Separate meals for the teenager?

[Anonymous]

Are you saying sometimes you eat nuggets and hot dogs (obviously not exact examples) or are you saying you expect your daughter to never eat her preferred food.

[Anonymous]

We have 4 teens/tweens. (11, 12, 15, 18) Our 15 year old does not eat red meat and hasn't since he was 3. Often he will eat part of what we are having for dinner such as the starch and vegetable and then fill in with scrambled eggs, yogurt or a pb+j. Otherwise everyone eats what is served. The kids take turns cooking meals as well. Once a week we will talk about meals for the upcoming week and everyone gets to suggest a meal or two. We have a whiteboard in the kitchen where I list meals we have to have this week because we have fresh items that need to be cooked and a list of meal options based on what is in the freezer. My youngest recently added a clock symbol to the meals that need to be prepped early in the day such as crock pot meals and roasts.

Everyone is responsible for their own breakfast and lunch including clean up. Lunch is either leftovers or a non cooked like a sandwich/salad.

The system isn't perfect but it works for us. Every once in a while I will end up cooking multiple things. Last night DH really wanted chicken noodle soup. I make that often and got that going mid afternoon. But I was really in the mood for chili so I decided to make that too. Youngest kid had earned a "treat meal" and had picked pigs in blankets which no one else likes so he made those as well. Yes it was a lot of food for one night but now we have lunches for the week plus a container of chili in the freezer for another meal.

[Anonymous]

I am not super impressed by how you talk about your wife. You guys need to figure out how to work together and come up with reasonable rules that you all can live with.

Putting that aside, I think there is plenty of middle ground. I have three kids that are all picky in different ways. I try to make something every night that at least partially accommodates. FOr instance, one doesn't like meat so I make sure that the meat can be removed and there's still a basically sufficient meal. One doesn't like cooked vegetables, so same on that. We do a lot of things like tacos, sandwich bar, etc. where people can do a little mix and match. Tonight I am making nachos and will only put meat on one side, and only put tomatos on one side. If I were just cooking for me, I would make totally different meals, but I feel like being a parent involves these sort of compromises.

If the kid isn't happy with that, they can make themselves a burrito, sandwich, or quesadilla, or a frozen dinner, and get some veggies on the side. But I'm not happy with that happening more than once or twice a week, because I don't want them eating the same thing every night.

Your teen is absolutely capable of making themselves a smoothie, and should probably learn a few other things. My kid microwaves a vegan breakfast patty every morning, for instance, and makes his own toast as well, and he's not even a teen.

I also question whether the issue is pickiness, or food restriction. If she's just trying to avoid eating (like with an eating disorder), she may be using the pickiness as an excuse. If it's just pickiness, she should be willing to learn how to cook to accommodate her own desires (that's why I learned to cook as a teen). If she's got an incipient eating disorder, then I would take the time and go out of my way to be involved in the food preparation, to make sure she's getting the right nutrients and is actually consuming them.

[Anonymous]

We are pretty flexible on letting our kids (older teens) eat something different than the main meal, although I mostly try to make things I know they like. And, when/if possible, I keep meal components separate so they can make up their own dish as they like it (for example, DIY burrito or noodle bowls where everyone assembles their own).

When they were tweens/early teens, we were much stricter and tried to insist they eat whatever we had made. The result was that they wouldn't eat dinner, and would later sneak granola bars or other snacks out of the pantry. I stopped buying those snacks, and then my son started buying junk food from 7-11 to stash in his room for when he didn't want to eat what we had made. Once his friends starting driving, he would ask them to drop off Chipotle to him. Or he would walk a few miles to Checkers or the pizza place on his way home from school. I learned from a fellow mom that her kid had been ordering DoorDash via his phone, to be delivered to their house at dinnertime.

If a kid is motivated enough, he will find a way around whatever rules you implement! We finally decided that offering more flexibility re: eating helped them eat more healthily and stop feeling like they had to hide from us. Once they are out of the house they'll get to choose whatever they want to eat anyways!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not super impressed by how you talk about your wife. You guys need to figure out how to work together and come up with reasonable rules that you all can live with.

Putting that aside, I think there is plenty of middle ground. I have three kids that are all picky in different ways. I try to make something every night that at least partially accommodates. FOr instance, one doesn't like meat so I make sure that the meat can be removed and there's still a basically sufficient meal. One doesn't like cooked vegetables, so same on that. We do a lot of things like tacos, sandwich bar, etc. where people can do a little mix and match. Tonight I am making nachos and will only put meat on one side, and only put tomatos on one side. If I were just cooking for me, I would make totally different meals, but I feel like being a parent involves these sort of compromises.

If the kid isn't happy with that, they can make themselves a burrito, sandwich, or quesadilla, or a frozen dinner, and get some veggies on the side. But I'm not happy with that happening more than once or twice a week, because I don't want them eating the same thing every night.

Your teen is absolutely capable of making themselves a smoothie, and should probably learn a few other things. My kid microwaves a vegan breakfast patty every morning, for instance, and makes his own toast as well, and he's not even a teen.

I also question whether the issue is pickiness, or food restriction. If she's just trying to avoid eating (like with an eating disorder), she may be using the pickiness as an excuse. If it's just pickiness, she should be willing to learn how to cook to accommodate her own desires (that's why I learned to cook as a teen). If she's got an incipient eating disorder, then I would take the time and go out of my way to be involved in the food preparation, to make sure she's getting the right nutrients and is actually consuming them.

I don't really have a say in coming up with the rules. I'm told "This is how it's going to be or I'm going to divorce you and find a man who makes more money."

[Anonymous]

Is your teen underweight or have a history of being underweight? My teen son has always had stomach issues, very picky from babyhood, and was worryingly underweight from age 4 to 12. So while I've always had strong beliefs about expecting kids to do age appropriate things to care for themselves and the family, I have not upheld that when it comes to food. I still have a really hard time with the fact that if I don't cook something for my son he will simply shrug and not eat. He simply doesn't feel hunger strongly, and prefers the feeling of being a little hungry to the feeling of eating non-preferred foods. He has gotten better as he has gotten older, and he now makes his lunch most days - either a PB&J and an apple or frozen eggrolls. I make dinner most nights, and I even when I cook a meal that I know he won't particularly like I always cook some element that he'll eat - I made chicken stew last night and he didn't eat more than a bite, but he ate three biscuits.

It does sound like you need to be clear about what you won't do, and if that includes listening to your wife complain about cooking for your daughter, because you believe your daughter should cook for herself, then you need to have that conversation. But maybe there is some middle ground?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your teen underweight or have a history of being underweight? My teen son has always had stomach issues, very picky from babyhood, and was worryingly underweight from age 4 to 12. So while I've always had strong beliefs about expecting kids to do age appropriate things to care for themselves and the family, I have not upheld that when it comes to food. I still have a really hard time with the fact that if I don't cook something for my son he will simply shrug and not eat. He simply doesn't feel hunger strongly, and prefers the feeling of being a little hungry to the feeling of eating non-preferred foods. He has gotten better as he has gotten older, and he now makes his lunch most days - either a PB&J and an apple or frozen eggrolls. I make dinner most nights, and I even when I cook a meal that I know he won't particularly like I always cook some element that he'll eat - I made chicken stew last night and he didn't eat more than a bite, but he ate three biscuits.

It does sound like you need to be clear about what you won't do, and if that includes listening to your wife complain about cooking for your daughter, because you believe your daughter should cook for herself, then you need to have that conversation. But maybe there is some middle ground?

She's maybe 10-15 pounds overweight, but I'm not allowed to bring that up.

My wife doesn't complain about cooking a second meal for my daughter. She thinks we should do just that. I'm the one questioning whether that's a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not super impressed by how you talk about your wife. You guys need to figure out how to work together and come up with reasonable rules that you all can live with.

Putting that aside, I think there is plenty of middle ground. I have three kids that are all picky in different ways. I try to make something every night that at least partially accommodates. FOr instance, one doesn't like meat so I make sure that the meat can be removed and there's still a basically sufficient meal. One doesn't like cooked vegetables, so same on that. We do a lot of things like tacos, sandwich bar, etc. where people can do a little mix and match. Tonight I am making nachos and will only put meat on one side, and only put tomatos on one side. If I were just cooking for me, I would make totally different meals, but I feel like being a parent involves these sort of compromises.

If the kid isn't happy with that, they can make themselves a burrito, sandwich, or quesadilla, or a frozen dinner, and get some veggies on the side. But I'm not happy with that happening more than once or twice a week, because I don't want them eating the same thing every night.

Your teen is absolutely capable of making themselves a smoothie, and should probably learn a few other things. My kid microwaves a vegan breakfast patty every morning, for instance, and makes his own toast as well, and he's not even a teen.

I also question whether the issue is pickiness, or food restriction. If she's just trying to avoid eating (like with an eating disorder), she may be using the pickiness as an excuse. If it's just pickiness, she should be willing to learn how to cook to accommodate her own desires (that's why I learned to cook as a teen). If she's got an incipient eating disorder, then I would take the time and go out of my way to be involved in the food preparation, to make sure she's getting the right nutrients and is actually consuming them.

I don't really have a say in coming up with the rules. I'm told "This is how it's going to be or I'm going to divorce you and find a man who makes more money."

Who cares what everyone else is doing. You obviously have marital issues to resolve before you’ll get to a better place. Go to counseling and learn to talk to each other. The teen/food is just a symptom of your bad marriage.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 teens and there is a middle ground here. One of my kids is a vegetarian (legitimately and for years) so we make sure he has something to eat (we grill steak, we grill him a veggie burger, for example) but we all eat the side dishes.

I try to make meals the kids will eat because that is more enjoyable for all.

But I definitely don't cook totally something they prefer if I'm the one cooking. Agree that my kids can make their own food after we eat if they are still hungry at any time.

If your kid is truly overweight, then it's really a disservice to make her own meal as that is probably not as healthy and you are teaching really bad habits.

[Anonymous]

He eats it anyway. He gets 3 hot, home-made meals every day, and gets his own snacks.
We eat at the dining room table together and make conversation. We're not American, and this is our normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your teen underweight or have a history of being underweight? My teen son has always had stomach issues, very picky from babyhood, and was worryingly underweight from age 4 to 12. So while I've always had strong beliefs about expecting kids to do age appropriate things to care for themselves and the family, I have not upheld that when it comes to food. I still have a really hard time with the fact that if I don't cook something for my son he will simply shrug and not eat. He simply doesn't feel hunger strongly, and prefers the feeling of being a little hungry to the feeling of eating non-preferred foods. He has gotten better as he has gotten older, and he now makes his lunch most days - either a PB&J and an apple or frozen eggrolls. I make dinner most nights, and I even when I cook a meal that I know he won't particularly like I always cook some element that he'll eat - I made chicken stew last night and he didn't eat more than a bite, but he ate three biscuits.

It does sound like you need to be clear about what you won't do, and if that includes listening to your wife complain about cooking for your daughter, because you believe your daughter should cook for herself, then you need to have that conversation. But maybe there is some middle ground?

She's maybe 10-15 pounds overweight, but I'm not allowed to bring that up.

My wife doesn't complain about cooking a second meal for my daughter. She thinks we should do just that. I'm the one questioning whether that's a good idea.

Trying to control what your wife does is unlikely to end well. You might be right that your daughter should cook for herself, or not demand a second meal, but since the burden of catering to your daughter doesn't fall to you, you don't have much leverage. How about taking a cooking class with your daughter? Or working on getting her to be more responsible in some area that you do control? If you think she doesn't do enough to care for herself and the house, how about having your daughter do one of your chores with you, and then take it over? Cooking isn't magical, and she can and will learn to cook. Your goal is to build her sense of autonomy and responsibility, yes? Cooking for oneself is just one way to do that. Another alternative is to talk to daughter once, clearly, and then let it drop: "Daughter, I watch you ask Mom for another dinner most nights, and it really bothers me. I believe we should eat what is served, and that you are too old to be making other people work for you. You are taking advantage of your mom. I know Mom says she doesn't mind, but it is always wrong to take advantage of another person. Is there anything you could do differently?" Then listen. She might say she really wants Mom to continue to cook for her, but maybe she could (do the laundry, do the shopping, give back some of her allowance, etc).

[Anonymous]

I’m not a big cook. I do excel in heating food up. So I know my teenage doesn’t like the lasagne I’m heating up so I pop in some fish sticks or chicken nuggets at the end of the heating time. I know he hates stir fry so I’ll get out some tilapia from the freezer and heat it up in another pan. Not a big deal to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your teen underweight or have a history of being underweight? My teen son has always had stomach issues, very picky from babyhood, and was worryingly underweight from age 4 to 12. So while I've always had strong beliefs about expecting kids to do age appropriate things to care for themselves and the family, I have not upheld that when it comes to food. I still have a really hard time with the fact that if I don't cook something for my son he will simply shrug and not eat. He simply doesn't feel hunger strongly, and prefers the feeling of being a little hungry to the feeling of eating non-preferred foods. He has gotten better as he has gotten older, and he now makes his lunch most days - either a PB&J and an apple or frozen eggrolls. I make dinner most nights, and I even when I cook a meal that I know he won't particularly like I always cook some element that he'll eat - I made chicken stew last night and he didn't eat more than a bite, but he ate three biscuits.

It does sound like you need to be clear about what you won't do, and if that includes listening to your wife complain about cooking for your daughter, because you believe your daughter should cook for herself, then you need to have that conversation. But maybe there is some middle ground?

She's maybe 10-15 pounds overweight, but I'm not allowed to bring that up.

My wife doesn't complain about cooking a second meal for my daughter. She thinks we should do just that. I'm the one questioning whether that's a good idea.

You've got other problems. Forget about the teen.

[Anonymous]

For a teenager this is too much.

You need to have a heart to heart with your wife. Say you do not agree with making separate meals for the teen. If wife wants to baby the teen that’s on her. You think it’s bad parenting and you’re not going to enable or participate in this. Say you acknowledge that you can’t stop wife from doing it.

[Anonymous]

OP you have a lot of problems there. Wife and DD siding against you. Multiple different meals is crazy. And crazy making.