Headed for divorce, need practical advice

[Anonymous]

I don't really need to go into reasons. I suppose there's something possibly salvageable, but not likely. We have two kids, 14 and 10.

My biggest hope/goal is to keep the kids in their schools, which I think will take sacrifice. I can't pay the mortgage on my own and I don't think child support will make up the difference. We both work FT, so it's not me just getting a job. I would probably realize about $100k after the sale of the house.

If you were in this situation, how did you handle it?

[Anonymous]

Get a cheap apartment in the school district.

[Anonymous]

I let him keep the house. He borrowed from a family member. I took a little less then 50% to guarantee kids could stay in the house 1/2 the time. I bought a townhouse half the size of the house.

[Anonymous]

I moved. The kids moved with me. They changed schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a cheap apartment in the school district.

There aren't even that many of those.

And I guess is here what it comes down to - we can probably move into an apartment or condo where the kids might have to share a room (they are same gender). How much do you involve them in discussions.

And to be clear, this isn't some situation where it's going to shock the kids. They may actually be relieved even if they are sad. This is a long time coming.

[Anonymous]

We sold the house and split the cash. I rented a small townhouse in school district, dad rented apartment outside district, but close. We make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I let him keep the house. He borrowed from a family member. I took a little less then 50% to guarantee kids could stay in the house 1/2 the time. I bought a townhouse half the size of the house.

OP here - I am pretty sure I know the answer to this, but your situation was that he bought you out and that was it? I hate to ask my parents for help, but I might.

And for those that ask, the reason why I want to keep the schools for the kids is that's kind of part of the split. Spouse is making some one sided decisions about moving and we don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a cheap apartment in the school district.

There aren't even that many of those.

And I guess is here what it comes down to - we can probably move into an apartment or condo where the kids might have to share a room (they are same gender). How much do you involve them in discussions.

And to be clear, this isn't some situation where it's going to shock the kids. They may actually be relieved even if they are sad. This is a long time coming.

How old are the kids? Are any close to college where it wouldn’t be a long time for sharing or are they young?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let him keep the house. He borrowed from a family member. I took a little less then 50% to guarantee kids could stay in the house 1/2 the time. I bought a townhouse half the size of the house.

OP here - I am pretty sure I know the answer to this, but your situation was that he bought you out and that was it? I hate to ask my parents for help, but I might.

And for those that ask, the reason why I want to keep the schools for the kids is that's kind of part of the split. Spouse is making some one sided decisions about moving and we don't want to.

I took less than the full buyout (like 40% of assets vs. 50%), but yes, he borrowed money from family to give me that. He did not want to borrow what would have been the full 50%. So, I lost some personally, but the kids do not have to move. I personally would have been fine with selling and splitting when the d word was first mentioned seriously but he delayed and delayed being agreeable and the kids got more attached to the house and neighborhood the longer the delay. So, eventually, I was just like fine, let's just get it done, you stay, I will take less so you don't have to borrow the full amount. I would have probably preferred we did it immediately (sold upon separation) rather than it taking 2.5 years to get the divorce finalized. To keep the house, someone has to borrow money to pay out half the equity (but you can agree to anything you want and I took less because I did not want it to be ugly and wanted the best for the kids as time was making them more attached) and one person has to qualify for the mortgage alone. I could not pay the mortgage payments...it would have been too tight (unless I had full custody...then I could have afforded it...but he wanted 50/50 in which case I get almost nothing at all...I also work).

[Anonymous]

I'd really rethink the kids needing to stay in the same school. If one is a junior/senior in high school, then it is worth the sacrifice, but younger kids change schools and adapt all the time. I think being house-poor and all that entails is worse for the family as a whole and would rather switch schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd really rethink the kids needing to stay in the same school. If one is a junior/senior in high school, then it is worth the sacrifice, but younger kids change schools and adapt all the time. I think being house-poor and all that entails is worse for the family as a whole and would rather switch schools.

Kids are 14 and 10 - older one starts high school next year, so this would be the time to switch if it's going to have to happen.

[Anonymous]

Can you take a second job on days you don’t have custody? Is there some other equity you can trade for equity in the house? Equity in retirement? Will refinancing in your own name get you a lower rate?

What is going to happen with his move? Is he moving out of town?

Why don’t you believe you will get much child support?

Are you already in the lowest tier home in your school’s zone? Can you trade down to another house in zone that is less expensive and needs work or kids has fewer beds/baths?

10 years out from my divorce, I will say that always being at the edge of not being able to cover bills in an area that is wealthy is a huge stressor. I put a lot of money into a house but that left very little money for fun and vacations which is sort of the glue that holds you together as a new family unit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I moved. The kids moved with me. They changed schools.

This is exactly what OP does NOT want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a cheap apartment in the school district.

There aren't even that many of those.

And I guess is here what it comes down to - we can probably move into an apartment or condo where the kids might have to share a room (they are same gender). How much do you involve them in discussions.

And to be clear, this isn't some situation where it's going to shock the kids. They may actually be relieved even if they are sad. This is a long time coming.

Get a family therapist and involve them in the process and discussions about the transition. Sharing a room is completely doable. If you can get a condo or rent to own in this area with a willing seller, that can help. I agree it is practical to prepare for the worst while hoping/expecting for the best. Save as much as you can. Open single lines of credit for yourself right now if you can for emergency backup. Save space and square footage costs by reducing the items you own (selling? offering to ex and capturing a payout for that?). Storage units hold a lot of items for $200 or less. You don’t have to fit everything into the same space and this does not have to be a forever home you go to when you call leave.

Take pictures of everything in your home for inventory, pictures of your shared resources, financial records, cost of living, past salary, taxes, health related info.

Do you think you can settle out of court without an attorney? Or does the dynamic between you not lend itself towards that possibility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved. The kids moved with me. They changed schools.

This is exactly what OP does NOT want to do.

OP asked what others would do in her situation. The first pp is not me, but unless there is something extraordinarily unique about my kids or the school such that I cannot imagine them moving schools, I would be open to switching schools instead of killing myself in staying at the same schools. I would really think about what sacrifice would be required to stay at the same school - in a real, practical sense, carefully examine the opportunity costs and what we will be giving up just to stay at the same school and try to assess if it's worth it.