 15 years. She could apologize until the cows came home for any specific incident, but the bottom line is just that I hated dealing with her constant attitude and drama. Whenever it got to be too much, I'd take a break for a few years, and she'd go around acting like the victim because I wouldn't accept her apology for the latest insult when in fact it was years of minor things building up. We only truly reconciled when she mellowed in her 40s. I thank her husband for that, he does an amazing job of tempering down her drama.)

Second, you truly don't know her address? Ok, that's even worse than sis and I were at our worst. If she moved without somehow getting word to you, she clearly doesn't want a relationship. It's time to stop forcing it. Just give her the gift and let her move on. If and when she's ready, you'll know. But don't be petty and hold back a present that you told her is coming, that's just childish.

Did you ever talk to her though, did you ever tell her what your problem with her was or did you just expect her to change or know what the issue was.