Logistics of separating from husband when kids are involved

[Anonymous]

Divorced guy with 3 young kids. Start with a mediator to try to limit paying into the ‘legal industrial complex’. But if that doesn’t work then get an attorney and suggest he does the same. Unfortunately you have to hope that your soon to be ex partner is cooperative enough that you can minimize legal expenses. Separately, you may want to go into all sorts of contortions to make things normal for your child... like bird nesting. I think it’s a waste of time and the best thing for everyone is to get it over with as soon as possible while minimizing conflict. Recognizing that the future is now and you are moving on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Divorced guy with 3 young kids. Start with a mediator to try to limit paying into the ‘legal industrial complex’. But if that doesn’t work then get an attorney and suggest he does the same. Unfortunately you have to hope that your soon to be ex partner is cooperative enough that you can minimize legal expenses. Separately, you may want to go into all sorts of contortions to make things normal for your child... like bird nesting. I think it’s a waste of time and the best thing for everyone is to get it over with as soon as possible while minimizing conflict. Recognizing that the future is now and you are moving on.

Beware, a mediator may not be trained to help you retain your rights, and they are definitely not advocating for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't birdnest, it's stupid.

OP here. Why would you think so? I thought that it would be better for the child to stay in the environment they are used to and let the parents alternate. I know this is different, but we both travel several times a year for a couple of weeks at a time, so being with just one of us is not completely foreign to our DC. Also to clarify, I do not necessarily see this separation as a definite path toward divorce. I mentioned that I do not feel like saving the relationship, but I mostly meant under the current circumstances. Right now I can't even stand to look at my husband, let alone talk to him. I just don't want to be anywhere close to him. Whenever I walk out of the house for whatever reason I feel immediately happier. I am thinking of the separation as a tool to figure out whether this is pandemic related or if the differences we are discovering on daily basis are impossible to work out at this stage. In case I conclude it is the latter I do not want to compromise my chances to retain custody of my child in case I am the one who moves out. In that case I would be proposing 50/50 because my husband is actually a phenomenal dad. Unfortunately, that does not translate so much into being a great husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't birdnest, it's stupid.

OP here. Why would you think so? I thought that it would be better for the child to stay in the environment they are used to and let the parents alternate. I know this is different, but we both travel several times a year for a couple of weeks at a time, so being with just one of us is not completely foreign to our DC. Also to clarify, I do not necessarily see this separation as a definite path toward divorce. I mentioned that I do not feel like saving the relationship, but I mostly meant under the current circumstances. Right now I can't even stand to look at my husband, let alone talk to him. I just don't want to be anywhere close to him. Whenever I walk out of the house for whatever reason I feel immediately happier. I am thinking of the separation as a tool to figure out whether this is pandemic related or if the differences we are discovering on daily basis are impossible to work out at this stage. In case I conclude it is the latter I do not want to compromise my chances to retain custody of my child in case I am the one who moves out. In that case I would be proposing 50/50 because my husband is actually a phenomenal dad. Unfortunately, that does not translate so much into being a great husband.

Np - have you considered talking to a therapist and then a lawyer? Usually a move out of the marital home indicates that there is little chance of reconciliation. Also, it’s not good to yank the child around while mom and dad figure things out (eg if you move out and then decide to move back in). It sounds like a better move for you at the moment would be into a separate bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't birdnest, it's stupid.

OP here. Why would you think so? I thought that it would be better for the child to stay in the environment they are used to and let the parents alternate. I know this is different, but we both travel several times a year for a couple of weeks at a time, so being with just one of us is not completely foreign to our DC. Also to clarify, I do not necessarily see this separation as a definite path toward divorce. I mentioned that I do not feel like saving the relationship, but I mostly meant under the current circumstances. Right now I can't even stand to look at my husband, let alone talk to him. I just don't want to be anywhere close to him. Whenever I walk out of the house for whatever reason I feel immediately happier. I am thinking of the separation as a tool to figure out whether this is pandemic related or if the differences we are discovering on daily basis are impossible to work out at this stage. In case I conclude it is the latter I do not want to compromise my chances to retain custody of my child in case I am the one who moves out. In that case I would be proposing 50/50 because my husband is actually a phenomenal dad. Unfortunately, that does not translate so much into being a great husband.

Because most divorcing couples don't get along well enough to co-manage a household in the long term, let alone a house and an apartment. And because it doesn't mesh very well with having a new relationship in your life.

This isn't going to be anything resembling normal for your child. I think it's best to accept that. Bird-nesting parents are a totally different thing from business travel. Your child will be able to tell the difference, and constantly changing caregivers is just as disruptive as constantly changing homes. The rules change, the food changes, the parents fight over how to manage the home and who left a mess for who to clean up and who didn't get groceries, it's a mess. Better to just let Mom's house be Mom's house and Dad's house be Dad's. At least someone's steering the ship at each.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't birdnest, it's stupid.

OP here. Why would you think so? I thought that it would be better for the child to stay in the environment they are used to and let the parents alternate. I know this is different, but we both travel several times a year for a couple of weeks at a time, so being with just one of us is not completely foreign to our DC. Also to clarify, I do not necessarily see this separation as a definite path toward divorce. I mentioned that I do not feel like saving the relationship, but I mostly meant under the current circumstances. Right now I can't even stand to look at my husband, let alone talk to him. I just don't want to be anywhere close to him. Whenever I walk out of the house for whatever reason I feel immediately happier. I am thinking of the separation as a tool to figure out whether this is pandemic related or if the differences we are discovering on daily basis are impossible to work out at this stage. In case I conclude it is the latter I do not want to compromise my chances to retain custody of my child in case I am the one who moves out. In that case I would be proposing 50/50 because my husband is actually a phenomenal dad. Unfortunately, that does not translate so much into being a great husband.

exactly why birdnesting is stupid. it's for people who can't make up their mind. separate beds are best in your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't birdnest, it's stupid.

OP here. Why would you think so? I thought that it would be better for the child to stay in the environment they are used to and let the parents alternate. I know this is different, but we both travel several times a year for a couple of weeks at a time, so being with just one of us is not completely foreign to our DC. Also to clarify, I do not necessarily see this separation as a definite path toward divorce. I mentioned that I do not feel like saving the relationship, but I mostly meant under the current circumstances. Right now I can't even stand to look at my husband, let alone talk to him. I just don't want to be anywhere close to him. Whenever I walk out of the house for whatever reason I feel immediately happier. I am thinking of the separation as a tool to figure out whether this is pandemic related or if the differences we are discovering on daily basis are impossible to work out at this stage. In case I conclude it is the latter I do not want to compromise my chances to retain custody of my child in case I am the one who moves out. In that case I would be proposing 50/50 because my husband is actually a phenomenal dad. Unfortunately, that does not translate so much into being a great husband.

Because most divorcing couples don't get along well enough to co-manage a household in the long term, let alone a house and an apartment. And because it doesn't mesh very well with having a new relationship in your life.

This isn't going to be anything resembling normal for your child. I think it's best to accept that. Bird-nesting parents are a totally different thing from business travel. Your child will be able to tell the difference, and constantly changing caregivers is just as disruptive as constantly changing homes. The rules change, the food changes, the parents fight over how to manage the home and who left a mess for who to clean up and who didn't get groceries, it's a mess. Better to just let Mom's house be Mom's house and Dad's house be Dad's. At least someone's steering the ship at each.

It can work with certain couples. No issues at all when I did it temporarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Divorced guy with 3 young kids. Start with a mediator to try to limit paying into the ‘legal industrial complex’. But if that doesn’t work then get an attorney and suggest he does the same. Unfortunately you have to hope that your soon to be ex partner is cooperative enough that you can minimize legal expenses. Separately, you may want to go into all sorts of contortions to make things normal for your child... like bird nesting. I think it’s a waste of time and the best thing for everyone is to get it over with as soon as possible while minimizing conflict. Recognizing that the future is now and you are moving on.

Beware, a mediator may not be trained to help you retain your rights, and they are definitely not advocating for you!

NP. You can use a mediator and still have an attorney. It's still cheaper than litigating, but yes, there will be fees. I would never do mediation without an attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Divorced guy with 3 young kids. Start with a mediator to try to limit paying into the ‘legal industrial complex’. But if that doesn’t work then get an attorney and suggest he does the same. Unfortunately you have to hope that your soon to be ex partner is cooperative enough that you can minimize legal expenses. Separately, you may want to go into all sorts of contortions to make things normal for your child... like bird nesting. I think it’s a waste of time and the best thing for everyone is to get it over with as soon as possible while minimizing conflict. Recognizing that the future is now and you are moving on.

Beware, a mediator may not be trained to help you retain your rights, and they are definitely not advocating for you!

NP. You can use a mediator and still have an attorney. It's still cheaper than litigating, but yes, there will be fees. I would never do mediation without an attorney.

+1. That is exactly what I did. It really is the cheapest option and you can still have an attorney review documents and advise you.