Am I wrong to be annoyed by copycat sister?

[Anonymous]

OP, are you 14? I’m serious. You sound incredibly immature. Go volunteer at a food bank or get a pet. Stop making everything about you.

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a really unique hobby and see if she copies it. The things you have mentioned are pretty standard OP.

Start raising miniature goats, or making dioramas of murder scenes, or writing star trek fan fiction,.or dressing your pets up in matching cosplay costumes for their own instagram. Then, if she copies you, you know it's copying and not just standard interests from being in the same family and growing up in the same place.

But they are sisters-if my sister started raising miniature goats I would be fascinated and ask her all about it (and, if it appealed, would not think twice about looking into it myself.) a normal sisterly response would be “awesome aren’t the tiny goats cool? Do you want to read this goat chow article I found?”

[Anonymous]

You are wronging yourself by looking at your sister as the source of your angst, rather than looking within. You need therapy to work through your low self-esteem - and then you’ll be flattered that your sister emulates you, and happy for her successes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

+1 you could feel good about it. She loves your taste obviously.

[Anonymous]

I haven't experienced this with a sister but I have had people in my life who copy everything I do. Not sure about your examples but I had a friend once who would literally buy the same clothes I had. She also started referring to my closest friends (who I had known for a decade and she'd met like six months prior... through me) as her best friends. She also mysteriously started sharing anecdotes from her past that weirdly resembled stories I had told about college or my childhood. She would even mimic my social media posts, posting things that resembled almost word for word something I'd posted months or even years before. It was creepy and frustrating and like you, if I said anything about it, people told me that imitation is a form of flattery or that I needed to get over it.

They were right about getting over it but wrong about the flattery. People who do this aren't flattering you. They are insecure and afraid of failure, so they find people who can do the trial run for them. Then, once they see that others (parents, friends, people on social media) respond positively to something, they copy it, sometimes even doing a more refined version (after all, its easier to improve on a previous draft). It's messed up and has nothing to do with their affection or admiration for you. It has to do with their own perfectionism and they are simply using you as a conduit.

The way I got through it was that I became more discreet about certain things in my life. If I was working on getting a new job or picking up a new hobby, I didn't post about it on social media at all and I only discussed it with people who I knew wouldn't talk to my copycat about it (this actually took a while to figure out). I shared things with close friends, but otherwise I only told people about stuff once it was done (like announcing I'd gotten into grad school or that I'd gotten a new job).

At first this was hard because I felt like I was being forced to to act differently just to escape my copycat. But with time, I found that I preferred to be more discreet and that it gave me more room to do things for their own sake and because I really cared about them, and worry less about being validated by lots of people. I found my interests shifted a little bit, and for the better. I posted less on social media because I was less worried about looking like I was having a good time than actually having a good time.

I'm sure this would only be harder with a sister, but I think the basic principles are the same: be more discreet, try not to share things when they are still in progress, and focus more on what YOU like and try not to focus on what other people think about it. Even though my copycat was not a "normal" part of life (I genuinely feel sorry for her), I do think she forced me to essentially just become more mature and thoughtful about life.

Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't experienced this with a sister but I have had people in my life who copy everything I do. Not sure about your examples but I had a friend once who would literally buy the same clothes I had. She also started referring to my closest friends (who I had known for a decade and she'd met like six months prior... through me) as her best friends. She also mysteriously started sharing anecdotes from her past that weirdly resembled stories I had told about college or my childhood. She would even mimic my social media posts, posting things that resembled almost word for word something I'd posted months or even years before. It was creepy and frustrating and like you, if I said anything about it, people told me that imitation is a form of flattery or that I needed to get over it.

They were right about getting over it but wrong about the flattery. People who do this aren't flattering you. They are insecure and afraid of failure, so they find people who can do the trial run for them. Then, once they see that others (parents, friends, people on social media) respond positively to something, they copy it, sometimes even doing a more refined version (after all, its easier to improve on a previous draft). It's messed up and has nothing to do with their affection or admiration for you. It has to do with their own perfectionism and they are simply using you as a conduit.

The way I got through it was that I became more discreet about certain things in my life. If I was working on getting a new job or picking up a new hobby, I didn't post about it on social media at all and I only discussed it with people who I knew wouldn't talk to my copycat about it (this actually took a while to figure out). I shared things with close friends, but otherwise I only told people about stuff once it was done (like announcing I'd gotten into grad school or that I'd gotten a new job).

At first this was hard because I felt like I was being forced to to act differently just to escape my copycat. But with time, I found that I preferred to be more discreet and that it gave me more room to do things for their own sake and because I really cared about them, and worry less about being validated by lots of people. I found my interests shifted a little bit, and for the better. I posted less on social media because I was less worried about looking like I was having a good time than actually having a good time.

I'm sure this would only be harder with a sister, but I think the basic principles are the same: be more discreet, try not to share things when they are still in progress, and focus more on what YOU like and try not to focus on what other people think about it. Even though my copycat was not a "normal" part of life (I genuinely feel sorry for her), I do think she forced me to essentially just become more mature and thoughtful about life.

Best of luck to you!

That friend sounds very troubled but is completely unrelated to op’s situation. One sister of mine knits-I liked her hats and asked her to teach me how and now I also knit. My brother got really into scandi noir after I told him about a series I was reading. Those are normal and it would be bizarre for me to take offense at my brother or feel I had wronged mister. Those examples are much more like what op described than your single white female scenario.

[Anonymous]

NP here and I am sympathetic. I've got two DDs (both older teens now) and it just seems like the younger one (DD2) is better at everything. She's extremely athletic, and artistic, and gets better grades and is in a more rigorous academic course path.

One example: When they were younger, we had them in the same sport, and DD2 was so good she was put 2 years up onto DD1's team.

Part of this, though, is DD2's work ethic, which is standard deviation(s) from the norm. She is not a procrastinator and she's always looking to learn or improve on something, while my DD1 is more of a 'normal' teen and likes to watch her phone.

However; speaking to OP, I recognize how hard it is when you have someone in the family who is like that. The key is, finishing that sentence...it could be "someone in the family who is more talented than me," or "someone in the family that is hyper-talented."

I think that was the key to DD1 becoming ok with it. Realizing that DD2 was not just more talented than her, but more talented than many people. I recall DD1 saying, "DD2 wasn't just better than me on the team, she was better than all the (2 years older players) on the team."

So if you shift your reference point from "just you" to the general population or peer group, it becomes easier. "Mini-me-but-better" goes away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't experienced this with a sister but I have had people in my life who copy everything I do. Not sure about your examples but I had a friend once who would literally buy the same clothes I had. She also started referring to my closest friends (who I had known for a decade and she'd met like six months prior... through me) as her best friends. She also mysteriously started sharing anecdotes from her past that weirdly resembled stories I had told about college or my childhood. She would even mimic my social media posts, posting things that resembled almost word for word something I'd posted months or even years before. It was creepy and frustrating and like you, if I said anything about it, people told me that imitation is a form of flattery or that I needed to get over it.

They were right about getting over it but wrong about the flattery. People who do this aren't flattering you. They are insecure and afraid of failure, so they find people who can do the trial run for them. Then, once they see that others (parents, friends, people on social media) respond positively to something, they copy it, sometimes even doing a more refined version (after all, its easier to improve on a previous draft). It's messed up and has nothing to do with their affection or admiration for you. It has to do with their own perfectionism and they are simply using you as a conduit.

The way I got through it was that I became more discreet about certain things in my life. If I was working on getting a new job or picking up a new hobby, I didn't post about it on social media at all and I only discussed it with people who I knew wouldn't talk to my copycat about it (this actually took a while to figure out). I shared things with close friends, but otherwise I only told people about stuff once it was done (like announcing I'd gotten into grad school or that I'd gotten a new job).

At first this was hard because I felt like I was being forced to to act differently just to escape my copycat. But with time, I found that I preferred to be more discreet and that it gave me more room to do things for their own sake and because I really cared about them, and worry less about being validated by lots of people. I found my interests shifted a little bit, and for the better. I posted less on social media because I was less worried about looking like I was having a good time than actually having a good time.

I'm sure this would only be harder with a sister, but I think the basic principles are the same: be more discreet, try not to share things when they are still in progress, and focus more on what YOU like and try not to focus on what other people think about it. Even though my copycat was not a "normal" part of life (I genuinely feel sorry for her), I do think she forced me to essentially just become more mature and thoughtful about life.

Best of luck to you!

That friend sounds very troubled but is completely unrelated to op’s situation. One sister of mine knits-I liked her hats and asked her to teach me how and now I also knit. My brother got really into scandi noir after I told him about a series I was reading. Those are normal and it would be bizarre for me to take offense at my brother or feel I had wronged mister. Those examples are much more like what op described than your single white female scenario.

PP here. I agree my situation was an extreme scenario. But it taught me a lot about why people mimic others and I've found what I've learned to be helpful in dealing with far less severe situations. I was bothered by posters trotting out "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" because I know from experience that this is untrue. If OP's sister is consistently mimicking her interests in a way that feels oppressive, I think it's entirely likely that her sister to acting out the perfectionism/fear of failure that I was talking about.

As for the examples OP provided, I think she just did not state herself very clearly. But I'm always inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt on these boards. If she says her sister is copying her, I assume that's what happening and I just don't have enough context from her description.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here and I am sympathetic. I've got two DDs (both older teens now) and it just seems like the younger one (DD2) is better at everything. She's extremely athletic, and artistic, and gets better grades and is in a more rigorous academic course path.

One example: When they were younger, we had them in the same sport, and DD2 was so good she was put 2 years up onto DD1's team.

Part of this, though, is DD2's work ethic, which is standard deviation(s) from the norm. She is not a procrastinator and she's always looking to learn or improve on something, while my DD1 is more of a 'normal' teen and likes to watch her phone.

However; speaking to OP, I recognize how hard it is when you have someone in the family who is like that. The key is, finishing that sentence...it could be "someone in the family who is more talented than me," or "someone in the family that is hyper-talented."

I think that was the key to DD1 becoming ok with it. Realizing that DD2 was not just more talented than her, but more talented than many people. I recall DD1 saying, "DD2 wasn't just better than me on the team, she was better than all the (2 years older players) on the team."

So if you shift your reference point from "just you" to the general population or peer group, it becomes easier. "Mini-me-but-better" goes away.

I'm sure it was hard for your older daughter to deal with having a precocious little sister, but it sounds like OP is more concerned with the fact that her little sister is copying her interests and life choices, making it hard for OP to pursue her interests without constantly feeling like her sister is looking over her shoulder. These are different situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here and I am sympathetic. I've got two DDs (both older teens now) and it just seems like the younger one (DD2) is better at everything. She's extremely athletic, and artistic, and gets better grades and is in a more rigorous academic course path.

One example: When they were younger, we had them in the same sport, and DD2 was so good she was put 2 years up onto DD1's team.

Part of this, though, is DD2's work ethic, which is standard deviation(s) from the norm. She is not a procrastinator and she's always looking to learn or improve on something, while my DD1 is more of a 'normal' teen and likes to watch her phone.

However; speaking to OP, I recognize how hard it is when you have someone in the family who is like that. The key is, finishing that sentence...it could be "someone in the family who is more talented than me," or "someone in the family that is hyper-talented."

I think that was the key to DD1 becoming ok with it. Realizing that DD2 was not just more talented than her, but more talented than many people. I recall DD1 saying, "DD2 wasn't just better than me on the team, she was better than all the (2 years older players) on the team."

So if you shift your reference point from "just you" to the general population or peer group, it becomes easier. "Mini-me-but-better" goes away.

I'm sure it was hard for your older daughter to deal with having a precocious little sister, but it sounds like OP is more concerned with the fact that her little sister is copying her interests and life choices, making it hard for OP to pursue her interests without constantly feeling like her sister is looking over her shoulder. These are different situations.

I’m not sure that liking to read and being pretty are really life choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would expect my sister, who grew up in the same city, in the same SES, with the same mom, who is the same race, to have very similar style to me. I mean, really??

Reading books is also not really a niche hobby.

I don't think she's copying you at all...

This. You had the same genes, the same upbringing, the same nurture, why are you expecting her to be different? Accept it gracefully OP. She's just trying to be herself. It isn't fair that because you like reading that she can't like reading, or that because you like a certain brand of clothes that she can't buy that brand. I think that your first step is to work on your self-esteem issues. And to consider that both of you like the same things because both of you have good taste!

[Anonymous]

What? I'm an English major with a Master's degree who has presented at literary conferences. And I don't for a second think reading is "my thing" or books are "my thing" and gets jealous when my sister talks abut her book club.

I mean...lots of people like books. That's how book clubs exist. That's like saying watching TV or eating chips is "your thing."

My sister is a pastor. Should she feel like I'm encroaching when I go to church or celebrate Easter or pray?

My goodness. Grow up. I'd say get a hobby but then you'd just be copying people who knit or play tennis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a younger sister who a lot of people call my shadow.

Over the years I have learned to only share things that I won't mind her copying. Most of the time I find it complimentary, but sometimes it does drive me crazy.

What is she copying? Your hairstyle (that you saw on a celeb in a magazine)? Your clothes (that you bought off the rack from a massive American retailer)? The furniture you bought (at another massive retailer)? Your lipstick shade (featured in InStyle)?

Did you invent reading? Playing piano? Wearing shift dresses? What is it that you do that is so very unique? Hang a sign that says GATHER in your kitchen? Do tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What? I'm an English major with a Master's degree who has presented at literary conferences. And I don't for a second think reading is "my thing" or books are "my thing" and gets jealous when my sister talks abut her book club.

I mean...lots of people like books. That's how book clubs exist. That's like saying watching TV or eating chips is "your thing."

My sister is a pastor. Should she feel like I'm encroaching when I go to church or celebrate Easter or pray?

My goodness. Grow up. I'd say get a hobby but then you'd just be copying people who knit or play tennis.

Okay, this is a great post. I lol'd at the boded. You nailed it, PP.

[Anonymous]

Did she also follow the same career as you?