How to raise nice, polite kids?

[Anonymous]

I heard some awful things come out of 4 year old faces when my daughter was in preschool. Then I asked the teacher if my kid was ever that rude. She laughed at me until she cried and said, "OF COURSE SHE HAS BEEN," which was kind of the shock of my life since she's so polite at home.

So...now I try not to judge kids by their rude moments and just model polite behavior the best I can.

[Anonymous]

It's not uncommon that kids in ES try out the sassiness, the backtalking, etc. They are more independent and trying to assert that. You have to keep modeling good behavior and kindness, and politely but firmly insist on respectful speech and behavior, reminding them what and how to speak when they are rude. It kind of never ends. The kids will push, and a lot of parents either think it's cute or just don't bother correcting it. Even if you do correct it, you'll have to do it over and over again -- it's not about "nipping it in the bud." It's about reminding them, and reiterating the reasons for the behavior.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I find the advice from PPs very helpful. The only issue is when their father is not a good model of politeness, empathy, listening, respect. Or when they go to school and are surrounded by teachers who don’t respect them.

[Anonymous]

It takes a village to raise polite kids.

[Anonymous]

1. Acknowledge that no matter what ALL kids will have rude moments.

2. Teach, model, and correct.

3.In your specific case you have the background of a teacher, so how would you hanle students speaking rudely to you? In relation to your situation, and future playdates if a child is continuously rude they're not welcome in my home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are older (mid 20's through upper elementary age) but the big thing to remember is that you need to KEEP reminding your kids of manners.

When they were little, I would say, after they mumbled a thank you, "Not all kids are polite. You are! You should be proud to be a polite kid. So say it loud and proud!" I also taught them to clean up whatever they'd been playing with before moving to another activity and to help clean up when it was time to go.

At this point, I mostly just remind them to thank the parents for having them over since I trust they'll say please and thank you throughout their stay at another family's home.

I LOVE this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a very polite preschooler - I heard it during our parent teacher conference today and hear it from her friends' parents that my kid has taught their kids to be more polite. Not bragging, just context.

I did not grow up in a polite household. Nobody ever said please, thank you, I'm sorry. The biggest thing is modeling - you use your please, thank you, and I'm sorry's consistently. And prompt and remind every time - "please try that again using your manners - 'can I please have a drink?' not 'I want a drink' thank you, Larla." And give them new language if they're consistently saying something rude in context. Mine was saying "hey" constantly to get attention and "hey is for horses" did nothing, but saying "please say 'excuse me' not 'hey'" worked.

And model it with everyone. Your spouse, people in the grocery store, etc. You actually have to be as well mannered as you want your kids to be.

OP here. Thanks. These kids parents certainly dont seem rude. Perhaps it's the shows they watch?

Or is this just what happens when your kids hit elementary school?

I am generally appalled at their language. "Ok, ok, she stopped talking....keep playing!" was nutso rude to me. Am I too sensitive?

it's not a show, it's permissive parenting. They are rude and you're not too sensitive. It's not just the language they're using, it's the fact that they're elementary aged and think it's acceptable to ignore you and pick and choose what instructions they want to follow. That's more than just politeness. I think you deal with it, tell the parents you can't host anymore, or lay some ground rules and make them learn. Good news is they're older so they aren't totally clueless, even if they don't like it. I'd say, "that is rude and you are not allowed to be rude in my house. If you speak to me rudely, you need to say sorry for being rude and try again. If you don't, then you can sit in time out/lose the toy you're playing with/etc." It sucks you have to do this basic parenting, but really you are doing them a favor. It's not their fault they never learned how to behave.

OP here and that is exactly what I did. Then naturally I second guessed myself: Was I too hard on them? Then I got worried about my own kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a very polite preschooler - I heard it during our parent teacher conference today and hear it from her friends' parents that my kid has taught their kids to be more polite. Not bragging, just context.

I did not grow up in a polite household. Nobody ever said please, thank you, I'm sorry. The biggest thing is modeling - you use your please, thank you, and I'm sorry's consistently. And prompt and remind every time - "please try that again using your manners - 'can I please have a drink?' not 'I want a drink' thank you, Larla." And give them new language if they're consistently saying something rude in context. Mine was saying "hey" constantly to get attention and "hey is for horses" did nothing, but saying "please say 'excuse me' not 'hey'" worked.

And model it with everyone. Your spouse, people in the grocery store, etc. You actually have to be as well mannered as you want your kids to be.

OP here. Thanks. These kids parents certainly dont seem rude. Perhaps it's the shows they watch?

Or is this just what happens when your kids hit elementary school?

I am generally appalled at their language. "Ok, ok, she stopped talking....keep playing!" was nutso rude to me. Am I too sensitive?

The parents might know how to be situationally polite, but they are probably different at home. So many people are like this. They will smile and be polite to other parents at school, but at home they will gossip and talk down about other people constantly, right in front of their kids. So their kids learn that other people don't matter and that the politeness their parents show at school functions and in public is not genuine.

Keep modeling good manners, kindness, and empathy for your kids. Do it in public but also in private. Show them empathy and expect them to show you empathy. And if you mess up, just own up to it and show your kids what apologies look like and that everyone, including adults, can do it.

Your kids might mimic their peers for a time, but in the end it will be the example you set that they emulate. I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I find the advice from PPs very helpful. The only issue is when their father is not a good model of politeness, empathy, listening, respect. Or when they go to school and are surrounded by teachers who don’t respect them.

I hear you. One thing that has helped in my house is not just modeling good behavior but also modeling accountability when I slip up. It helps my kids and my partner understand it's not either/or -- you can mess up and be unkind or fail to listen, but you can hold yourself and others accountable for this behavior.

My kids will call out my husband (or me) when we do things that we've taught them are not okay. At first my husband balked at having to apologize but he realized quickly that if he didn't, his kids would just stop respecting him. It's how you earn your kids respect -- you play by the same rules and you have humility and show that you are big and mature enough to admit when you are wrong.

It's harder if it's an ex, and the school one is a big issues, but I still believe that if you just model kindness, empathy and accountability, your kids will see that this is the better way to be. Think of the people you like to be around? Are they mean and vindictive and defensive? Nope. Be the kind of person you would look up to, and your kids will look up to you. It may not happen right away but it will happen. The cheap thrills of being an asshole will get old when they realize that it doesn't bring happiness, and they will gravitate back to you.

[Anonymous]

+1 to what already been said. My DC's teacher commented how polite DC is also.

What we do is demand manners. So when DC busts out "GIVE ME MY DINNER NOW", I either ignore altogether or say a simple "excuse me?" And the pleasant "I'd like my dinner, please" comes out. It seems DC only does this at home- at school DC is on best behavior. Took years of modeling and reminding and withholding things until DC could use manners.

[Anonymous]

Personally, i could care less about niceness and politeness. I wanna raise kids who will not be afraid to shake the table

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, i could care less about niceness and politeness. I wanna raise kids who will not be afraid to shake the table

There is a time and place for everything. Your kids will be better off if they know when to shake the table. At 5 and 7 at someone else’s home ain’t it.

[Anonymous]

My kids have been acting out because virtual learning is stressful. Have you considered that? It's really tough on kids, and this behavior might be a reaction to that. It's not fair to assume bad parenting.

[Anonymous]

I'm a teacher and I get a lot of sassiness like that. It doesn't bother me because it is just another opportunity to teach kids. You basically need to recognize what they are asking for and help them to rephrase it politely. "Oh, you don't like what we are having for snack? You can just say 'no thank you.' Then I stand there until the kid repeats it and smile saying "Much better." No big deal. Lather, rinse, repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids have been acting out because virtual learning is stressful. Have you considered that? It's really tough on kids, and this behavior might be a reaction to that. It's not fair to assume bad parenting.

OP here and I absolutely agree. The kids are under stress and it sucks. I’m overly nice to them though and they are living a pretty good life.

So when they’re this rude, or throw my son’s toys and break them (it happened)...then yes, I come to DCUM for advice.