Headed for divorce, need practical advice

[Anonymous]

How many years of marriage and is alimony a consideration or no? The entire purpose of alimony is to allow that BOTH spouses are leaving the marriage fairly without unequal financial setback, and the standard of living during the marriage is the baseline for that. Your standard of living is argued/proven with the marriage’s history of demonstrated financial standards. This means either you or your spouse could be ordered to pay an amount that levels the playing field.

Increase your income however you can, reduce your expenses as much as you can. Make sure your girls have dad contributing for college and medical too.

Any lawyer you consult with cannot represent the other party. Consultations are sometimes free, or up to $300 in this area for about an hour of guidance. Attend divorce workshops. Contact the women’s center. Also, consider pro se representation but find an attorney willing to work with you as an hourly consultant for big litigation activities, giving an eye over the grunt work you do. If you cannot handle that emotionally or practically with everything else going on, set aside money to invest in an attorney. File for divorce so that you are the Plaintiff and so that the clock gets ticking towards the execution of a final decree.

How easy or difficult this is depends not only on practical steps but largely the personality and conflict dynamic that will exist through this process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let him keep the house. He borrowed from a family member. I took a little less then 50% to guarantee kids could stay in the house 1/2 the time. I bought a townhouse half the size of the house.

OP here - I am pretty sure I know the answer to this, but your situation was that he bought you out and that was it? I hate to ask my parents for help, but I might.

And for those that ask, the reason why I want to keep the schools for the kids is that's kind of part of the split. Spouse is making some one sided decisions about moving and we don't want to.

Can you elaborate more on this? He wants to sell and leave and you don’t? If you don’t want to leave the house, don’t. There is a legal route where a temporary order can be established requiring one party to be granted primary occupancy in the home depending on the state you live in and given the circumstances for supporting stability in best interest of children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved. The kids moved with me. They changed schools.

This is exactly what OP does NOT want to do.

OP asked what others would do in her situation. The first pp is not me, but unless there is something extraordinarily unique about my kids or the school such that I cannot imagine them moving schools, I would be open to switching schools instead of killing myself in staying at the same schools. I would really think about what sacrifice would be required to stay at the same school - in a real, practical sense, carefully examine the opportunity costs and what we will be giving up just to stay at the same school and try to assess if it's worth it.

I agree with you and did the same in my divorce, so of course that is my recommendation in general with starting off this process. Don’t walk into it with uneccessary hard lines that may not be as valuable in the long term. But for whatever reason her emphasized priority was to keep the kids where they are. I feel like OP is looking for examples of the sacrifices she can make or be willing to consider. If she gets a good picture of that, it allows a better comparison to what you or I may do as alternative. I understand wanting to game plan what may seem to be the best option.

In my case, we moved and changed schools, but my dynamics are different than OP’s, and kids we’re younger.

[Anonymous]

First, op, I’d have as much fun with my husband and kids as possible. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant but it does have to be something you and husband want to do and something you and he can look forward to and something you guys can talk about.

If you can’t or won’t, or he can’t or won’t, I’d just leave now. No reason to live in the state you are in, though you should of course do everything possible to get the marriage back on course and then to maintain the course.

Date each other and treat each other well. Be affectionate and kind.
Put each other first, ahead of the kids, friends, everything.
Have sex or at a minimum be physically close in bed. Be physically close when you are home together.

If you are at all religious go to church and sit close together. I love doing that with my husband, though I’m not really into what I call church rules.

As for your husband, why does he want to move? You may be right that he’s selfish, though, given the ages of the kids and your desire to stay in the neighborhood, I think he may be.

Talk to him about why he wants to move. What is he hoping to gain or experience?

Know that if you divorce, you may not want the house. Do you really want to be in the home where you guys had tender moments either as a couple or a family or both? Do you want to notice something in the house, think “I’ll ask Jack to fix it” then realize that your husband has no obligation to fix anything in a home that he doesn’t own… even if his children do live there?

Can you aford the house, not just to buy him out, but the taxes and upkeep? Even if you can, do you want to?

No matter what happens with the marriage, you and the kids need wholesome activities to do. The person who mentioned that fun is the glue that holds you together is spot on.

As for the school district, why do you want to stay?

Does one or both of your kids have a disability? Do you?

Not all school districts are created equal, if they were nobody would ever fight about it, you’d simply send the kids to school Ma Ingalls style.

Are you sure your desire to stay in the school districtt is really about the kids? i.e. do you have your eye on a hot teacher, or are you convinced your kid will be the drum major if you just hang on long enough?

Know that not all neighborhoods in a school district are created equal. There is a neighborhood close to us that every single person I have talked to says “That’s where the bad kids live”. These are people who don’t know each other, yet they all say “If there’s a fight (the one neighborhood near us) started it”.

No way would I live in that neighborhood, I’ve been there.

If you move to stay in district make sure you live in a place that is right for your kids.

Finally, know that if you divorce, it’s unlikely your kids will hang onto all of their friends. Some won’t want their kids around yours until “things settle down” and then your kid and theirs just drift apart.

Some won’t want their kids to hang out with yours because “we don’t associate with divorced families”.

You may get weird. We know a mom who got divorced and told me that she was dating but didn’t want her daughter to know. That’s real akward when that kid is over at my house and anything lovey-dovey comes up, things like “Yay, my sims got married” “We’re going to a wedding next week” “Did you listen to that podcast, the one where the couple broke up…”

I also had ethical issues with keeping a secret about a legal activity, healthy adults date and divorced people are free to date anybody they’d like. I found that I resented being put in a position to lie or “cover” for an adult who was as far as I know behaving within the bounds of normal society. I felt that my values weren’t being respected to the point that I no longer want that friend in my home… I especially didn’t want to be used as a free sitter so her mother can date, something I was to keep to myself.

The families you will be associating will have their boundaries and comfort levels just as you do.

Since you asked, I’d throw everything at rescuing the marriage. Our society doesn’t talk about maintaining marriages, something that I think is wrong. There are industries to support dating, there are wedding industries, and there are divorce industries, but there is very little for couples who want to stay or get back to a happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

What's your larger financial picture--what is the mortgage and what is your salary, what cushion in savings, what kind of medical or other costs might you have besides the usual life costs, what are your salaries, and does your spouse want to move out of state for a new job? how much equity in the home already? could you trade other shared assets for equity in the home, refi etc/

a friend in similar situation gave up all other interests (retirement accounts, investment) to buy out her spouse, and stayed in the home. after kids grew up and left, she sold at a very tidy profit. I think she borrowed money from parents to buy out her spouse and child support was moderately helpful. it was helpful because he recognized that one of them needed to live in a good school district and he was able to buy something for a lot less in a transitional area with not such great schools but that was poised to go up in value (as it did).

[Anonymous]

I did not make my kids move. I gave up other assets (vacation home, boat, fancy car, etc.) in our divorce to keep our primary residence. I did not want to make my kids move and deal with their parents divorcing at the same time. I realize not everyone can or wants to make this choice. Just giving my perspective. If the house is ever too big a burden for me, I can sell it then.

[Anonymous]

Does he want to relocate for his career? Who is primary breadwinner? I work but my DH makes way more than me, so if he needed to move for his career I would support it.

If you are equal, you get equal say.

I would move the kids’ school at 10 and 14.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, op, I’d have as much fun with my husband and kids as possible. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant but it does have to be something you and husband want to do and something you and he can look forward to and something you guys can talk about.

If you can’t or won’t, or he can’t or won’t, I’d just leave now. No reason to live in the state you are in, though you should of course do everything possible to get the marriage back on course and then to maintain the course.

Date each other and treat each other well. Be affectionate and kind.
Put each other first, ahead of the kids, friends, everything.
Have sex or at a minimum be physically close in bed. Be physically close when you are home together.

If you are at all religious go to church and sit close together. I love doing that with my husband, though I’m not really into what I call church rules.

As for your husband, why does he want to move? You may be right that he’s selfish, though, given the ages of the kids and your desire to stay in the neighborhood, I think he may be.

Talk to him about why he wants to move. What is he hoping to gain or experience?

Know that if you divorce, you may not want the house. Do you really want to be in the home where you guys had tender moments either as a couple or a family or both? Do you want to notice something in the house, think “I’ll ask Jack to fix it” then realize that your husband has no obligation to fix anything in a home that he doesn’t own… even if his children do live there?

Can you aford the house, not just to buy him out, but the taxes and upkeep? Even if you can, do you want to?

No matter what happens with the marriage, you and the kids need wholesome activities to do. The person who mentioned that fun is the glue that holds you together is spot on.

As for the school district, why do you want to stay?

Does one or both of your kids have a disability? Do you?

Not all school districts are created equal, if they were nobody would ever fight about it, you’d simply send the kids to school Ma Ingalls style.

Are you sure your desire to stay in the school districtt is really about the kids? i.e. do you have your eye on a hot teacher, or are you convinced your kid will be the drum major if you just hang on long enough?

Know that not all neighborhoods in a school district are created equal. There is a neighborhood close to us that every single person I have talked to says “That’s where the bad kids live”. These are people who don’t know each other, yet they all say “If there’s a fight (the one neighborhood near us) started it”.

No way would I live in that neighborhood, I’ve been there.

If you move to stay in district make sure you live in a place that is right for your kids.

Finally, know that if you divorce, it’s unlikely your kids will hang onto all of their friends. Some won’t want their kids around yours until “things settle down” and then your kid and theirs just drift apart.

Some won’t want their kids to hang out with yours because “we don’t associate with divorced families”.

You may get weird. We know a mom who got divorced and told me that she was dating but didn’t want her daughter to know. That’s real akward when that kid is over at my house and anything lovey-dovey comes up, things like “Yay, my sims got married” “We’re going to a wedding next week” “Did you listen to that podcast, the one where the couple broke up…”

I also had ethical issues with keeping a secret about a legal activity, healthy adults date and divorced people are free to date anybody they’d like. I found that I resented being put in a position to lie or “cover” for an adult who was as far as I know behaving within the bounds of normal society. I felt that my values weren’t being respected to the point that I no longer want that friend in my home… I especially didn’t want to be used as a free sitter so her mother can date, something I was to keep to myself.

The families you will be associating will have their boundaries and comfort levels just as you do.

Since you asked, I’d throw everything at rescuing the marriage. Our society doesn’t talk about maintaining marriages, something that I think is wrong. There are industries to support dating, there are wedding industries, and there are divorce industries, but there is very little for couples who want to stay or get back to a happy marriage.

Wtf?

Totally all over the place...

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you for all the replies. I am not going to go into too much more detail, but basically there have already been a lot of moves, all driven by spouse's career. The last year + was especially chaotic and stressful with a move that did not work out. We still don't even have all of our stuff back and now the kids and I are being asked to pick up and move yet again. And we're all just sick of it.

Anyway, lots to consider based on what everyone wrote, especially the poster that mentioned scraping by to stay in this area. That's a concern of mine. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for all the replies. I am not going to go into too much more detail, but basically there have already been a lot of moves, all driven by spouse's career. The last year + was especially chaotic and stressful with a move that did not work out. We still don't even have all of our stuff back and now the kids and I are being asked to pick up and move yet again. And we're all just sick of it.

Anyway, lots to consider based on what everyone wrote, especially the poster that mentioned scraping by to stay in this area. That's a concern of mine. Thanks again.

I’m the scraping by poster who stayed in a wealthy neighborhood. 10 years later the post-HS, the kids decry how shallow the neighborhood is and say we should have stayed in DC in a lower income area for a healthier, less competitive environment. Of course, they’re kids, so they don’t see all the experiences they did get.

My point is you’re sort of damned if you do and damned if you don’t. There is no “right” answer.

[Anonymous]

My friend used the proceeds from the sale of the house to buy a modest townhouse in the same HS pyramid, but different ES. But it has a basement that she rents out. It covers 40% of her mortgage.

Start buying some gift cards (that don’t expire) to places you normally shop at. There may be a few months when in transition that money is tight. Nice to have $500 of gifts cards at Target to cover the shortfall.