Feels like my parents want to use DD as a prop for their social lives

[Anonymous]

At 2 months your baby can't really do much to interact with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought the whole point of being a grandparent was that it was fun. I have no interest in doing any more of the non fun stuff. I have done that already. I want the parental equivalent of muffin tops only.

Then I hope you stay in a hotel and bring your own meals when visiting your infant grandchildren.

I really don't get this attitude. When I visit my parents, they are hospitable -- they have beds with clean sheets ready, they prepare meals, etc. When they visit me, I try to be equally hospitable. They don't have to do chores in exchange for "getting" to see their grandkids. I expect them to be good guests -- i.e., not make big messes for me to clean up, being generally considerate, pitching in with things like clearing the table or the like -- but I would never say that they could only stay in my home if they offered free babysitting or did the kids' laundry or whatever. I want them to feel connected to their grandkids. I feel sorry for people who have these crappy, transactional family relationships. OP doesn't say that her parents show up and make a ton of extra work and act like inconsiderate, entitled jerks. She's mad they aren't playing peek-a-boo with a two-month-old baby all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought the whole point of being a grandparent was that it was fun. I have no interest in doing any more of the non fun stuff. I have done that already. I want the parental equivalent of muffin tops only.

Then I hope you stay in a hotel and bring your own meals when visiting your infant grandchildren.

+2.

My mother would visit and, while i was up cooking or doing something else, come hand me the baby saying "she needs a change." She was a former Pediatric nurse, btw. And more than capable of helping change a diaper.

She doesn't get invited back much. I don't need to cook/clean for her AND the rest of my family while she just sits on her ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought the whole point of being a grandparent was that it was fun. I have no interest in doing any more of the non fun stuff. I have done that already. I want the parental equivalent of muffin tops only.

Then I hope you stay in a hotel and bring your own meals when visiting your infant grandchildren.

I really don't get this attitude. When I visit my parents, they are hospitable -- they have beds with clean sheets ready, they prepare meals, etc. When they visit me, I try to be equally hospitable. They don't have to do chores in exchange for "getting" to see their grandkids. I expect them to be good guests -- i.e., not make big messes for me to clean up, being generally considerate, pitching in with things like clearing the table or the like -- but I would never say that they could only stay in my home if they offered free babysitting or did the kids' laundry or whatever. I want them to feel connected to their grandkids. I feel sorry for people who have these crappy, transactional family relationships. OP doesn't say that her parents show up and make a ton of extra work and act like inconsiderate, entitled jerks. She's mad they aren't playing peek-a-boo with a two-month-old baby all day.

Because they're not guests. They're family. Family who, at least in my case, got the very big benefit of their own parents being very involved in the care of their kids (including me): pick ups from school, sleepovers, babysitting, weeks in the summer, weeks when they went on vacation. They always complain about they "raised their kids" and I have to stop to remind them it was with a LOT of help. More than they've ever paid forward.

And that's fine. They are not REQUIRED to do so. I'm just not about to let them treat me like a B&B. I have enough to do, with all the things that they don't help with, and then some. If they did other things to compensate or . . . . differently (there is other baggage there), I may not be so "transational" as you put it. To each his own.

[Anonymous]

Op, I think you have to make peace with what your parents are willing to provide vs your expectations. If they are open to it, you could gently request help in the way you need. But a) you can’t expect them to read your mind b) you can’t expect them to be a certain kind of grandparent that they are not. Find a way to have them fit into your lives that works for you. If that means that in the beginning, you limit their visits because frankly you are tired and exhausted and they are unwilling to help, then so be it.

My mom was super anxious and constantly criticized the way I did things, and always clucked when I picked up and held my baby. But she was amazing with cleaning the house and scrubbing every dark recess of our house. That’s what she could do well. My MIL was possessive and overbearing and frankly always made the baby cry because she couldn’t read the baby’s cues nor did she listen to me when I told her the baby needed to nap. So she saw very little of my babies when they were little, but she was great with them once they were older and verbal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your baby is 2 months old! She can't Facetime. She doesn't play. Her grandparents sound great.

x1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought the whole point of being a grandparent was that it was fun. I have no interest in doing any more of the non fun stuff. I have done that already. I want the parental equivalent of muffin tops only.

Then I hope you stay in a hotel and bring your own meals when visiting your infant grandchildren.

+1000
With my first DD, my ILs showed up at 2w and made a complete mess of our small condo. DH has already gone back to work, so I was stuck in the house with them every day. What little ability I had to nap while the baby slept was interrupted nearly every time by tv noise or knocks on my bedroom door with random questions that could have waited. That was about the time I started having issues with PPD, too, and it was miserable for me. DH had a talk with them before they returned a few months later, thank goodness.

[Anonymous]

She's 2 months old --- how do you expect them to "interact" with her?

Op, I think you're being obnoxious. I'll give you a pass since you're post-partum

[Anonymous]

When my mom came when I was post party’s, she said I am here to take care of you so you can take care of the baby. She did the laundry and cooked and watched the baby when I showered.,

[Anonymous]

My MIL was like this when both of our kids were born. They are teens now. She never even wants to speak to them or address them directly. She hasn’t seen them in 5 years. I have encouraged interactions before that but she was not interested unless I bought her something and then she just took photos and left.

If you are getting the sense that it is headed this way, address it while the baby is young. It will help you reframe expectations for you and your child even if it is not the outcome you would want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought the whole point of being a grandparent was that it was fun. I have no interest in doing any more of the non fun stuff. I have done that already. I want the parental equivalent of muffin tops only.

Then I hope you stay in a hotel and bring your own meals when visiting your infant grandchildren.

+1000
With my first DD, my ILs showed up at 2w and made a complete mess of our small condo. DH has already gone back to work, so I was stuck in the house with them every day. What little ability I had to nap while the baby slept was interrupted nearly every time by tv noise or knocks on my bedroom door with random questions that could have waited. That was about the time I started having issues with PPD, too, and it was miserable for me. DH had a talk with them before they returned a few months later, thank goodness.

Exactly. Grandparents can decide what kind of relationship they want to have with their grandkids, but I don't have to host you in my house, feed you and entertain you, while I recover from childbirth, so that you can take your 40 minutes a day of baby cuddles and fun. If that's what you want, enjoy, but no one gets to stay in my house during my maternity leave unless they are ready to change diapers, take out the trash, make sandwiches, prepare bottles, and yes, hold a crying baby while I go to the bathroom or shower. If that doesn't sound fun to you, see you in a few months!