4 kids - to be or not to be?

[Anonymous]

How about an exchanged student?

[Anonymous]

I loved having our fourth baby so much, I went on and had a fifth. We have five kids ranging in age from 3 to 17. I was 42 when our fifth was born.

[Anonymous]

We have the same dynamic but opposite - 2 boys and a girl. If I could have guaranteed myself a healthy girl, I would have done it but since I couldn't...didn't seem worth the risk since we love and adore our 3 dearly and our lives are so great right now.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it at 41.

[Anonymous]

I personally would not. I don't mean this insenstively at all but I know several people that were unsure about number 4 after 40, went for it, and it totally rocked the boat on their families and marriages.


-1 had a profoundly SN child that will need care for the rest of their lives and parents were 43 and 45 at birth.
-Another found at the 20 week anatomy scan baby only had half a brain and a deformed heart with no chance of survival. They induced at 22 weeks, baby lived for 30 mins, and it has completely broken them.
-I was an only child and my own mom changed her mind and went for one more and I have twin brothers and my dad was always resentful. He loves my brothers but was always very open about feeling one and done. My brothers both had minor special needs- learning disabilities (that our school district couldn't accommodate so we also had to leave our supposed to be forever home), and ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally would not. I don't mean this insenstively at all but I know several people that were unsure about number 4 after 40, went for it, and it totally rocked the boat on their families and marriages.


-1 had a profoundly SN child that will need care for the rest of their lives and parents were 43 and 45 at birth.
-Another found at the 20 week anatomy scan baby only had half a brain and a deformed heart with no chance of survival. They induced at 22 weeks, baby lived for 30 mins, and it has completely broken them.
-I was an only child and my own mom changed her mind and went for one more and I have twin brothers and my dad was always resentful. He loves my brothers but was always very open about feeling one and done. My brothers both had minor special needs- learning disabilities (that our school district couldn't accommodate so we also had to leave our supposed to be forever home), and ADHD.

I know people who have gone through all of the above in their late 20s and early 30s with a first or second child. It's always a possibility, regardless of age.

[Anonymous]

I have 4. I would not give up one of them for ANYTHING.

However, I really would not recommend it at 41. It sounds to me like your family is complete. Do you guys have a dog? Maybe get a puppy.

[Anonymous]

Picture yourself on your death bed. Or at a family holiday in 25 years. What does your future self regret more - not having a 4th child, or trying for a 4th child and ending up with potential special needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally would not. I don't mean this insenstively at all but I know several people that were unsure about number 4 after 40, went for it, and it totally rocked the boat on their families and marriages.


-1 had a profoundly SN child that will need care for the rest of their lives and parents were 43 and 45 at birth.
-Another found at the 20 week anatomy scan baby only had half a brain and a deformed heart with no chance of survival. They induced at 22 weeks, baby lived for 30 mins, and it has completely broken them.
-I was an only child and my own mom changed her mind and went for one more and I have twin brothers and my dad was always resentful. He loves my brothers but was always very open about feeling one and done. My brothers both had minor special needs- learning disabilities (that our school district couldn't accommodate so we also had to leave our supposed to be forever home), and ADHD.

I know people who have gone through all of the above in their late 20s and early 30s with a first or second child. It's always a possibility, regardless of age.

I think the calculus for risk taking changes with age and when you already have three healthy children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Picture yourself on your death bed. Or at a family holiday in 25 years. What does your future self regret more - not having a 4th child, or trying for a 4th child and ending up with potential special needs?

Or multiples (associated with increasing maternal age)

[Anonymous]

in my experience, you know when you're done. when you really truly don't want another. if you don't go for it, i think you'd always regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:in my experience, you know when you're done. when you really truly don't want another. if you don't go for it, i think you'd always regret it.

Op here with 3 big kids and the “little brother” baby girl...I sadly don’t know if this is true for me! I already want another. I don’t care if it’s a boy or girl. At the same time, it might break me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are 41. Throw away the birth control and see what happens. Nature decides?

41 was when my aunt had a child with Down syndrome. Be prepared. It can be challenging to a family to have a SN child/sibling.

We were lucky enough to have a child with Down Syndrome when I was 37. She was my 3rd of our 4 girls. Truly life changing. She is the favorite amongst all the kids/cousins. We would not change thing. Sarah lights up everyone's world.

[Anonymous]

I'm the oldest of 5 born when my mom was 38, 40, 42,44, 46 (she thought she didn't need birth control and anyway wanted more kids)

All of us are perfectly healthy and normal functional adults. All but one of us is married with kids and the one who isn't is a biglaw partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to be...

+1

Love doesn’t give you extra hours.

+1

Or extra money. Let's be blunt here. If you want your kids to go to college (any college, not just "expensive" ones) you are looking at needing a lot of cash--even if they all get financial aid wherever they go.

OP, parents in the throes of loving the baby/toddler/young child stages don't often seem to think far enough ahead to the realities of college (or other educational/vocational training) costs, and don't think about things like their own retirements. Children's years at home pass by very quickly and then you're looking at whether you and DH can afford to retire at all, much less retire without stress about adequate (not luxurious, just adequate) retirement income.

Parents on DCUM don't seem to like this kind of financial talk but it's a very real consideration. Just not one that parents want to hear. I'm not reducing having a child to a numbers exercise. But parents often just don't want to be frank about how it will affect the opportunities for the children they already have, and the parents' own prospects for life after all those children are gone.

As for extra hours, PP is right. You can't create more hours to spend with each child. if you and your DH want to be able to do any real participation in your kids' activities -- go to the dance recitals, attend the games, be at the school assemblies, chaperone an occasional school field trip, go to a scout event, etc. -- and especially if you ever thought you'd want to volunteer and help out with such things, well, that gets infinitely harder with each child. I know the posters here who want lots of kids will come to say that doesn't matter but to some families it really does. What do you want? What did you picture doing with your kids as they got older? If you pictured doing the kinds of things I listed, what's your plan for that with three kids, much less with four? Not judging either way, but you do need to sit down and weigh what you realistically expect life with four to look like in terms of activities, college costs, etc.