Feels like my parents want to use DD as a prop for their social lives

[Anonymous]

Two months ago, I gave birth to DD (our first child, and the first grandchild for my parents). My parents live five hours away, and they've come down to see us three times since the birth. Everytime they come to visit, I can't help but feel like they are just using her as a prop. They take a ton of pictures, which is obviously all well and good, but they don't really make an effort to play or interact with her. They may play with her for a few minutes here and there, but then they'll go back to being on their phones, or going on their laptops to do work. They've never really offered to do anything to help out with her when they are here. Similarly, they don't ever ask to Facetime with us to see DD, but they always make note to say that they showed all the pictures they took of her with their neighbors, friends, etc.

Am I totally off base in that it just seems like they want to take a bunch of pictures and be able to do the "fun" stuff that comes with being a grandparent?

[Anonymous]

Your baby is 2 months old! She can't Facetime. She doesn't play. Her grandparents sound great.

[Anonymous]

ehh she's too young to do anything. But they should be helping you! Tell them they aren't welcome as often if they don't help (if that bothers you!)

People take a ton of pictures of newborns because they change so fast

[Anonymous]

Do they help around the house when they are there? How long are their visits?

[Anonymous]

Yes, totally off base. What they are doing is perfectly normal and fine. FaceTime at two months....lol.
If you want help you should ask for it; they’ve probably forgotten how tiring it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your baby is 2 months old! She can't Facetime. She doesn't play. Her grandparents sound great.

Plus 1000.

You would be upset if they were all over your baby. This sounds like a great balance they have. Also they sound like proud Grandparents. So sweet. Most Grandparents share pictures on Facebook and now they can too! Super sweet.

When you are 60 we will check back on you and your work schedule and babysitting schedule too. Cut them a break.

Also just speak up! Ask them to watch the baby while you go take a bath or walk or have date night. They probably don’t want to be overbearing so waiting on your ques.

I think you are just tired and emotional. Cut them a break and go take a break yourself.

Good luck and congrats on baby!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your baby is 2 months old! She can't Facetime. She doesn't play. Her grandparents sound great.

+1

[Anonymous]

Really op. Read some of the other threads. Prop for their social life?!? They seem like proud grandparents, showing off their new granddaughter. My dad (mom had already passed away) used to just come over and sit with me and my babies (I had twins). He wasn’t a good helper but it was nice that he was showing an interest. Now that my kids are grown (and he has died), they like hearing that he did that. Also, read some of the other threads. Would you rather your parents tell you that you are doing everything wrong and correcting how you are holding, feeding, swaddling the baby etc. That’s what my MIL did even though my kids had been in the NICU and we were following the instructions of the doctors and nurses there and our pediatrician. It was an ongoing battle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two months ago, I gave birth to DD (our first child, and the first grandchild for my parents). My parents live five hours away, and they've come down to see us three times since the birth. Everytime they come to visit, I can't help but feel like they are just using her as a prop. They take a ton of pictures, which is obviously all well and good, but they don't really make an effort to play or interact with her. They may play with her for a few minutes here and there, but then they'll go back to being on their phones, or going on their laptops to do work. They've never really offered to do anything to help out with her when they are here. Similarly, they don't ever ask to Facetime with us to see DD, but they always make note to say that they showed all the pictures they took of her with their neighbors, friends, etc.

Am I totally off base in that it just seems like they want to take a bunch of pictures and be able to do the "fun" stuff that comes with being a grandparent?

Playing with her a few minutes here and there is totally appropriate for a two-month-old baby. They can't play. They can't Facetime. It's not necessary for them to be in the baby's face for hours at a time; frankly, babies aren't that exciting. Also, some people are really into babies, and some people aren't.

Have you asked them to do anything? "Hey, can you keep an eye on the baby while I take a shower/go for a run?"

Also, a reminder that being a grandparent is primarily about the "fun" stuff. They raised their kids already.

[Anonymous]

OP- you are still dealing with postpartum emotions and are very (very) much overreacting. Please don’t freak out over this and let it impact your relationship with your ILs. There is a W-I-D-E range of appropriate grandparents reactions and your sound great.

And remember your in-laws have raised their kids and their view of what a grandparent should (and could) do might be very different than yours. It’s their relationship with the grandkids and they get to set the tone. You can, of course, ask for help, but if you are envisioning a certain relationship, it may or may not look like that. You and your DH should love and raise your kids and do what you can to foster a good relationship between your kids and their grandparents and not expect them to be co-parents with you.

[Anonymous]

That’s a lot of visits from people who aren’t helpful in a short period of time. If they don’t help *you* so you can focus on the baby, they don’t need to visit again for a while. Plus. You know, covid.

[Anonymous]

Yeah why are your parents coming every 3ish weeks when there’s a pandemic going on?

[Anonymous]

I thought the whole point of being a grandparent was that it was fun. I have no interest in doing any more of the non fun stuff. I have done that already. I want the parental equivalent of muffin tops only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought the whole point of being a grandparent was that it was fun. I have no interest in doing any more of the non fun stuff. I have done that already. I want the parental equivalent of muffin tops only.

Then I hope you stay in a hotel and bring your own meals when visiting your infant grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

My father came at about that time and cooked, cleaned and washed. Is that what you mean by the feeling that your parents are "using" the baby but not helping out?

Anyway. There is a wide variety of grandparent behavior, just as there is a wide variety of parent behavior. You'll have to accept whatever they are prepared to give, OP.