Utterly and helplessly in love

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to say, OP. What you describe sounds a bit too much like a power struggle. He seems to be testing you by denying you what you’re seeking, as if it’s some kind of a game, and it sounds like he’s deliberate in his methods (i.e. planing a set amount of time you must go without hearing back from him by text, teaching you how to tolerate not getting immediate gratification, etc.)

It may be that you’re “spoiled” — that’s impossible to know without examples, and having a better understanding of the dynamic in your relationships. It also may be that your legitimate needs are being framed as spoiled behavior by your BF, and you’re internalizing it and thinking the worst about yourself.

It is important that your BF expresses his personal boundaries in the relationship, and doesn’t feel pressured to violate them in an effort to meet your demands. In that case, sure - he can choose not to text you back more than he thinks is reasonable or comfortable doing, as an example, and then the two of you could communicate in a healthy way about both of your needs, and any conflict that arises.

BUT - it sounds like he’s just setting out to teach you patience, as if you were a child, and giving you these arbitrary tests. That doesn’t sound like a healthy dynamic.

You would need to provide more information for us to truly tease out what’s going on here.

[Anonymous]

You are not helpless. Start there...and maybe seek put some therapy. This is your issue to manage, no matter who you date or marry and i would focus on it as your issue. What he is doing is secondary and when you get square on knowing yourself, then you'll know how you feel about what he is doing and you can proceed. You sound very young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve dated a guy like this and it is a strategy used to make a woman fall in love quickly and deeply. There’s literally playbooks about it and it is definitely a sign to get the f out immediately. It is psychological manipulation so there will be a lot of mental anguish and pain at first which will linger for awhile, but it is nothing compared to the heartbreak you will feel if you let this go further. Good luck to you. Some people on here will say I’m being dramatic but I am completely serious. This is becoming increasingly common unfortunately.

What are some of the books on this?

The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene is one. Lays out different personality types in a very detailed way and exactly how to seduce them to make them fall head over heels for you. It’s sick because if someone is doing this, they aren’t being genuine and the victim is falling for a lie. There’s also lots of forums on sites like Reddit where guys swap tips. Some men get really really good at it and it becomes a game.

[Anonymous]

That sounds like an exhausting dynamic and not healthy.

[Anonymous]

RED FLAGS, RED FLAGS, ALARM BELLS RINGING!!!

[Anonymous]

Oh Boy OP.

I’d take a step back and really look at what’s happening. This isn’t going to last.

I was once told that every pot has a lid. He’s not your lid.

[Anonymous]

Op you sound really high maintenance and perhaps this is his way of taking time out from you. You do sound really immature. Relationships are about compromise.

However the sorts of examples you give are like you are playing a child's game together and it is really creepy.

If it was that every now and again he wanted to go to a certain restaurant rather than where you want to go, fine but purposely not texting you to teach you a lesson. Barf.

However this sort of negging or whatever they call works well on some people and has worked on you.

[Anonymous]

Run, OP, Run .

[Anonymous]

This does not sound good, OP. If he was doing something like insisting that he hold the tv remote, and playfully teasing you at the same to tweak your controlling streak, that would strike me as the kind of affection, inside-jokey stuff that couples who understand each other do. But purposely withholding text messages and intentionally pulling back from the relationship to teach you something sound like signs of sociopathy.

If he loved you and really wanted you to learn to sit with feeling out of control, he would talk to you about setting some expectations that work for both of you. Instead, he is intentionally keeping you off balance to make himself feel powerful, and because he understands that humans tend to equate a sense of arousal with love.

[Anonymous]

I think they deserve each other. Who acts like. Controlling, spoiled brat as a grown woman. Super immature. How old are you, OP? It sounds l8ke he should run away.

[Anonymous]

OP, read Natalie Lue's blog Baggage Reclaim. It will tell you all you need to know. I agree with others you need to run!.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are an adult, and he is an adult. It is not his job to “teach” you anything. You are equals. If you are spoiled or have a control problem, he can express when he sees that behavior in action and suggest you think about it and change your ways. But, it is not his job to teach you like you are some kind of trainable animal.

Also the punishment/love alternation is the core of the abusive cycle.

Very unhealthy dynamic. Get out. Do some individual therapy as you continue to date.

[Anonymous]

You say “spoiled,” I say babyish, immature, and cringey. Why, you’re not just spoiled you’re SUPER DUPER ICE CREAM SCOOPER spoiled!

I hope you’re <18 yo? No adult should preen about always “getting my way.” Wtf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they deserve each other. Who acts like. Controlling, spoiled brat as a grown woman. Super immature. How old are you, OP? It sounds l8ke he should run away.

Yup. They both seem kind of awful.

[Anonymous]

Your examples are red flags. He is making you think you are the control freak when he is.